Category Archives: GAA

Drawn Tyrone Club Games To Be Settled With Irish Dance-Off In 2020

imagesPlayers up and down the county have signed up to Irish dancing classes after it emerged that all drawn games next year will be settled by Irish dancing between 5 players on each side. 

After repeated criticisms over the penalty shoot-out debacle which saw Tyrone’s Fermanagh side, Trillick, lose their place in the Ulster Championship, the Tyrone County Board have decided to have a dance-off which they claim adheres to the GAA’s ethos of promotion of Irish culture.

PRO Danny McRichard explained:

“Aye it’s true. Teams can decide to do either solo dancing or group dancing like the Walls of Limerick. We expect to see 10 men dancing in some form at the same time, all over the park.”

The best dancing team will be adjudicated by a panel of expert Irish Dancing teachers from neighbouring counties.

Already, players such as Niall Sludden, Petey Harte and Colm Cavanagh have already been spotted dancing up at Garvaghey under floodlights. Coalisland’s Hamspey requested he do hip-hop but it was denied.

Meanwhile, Omagh is currently under water. Anyone with fins has been asked to come to the town hall for instructions as to how to bring rations to old people in the area.

DUP And UUP Merge In South Tyrone To Form DUUUUUPED Electoral Team

Publication22The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’. 

Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:

“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”

The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.

Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.

Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.

Urney Man Told To Stop Breathing Heavily/Nose-Whistling By Wife

NoseWhistleAn Urney accountant has enrolled in Stabilised Breathing Classes at the Strabane Marital Strife Centre after his wife told him that if he doesn’t stop breathing like that she’s off. 

Pat O’Connell, who admits he breathes heavy after a few beers or if he has put on a lock of pounds, sounded a warning to all Tyrone men that women in the county are currently uprising against heavy breathing not just at night but even when sitting watching TV:

I didn’t know I was whistling through my nose at all til she pointed it out. Apparently I ruined a complete episode of Emerdale Farm on Thursday by breathing the whole way through it. We watched Grand Designs after it and I held my breath for 20 minutes.”

Churches throughout the county are looking into ‘Whistling Rooms’ where men with nasal complications can sit in free from dirty looks and ridicule.

In other news, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be a bit ‘cuter’ next year after they were drawn with Donegal. In a post-Brexit environment, customs have promised to check sandwiches and tea for signs of smugglement, especially regarding Tayto and corned beef which the Republic are said to possess superior versions of.

Stewartstown Women’s Rights Activist Group Admit Stealing Manholes

847372-manhole-1ERFSW (Equal Rights For Stewartstown Women) have admitted they stole 23 manholes from the Stewartstown and Cookstown area at the weekend under the cover of darkness. 

Spokesperson for the new group, Mary Devlin, maintains that this is just the start of a much needed fight back against neutral things that have been masculine for centuries.

“Why not womanholes? We don’t want them to be called womanholes, like, but we’re just pointing out the madness of it all. Peopleholes is acceptable so it is. And don’t start me about Neil Armstrong and his mankind talk. The next time I see him he’ll know about it. We’re thinking of giving the fingers to the International Space Station the next time it flies over. And I’ll wallop the next person who says I manhandled them.”

ERFSW have already launched a legal bit to get all ‘manslaughter’ charges renamed as well as ‘manpower’ banned from the Oxford English Dictionary. They will also return all peopleholes next week and have promised to pump funds into any claims for flat tyres caused by the missing holes.

Meanwhile, Tyrone men have been voted the ‘Most Likely To Have Blonde Highlights’ for the sixteenth year in a row by the international magazine Cosmopolitan.

 

Housewives Despondent After Brolly Axe

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50 Shades of Brolly

Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game. 

Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.

A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:

This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”

RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.

Cost Of Sausage Rolls At Garvaghey May Be Behind Donnelly And O’Neill Departures

thAlthough both Stephen O’Neill and Peter Donnelly have remained tight-lipped about their departures from the Tyrone set up in recent weeks, it has emerged that a price hike in sausage rolls last month at the Garvaghey Training Centre near Ballygawley may have been the final straw for both former members of the backroom staff.

