Category Archives: GAA

VIEW OF THE FUTURE: GAA FOUND IN TYRONE IN 2221

BY CLAMPED CANDY

Talk of schools putting GAA in History lessons. Might as well make a start. Football fading into the distant past. Can envisage Irish archaeologists in a couple of hundred years time finding what they believe to be the site of an ancient sporting ritual. Something to rival the great Aztec and Mayan civilizations. Where a primitive, savage form of football was first thought to have been played.

Deep in the heart of Tyrone, these archaeologists find a long, forgotten expanse, surrounded by steep, weed covered banks. Maybe used as a vantage point for local villagers to watch the spectacle. A white chalk or paint like substance marking out the perimeter of the arena. Tattered flags set at various distances along the field of play. Some at 45 metres from each end. Although some dispute as to whether it’s 50 yards, not 45 metres. Two long, wooden uprights at either side, possibly marking the territory of the ‘players’ taking part.

The experts finding fragments resembling the shape of human gums and teeth which may have been used to protect the mouths of those doing battle. Although after examination, it may turn out that the fragments are, actually, the gums and teeth of those taking part. A whistle. Possibly used to call protagonists to order during these rituals. A little book, with names scribbled inside. Names of significance? Worthy of recording? And coloured cards. Red, yellow, black. Could these have been used to distinguish those who had shown some form of bravery in combat. A signal to the massed hordes watching perhaps.

In one corner, a large, dilapidated board, with strange lettering and numerals. Deciphered by experts in ancient hieroglyphs. Something like,. Pomeroy 0-9…. Ardboe 0-8. Who were these ‘Pomeroy’ and ‘Ardboe’? Tribes meeting to resolve disputes? And the numbers, maybe signifying those sacrificed by the tribes taking part. Further excavations will reveal small dugouts or huts on each side of the flat expanse. Filled with ragged, threadbare clothing with numbers on the back and the same names as on the board. They will deduce that the garments were part of the attire worn before going into battle to replace those bludgeoned in the fray. Empty water vessels litter the arena. Sponges, spray cans and potions also plentiful. Experts speculate that these may have been used by witch doctors as remedies to force the injured back into the melee.

One lone, discarded piece of footwear. Maybe lost by a fleeing participant. And two long white coats found in an adjacent area, ripped and bloodstained, may be related to the site. Although no ‘ball’ will be found it will be presumed there was. Or perhaps a human skull was used in a macabre resemblance to what some experts say the ancient Mesoamericans did. Whatever, many of the remnants found will remain a mystery, and forever open to conjecture. But those names, Pomeroy and Ardboe will be synonymous with Machu and Tenochtitlan, as honorifics of great awe and wonder.

Derrylaughan GAA Under Investigation After Midges Seen Training Despite Ban

Derrylaughan GAC are currently the subject of a national investigation after video footage emerged of midges practising swarming tactics at the Washingbay despite a ban on all collective training due to the current health concerns.

The midges, which traditionally play a crucial role in blinding opposition players especially during the warmer months, were filmed swarming in well rehearsed moves and being egged on by two Derrylaughan stalwarts Pedro Kennedy and Horatio Cushnahan.

The midges were spotted perfecting the infamous eye-drilling move by lining up behind each other and attacking opposition forwards’ eyes by shooting into them, in numbers of 20’000 or more.

Another tactic involves a mesmeric swarming dance which can distract a rival goalkeeper with its beauty. It is said that Derrylaughan won the 1981 Championship after a particularly skilled batch of midges followed the team to neutral venues and set upon the opposition at the sound of the trigger word, ‘taggart’.

“Sanctions will be issued if the footage is deemed as clear evidence of skulduggery. Derrylaughan will have to play their home games in Strabane or Aughabrack.”

said Croke Park Disciplinarian Chairperson Joe McNally.

GAA To Work On Dublin Vaccine

By Clamped Candy.

PRESS RELEASE:

Top GAA experts are working on a vaccine to stop a worrying new strain of the Dublin virus. This seasonal plague, which takes many victims every year, has arrived later than normal with some notable new mutations, making it stronger and more adaptable.

It was hoped that contact with earlier forms of the phenomenon might provide some natural defence. But antibodies detected in Kerry and Donegal some years ago have long since dissipated. Symptoms of the new strain vary but often begin with a sudden shock to the system, followed by an apparent slow recovery, only to go down hill again as the remorseless nature of the variant sets in.

Social distancing does not appear to work. In fact it only seems to make its effects worse. Testing is in the early stages but initial reports suggest vaccine will not provide immunity though it may mitigate the results. The process apparently involves splitting the virus into several constituent parts.

