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Jim Allister To Throw In Ball At Croke Park Ulster Final To Commemorate Centenary of Border, In Exchange For Early Border Poll

In a bid to speed up the possibility of a border poll and a united Ireland eventually, the GAA are reportedly about to grant Jim Allister’s wish to throw in the ball for the Tyrone/Monaghan Ulster Final in order to commemorate 100 years of the border. Six marching bands from different Orange Lodges will parade around Croke Park before the game. The GAA have stopped short of allowing Allister’s ring being kissed by both captains, as was Jim’s wish.

The TUV leader has been practising throwing the ball up in the air since late June when he was secretly told that the deal would go ahead no matter who was in the final. Allister was also warned to ‘run like hell’ after he throws the ball up in case he’s milled in a stampede. An official explained:

“Tyrone have two big strapping lads in midfield and we all know the brutal ignorance of them Monaghan lads. It would be in Jim’s interest to start running towards the sideline as soon as the ball leaves his hands, and to throw it very high in the air in order to buy him time.”

The 18’000 crowd will be treated to four flute bands and two accordion bands, playing some classic tunes such as ‘The Papish Goat’ and ‘Orange Apron Trimmed With Blue’

During the national anthem, Allister has admitted he will put earphones on and listen to a podcast.

Irish Politicians To Celebrate St Patrick’s Day By Getting The F**k Out Of The Country

 

StPatricksDayNYMar2014_large

UUP in Lebanon

Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.

 

Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.

Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.

Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:

“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”

Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:

“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”

Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.

Brackaville Jerseys Outlawed In Coalisland

New Campaign Poster

New Brackaville-Free Campaign Poster

Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.

The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.

The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:

“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”

Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:

“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”

Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:

“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”

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