Sources close to the county set up maintain that uncertainty over Brexit has panicked the Garvaghey kitchen staff and that, in response to this, they have increased the cost of a sausage roll by 70p to £2.20.

Donnelly and O’Neill were famed for their legendary consumption of sausage rolls, with the Coalisland trainer Donnelly scoffing up to 8 sausage rolls a day whilst shouting at players for not running harder. Former All Star O’Neill was also a prolific sausage roll devourer during his playing career, often celebrating big wins by downing a 2-foot sausage roll from the chip shop in Aughabrack.

Our source added:

“Expect more. Horse Devlin is holding out so far but it’s costing him a fortune. They’re also charging 10p a sachet now for the brown sauce.”

Meanwhile, in the absence of a strength and conditioning coach, the county board have drawn up an initial training schedule for January which involves running around the dog track in Dungannon after Dublin’s Jack McCaffrey.

Tyrone Schools Criticised For Still Serving Semolina And Pink Custard

55d02cf6c4338adb4d3e8ee979b50cb3--school-dinner-recipes-custard-recipesHard, thick-skinned semolina still dominates the Tyrone schoolchild’s diet according to health watchdogs after an investigation into the eating habits in canteens in the county for a hard-hitting Channel 4 show published their findings.

Additionally, sponge cake covered in pink custard appeared in over 85% of school dessert menus, often compulsory, as cooks across the county were advised to try some more adventurous dishes such as creamed rice or ice cream and wafers.

However head teachers have rejected the findings, claiming that Tyrone school children achieve high grades in exams due to their willingness to study over the lunch break rather than eat in the canteens.

Last week, a Dungannon student claimed he was served the same deformed three-legged chip two days in a row after refusing to eat it the first day. Governors at the school admitted that, although the claim may be true, it highlighted the financial constraints in education today.

Mrs Bullock added:

“We might even use that three-legged deformed chip as the cover page for our school magazine, as a sign of the times.”

Semolina has been a staple diet of Tyrone children for over 300 years and has been linked to their tendency to be under the average height for an Irish person since records began.

 

 

Harte and Devlin To Wear Disguises Against Dublin

man in disguise

Tyrone Medical Man

As well as making 15 changes to the starting team, it has been revealed that the Tyrone management team will try to confuse their opponents even further by wearing false moustaches, fake glasses and wigs

According to inside sources, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin was spotted walking around Ardboe with a pencilled moustache and NHS glasses at night time in order to get used to the experience. Meanwhile, manager Mickey Harte’s postman maintains he delivered over 30 different wigs since last week to Ballygawley, mostly ordered from Amazon.

It has also been suggested that some first team players refused to play in Harte’s wigs and were subsequently dropped. Cathal McShane was reportedly extremely vocal about refusing to wear an Elvis Presley hair and chest piece combo.

A squad player added:

“I just hope we recognise Mickey on Sunday. Apparently he’s dressing as Dolly Parton in order to completely bamboozle his opposite number, Jim Gavin. I hope it works to be honest.”

Meanwhile, Omagh groundspeople have promised to put sausages in the hot dogs this year after last year’s debacle.

Shane Lowry and Tyrone GAA Team Up To Defeat The Dubs

6d01bc9b-dc49-46e9-a11e-6e010ff74197Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.

Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.

Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.

It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.

Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.

Tyrone GAA Players To Record ‘The Sash’ For Bonfire Charity

thomas-murdock-sash-2A number of the Tyrone Senior GAA panel were today in a recording studio in Omagh compiling a short 2-track album of ‘The Sash My Father Wore’  and ‘The Ladies Orange Lodge’ as a gesture of reconciliation, after some of the younger players were filmed belting out a rebel song coming home from beating Cavan at the weekend.

Although none of them were actually caught singing the song that was recently heard on the Alan Partridge show, as senior members of the squad they decided to live up to their role model statuses.

A leaked video of the session in Omagh today showed Colm Cavanagh furiously but happily hammering away at a Lambeg Drum with the Donnelly brothers adept at flute accompaniment.

The squad member added:

“Who knew Colm would be great at the Lambeg too? The only downside was Petey Harte who didn’t seem to know how to play the triangle at all, always missing the beat by a good bit. He was asked to leave before the end – a musical black card of sorts which I thought was harsh.”

