An Omagh plasterer has ‘gone off the rails big time‘ after gorging on a mountain of buns, cakes, biscuits and chocolate when he reverted to comfort-eating in the wake of Kerry’s annihilation of Tyrone on Sunday afternoon. Carl McCrab, who initially committed to a Lenten abstinence from all kinds of pastries and confectionary, has admitted he feels ‘broken’ and ashamed of his fall from grace but lays the blame firmly at the feet of the Tyrone senior footballers and management team.
McCrab (38), whilst wiping the remains of a Drifter from his upper lip, told us this morning:
“Yes, I hit it hard last night. When the third goal went in I went clean mad and raided the larder. The wife was pleading with me to step away and the children crying will live with me for years. But I just couldn’t help myself and devoured a whole tray of coconut buns and a packet of Munchies even before the final whistle went.”
Maire McCrab (44) revealed she took the children and herself to her mother’s house in order to shield her family from the unfolding horror:
“We arrived back and tiptoed in at about 11pm. All we could hear were the groans coming from the living room. Poor Carl – he was smothered in Tuc biscuits and had what looked like most of a Bounty smeared all over his baldy head. And he was saying things like ‘not Kerry for feck sake’ in between the sobs and sighs. He’s off the wagon big time. I’m praying Tyrone do not get turned over by Westmeath this weekend. He’ll go mad on the crisps.”
Tyrone officials have refused to comment on individual cases but have set up a hotline for anyone else considering breaking their Lent after yesterday’s hammering.
A member of the great Kerry side which defeated Tyrone 2-15 to 1-10 in the 1986 All-Ireland Final has today revealed that Thatcher gave them ‘deadly tips’ on how to beat Art McRory’s men about a week before that infamous game. The anonymous charismatic Kingdom forward said the Iron Lady popped down to Killarney during intense training and called the squad together into a huddle for a pep talk to highlight a few weaknesses that proved crucial on the day.
“Micko had just finished the 36-lap drill and we were about to run up Carrauntoohil when a helicopter landed around the middle of the field and yer woman jumped off with a headscarf on her. She beckoned us to gather around her with a big curly crooked finger and bejaysus she’s the sort of girl you listened to. Even Micko took his cap off. She said something about a northern team never lifting Sam under her watch and rhymed off about a dozen tactics to try out on the day. The most memorable was to wind Kevin McCabe up about his moustache. When he took the penalty, half of our team were shouting things like ‘Charlie Chaplin’ or ‘Daley Thompson’ at him. I’m 100% sure that’s why he stuck it over.”
Our source also revealed they presented her with a used Kerry jersey and a clump of butter. He said her knowledge of Ulster football was impressive.
“She wasn’t behind the door about dishing out the dirt of boys like John Lynch or Plunkett Donaghy. Apparently they were massive Duran Duran fans at that time so we just rubbished their music during the game. People talk of McMenamin and those boys excelling at the trash-talking. We were at it back in the 80s, aided by Thatcher herself. She had us wired up about the rivalry between the Fianna and the O’Rahillys. We fairly wound up McClure and O’Hagan. It worked a dream.”
Thatcher stood down in November 1990 and within ten months Down won the All-Ireland.