Category Archives: GAA

Tyrone 2008. Where Are They Now? Part 2.

2018-08-30_spo_43667415_I1

The second part of our investigation leads us to numbers 10-15 plus the stiffs. 

10. Brian Dooher

Our captain retired a couple of years later after operations to replace both legs, arms and lungs. Dooher soon worked his way up the veterinary scene and made the front page of TIME magazine in 2013 after he became the first person to clone a cow. Unfortunately the cloned animal soon got out of control in West Tyrone, wrecking property and killing over 200 cows elsewhere. Brian is currently on the run from authorities as well as over 30 irked farmers.

11. Martin Penrose

Penrose continued to play minor football right into his mid-30s before an application form for a passport revealed his real age. Penrose went on to star in many sci-fi films including Star Trek and Game of Thrones before returning to Carrickmore to open a gluten-free vegetable shop in the village.

12. Joe McMahon

Joe’s performance in the final of 2008 garnered rave reviews as did the magnificent state of his beard. McMahon’s beard soon became big in demand on TV chat shows and advertising. Despite a £3m offer from Gillette, Joe refused to allow his beard to become the face of the international brand, leading to acrimony between the Omagh man and his facial hair. McMahon won the fight by shaving the beard off against its will but lost the war as women stopped flocking around him in their droves.

13. Tommy McGuigan

Despite a wonderful 2008, Tommy headed back to Ardboe after the game and decided to become a hermit, shunning the celebrations. 10 years of solitude later, McGuigan can sometimes be seen roving the lough shore with a guitar singing songs of lost love and reading poems into himself.

14. Sean Cavanagh

Only recently retired from the county scene, novelist Sean Cavanagh continues to play for his club and enjoys the hurly-burly of the local championship.

15. Colm McCullagh

Despite having to go off early in the final, McCullagh earned his stripes that year after several sterling performances. McCullagh unfortunately became addicted to the Rocky movies post-retirement and in particular Rocky 4. Changing his name to Ivan Drago, Colm can be seen in bare-knuckle fights in fields around Dromore

SUBS:

Stephen O’Neill: O’Neill was last spotted in Croke Park a few weeks ago shaking his head

Kevin Hughes: Hub scored the penultimate point that day and went on to write several books on the score. Hughes almost picked up an All-Ireland for Derrytresk a few years later, playing as a ringer under the false name Ronie O’Neill.

Brian McGuigan: Brian came on late that day after a bad bout of diarrhea from a feed of eels for breakfast that morning which left him weak. McGuigan, ironically, now runs an eel-skin clothing shop in Moortown.

Owen Mulligan: Another late sub, Mulligan moved to London soon after to forge a career as a Tory politician only to be kicked out of the party due to an incident involving suspenders and a then-unknown Teresa May

Colm Cavanagh: Colm continues to ply his trade for the county despite carrying half a team on his shoulders.

 

Advertisements

Tyrone 2008 – Where Are They Now? Part 1

o-se-captain

10 years ago to the day, Brian Dooher staggered up the steps in Croke Park to lift his second Sam Maguire as captain and Tyrone’s third in all. 

Today and tomorrow we ask….Where Are They Now?

PART 1

  1. Pascal McConnell

McConnell found life hard away from the lights and razzamatazz of inter-county football. After three years of touring Europe in a camper van, McConnell finally found happiness after enrolling with American wrestling organisation WWE, becoming the Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion as ‘Newtownstewart Nuke Man‘ with his signature poke-in-the-eye move on a beaten Undertaker in Miami in 2014 securing the title.

2. Ryan McMenamin

Ricey turned to God soon after retiring, preaching around the States at the same time as McConnell was decking superstars on the canvas. Ryan finally joined an extreme monastery in Kentucky and after shaving his body hair, took a vow of silence for 3 years. McMenamin returned home in 2017 to become spiritual advisor to the Fermanagh senior team and prays 21 hours a day.

3. Justin McMahon

The Omagh man filled the void of football by becoming a catwalk model for Wrangler Jeans in Soho’s famous Fashion Mile. Justin came into a spot of bother after a bust up with another male model from Essex and is currently doing community service around London teaching school kids how to psychologically crush component in high stakes games.

4. Ryan Mellon

The Moy man, who often glory-hunted in All Ireland Finals, opened a pig-renting shop in Benburb in 2011 for those wanting the animal as a fashion accessory. Getting the idea from a Japanese programme he saw on Sky channel 177, Mellon bought 400 pigs. After renting out only 3 in the first year, Ryan finally opened a butchers.