He also informed us that McShane sang like an angel, accompanied by McCurry who rapped a portion of The Sash to give it a modern slant.

The 2-track album will be available on Spotify by tonight and in all good record stores.  A squad member confirmed tonight that all proceeds will go to the building of a massive bonfire in the middle of Carrickmore on the 11th night.

Lamp Posts To Be Banned To Solve Flags Issue

flagsThe Flags Commission have issued a final recommendation that all lamp posts be taken down for at least five years in order to address the tricky flags conundrum the group were set up to solve.

They also added that anyone wishing to fly a flag of any sort should have their own portable lamp post and walk around with it. Any unattended lamp posts will be confiscated by a lamp post watchdog committee who will lurk in all counties in unmarked cars.

The Flags Commission treasurer Chris Campbell revealed they have already started removing lamp posts in areas like Moygashel and Larne as a trial run:

“It does make the streets a bit darker we admit, but with the advent of mobile phones and health watches there should be enough light generated to complete a safe journey by foot.”

Already, three portable lamp post manufacturers have sprung up locally with the help of a grant set up by the newly formed Northern Irish Renewable Light Incentive.

Carrying his own lamp post with flag attached, Dungannon man Norman Hanson admitted the whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome:

“The whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome. God Save The Queen.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have hinted that they will give out free portable lamp posts if the senior team progress to the latter stages of the Championship this year.

Sean Cavanagh’s Hair Gel Fails RTE Risk Assessment

808807-e1501691361854Kerry’s Tomás O’ Sé has privately admitted to friends and family that he fears for his life after it emerged that Sean Cavanagh failed a Health and Safety check in RTE studios.

Cavanagh, who denies any behind the scenes deal with famous hair gel giants, failed a risk assessment test on Sunday before the programme went live. A lit match above the Tyrone legend’s hair managed to engulf the whole studio in flames for 4 seconds, scarring O’ Sé’s already naturally singed brows.

An RTE insider told us:

“Cavanagh would need to wise up. It’s ok being the professional women’s favourite but to put the whole studio at risk is reckless. Tomás has an appeal to the agricultural woman so he just rocks as he is and it is a whole lot safer.”

The Moy’s less defensive Cavanagh has repeatedly denied any deal with hair gel giants Brylcreem but insiders believe he may soon slap on gel live on TV to promote his own brand of homemade hair stuff.

Cavanagh will appear in future shows though RTE have promised to have extra fire extinguishers on hand under punishing studio lights.

Tyrone Board To Cancel Plans For Unique Quarter Final Draw After Animal Rights Complaints

article-2644641-00380EDA00000258-614_634x566A Tyrone County Board member has described today’s generation as ‘snowflakers’ after they were forced to cancel plans to have a cow swallow 8 small snooker balls with numbers on them and wait for her to shite them out to form the senior championship quarter final draw.

Local animal rights activists had promised to chain themselves to the gates at the Garvaghey GAA Centre if the draw went ahead in this fashion. One such member, Aidy McGuckian, explained:

“This idea was totally ridiculous. Cows don’t eat snooker balls. And even if it did, you could be waiting days for her to shite all 8 balls out. This wasn’t well thought out at all.”

A leaked report suggests that a mostly-successful trial run had already been carried out in a field near Pomeroy last week. The only hiccups reported were when the cow shat out 2 balls at the same time, and the cleaning of the balls.

An anonymous County Board member lambasted today’s generation as ‘total snowflakers with no imagination at all’ and hasn’t ruled out carrying out their idea behind closed doors.

Tyrone Babies In Every County Now Due To Red Hand Back Door Exploits Since 2002

GAA-Tyrone-Fans1It has emerged that there are now over an estimated 7000 men and women with thick Tyrone heads on them roaming about all counties in Ireland due to Tyrone’s tendency to go the back door route every year in the All Ireland Football Championship.

With Tyrone already preferring the scenic route in 2019, experts reckon that figure might reach 8000 before the season is out. The Red Hand county’s massive male travelling support have continued to woo local women in counties such as Carlow, Meath and Longford, the majority resulting in fairly brief but productive courtships.

Having dabbled in the back door route since 2002, counties such as Wexford and Leitrim already have Tyrone-blooded 17-year-olds playing for their county minor teams.

