Monthly Archives: November 2022
Elon Musk Buys House In Stewartstown. Plans To Turn Town Into Massive Car Charging Station.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, the Boring Company, and now the owner of Twitter was spotted coming out of a Cookstown estate agent this morning. When asked why, he excitedly shouted, “I just bought a mansion in the Stewartstown, goddamit!”
The South African native was reportedly finally sold on the idea when he caught Stewartstown Harps GAC’s win on a chipped firestick at his home. It is said he was between two minds between the Maldives or Tyrone but the game and the manner of Stewartstown’s win clinched it for him.
When pressed why he told a clatter of onlookers:
“I need to be surrounded by ‘can do’ people. I don’t like ‘no’ and I REALLY love red and white.”
Mr Musk has reportedly told those closest to him that he wants to change the nickname of the club from the Harps to the “Steamrollers”
Musk confirmed on his Twitter account that he plans to install an incredible 10,000 electric car charging stations in the town, which logistically is impossible, given 63 is considered gridlock in the town at present. There are also rumours that he plans to freeze Lough Neagh and use it to store Twitter servers to keep them cool.
In other news, Feargal Logan has urged his co-manager Brian Dooher to call up the entire Harps forward line to train with the county panel.
Dungannon Swifts To Offer Ronaldo Career Lifeline With 3-Year Deal Plus Extras
East Tyrone soccer club Dungannon Swifts have thrown Portuguese man Cristiano Ronaldo a career lifeline, offering the want-away Man United player a lucrative three-year contract until 2025, including a free rental car for the first year from Donnelly Brothers, and nine holes free of charge at Brackaville Golf Course, Wednesday to Friday only.
Although his agent has yet to confirm whether or not he will accept the offer, our sources told us that he is also pushing for home heating oil as payment by McKernan Fuels as well as free tickets to the pictures on Saturday nights for the duration at his stay in Dungannon.
A Swifts player, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“He’ll need to pull his weight and dung out around the defence. We’re not deadly at the defending and he wouldn’t need to be running to the Democrat or Courier if things go badly. But he’ll love the town and sure his second cousin Renato Ronaldo does the recruitment at Moy Park if the wife wants to earn a couple of extra bob in the month.”
The club rejected a clause that if he scored 100 goals in three years that a statue was to be built in the Ponderosa area or even Lisnahull.
Ronaldo was unavailable for comment but a man looking a bit like him was seen having a fish supper as Mossa’s Chippy at the Tamnamore Roundabout.
Clady Sword Swallower Banned From Children’s Parties
Clady native, Patrick “Ditzy” Finn, has been banned from working at children’s parties following a “less than successful” attempt at entertaining children at a Hallowe’en event at St Columba’s Primary School in the village earlier this week.
We understand that Mr Finn, who promised “fun and frolics” on his little flyers, was unable to contort his balloons into the animals requested by the children in attendance, and was only able to make what he called “lengths of sausages”. His clown outfit left one child needing psychiatric care, and one little girl with a black eye after his juggling went astray.
One concerned parent, Mary Reilly, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“The straw that broke the camel’s back was his sword swallowing bit. You see, at the start he came in all bleary-eyed, smelling of drink and as soon as the stainless steel hit his lips, he regurgitated all over the PE hall floor. He clearly had a lot of Red Bull and a breakfast roll that morning, will LOTS of onions… it was disgusting. I pity the poor cleaner who has to try to scrub that from between those wee thin wooden strips of a floor”
Unconfirmed reports claim that Finn had a full-sized live tiger in his HiAce van ready for his encore, but thought better of that after he was asked to cut his performance short by the principal. The ISPCA is currently looking into whether there is in fact a tiger in the van, still parked outside the school, as it keeps “rocking and roaring” after he went straight to the pub and hasn’t been heard of. His wife is appealing for witnesses.
In other news, Donaghmore residents have been disgusted that the council can’t somehow stop the rain from wetting their footpaths.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
DUP MLAs Addicted To Loose Women & Daytime TV, Claim GPs
GPs have confirmed that in the absence of power-sharing at Stormont, many DUP members have become addicted to watching daytime TV and may need several sessions of counselling to get them ready for the real world when the time comes.
Reluctant to name names, one GP maintained that three high-profile male DUP MLAs have become acutely addicted to Loose Women and have already shown signs of aggression if they miss out on even one day during the week. Homes Under The Hammer has also become a favourite, especially for MLAs from county Down.
“It’s a hidden side-effect from their reluctance to go into government. We’re now urgently asking for the DUP to go back to work in order to release funds to help their own DUP members who can’t tear themselves away from Coleen Nolan and reruns of Murder She Wrote.”
In other news, a rally was held in Larne last night over the Brexit Protocol. Over 40 people attended and stirring speeches were made from the podium. When asked what the Protocol was, an attendee told us:
“I haven’t a clue to be honest but if themuns don’t mind it, it must be bad for us.”
The weather will pick up this weekend.
More Men Come Forward To Admit They Don’t Preheat Oven
Following on from the revelation last week that a man in Augher has never preheated the oven in his life, over 40 other men have come forward on social media and in public, admitting they also don’t preheat the oven before sticking in the food.
Francis McKenna, who told parishioners last Sunday at a bowls game that he has never preheated the oven despite clear guidance to do so, has admitted that he feels comforted that 43 other men have shared similar sentiments in the week since his declaration:
“Yes, I do feel a bit better about it now and I won’t be changing my ways. I can tell you now, preheating the oven is a nonsense. If I put in a chicken and ham pie for 40 minutes instead of preheating for 10 and then putting it in for 30 minutes, it’ll taste the same. It means you don’t have to remember putting the pie in after preheating it. I heard of a man who preheated the oven and forgot and the dinner wasn’t made at all. His family had to make toasted sandwiches.”
McKenna also revealed he is in the early stages of planning an anti-preheating rally in Fivemiletown next month.
Tyrone Tribulations 