If approved, the vaccine will be rolled out to the most vulnerable first which means all of Leinster will be the first to receive it. But some people believe the virus’s strength is being exaggerated, recalling an equally virulent version in the late ’70s and early ’80s which arrived from Kerry and disappeared of its own accord around 1987.

They claim that the panic is worse than the disease. And that it’s being spread by anti ‘Jacksers’. Pundits will also receive inoculation, with Colm O’Rourke and Pat Spillane on the list, dependent on who is the biggest dose. Sorry, dependent on who needs the biggest dose.

Priests Told To Make Mass ‘Sexy’ To Keep Numbers Watching High Online

Inter-parish rivalry has reached fever-point after it emerged that numbers watching Masses with a bit of pizzazz were dominating those delivering traditional ceremonies online.

Worshippers have been flocking in their droves on the Internet to parishes with good looking priests who put on nice quick masses interspersed with some modern music and raunchy TikTok dancing from readers and sacristans.

Derryloran, Lissan and Tamlaght parishes have seen numbers tally through the roof as mass-watchers jump ship from neighbouring parishes due to mundane and traditional services.

Fr Campbell, who was asked by his bosses to ‘up his game’, ranted:

“TRAITORS! That’s what I think of my congregation who haven’t logged on once to me but are spotted watching the parish up the road. I have all their IP addresses logged and believe you me, the next time they come looking absolution in confessions they’ll be on their knees a long time. B*s*ards!”

Meanwhile, Vatican officials have asked some parishes to tone down the erotic TikTok dancing during hymn singing as it may see conversions to other denominations from older followers who are dismayed at all the sudden flesh on show.

Assembly Debated Locking Down Catholics or Protestants or Atheists

Swann, keeping an eye on the taigs

The details of Tuesday night’s midnight Assembly debate between parties at Stormont indicated that locking down Catholics was almost passed as official legislation until Sammy Wilson sneezed during a water cooler break.

The guttural nature of the Irish language coupled with jumping about doing Irish dancing and tin whistle playing provided strong arguments that Catholics were potential super-spreaders of the virus up until the moment Wilson sneezed whilst eating a Wispa washed down with a tin of Lilt.

Protestants were ruled out early on in the debate as the majority of lambeg drummers kept their mouths shut due to the strain of the drum and the Ulster Scots dialect lent itself to a narrower mouth movement.

Atheists were, at the 11th hour, about to take the hit as lockdowners only for a late phonecall from an anonymous loyalist paramilitary group who claimed they’d be obliterated for four weeks if this went ahead.

Sammy’s sneeze threw everything back into the melting pot again but, with Foster faced with the daunting trip back to Fermanagh at that time of the night, they decided to lockdown the whole lot but will be keeping a close eye on the Catholics.

Tyrone Crest Buffering Screen On Tyronegaa Live Matches Hypnotising Gaels Into Buy Merchandise, Claims Man

A psychologist from Brackaville maintains he bought three jerseys from O’Neills website straight after he purchased an online game on tyronegaa for £5 which buffered for 38 minutes in total.

Other pundits have also admitted to being similarly transfixed by the buffering screen which features the Tyrone crest and a small swirly ball which moves in a clockwise direction for up to seven solid minutes at a time. Many racked up 100s of pounds buying merchandise straight after games and not remembering doing it.

Pat Gillis, who used to bend spoons with his mind in the 80s, claims there may be a hypnotic algorithm at work here:

“One minute you’re tearing your hair out and calling tyronegaa all the bollockses of the day as you miss three scores and a sending off because of the buffering and staring at that wee ball and the crest, the next you’re feeling the need to buy 20 Tyrone face masks from O’Neills. All of a sudden £5 turns into £120.”

Tyronegaa have denied no such hypnotic approach to the streaming of live games but did admit they had a new head of merchandise PR who has proposed setting up 5G masts in the county for better streaming services.

Meanwhile, supporters have been told to stop f**kin and blinding on live matches as many children have been heard cursing straight after games in homes.

Tyrone GAA To Hire Snipers To Nick Spectators Illegally Watching Games Behind Hedges

Tyrone GAA today issued a plea for any good snipers to turn up at Garvaghey tonight for a briefing on this weekend’s matches which are barred to the viewing public.

Current guidelines state that only players and officials are allowed to attend club games but with a sudden increase in hedge-cutting around the perimeter of pitches, the county board are suspicious that many may show up pretending to walk dogs and stuff.