5. Davy Harte

Harte continued to play football until recently when he scored an own-point after a 55m run through his own defence, leaving supporters worried. The Nephew now advises cat-owners on feline etiquette and behaviour, having kept over 2000 cats in his cat orphanage off the Omagh Road.

6. Conor Gormley

In 2013, a frustrated Gormley started up ‘Pub Bouncers Ltd’, supplying self-trained bouncers to the most notorious pubs in the county. After a successful three years, Conor moved underground and now terrorises street gangs in the Carrickmore and Galbally area on his own, often using his infamous staring technique.

7. Philip Jordan

Jordan now resides in an old people’s home after undergoing his 29th hip operation in under 3 years. Philip, god help him, spends his days telling eye-rolling nurses about his heroic feats on the field and in the RTE studios but has recurring nightmares about being attacked by an angry group of orange-vested men from Lurgan.

8. Collie Holmes

Holmes retired soon after, becoming a private detective in the greater-Armagh area with his trusty sidekick Johnny Watson from Blackwatertown. Despite not solving any crimes, Holmes continues to pursue his latest mission, finding out why Armagh only won the one All Ireland.

9. Enda McGinley

The silver-tongued McGinley never really recovered from his concussion in 2003 and sporadically slips into thinking he’s Graham Norton by appearing on TV and radio three times a week. Enda, who played the remainder of the ’03 final thinking he was an extra in Knight Rider, claims he’s presenting the Eurovision in 2019.

PART 2 TOMORROW

 

 

Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

via Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

10 Reasons Why We’ll Beat Dublin

F1785-500x500-500x500

Mickey has never lost an All-Ireland Senior Final. He has never lost a Champions’ League, World Snooker or Wimbledon Women’s final either.

Ross Kemp. Kemp is Tyrone’s worst kept secret, this week blatantly seen running from the Ballygawley roundabout to Garvaghey 4 times a day all week. Kemp to patrol the square, allowing Colm to work his magic feet at the right end of the field. Ross is also a big fan of Aidan McCrory and was reportedly star-struck when McCrory introduced himself by bench-pressing for an hour without blinking.

Niall Morgan’s free taking. Now hold on. Before you start being all smarmy and critical about Niall’s free taking percentage converted this year, if he is up there on the Dublin 45 taking a free, that means the Edendork man isn’t back there staring at Kevin McMenamin thundering towards him or facing down a penalty kick, so: Go Niall Go! Morgan also won the snowball at the Edendork Hall bingo last week and bought massive gloves with the takings.

Hugh O’Neill predicted this in 1598. Yes 420 years ago, on a wall in the toilets of a drinking establisment in Dungannon, an 48-year-old Hugh wrote ‘Empires will fall with Skeet on the ball’. It was in very bad English though as he was plastered on mead.

We’re not Mayo

Ulster already said No to 3 in a row. Yes, back in 2008, Ulster said no to Kerry’s 3-in-a-row bid. You may remember the big banner on hill 16, from some of our legendary fans. Although the Dubs are going for 4, our stats man tells us it’s just one more than 3. Now we take it a step further, preparing to ruin the takings at the door at Coppers, and help Sally’s of Omagh, Gervin’s in Coalisland, and Tomney’s in the Moy rake in the ca$h instead.

60% of cars in Tyrone are red and 94% of white lines in Tyrone are white. What better to prove a point than good old hard statistics. Yes, over 60% of all vehicles in the Red Hand County are red (this figure estimated to rise to 70% this week) and almost all the white lines in Tyrone are white, except for the ones that have faded so much they are now invisible.

Mickey slipped the Pope a £10er on Sunday. If you re-watch the Phoenix Park mass from Sunday, and pause it at 36:05, you’ll see the wee red and white Tyrone Fabrications cap, and two crisp new £5 notes getting slipped to a winking Pope Franko. Francis also apparently has big hopes of Tiernan McCann entering the priesthood.

Colm Cavanagh is now the last on-field link to 08. Given Cathal McCarron is not able to play this Sunday, Big Colly is now the final playing link to the winning team of 2008. He is also Tyrone’s last scorer in an All Ireland final although nearly everyone missed it. He also has a brother who reportedly played well that day. And Cavanagh sounds like Canavan. Too coincidental. By the way Cavanagh got his nickname ‘Colly’ from his love of cauliflower dinners in Moy Primary School since he was 7.