Leitrim county selector Liam O’Touhill reckons he has three boys playing for the U17 team with unmistakeable Tyrone heads on them:

“You can’t miss them. They have that sort of permanent scowl on the faces, liking for country music and some of their actions on the field are questionable to say the least. It’s no coincidence that Tyrone played here in 2002. The first game was called off after 10 mins because of rain and I know a pile of Tyrone boys went drinking in Carrick-on-Shannon that evening.”

Tyrone play Longford next week, having played there seven years ago. The county board have urged their male supporters to do the right thing if approached by a seven year old and their mother.

Meanwhile, Peter Harte has described as ‘ludicrous’ the accusation that he purposely got black carded last Saturday against Donegal so that he could see Love Island live on the TV.

 

Coalisland Comes To Standstill After News Of Royal Birth

 

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Coalisland, earlier

Bonfires were sporadically ablaze on Annagher Hill as early as 3pm today after ecstatic Coalislanders downed tools to toast the arrival of Prince Harry’s child, who is 7th in line to the throne as English monarch. 

 

In scenes reminiscent of Dennis Taylor’s World Championship win in 1985, car horns signalled the arrival of the child with the local chip shop, Landi’s, offering a royal Happy Hour from 4.30pm to 5pm with cowboy suppers slashed from £4.99 to £4.59.

Local historian Mairead O’Herron admitted she hadn’t stopped crying since the news broke:

“Don’t underestimate what this means to the people of Coalisland. We’re mad about the royals here. Sure wasn’t Springisland supermarket named after Charlie’s favourite season. There’ll not be any work done for a week in the town now.”

she added before winking and walking off towards the off-licence.

Bookies in the town are already taking bets on the name of the child, with Turlough a firm favourite with many local punters. Serious money was stuck on Wolfe-Tone initially until someone confirmed that royal babies can’t have doubled barrelled first names.

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have revealed they will give out Prince Harry face masks to all supporters before this Sunday’s championship match against Derry. Insiders have quietly admitted that the masks just look like Peter Harte. 

 

Coalisland Man Disowned For Claiming Game Of Thrones Was Shite

jonsnowonthronegotA Coalisland plumber, who won East Tyrone Mr Wrangler Jeans Backside in 2007, has claimed he has never felt so lonely after he openly claimed that Game of Thrones was shite and that Derry Girls wasn’t much better. 

Tommy Quinn, who also made the papers in 2016 after finding a gold ring with his metal detector which dated back to the 1960s, was refused entry to three of the town’s watering holes last night as well as all 34 off-licences.

“The priest said last week at Mass that honesty pays. So I goes into O’Neill’s pub and told everyone that the Game of Thrones was pure dung. I was immediately glassed. I then stood tall and said that Derry Girls was as funny as a kick in the balls. I was glassed again and lifted by three women and thrown through the window. Fr Toner needs to explain that.”

Quinn has now found a drinking den behind the old egg factory in the town alongside three 16 year olds and a dog.

Meanwhile, Peter Canavan has denied that he inspired the Game of Thrones franchise after claiming in his Croke Park All Ireland acceptance speech in 2003 that he was taking Sam back to Throne.

Tyrone v Antrim May Be Played At Windsor Park

The_National_Football_Stadium_at_Windsor_ParkNews leaked from the Ulster GAA offices are suggesting that if Tyrone achieve a highly unlikely victory over Derry in Omagh in the preliminary round of the Ulster Football Championship, their quarter final tie against Antrim will be played at Windsor Park in Belfast, home of Linfield and the Northern Ireland soccer team. 

Due to the long grass in Casement Park, Antrim have been frantically searching for an alternative venue for their home fixture and were reportedly considering playing the game around the back of the Andersonstown Leisure Centre on a concrete surface.

Heroically, Linfield FC have stepped in to save the day and have offered to let out their pitch for three hours at 6pm on Saturday 25th May for £300 an hour as long as the anthem is played by a flute band and that any national flags are restricted to the Ivory Coast or Italian ones.

Cross-community guru Alastair Jacobs admitted that this may be the greatest single world event in recent times, rivalled only by the fall of the Berlin Wall or the Mandela presidency.

