Brackaville Jerseys Outlawed In Coalisland
Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.
The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.
The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:
“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”
Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:
“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”
Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:
“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”
Undercover Reporter Reveals Secret GAA Refereeing Ring
A high-profile undercover investigator has shattered an underground refereeing ring in Strabane where up to 30 Tyrone referees meet up weekly and laugh at some of the decisions they made and are going to make the following weekend. Joe Wheeler, the Welsh freelance TV reporter, pretended to show an interest in refereeing this coming season by getting himself into some shape and buying a shiny new whistle.
After an initial vetting service, Wheeler was asked along to the first meeting which was held in an underground bunker on the Urney Road.
“To be honest, the vetting process wasn’t too taxing. They just asked me to blow the whistle three times and point in various directions. That was it. I was in.”
Wheeler was told he’d probably referee a few U16 games in Ardboe to harden him up before embarking on Division Three of the Tyrone All County League.
“They reckoned a few underage games between Ardboe and Moortown would make a man of me. But it was what went on during the meeting that shocked me. All 30 refs took turns in telling yarns about the worst decisions they made last weekend and everyone was bent over laughing. The drink was flying but it was some craic to be fair. One ref said he deliberately turned a blind eye to a player getting the head battered off him because he remembered the lad’s father refused him access to a rampart years ago. They did some guffawing at that one.”
The Welsh reporter was even more astounded when matters turned to this weekend’s matches:
“Remarkably, as well as being given their fixtures to referee this weekend, they were also given a scoreline to work towards. There was a rollover jackpot with all men putting a fiver into the pot which now stood at £490. Anyone who got their score correctly won the dough. A bonus pot of £100 was also given every week to the ref who made the worst decision. This time a ref from Killyman won for sending off a Killeeshil player for wearing ankle socks.”
Wheeler reported that they all agreed to give the following teams ‘a bad touch’ this year: Owen Roes, The Rock, The Moy, Killyclogher, Dregish, Derrytresk, Carrickmore and Kildress.
The Tyrone Referees’ Association were unavailable for comment.
Massive Wall To Be Built Around Garvaghey Complex To Combat Global Warming
Following reports of players frozen on the spot and goalkeepers needing two days of defrosting, Tyrone GAA officials announced that they’re to build a massive wall around their GAA facilities in Garvaghey – potentially becoming one of only a few manmade objects visible from space.
Complaints were made by gaels across the county that the new state-of-the-art complex outside Ballygawley was quite possibly the coldest place on the planet, rivalling Alaska, Russia and the Antarctic. An U16 player from Drumragh claims to have stalled mid-air fielding a kick-out and was only thawed into coming down to earth by several team-mates rubbing at his legs furiously.
County official Kieran McNelis informed us:
“Yes, we’re looking for a contractor to oversee the building of a massive quarter mile high wall around the entire complex to keep out the wind-chill from September til April. Only last week we had the terrible situation of an Owen Roes goalkeeper who, during a lull in play, decided to lick the ice off a goalpost and got his tongue stuck to it. Until the warm water arrived he had shipped in 4 goals. We feel that a massive wall would slow down the effects of global warming.”
Seven linesmen were also hospitalised with stiffness and the inability to let their flag go due to early signs of rigor mortis. McNelis added:
“There was also the unfair advantage afforded to Pomeroy and Galbally lads and lassies who revelled in the cold conditions, having acclimatised to mountain life over 1000s of years. Last week Mickey Harte nearly picked the whole Galbally side to play Derry before the penny dropped about the conditions.”
The building of The Great Wall of Garvaghey will commence in September 2014 and finishes in 2020 with Club Tyrone members having the choice of building half of it or doing the cement mixing.
GAA HQ Hit Tyrone With Even Further Sanctions. Aughabrack To Represent County Against Mayo.
Despite founded allegations of an anti-Tyrone vibe emanating from the GAA hierarchy this year, the Red Hands have been hit with a further sanction with the news that the county side must step down and be replaced with an entire Aughabrack side.
Bans for Penrose and Gormley coupled with a media witch-hunt in recent weeks have seen tempers simmering but today’s news has left the county reeling. Local Aughabrack wrestler, Barney McGill, reckons it poses a few problems:
“This is some handlin. Sure we haven’t played together as a club since 1996. Rounding up 15 lads on the morning of the 25th will be some operation. The wemen have a big role here. They need to keep their men in the house on Saturday night before the game. Mayo boys like Aidan O’Shea wouldn’t be out slapping stout into him 15 hours before the game.”
McGill reckons the average age of the side will hit 49 with the entire full back line aged 71, 66 and 59 respectively.
“Ach it’ll be great getting out from the Sperrins as ten of us haven’t been as far as Dunnamanagh. We’ll be able to take home spices and stuff from Dublin. I hear this Mayo side are good but we hold no fear. Don’t forget the slaughtering we gave Owen Roes in 1988. I’m just wondering – who has the jerseys?”
The GAA have refused to reveal why this latest sanction has occurred but warned Tyrone that ‘there’ll be more of where that came from if we hear any more yappin’.
On the plus side, Brian Dooher will be making a comeback even though his years of service has left him bent double and using a stair lift for any upwards movement.
Newtownstewart U12 Manager Furious At Man Utd Snub
Following the retirement of Alex Ferguson, coupled with Man Utd’s search for a new manager, Kirk McConnell was devastated to find out his application form was completely overlooked as it now appears that another high profile manager in England will get the job. McConnell, who specialises in fixing carpets with loose thread, has led his Newtownstewart U12 side to three massive victories this year in his first year of management, defeating Owen Roes by 61 points, Strabane by 33 points and Glenelly by a walkover as the opposition didn’t field. After Ferguson’s announcement, the lads in the Abercorn Arms convinced McConnell that he should throw in an application form and helped him write it there and then at around midnight. Kirk is at a loss to explain his rejection:
“If I’m being honest I’m a bit pissed off like. They didn’t even send a letter to say I was unsuccessful. I’d written it out with the lads and used red pen and ruler for the headlines and a black pen for the information. For example, I covered areas such as Favourite TV shows, Favourite Foods, Funniest Memory, Best Game I Watched, My Favourite Player and Any Other Business. It covered the front and back of an A4 paper. What’s their problem like? I’d say none of them have ever tried taking a team up to Strabane on a Saturday morning to play a side with three women in full forward, far bigger than the rest of us. And I don’t even know the rules.”
In an effort to appease McConnell, Man Utd issued a statement today thanking McConnell for his application form but felt that he fell down on two accounts. In a letter signed by the American owner Mr Glazer, the club spelt out their concerns:
“Firstly, we heard about the 61 point win over Owen Roes. You didn’t tell us that nine of the Roes side were actually under the age of seven. Also, our intelligence reports informed us that the referee gave you a couple of dodgy decisions and no wonder as we believe he’s your chairman. Secondly, the application form was covered in beer stains and some of the spellings were atrocious. For example, it’s Sir Alex Ferguson, not Salax Ferkson. We wish you well in the future and hope Newtownstewart U12s lift the title.”
Leo Parry, manager of the Newtownstewart Spar, was also unsuccessful. Meanwhile, McConnell has sent a copy to Everton.