There are two Coalisland men on the starting team. Even Nostradamus said this was a long-shot.

 

RTE To Use Stunt Doubles And Ex-Players For Banquet If Tyrone Victorious

 

GAA-Philip-Jordan--612x660 copy

Jordan as Peter Harte

Secret footage has emerged from RTE headquarters in Dublin indicating that the national broadcaster will use lookalikes for the banquet dinner should Tyrone pull off the almost impossible and stop Dublin from winning four-in-a-row. 

 

The dry-run, which saw Sean Cavanagh imitating his brother and Philip Jordan donning a red wig to mirror Petey Harte on the night, will allow RTE to keep to the tradition of Michael Lyster interviewing half-lit players around 10pm.

An RTE insider admitted that some of the lookalikes stretch the imagination a bit:

“We sorta ran out of volunteers so Ciaran Whelan is pretending to be Mark Bradley by walking on his knees just. Colm O’Rourke will use his advanced years to imitate the ageing veteran Cathal McCarron and Pat Spillane has agreed to copy Conall McCann by wearing a beehive. “

RTE’s initial idea of filming the banquet through a window of the hotel was shelved after a cameraman suggested that the Tyrone ones might just pull the curtains together.

Meanwhile questions have been raised as to why Sunday’s referee has already booked his seat at the Dublin banquet. When asked, a spokesman for the Refereeing Committee laughed and said ‘come on now, do we have to explain that?’

Pope Francis To Risk Garth Brooks’ Ire By Singing Three Of His Hit Songs At Croke

garth-brooks_09-23-14_20_5421b6785af64 copyIn a blatant two fingers at the international country and western singer Garth Brooks, Pope Francis is expected to churn out renditions of The Dance, If Tomorrow Never Comes and Friends In Low Places during his appearance at Croke Park this Saturday. 

Brooks, who famously refused to sing at the GAA headquarters in 2014 because of booking issues, is reportedly primed to sue the Vatican for copyright if the Pontiff goes ahead with his proposed gig at the weekend.

This latest incident further deepens the rift between the Holy Father and the King of Country and Western after the Holy See issued a warning 4 years ago to the American.

Sister Julie Graham from county Antrim, a fan of both men, admitted it’s a dream come true if Francis begins his speech with the lines: “Blame it all on my roots/I showed up in boots /And ruined your black tie affair”

“People wonder what heaven looks like. Well, if the Holy Father ‘slips on down to the oasis’ during his time at Croke then that’s paradise right there. It would be pure deadly.”

Insiders maintain that Francis may avoid court proceedings by changing certain titles to the likes of  ‘Friends In High Places’ and the like.

Dublin Foiled In Attempt To Widen Pitch Out Onto Jones’ Road

Croke_ParkJim Gavin was allegedly witnessed ‘running around the corner’ after GAA officials foiled an attempt by the Dublin management to get the Croke Park field widened out onto Jones’ Road in an apparent ruse to outfox Tyrone.

After Tyrone reportedly shortened the field in the last game between the two in Omagh last month, Gavin and Jason Sherlock were witnessed directing and shouting at a groundsman to paint a line right up the middle of Jones’ Road, almost on the doorstep of The Croke Park Hotel, shortly after midnight last night whilst wearing blue mining hats with strong torches on them.

The ambitious tactic, which would have also meant the moving of the Hogan stand back 200 yards using strong diggers, would have resulted in the width of the Croke Park pitch being almost trebled, allowing players such as Kilkenny and Fenton to stretch Tyrone like no team has ever been able to manage before.

A Dublin GAA spokesman denied the ploy was thwarted by a GAA official:

“That’s hypothetical nonsense. Gavin and Sherlock were just making sure the groundsman could paint in the straight line whilst tired, such is their dedication to every detail. The diggers were also just there by pure accident.”

Tyrone and Dublin officials will attend this week’s visit to Croke Park by the Pope, in plain clothes, to make sure no other skulduggery occurs to the ground under the nose of the Pontiff.

Dublin Deny 4-In-A-Row T-Shirts Have Already Been Printed Despite Sightings In Niteclub

titleA fringe Dublin player has apparently been axed from the panel after he was seen dancing wildly to an 80s song in a well-known drinking establishment, wearing an official “4-in-a-row, even more dough” t-shirt soon after Dublin’s final opponents were revealed. 

