Monthly Archives: July 2021

ARGUMENTATIVE DRUMMURRER NEIGHBOURS AIM FOR 2024 OLYMPIC GOLD IN ROWING.

An East Tyrone amateur debating team have indicated that they will strive to win rowing gold in Paris, having been labelled as the best arguers and twisters in the townland for many years.

Terrence McNeill and Madge Heron have been rowing for over three years on topics such as fertilizer, Brexit, religion, politics, sport, climate change, tractors, access to land, food, fashion, and vaccines.

Another neighbour, Danny McCabe, explained:

“They’ve been rowing over all sorts for years. When we heard you can get a medal for rowing, we were straight around to both houses and told them to start practising for 2024. I’m sure there’s a local grant we can get to facilitate their training.”

Unfortunately, both competitors were unavailable for interview after rowing about who should go first.

McNeill and Heron will have to compete in the Tyrone Rowing Championships first, which will be held in Beragh in January 2022. The topic for rowing next year is ‘Tea from a pot is better than the single teabag’. Already, McNeill and Heron have fallen out over this which bodes well.

Jim Allister To Throw In Ball At Croke Park Ulster Final To Commemorate Centenary of Border, In Exchange For Early Border Poll

In a bid to speed up the possibility of a border poll and a united Ireland eventually, the GAA are reportedly about to grant Jim Allister’s wish to throw in the ball for the Tyrone/Monaghan Ulster Final in order to commemorate 100 years of the border. Six marching bands from different Orange Lodges will parade around Croke Park before the game. The GAA have stopped short of allowing Allister’s ring being kissed by both captains, as was Jim’s wish.

The TUV leader has been practising throwing the ball up in the air since late June when he was secretly told that the deal would go ahead no matter who was in the final. Allister was also warned to ‘run like hell’ after he throws the ball up in case he’s milled in a stampede. An official explained:

“Tyrone have two big strapping lads in midfield and we all know the brutal ignorance of them Monaghan lads. It would be in Jim’s interest to start running towards the sideline as soon as the ball leaves his hands, and to throw it very high in the air in order to buy him time.”

The 18’000 crowd will be treated to four flute bands and two accordion bands, playing some classic tunes such as ‘The Papish Goat’ and ‘Orange Apron Trimmed With Blue’

During the national anthem, Allister has admitted he will put earphones on and listen to a podcast.

Songs Of Praise Overrun May See Tyrone/Donegal Game Deferred Again On Sunday

Following the deferment of the deferred Tyrone/Cavan game last Sunday due to an enthralling men’s doubles game at Wimbledon, there are fears within the county that this weekend’s game may be deferred if Songs of Praise overruns due to people singing slowly or maybe banging out more songs than they normally would.

Last week, many in both Tyrone and Cavan only found out who won at midnight when the programme ended, with some viewers falling asleep and only finding out on the radio the next morning.

One viewer warned:

“I’ll be watching Songs of Praise closely. If I see them singing The Lord Is My Shepherd at half the pace I’ll be emailing Points of View in live time. They’re only singing slowly because they hate the GAA. Or Tyrone. How Great Thou Art is seven verses long. No way should that be sung.”

Meanwhile, several viewers have since taken up doubles tennis after last week’s delayed scheduling. Two couples were caught playing tennis at Augher GAA pitch during the week, but were soon chased to Filemiletown.

Church Attendance Set To Rocket On Sunday Before Euro Final

Moy man, this morning

Parishes across the county have been warned to expect ‘droves’ of lapsed worshippers returning to Mass this Sunday, just hours before the Euro final between Italy and England. The Vatican have asked priests to turn a blind eye to those who don’t know the new rules about sitting, standing and genuflecting.

Already, several complaints have been made to authorities regarding light pollution as multiple candles have been lit in most households since 11pm on Wednesday night.

Henry Campbell, a non-practising Catholic of 55 years from Beragh, admitted he has felt an undeniable urge to return to religion immediately:

“I can’t explain it. As soon as the final whistle went last night, I fell to my knees and said ‘Holy Mary, mother of God’ and just started praying. It was a magical, yet worrying feeling, like impending doom. I can’t wait to go to Mass now on Sunday. I’ll be praying like hell. Are you still allowed to talk after Communion?”

Meanwhile, three Kane families in Coalisland have urged people to stop giving them dirty looks, reiterating that they’re not related to Harry Kane in the slightest. The Maguires and Rices in Dungannon have also experienced similar social isolation in the last three weeks.

Ronaldo ‘Not Ruling Out’ Move To Dungannon Swifts At End Of Career

In a shock Instagram post, Portuguese soccer man Cristiano Ronaldo has left his strongest hint yet that he may see out his glittering career playing in the Irish League for the struggling Dungannon Swifts.

The local Portuguese community in the town have been wildly celebrating the possibility of their national icon donning the blue jersey of the Swifts and have already purchased over 300 season tickets for the 350-seated stadium for the next two years.

Ronaldo, who turns 37 next February, was photographed reading an Images of Ireland book focused on Dungannon itself in a bid to possibly familiarise himself with important places such as the library, Hagan’s Bar and the Hill of the O’Neill and Ranfurly House Arts and Visitors’ Centre. It is also thought that he may join the leisure centre if prices remain competitive.

Long time Swift’s fan Roger McAree added a word of caution:

“He’ll have to earn his place on the Swift’s side. And he won’t be on the free kicks. We’ve a young lad from Portadown joining next year and he’s meant to be pure class at the dead balls. So, it’s great news and all but he won’t be given star treatment.”

When asked about the news, a friend of Ronaldo’s agent’s brother said ‘I’m not ruling anything out’.

Meanwhile, Dungannon GAA club’s footballers have also announced a new signing of sorts to rival the possible news of Ronaldo going to the Swifts. They’ve purchased a new coffee machine but will only share it with the hurlers on Thursdays.

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