Board member Barry De Burgh explained:

We’ve seen a marked increase in gardening and hedge-cutting around pitches this week. Coupled with ramparts being rid of brackens and ferns, we are sure that some members are planning to attend games on the pretense of being out for a walk. They’ll soon move on that when they feel the whizz going past an ear lobe.

Snipers have been asked to graze onlookers who stay over ten minutes in one particular spot.

In other news, subs on teams have been asked to not take it personally if they’re told to stay at home. In order to comply with guidelines, shite players will be text an hour before throw-in to stay at home and follow the game on Twitter.

GAA Will Pipe Referee Abuse Into Stadiums With No Supporters

00028f48-500This morning GAA authorities have confirmed that they will liven up behind-closed-doors GAA games by playing recorded abuse towards the referee from the crowd in order to create a better spectacle for the TV. 

A meeting was held this morning to identify the most common insults and the committee settled on many favourites which will create a sense of nostalgia for supporters sitting at home. They include:

‘You’re a cheating lousy bastard’, ‘Useless C**t’, ‘what do you expect from a (insert county/club here) bollocks’, ‘He’ll give us nothing the hoor!’ ‘Are your eyes painted on?’ ‘You’re a f**king wanker!’ ‘You forget your cards ye dick?’ ‘you’re a disgrace (insert surname here), just be fair!’

as well as other favourites. Referees have also been asked to add to the list if they can recall some from their own experiences.

The committee has also added some player abuse such as ‘if it was a fish supper you’d catch it’ but didn’t want to create offence by using too many.

Meanwhile, Croke Park officials are also considering asking TV spectators to pay a fiver to watch the games on the TV as well as uploading pictures of themselves onto social media sites eating ham sandwiches and opening flasks of tea whilst sitting in makeshift boots in their living rooms.

TERRIBLY TRACED TYRONE – Volume 1 – Owen Mulligan

owen mulligan

Mattie Donnelly To Jog To Barnard Castle To Test Leg Before Resuming Football

trillIt has emerged that, pending clearance from Stormont, Mattie Donnelly will resume his inter-county career after a serious injury but only after making a near 600-mile round jog to Barnard Castle to test the left leg out. 

Donnelly will embark on the light training jog from the Trillick Post Office tomorrow morning and is hoping he can catch a lift on a fishing boat or something across the Irish Sea, even taking in the scenic route of the Isle of Man if he has time on his hands by the time he reaches Belfast.

Donnelly, who has never been to the castle before or even to County Durham, has been warned not to bring back sticks of rock from his trip as it could mess up the county squad’s diet just before the resumption of football in the country.

Although Mickey Harte initially preferred the idea of a short training run to Tempo in Fermanagh, recent events convinced the Ballygawley manager of the healing properties of the 900 year old castle in England.

Mattie will be accompanied by team mates for part of the way (up to Fintona) and will be listening to his favourite band B*witched for the majority of the run.

GAA May Use Data To Predict All Ireland Winners

Market analysis

By Landan Seamy

Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects the GAA is planning to follow the example of the exam boards and use data to predict the winner of this year’s All Ireland. 

Sean says he found some spreadsheets on his wife’s laptop with loads of data that is almost definitely going to be used to predict things.

“I’ve studied them” he told us, “and things were looking good for Tyrone in the first draft. Not only were they predicted to be in the top two, but it was even looking like Sam would head north again. Then a second version added a disciplinary column which showed that Tyrone was predicted to have at least 17 black cards and that damaged us a bit”.

Nevertheless, this version still suggested Tyrone would meet Kerry in the semi-final again and considering Tyrone beat Dublin earlier in the year, whilst Kerry only managed a draw, it looked like Tyrone was going through.

However, a third version of the spreadsheet added an additional referee column which predicted that Maurice Deegan would referee the semi-final and that added a few points to the Kerry score. So the spreadsheet shows Kerry and Dublin in the final and the only thing to be decided is whether or not David Gough will get to referee it.

Asked whether something similar was going to happen to the hurling championship, Sean’s wife Kate who hates hurling, and who asked to remain anonymous, butted in to say it’s unlikely. “Hurling” she mused “is just all about whacking a ball as hard as you can and then giving the other team a go. There are no tactics so you just might as well just toss a coin”.

As a spy, Sean usually likes to remain tight-lipped but on this occasion he has opted to come out, to warn managers across the country to get together and agree to play behind closed doors if need be. “We cannot allow this coronavirus to be used as an excuse to kill gaelic football” he insisted. “Hear hear” said his wife.