The player, who admitted he got dressed too excitedly after the Monaghan/Tyrone semi-final in order to get to the niteclub before anyone else, has also been told to hand back his car and personalised dinner plates within seven days.

Clubber and Dublin player groupie Martha McCrystal revealed she was a bit surprised to see the t-shirt out so early:

I was bopping away and then spotted the player dancing clean mad to a Michael Jackson remix song and him wearing the 4-in-a-row garb. He even was kicking mock points and goals during his dance routine and shouting something about ‘strive for five’ whilst winking, suggesting he’s thinking about next year already, the craytur.

Dublin GAA have refused to comment on the incident although one member told us off the record that there is an embargo on the t-shirts until the final whistle on September 2nd which must be strictly adhered to.

Meanwhile a hypnotist, who was brought into the Tyrone training session yesterday in order to convince them that Dublin were not that great, was seen leaving the complex five minutes after arriving. Sources revealed he mistakenly convinced Gavin Devlin into thinking he was the actual manager, resulting in Devlin phoning club-mate Kyle Coney and making him captain for the final.

Tyrone’s Bench To Start Semi Final

1462167825722After glowing praise in the aftermath of Tyrone’s victory over Donegal in Ballybofey, in an unprecedented move Mickey Harte is set to name ‘The Bench’ top of the left for Sunday’s semi-final against Monaghan. 

The bench, which was made by Gavin Devlin in 1997 for his GCSE Woodwork coursework in school, has also moved up the rankings in this year’s All-Stars awards betting table.

Devlin’s technology teacher at that time, Mr Talbot, admitted he wasn’t surprised to see the bench scoring 2-5 at the weekend:

“Devlin spent months making that bench and could often be seen polishing away at it well after the last bell had sounded in school. Although he only received a grade B for it because it warped a bit in the middle, it was a fine achievement for young Gavin as he was at that time gallivanting around Cookstown at the weekends.”

Although the bench has yet to be affiliated to any club, the Killyclogher hurling committee have agreed to take the bench under their wings and register it for their senior side.

Meanwhile, some current starters are reported to be slightly annoyed at the wave of praise the bench has received in the aftermath of recent performances.

Several supporters informed security that two players, one from Clonoe and one from Trillick, were seen giving the bench a ‘good kicking’ whilst everyone else celebrated on the field at the final whistle. Tyrone officials are looking into it.

‘Wee Fairies’ May Have Told Omagh Officials To Narrow Pitch. Ref Also A Suspect.

DPavnB-WsAAe657 copyAfter denials from Sky TV and Mickey Harte from having any influence over the narrowing of Healy Park for the clash between Dublin and Tyrone on Saturday night, the spotlight has now been shone on ‘wee fairies from the Plumbridge direction’ as well as the referee David Coldrick.

Omagh groundsman Patrick Hanlan revealed he received a visitor to his door on Friday night around midnight but couldn’t make it out because of the darkness as well as the visitor wearing a cloak:

“All the person said was ‘Ye may narrow that pitch’. I thought it was a sort of a threat but hadn’t a clue who it was. It could have been Harte, a Sky rep or even the referee Coldrick but the more I think about it, they had a Plumbridge accent and looked very small under the cloak. It may have been a fairy from the Plum or Cranagh direction.”

Referee David Coldrick has also come under suspicion as it has been explained that a narrower pitch leaves it easier to keep up with the play, though he may have underestimated the distance he’d need to take it in by.

Meanwhile, rumours emanating from Ballybofey suggest that Donegal officials have set about narrowing the Tyrone changing rooms, making it awkward for players to get changed with dignity.

Tyrone Officials To Pump Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Non-Stop Into Dublin Changing Rooms

2015-12-09_lif_15272939_I2.JPGAs part of the Healy Park ‘Welcome To Hell‘ initiative, it has emerged that Tyrone GAA technicians have wired the away changing rooms in Omagh, which will be used by Dublin on Saturday, so that they hear Nathan Carter wall-to-wall at full volume before the game and at half time. 

The Welcome To Hell programme of events will also see computer-generated images of a smiling Ryan McMenamin and snarling Conor Gormley appearing on the nets behind the goalposts during scorable free kicks for the Dublin side.

