Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.
The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.
The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:
“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”
Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:
“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”
Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:
“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”
A returning Kildress student was banished from the mid-Ulster townland after using a succession of big words over two nights during Easter celebrations in the Kildress Inn. Gretta McNally has spoken of her disillusionment at having been rejected by her people despite achieving a 2:2 in her Arts Photography degree at the University of Ulster in Coleraine.
“Typical Kildress. As soon as you step outside the norm you’re there to be shot at. When I did well in my A Levels I had hordes of well-wishers back-slapping me off to university. The local club even ran a fundraiser. Deep down I suspected they thought I’d come back with my tail between my legs, drunk out and expelled from the University within a month. Well, I stuck at it, got my degree and now I’m homeless because of it. As soon as I got off the bus last week I was met with a torrent of sly digs. I asked for a pint of lager and the barman said under his breath ‘I’m surprised it’s not a Martini on the rocks’ and gave me a dirty look. That was the start of it.”
A different story emerged when we spoke to local boiler servicer Lionel McClean.
“That blade got what she deserved. She swanned into the Arms with her fancy thoughts and degrees and all that. When I heard her say she liked the ‘interior design’ of the pub, well, that was enough for me. What’s wrong with the word ‘inside’? The next night she said ‘when is the Tones’ initial match?’. Initial? Initial? Spit the buckin marbles out girl. We’re not impressed. So we went down to her da’s house and told him she must leave or we’d burn them out. He agreed and said he himself couldn’t stick her saying the dinner was ‘splendid’. That’ll learn her and any other youngster who has fancy-dan thoughts of education.”
Gretta is currently wandering the hills around Pomeroy and has vowed to work on toning down her vocabulary so she can return for Christmas.
Despite three years at UUC studying Media and Journalism, Coalisland’s great TV hope Henry Savage was given his P45 after one day presenting the weather on obscure Sky channel Horse And Country HD. Savage was said to be distraught tonight having to deal with his first major failure in life after achieving seven GCSEs (2A, 2B, 3C) and three A Levels (BCD). Horse And Country HD issued a statement this evening explaining the sudden departure of the Brackaville Road presenter:
“It was a simple issue of translation. Although warned beforehand by our Maghery floor-mopper that the Tyrone accent was the least TV-friendly brogue out there, we were impressed at Savage’s educational background. He got a B in his 11+ back in 1986. Yet we had to let him go after our phoneline almost melted with complaints after his one and only weather presentation. When he said ‘I doubt it’ll be heavy rain for England today’, the nation assumed he was telling them it wouldn’t be raining beyond a light drizzle. Little did we know that in Coalisland ‘I doubt it will rain’ means ‘it’ll be raining, in my opinion’. You understand the difficulty we have in interpreting his predictions. Seventeen t-shirt wearing pensioners were admitted to a local A&E in Kent having been caught out in torrential rain following Henry’s advice, with three having suspected hyperthermia.”
Calls also swamped the network when Savage warned the viewers that they’d be ‘foundered’ if they ‘headed out’ as it’d be ‘tara’. Unable to find those words in the dictionary, many viewers refused to leave their houses for fear of some type of climatic disaster. Two men were sacked from their jobs for failing to turn up after Henry’s advice and are demanding compensation.
Savage says he’ll continue to pursue his dream of being a TV presenter but will start mixing with people from Edendork or Donaghmore in order to widen his vocabulary.