However, not everyone is happy with the prospect of playing this year. Killyclogher’s Tiernan McCann is one among many. According to Tiernan, “Times like these helps you to get things in perspective. There is no way I’m willing to risk playing a football match until the hairdressers reopen”. When informed that Kieran McGeeney is happy to let Armagh play, Tiernan pointed out that It’s not comparing like with like. The Armagh team know they’ll be knocked out long before they reach the televised stages”.

Mickey Harte launched a broadside on hearing of this rebellion in the Tyrone camp and has warned his boys that there are men waiting in the wings who are willing to play whether the hairdressers reopen or not. There is Peter Canavan and Ryan McMenamin and the entire Tattyreagh team.

We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?

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Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY

“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY

“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE

“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.”                          K LUNDY, COALISLAND

“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.”                 O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN

“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY

“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there”     M CUSH, DONAGHMORE

“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON

“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.”  J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG

“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE

“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND

“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.”  M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE

“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND

“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK

“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK

Terror In Tyrone To Continue As Windmill GAC Likely To Reform In 2021

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Most feared sight in Ireland

Clubs up and down the county are currently coming to terms with news that, when life returns to some form of normality, Windmill GAC may be playing Junior football in 2021 and may have already started training.

Although O’Neills have refused to confirm or deny their involvement, jerseys sporting the feared Windmill logo and design have already been spotted in and around Coagh and further afield. Uruguay, who based their aggressive 1950s style on Windmill after one of their players married a girl from Drummullan, is apparently awash with Windmill jerseys and its population is said to be beside themselves with excitement at the news.

In a statement read by hooded men this morning over Skype, reasons for their return were spelt out in a clear and concise manner:

“Football has gone soft. We, at the Windmill, cannot sit back and watch men dive and wave imaginary black cards any more. The only cards we dealt in were Mass Cards before a game, as a warning. Also, there has been serious breeding going on recently in families with the Windmill in their blood. O’Neills, Grahams, Martins, Devlins, Quinns and Herons. All mobilised. All raring to give lads a good reason to dive.”

The Windmill people haven’t seen any football in the area since their infamous friendly with Moortown in 1988 which saw a 130 man and woman brawl which lasted over two days down at the Wee Line.

Referees have today asked for better protective clothing for 2021. Mickey Harte is also considering not picking any Junior League players next year just in case.

Tyrone/Dublin Fight In Tunnel Was Over Immersion Heater

51nggxllrYL._SL1200_Sources from within the Dublin camp have confirmed that the half time brawl between themselves and Tyrone was down to Tyrone turning off the immersion heater during the first half, leaving cold Dublin players without their half time shower. 

The immersion switch, which is located at the end of the tunnel, was turned on by the Dublin management just before throw-in, in preparation for their half time warming session which is the norm at Croke Park.

It emerged that the switch was mischievously turned off by a Tyrone backroom member during an important play on the field. Dublin masseuse Brenda Pollan explained:

“Big Fenton went mad. He loves his warm showers and as soon as he saw the light was off he started swinging. I’ve never seen him so animated. They even wash their balls and all. Think the Tyrone boys didn’t know what the fight was about but threw digs anyway. Dark arts are still alive in Tyrone.”

Tyrone GAA have yet to respond but are known to be very careful about the immersion being on and prefer players to defrost by jumping up and down doing star jumps, as well as the heads, shoulder, knees and toes children’s dance.

Poor Quality Of Australian Cabbage And Bacon Crucial To McShane Decision

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Ten days of sub-standard cabbage and bacon was reportedly the final straw for Cathal McShane after it was confirmed he will stay in Tyrone for 2020 instead of Adelaide.

Preferring the bleak and miserable setting of Leckpatrick, McShane was said to be dismayed at the presentation and texture of his favourite meal of champ, three sausages, brown sauce and a bacon and cabbage combo which he has eaten every day since he was 7.

Close friend and confidante Kieran ‘Tootsie’ Bagule revealed that this was only the tip of the iceberg:

There was no Emmerdale either or nothing. Corned beef sandwiches were also almost impossible to locate in Adelaide. And the tea was shite.

He also confirmed that McShane was asked to sing an initiation song at his first training session. The fact that no one knew who Garth Brooks was after he belted out ‘Friends In Low Places’ confirmed his decision to leave.

Rumours that his Adelaide Crows teammates complained of having to wear sunglasses during meetings, due to his bright white skin colour, were said to be exaggerated.

Paddy Heaney Back At Irish News After Drop In Housewife Readership

Paddy Heaney_ Jarlath Burns 15092008_001_-800After a recent survey confirmed that housewives were turning away from reading the Irish News in favour of Loose Women on TV and Stephen Nolan on the wireless, the newspaper giant have reportedly offered former columnist Paddy Heaney a blank cheque to write again in order to regain lost female readership.

