Training for the 2024 Olympics began in earnest across the county today after it emerged that break-dancing, wife-carrying and more importantly line-dancing were added to the official schedule for the Paris Games.
Tammy Kilpatrick (40) from Annaghnaboe, the East Tyrone Line-Dancing champion from 1998-2017, has come out of retirement in a bid to become Tyrone’s first gold medalist at the Olympics and has already downloaded Achy Breaky Heart, Boot Scootin’ Boogie and Chattahoochee in order to brush off the cobwebs:
“I can’t believe it. I’d be very confident. Once you win in Ardboe Hall, you can win anywhere including the big arenas in Paris. Let’s be honest, it’s going to be between us and the Yanks and I’m not sure if they have the hunger we have here. I’m starting to think Brooks was bribed not to come to Croke Park all those years ago to keep us on the back foot.”
Early rules have already stated that all men must wear a checked shirt tucked into their jeans which may need practising as many locals had begun practising the more European shirt outside jeans look in recent years.
Schools will receive grants for after-schools line-dancing classes in preparation for the Los Angeles 2028 Olympics which will hope to garner 12 gold medals for the Emerald Isle.
The Irish Olympic Team will return with at least one gold after Paddy Mulligan stormed clear in the Trellis Fencing discipline, knocking up a 4-sided one-acre garden fence in under two hours, a world record, using 6 x 1ft trellis panels.
Mulligan, whose grandfather won a silver medal in 1932 in the Literary section for a poem about the length of the Main Street, was said to be ecstatic with the medal but warned locals it will probably cause an increase in his fees:
“Fencing has always been in my family but I never knew I’d become a gold medal winning Olympian out of it. I knew after the first round that I’d a good chance as the rest were a bunch of cowboys, especially the Russians. I’ll be re-assessing charges.”
Mulligan’s win has been greeted quietly in Cookstown with many worrying about money they still owe to the gold medallist. Shopkeeper Brendy Sheehy warned:
“He’s a gangster at the best of times; this’ll create some queue at the Credit Union. Great performance in Rio and all that but it couldn’t happen to a more miserly bollocks. He’ll be hard to stick.”
There’ll be a home-coming for Mulligan in the Glenavon carpark on Sunday.
John Hinney, a well known Strabane rioter who comes from a long line of Hinney insurgents, has qualified for Rio after launching his homemade javelin 83.5m from one side of the River Mourne to the other in a fit of bad temper.
Hinney, who lists ‘throwing rubble at the Brits in the 80s’ as a previous pastime, will fly out to Brazil at the end of July after spending two months at a high altitude training camp in the Sperrins. Olympic officials confirmed that the Spout Road man had reached the qualifying distance of 83m although the Irish Athletics Association have refused to recognise the distance as an Irish record due to a ferocious wind factor on the day. The official Irish record still stands as 82.75m.
“I’ve been practising in my field since the London Olympics but couldn’t get over 40m. My mother had been watching me and gave me the best pep talk ever. She said to just pretend there are a pile of Brits in the distance in their Land Rovers giving me the fingers and singing God Save the Queen and stuff like that. All of a sudden I was hitting over 70m regularly so it was only a matter of time.”
The magical 83m distance was achieved yesterday when Hinney’s uncle Tomas Kennedy was spotted on the other side of the River Mourne whistling Rule Britannia in a deliberate ploy to rile the 44-year old Strabane man.
“I lost the head completely and fired my home-made javelin over the river at him. Luckily it was caught on camera and using digital technology it was confirmed as 83.5m. Unfortunately, my uncle is in intensive care and I hope he pulls through before Rio.”
The Irish Athletics Association are looking into scheduling Hinney’s Olympic throw at the same time as the Rowing medals are dished out, in the hope that God Save the Queen is belting out as he makes his first throw.
Tyrone Tribulations declared itself ‘champion of the people’ after Dungannon Council agreed to provide free car parking in Dungannon town centre in September and October.
The Tyrone-based online news blog claimed that the Council had caved in to pressure following an article that appeared on the Tyrone
Tribulations website on the 4 August in relation to profits generated from the car parking facilities in Dungannon for the last three years.
“This is all down to us”, said journalist Shengas McGlumphie from behind an accumulation of empty whiskey glasses in Hagan’s Bar in Irish Street. “Our campaign to highlight the parking charges in Dungannon, has been a long, arduous, exhausting campaign that started on the 4th of August and finished about 3pm the same day. Jay, there was some drink taken that night boys”, he said. “Although there’s drink taken most nights to be honest”.
He went on,
“Tyrone Tribulations has reported and championed everything from nationalising Hugo Duncan to making Pomeroy less hilly. These are things that really matter to the people of Tyrone. It’s investigative reporting at its best. Today it’s bringing free parking to Dungannon, tomorrow it’ll be bringing the Olympics to Britain or suchlike. Sometimes you’ve got to stand up to the man. Deadly”.
McGlumphie refused to be drawn on reports that the website was little more than a collection of hastily written half-truths, that much of it was simply copied and pasted from the Dungannon Observer, and that the writers lacked communicative style and finesse.