Red Hand official Gerry North admitted that every possible option to disrupt the Dubs is on the table this weekend, including roadblocks on the way and giving out the words of disparaging songs about Molly Malone to the Tyrone followers on the day.

“I know for a fact that the Dublin team hate country music and are more into their modern stuff on earphones. Well, earphones will be no use to them when Wagon Wheel is pumped out at maximum volume into their changing rooms from 2 hours before the game. We might change it to Blanket on the Ground at half time, we’ll see.”

The Welcome To Hell itinerary is also purported to include a fly-over small plane with the words ‘Hugo Says No To 4-In-A-Row‘ on a banner behind it, though Duncan’s fee is said to require selling off part of the Garvaghey Complex.

‘No Deal Brexit’ Will See Lough Neagh Fishermen Shining Torches At Land To Give Some Light At Night

imagesLough Neagh’s fishermen and women are on the cusp of becoming millionaires after a leaked UK government document revealed plans to pay them to shine wind-up torches at land from the Lough.

A no-deal Brexit could see energy providers in Ireland cutting off power to the north of the country, leaving counties in darkness at night. As well as giving eel-fishermen thousands of pounds per week to shine lights, the document will also urge people to shower and wash during the day in waterfalls and rivers and to learn how to build fires again to make tea and cook sausages.

Additionally, car owners are to be encouraged to fill their motors to the max with petrol or diesel so they can shine their lights at discos or late-night football games or Mass.

Owen Coyle, a fishing entrepreneur from Ballinderry, excitedly revealed:

“This is class. If reports are true I can earn up to £1.3m a year if I have three torches shining from my three boats and they even give you money for the batteries if you don’t have the wind up torches. I’ve already bought a caravan in Bundoran off the back of it.”

Meanwhile, government officials have warned people that only already-registered fishermen and women will be considered after over 600 turned up at the Fishers’ registry office yesterday in Dungannon with rods and bait, wearing waders and caps.

Horse Devlin To Wear Waistcoat At Croke On Saturday

 

192617486-ec514a1c-b9a0-4ba0-97c7-0e6f721ab249 copy

Artist’s impression

In order to gain any advantage over Roscommon, Tyrone have upped the ante by kitting out Gavin Devlin in a ‘Navy Slim Fit Wool Waistcoat’ from M&S with matching hanky and pocket watch so he can stylishly keep the time on Saturday on the sideline. 

 

Although funded by an anonymous source, the £399 gear has come in for criticism from all over the county, including in his native Ardboe. Plumber and part-time magician Kieran Forbes admitted:

“No one from Ardboe has ever worn a waistcoat since the dawn of humanity and why Horse is starting now I don’t know. Well, I do know but he won’t admit it.”

Devlin has denied any suggestions that he is borrowing his idea for match-day attire from the current England manager Gareth Southgate:

“No, not at all. My motto is look good, manage good. I made that up yesterday and I’ve stuck to it ever since. “

Devlin will complete his dress-wear with a pair of Simon Suede Horsebit Buckle Loafers which were reduced from £180 to £145 in Dungannon, with no socks.

England To Parade Cup Through Cookstown On Way Home If They Win, Like Derry In ’93

Cookstown copyA leaked itinerary of homecoming parades if England win the World Cup has revealed that one of their first stops on the way home from Russia will be the Main Street in Cookstown.

25 years after Derry pulled the same stunt without warning after winning the All-Ireland, dentists are worried about a repeat of 1993 after they were pushed to breaking point with so many gritted teeth injuries.

Cookstown Head of Festivities Joshua Sheehy admitted they weren’t surprised at the news:

“England would be well aware of what Derry did in 1993 in Cookstown and how it mentally affected Tyronies for decades. Squints, broken teeth and a rise in cursing have been the classic side-effects to this day from seeing Brolly and Tohill blow kisses to Cookstown ones. For England to parade up the street will finish many off for good.”

The document also revealed that, if successful, the England bus will stop off at the Maxol station beside the Cohannon Inn after the Cookstown parade and will probably order cowboy suppers from PG Chips  although Harry Kane just wants a sausage supper as the beans gives him wind.

Meanwhile, Omagh officials are considering erecting a big screen at Healy Park if the visit of Dublin coincides with the World Cup final if England make it. The screen will not show the game but simply be used to warn spectators not to turn on the radio or TV if Southgate’s men win, for three months.