Middle-aged Heaney, who took time off from the writing in a bid to become World’s Strongest Man before becoming embroiled in a multi-million dollar lawsuit with several bread-making establishments after he told people to stop eating bread, was pictured today in a deliberately provocative pose in the Irish News.

An Irish News insider added:

“Yes it’s all true. Heaney is back and, going by the swooning in the queue outside the Spar in Draperstown this morning, so are the women. It just made total sense. The fact that he’s now all toned up after a few years of pumping iron makes him an even more attractive product.

Tensions in the Irish News sports department were said to be palpable, with rival journalists Archer, Crossan and O’Kane all spotted wearing gym gear over the weekend, and the latter having reportedly spent over £12 on hair products in Boots yesterday in Antrim town after the game in Glenavy.

Extra New Secret Rules For Gaelic Football Should ‘Spice Up The Game’

899334In addition to a series of new easy-to-understand rules already being implemented for the start of the league, the GAA authorities have managed to slip in a plethora of surprise changes which should ‘spice up the game’, according to Playing Rules Committee PR Tam O’Rourke. 

One of the most controversial changes is the rule that “if you catch the ball left-handed between the midfield and the 45m of the opposition’s half, and land on both feet simultaneously or within 0.05 seconds of each other, facing away from your own goals, whilst raising three fingers on your right hand, you will be awarded a free kick from a 45 degree angle to your nearest opponent as long as that opponent is also either airborne or looking towards the sky with both eyes, and that the ball was kicked towards the recipient with conviction”.

O’Rourke explained:

“This should re-ignite out love for the the lost art of one-handed catches and stop Ulster players passing the ball around and keeping it and all. In terms of kicking the ball with conviction, a look into the eyes of the kicker of the ball, as he kicks it, should be enough to ascertain his intentions. It’s spicy. It’ll spice it up.”

Additionally, anyone sin-binned can only speak in Irish to team mates whilst in the bin. For the first time in high level sports, a bin will actually be used for black card recipients with rumours that it’ll be a green recycling one to help the environment.

Another rule which should be easily implemented is that only players under 15 stone are allowed to take sideline kicks.

Already, seven inter-county referees have begun seeking counselling even before a ball has been kicked.

Belgians Finally Admit Brussels Sprouts Were A Joke

sauteed-brussels-sprouts-horizontal-1533853300After 500 years of pretending to like them, the Belgian nation have finally admitted that Brussels Sprouts were all a big joke and that they were tired of it now. 

The sprouts, whose distinctive taste has been described as something you’d likely to experience if you licked a toilet bowl, have been a staple feature of Irish dinner tables since the early 1900s despite pleas from children not to ruin the day.

Belgian minister Henry Poirot admitted today that enough was enough and that it was time to wise up:

“I think the joke had worn thin at the turn of the century but we let it run what with the recession and all and the need for light relief. But with Brexit on the horizon, we feel it’s time to let you all know that we were only codding. We hate them.”

Over 19 million sprouts were bought in Tyrone just last week with fights breaking out all over the county’s supermarkets with children refusing to accept another year of sprout eating hours after their happiest morning of the year.

Meanwhile, Santas across the county have been accused of forsaking the spirit of Christmas after charging up to £100 a go for children to sit on their lap to get a selection box and a pile of crayons.

Francie Molloy’s Seat Stolen Overnight By Old Singing Man In Digger

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Francie’s seat

Despite comfortably holding his seat in Mid Ulster again today, Sinn Fein’s Francie Molloy had to stand all day after someone in a JCB stole his seat from his offices in Gulladuff at around 5am this morning. 

Molloy, who turns 69 next week, was said to be ‘a bit sore’ after refusing to sit until his chair is returned.

Witnesses in the area claim to have spotted an man in his 70s driving a digger around the area for three hours after the election vote closed, singing hymns and psalms to a high standard.

A Sinn Fein spokeman added:

This is petty. Francie has had that seat for years and it is well worn in the shape of himself. To steal his seat on the day he retained his seat is spiteful. All Francie wants to do is sit down on the seat and get to work.”

This is the fourth attempt and first successful mission to steal Molloy’s seat. All three previous attempts were foiled when the assailant’s version of ‘How Great Thou Art’ from a moving digger alerted the police.

Sinn Fein have offered a reward for any information on the theft up to the value of £25m in notes.

Listening To Nathan Carter Makes Cows Produce Better Milk Says Scientists

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Cow enjoying Carter

Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk. 

Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.

Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:

“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.

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