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Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
Omagh Man Breaks Lent In Spectacular Fashion After Kerry Defeat
McCrab, after the full time whistle
An Omagh plasterer has ‘gone off the rails big time‘ after gorging on a mountain of buns, cakes, biscuits and chocolate when he reverted to comfort-eating in the wake of Kerry’s annihilation of Tyrone on Sunday afternoon. Carl McCrab, who initially committed to a Lenten abstinence from all kinds of pastries and confectionary, has admitted he feels ‘broken’ and ashamed of his fall from grace but lays the blame firmly at the feet of the Tyrone senior footballers and management team.
McCrab (38), whilst wiping the remains of a Drifter from his upper lip, told us this morning:
“Yes, I hit it hard last night. When the third goal went in I went clean mad and raided the larder. The wife was pleading with me to step away and the children crying will live with me for years. But I just couldn’t help myself and devoured a whole tray of coconut buns and a packet of Munchies even before the final whistle went.”
Maire McCrab (44) revealed she took the children and herself to her mother’s house in order to shield her family from the unfolding horror:
“We arrived back and tiptoed in at about 11pm. All we could hear were the groans coming from the living room. Poor Carl – he was smothered in Tuc biscuits and had what looked like most of a Bounty smeared all over his baldy head. And he was saying things like ‘not Kerry for feck sake’ in between the sobs and sighs. He’s off the wagon big time. I’m praying Tyrone do not get turned over by Westmeath this weekend. He’ll go mad on the crisps.”
Tyrone officials have refused to comment on individual cases but have set up a hotline for anyone else considering breaking their Lent after yesterday’s hammering.
Tyrone Tribulations 