“For Linfield and the IFA to open up their hallowed ground to the gaels of Tyrone and Antrim is an emotional gesture. GAA fans will get to taste really good burgers and stuff.”

Unfortunately, the Ulster GAA Council have been asked to provide their own goalposts. Unable to do so, Ulster officials have asked players and umpires to use their imagination.

Ronan O’Neill Takes Time Off To Become Face Of Dip Dab Ireland

inpho-01238551 copyWith county football starting opportunities limited, Ronan O’Neill has decided step away from the county scene to focus on his two greatest loves – Omagh GAA and dabbing.

The St Enda’s star, whose skilful approach to the game is under appreciated in the modern era, will throw his lot into trying to win the championship with his beloved Omagh as well as becoming the face of Dip Dabs, the fruit flavoured sherbet dip, in Ireland.

Gareth Shields, O’Neill’s long time agent, admitted this could be the start of a promising modelling career for the handsome ex-Omagh CBS starlet.

“Dip Dabs are still massive in Tyrone. The amount of young ones running around Omagh with white stuff under their noses is testament to that. Ronan can now send  sherbet consumption in GAA circles into the stratosphere. That dab he did in Croke Park years ago was a genius marketing move from the lad.”

One of O’Neill’s toughest markets will be the greater Tattyreagh area who are notorious Sherbet Dip people. Many still remember the 1987 incident when a Dip Dab merchant attempted to sell his wares under the counter at the missions and was set alight by a gaggle of elderly worshippers.

Shock As Early Drawing Confirms St Patrick Liked Beans With His Fry

Saint-Patrick copyViolent skirmishes have broken outside churches, parades and pubs this morning after it emerged that St Patrick not only loved a fry in the morning but that he also took a slap of beans with it. 

The recent revelation emerged after a Strabane man discovered a drawing in his attic which depicted Patrick sitting down in a field near Dungannon, eating what looked like 3 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon, a fried egg, a fried tomato, potato bread, soda bread and mushrooms, all drowned in a healthy portion of baked beans.

Bean apologist Maggie Graham (58) from Aghaloo admitted it changes nothing for her:

“I’ve always been a big fan of Patrick and the fact that he slapped beans on the fry makes him even more of a hero. Some of the anti-bean brigade need to calm the frig down. There was no need for the boos during Hail Glorious St Patrick song at Mass this morning.”

However, Cappagh resident Henry Harris (71) was less accepting of the news:

That’s it for me. I always had my doubts about Patrick and his affiliation with Gortin GAA and all, but the beans thing disgusts me. From now on it’s St Brigid or nothing. Any man putting beans on his fry has a major question mark over him.”

Police have called for calm after rival beans-on-fry gangs were engaged in a 3-hour kicking session near Edendork Hall at 9am this morning.

Meanwhile the drawing has been taken to a big house for inspection.

Female Politician Of The Year Foster To Present Ginger Of The Year To Canavan

Fermanagh Manager, Peter Canavan.  DP39The Tyrone legend Peter Canavan is to receive another honour this weekend in Ballygawley after it was announced he will be the recipient of Tyrone Ginger of the Year, sponsored by Vosene. 

In addition, the diminutive Glencull terrier is to collect his award from the newly-crowned and much-deserved female politician of the year Arlene Foster. GAA fanatic Foster, renowned for her economic genius and general open-mindedness, was never seen out of Clones last year and even bought a headband.

Canavan will follow in the footsteps of other ginger winners such as Malachi Cush, Darren Clarke and Hugh O’Neill, Earl of Tyrone.

Event organiser Francis McAssisty admitted he was quite excited by the prospect of Foster and Canavan in the same room:

“It’s like seeing two of The Beatles together or two of ABBA, or even the Bee Gees. Foster is a world-famous politician and Canavan is also well-known in mid-Tyrone. There will be sandwiches and mineral for all attendees and a free sample of Vosene for everyone in a small fizzy drink bottle. The bottles have been well-washed, don’t worry.”

Meanwhile, residents in Ballygawley have been asked to fly DUP flags outside their windows to welcome Foster to the area. If none are available, it has been suggested that a bonfire be lit up on Garvaghey hill.

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