Henry Savage, from Brackaville Road, was given the job at short notice following the unexpected departure of the previous weatherman. He explained,
“The boy who was supposed to get the weather job suddenly backed out down because he had to rush off to London in a hurry. I think he was changing jobs to a tree surgeon because he mentioned something about a yewtree. Anyway, I was in there like a shot. There’s not much you can teach me about the weather hi”.
However, it quickly became apparent to studio bosses that this was far from the case, and that Savage’s grasp of simple meteorological principles was practically non-existent.
“We had a couple of wee thunderstorms over the weekend there”, said programme scheduler Moira McGurk, “And Savage told viewers that it was because ‘the clouds kept banging together’. For the love of God”.
The live broadcast continued, with Savage instructing,
“Thon trees in Parkanaur are making lots of wind tonight, so wrap up tight. And if you do see the thunderstorm coming, just rush out of the house and start screaming at it. They frighten easily and it’ll probably just move off to the next town”.
In his defence, Savage barked:
“All that stuff about the high fronts and the low fronts is just stuff made up by meteorologists to confuse people. Rain is rain. Anyone in Tyrone knows that. No point going on and on about types of cloud or precipitation or some such nonsense, when everyone knows rain is just the angels crying tears of happiness”.
The studio’s problems became clear during last night’s live broadcast, with Savage telling viewers,
“Ah’m tellin’ yez, last night my yolk was acting up something tara, so it’s a sure sign that there’s quare sunny weather on the way. And have yiz seen the sunset over Clonoe? All I can say is, red sky at night shepherd’s delight. No, hold on. Is it rainbow instead of red sky? Jays, it can be confusing. Ah sure, what do the feckin’ shepherds know anyway? They should keep their noses out of it. Besides, it’s not going to be sunny everywhere. The cattle in Edendork are getting tore into the cud like nobody’s business, which means the rain’ll be shitting it down in Drumquin by lunchtime tomorrow”.
Savage in his final broadcast earlier this morning, confirmed that he expected the forecast for tonight to be ‘dark’.
Despite three years at UUC studying Media and Journalism, Coalisland’s great TV hope Henry Savage was given his P45 after one day presenting the weather on obscure Sky channel Horse And Country HD. Savage was said to be distraught tonight having to deal with his first major failure in life after achieving seven GCSEs (2A, 2B, 3C) and three A Levels (BCD). Horse And Country HD issued a statement this evening explaining the sudden departure of the Brackaville Road presenter:
“It was a simple issue of translation. Although warned beforehand by our Maghery floor-mopper that the Tyrone accent was the least TV-friendly brogue out there, we were impressed at Savage’s educational background. He got a B in his 11+ back in 1986. Yet we had to let him go after our phoneline almost melted with complaints after his one and only weather presentation. When he said ‘I doubt it’ll be heavy rain for England today’, the nation assumed he was telling them it wouldn’t be raining beyond a light drizzle. Little did we know that in Coalisland ‘I doubt it will rain’ means ‘it’ll be raining, in my opinion’. You understand the difficulty we have in interpreting his predictions. Seventeen t-shirt wearing pensioners were admitted to a local A&E in Kent having been caught out in torrential rain following Henry’s advice, with three having suspected hyperthermia.”
Calls also swamped the network when Savage warned the viewers that they’d be ‘foundered’ if they ‘headed out’ as it’d be ‘tara’. Unable to find those words in the dictionary, many viewers refused to leave their houses for fear of some type of climatic disaster. Two men were sacked from their jobs for failing to turn up after Henry’s advice and are demanding compensation.
Savage says he’ll continue to pursue his dream of being a TV presenter but will start mixing with people from Edendork or Donaghmore in order to widen his vocabulary.