Mountains of Pomeroy Downgraded to Hills
Tension were high in Pomeroy tonight after UTV reported that their mountains were a sham and had always been just a ‘lock of wee hills’ according to the official Tyrone geologist Daniel Durkin.
In a move which has shaken the village to its foundations, the ramifications are mammoth with songs, poems and sign posts needing to be adjusted before midnight tonight. UTV revealed the exclusive as their lead item in this evening’s news, releasing Durkin’s statement to the general public:
“After extensive research over the last few days, we have come to the educated conclusion that there are, in fact, no mountains in Pomeroy. To be honest, there are a few hills and some of them aren’t even that big. I’ve seen bigger sandcastles. These people are deluding themselves. I witnessed women in the shop talking about there being ‘gold in them there mountains’. They even sell ‘The Pomeroy Yeti’ t-shirts to foreigners, making them believe that there’s a creature roaming about Pomeroy’s mounds. They’re just wee drumlins. From midnight tonight, anyone seen promoting the existence of hills or making money from merchandise around this fallacy will be detained without trial. Mountains my arse.”
Pomeranians have reacted angrily to the news with reports tonight of derelict farm buildings on fire and mass looting of the Centra shop. Local bulb-fixer Paddy Molloy voiced the anger of the village:
“Are they blind? Look at them there mountains. They’re massive and in the winter there’d be snow on them. Are you telling me that George Sigerson was wrong when he wrote that song about Renardine and the pale bride? What about the Artane Boys’ Band? What are they going to play now? The Lily of Lough Neagh? I say we burn the whole place down in protest.”
Durkin is currently looking into The Hills Above Drumquin with early indications pointing towards a downgrading to ‘a bit of a heap’.