“That’s f***ing bollocks that is”, said McGlumphie. “Tyrone Tribulations is quality reporting at its best. And I can categorically confirm that we have never copied stuff from the Dungannon Observer. Never in a million years. It’s usually the Tyrone Times. The Observer uses tara long words”.
A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone stated that they knew nothing of the campaign and had never heard of Tyrone Tribulations.
Tyrone Tribulations Global Media Ltd, which owns Tyrone Tribulations, continues to be based in a corner of Dungannon Library until such time as they can afford to buy their own computer.
Tyrone is to be firmly put on the world map after Edendork Pipe Band received confirmation that they’ll parade Brazil and Croatia around the field in Sao Paulo at the opening game in the 2014 World Cup.
Pipe Major Jemmy O’Neill wasn’t overly surprised at the news:
“When we applied we had a fair idea we’d get the nod. I know there were 69’000 bands who applied from all over the world but I think when they saw a video of us parading the Ladies Football teams of Carrickmore and Coalisland around the Brackaville field last month they knew they were on to a good thing.”
O’Neill is adamant that locals will dig deep to raise the £150’000 needed to fly the entire band, instruments, WAGS and husbands over next June:
“I’m sure we’ll raise the money no bother. For the next 6 months we’ll have a man standing outside the entrance to Tyrone Brick with an empty Quality Street so drivers can slow down and toss in coppers and loose change. We’ll also be selling ballots around houses around Christmas. Tickets cost £100 and you can win a lifetime’s supply of bricks from what was left in the old factory.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone band has performed at a major sporting event. In 1984, Cloughfin played The Star Spangled Banner for Carl Lewis at his medal ceremony for the 100m during the Los Angeles Olympics. O’Neill reckons they’ll learn from Cloughfin’s experience:
“I was a member of Cloughfin and we never forgot they way we were treated. Not one sandwich was laid on after our performance. Not one. They thought the £80’000 fee would sweeten us but all we wanted were corned beef sandwiches. Eff Los Angeles we said. This time we’re taking no chances and bringing half a million sandwiches with us.”
O’Neill now becomes the first man to play at the World Cup, Olympics and the Tyrone Ladies Final.
A Loughmacrory plumber, Mickey Curran (44), was this morning still maintaining he ran a mile in 3 mins 45 seconds – becoming only the fourth man in history to do so – on his first run ever trying to lose a bit of weight. His wife has continued to pour scorn on the claim, insisting that he paused the time on his phone by mistake and that he was actually gone from the house for ‘over an hour’.
Curran, a 20-a-day smoker who currently weighs 17 stone and hasn’t run since he was 14 or so, decided to get fit after making fun of a hefty reflection of a man in a shop window in Omagh before realising it was himself. Setting off down the Crotty Road yesterday morning, Curran says he wasn’t surprised at his record breaking time:
“I had a fair idea I was flying. Although I haven’t exercised in 30 years and am carrying a bit of timber, I’ve always imagined I’d be a deadly runner. I remember watching the lympics and saying to herself that I’d bate most of them Africans no bother. And I’ve just proved it. That Morrocan boy (Hicham El Guerrouj) may get used to the fact that by the end of this week his 3:43 time will be shattered, right here in Loughmacrory. A mile seems to be my distance”.
Daisy Curran has rubbished her husband’s claims and maintains he’s just making an idiot out of himself:
“Jaysus, he’s some dick. He was gone for over an hour and came back with vomit streaming down his Frankie Goes To Hollywood t-shirt. Sure I could see him out the kitchen window. He barely made it down our lane and that’s only 10 metres. Clampit. He has accidentally pushed the pause button on the iphone”.
Curran has set his sights on breaking world records for javelin, shot-put, 100m and downhill skiing by the end of the month.
A Galbally boiler servicer announced yesterday that he’s on course to reach the Olympics in Brazil 2016 at the javelin throwing. Mark Kerlin took the decision to train for the next Olympics in Rio after attending the London games earlier in the year with his father Joe, a former arm-wrestling champion at Galbally sports day.
“I only went to see yer man Bolt and the javelin was on at the same time. I know I was high up, and steaming as well, and that may have distorted my judgement but, Jaysus, them throwers were pure shite. My da agreed with me. He said he has thrown children further. It was then that it dawned on me. In a drunken pledge, I decided to get myself into shape and throw for Ireland in the next Olympics. I am going to put this place on the map. Imagine them Brazilians saying Galbally.”
Kerlin managed to steal a javelin from the local primary school and set to work around the back of his house, throwing the thing “3 or 4 times a day”.
“I’m not saying it was easy at first. I spiked the neighbour’s Labrador with my first throw as well as other fatal mishaps. Half of my left ear is missing. What? But I soon got into a rhythm and, with the support of my good wife who tramps out the distance each time, I’m up to 15m a throw. The Irish record is 70m. It’s only a matter of time bejaysus. The cars on the main road probably think there’s something wrong with me when they see me hurling the thing, dressed in a sports vest. Well, I’ll have the last laugh when I line out in Rio de Janeiro, the sniggering fcukers. I can hear what they’re shouting out the window.”
The boilerman has started asking for sponsorship but has not managed to secure any funding from local businesses, labelling them “a miserable shower of fcuking stingy bastards. Typical Galbally hoors. I’m moving to Kildress.”