 

DUP’s Arlene Foster Allegedly Been ‘Swearing Like A Sailor’ Since Attending Fermanagh Match

stream_img

Is that Ricey there?

Friends of the DUP leader Arlene Foster are said to be worried about her suitability for live TV since she attended the Ulster Final between Fermanagh and Donegal.

Foster, who sat throughout the demolition of her native county Fermanagh by Declan Bonner’s men, was caught on camera last week shouting at an aged traffic warden are ye blind for f**k sake and can you only point the one way ye clown whilst the warden escorted a group of primary school children across a small country road in Ahoghill.

Additionally, it has been reported that a waitress in an exclusive restaurant in Belfast suffered a barrage of abuse when serving the DUP party leader at the weekend.

An onlooker described how she shouted ‘two hands, f**k sake‘ whilst the waitress poured tea and ‘one of ye, yiz bollockses‘ when two came over to do a refill.

The final straw for fellow members occurred on Monday when she took her seat, late, at a party conference and immediately asked the person beside her ‘who won the minor?’

Suggestions that she was heard humming the Irish national anthem Amhrán na bhFiann in a park in Belfast and towards the end shouting ‘get wired into them yiz c**ts’ have yet to be verified.

 

Healy Park Still Flooded Despite Good Spell

Kiltimagh-3Scientists from across the globe have descended on Omagh today after it emerged that despite consecutive days of over thirty degree heat, an U16 match in Healy Park had to abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch yesterday. 

With a hosepipe ban already in force, environmental boffins from as far as California and Cappagh are stumped as to how the Omagh sod remains unplayable after such a relentlessly hot period of weather.

Manager of Gortin U16s, Paddy Coyle, vented:

“Frig sake.”

Calls for the official county ground to be moved to Dungannon have increased overnight with East Tyrone Lord Mayor Ginny Campbell adamant that this was the last straw:

“There hasn’t been a dry pitch in Omagh in my living memory. That’s why the Omagh ones always have dirty legs on holidays in Portugal. You can spot them a mile away. Dungannon is the multi-cultural capital of Ireland. It’s time we won back what is rightfully ours.”

Although it’s early days for a diagnosis, scientists are pointing to a phenomenon of the ‘anti-vanishing lake’ theory as a possible explanation for the Healy Park dampness. This theory suggests that there is a permanent invisible rain cloud over the ground which also explains why Joe McMahon and Ronan O’Neill always have slick hair.

Tyrone Flags To Be Banned At Tyrone Matches

YaHauAJmLoMNOAC-800x450-noPadThe GAA have decided to go on the front foot following the backlash to the arrest of a Tyrone supporter for flying a Palestinian flag in Navan at the weekend by banning the flying of Tyrone flags for their upcoming game against Carlow.

When pushed on the reasons for the new sanction, Croke Park officials cited two new rulings they thought up overnight in an underground bunker in Dublin:

Firstly, too many of the Tyrone flags have the Irish language on them. How are we going to get Arlene Foster to attend the Ulster Final when she has to look at Tyrone flags on the TV spelt out in their mother tongue? Secondly, we find the red hand offensive.

Guards in Carlow have been instructed to deploy water cannons and plastic bullets if necessary on anyone seen flying a Tyrone flag and to arrest anyone displaying the Tyrone hat, scarf or headband. They have also sounded a warning to Tyrone players not to be getting too excited when scoring and kissing the badge or something.

Meanwhile, Gardai have admitted they didn’t arrest other Palestine flag holders in Navan because they initially believed they were actually Carlow flags, and not because they eventually caught themselves on.

Cavanagh, Jordan, Devlin and Harte To Settle Differences In Charity 4-Way Cage Fight In Garvaghey

Mickey Harte consoles Philip Jordan 23/8/2009Following a spate statements and counter arguments regarding Tyrone’s style of play over the last few weeks, the county board have announced a 4-way MMA bout between giants of Tyrone GAA to be held at Garvaghey in aid of a new donkey sanctuary in Aughnacloy.

The fight, which pits two Moy men (Sean Cavanagh and Philip Jordan) up against Ballygawley’s Harte and Ardboe’s Devlin, will be televised live on Sky Sports 3 on the 31st June at 7pm.

Despite differences of opinion on the same issue between the two Moy men, it appears that they are prepared to put that aside for the sake of club loyalty and team up to face the wily experience of their former manager and the pure dirt of his Ardboe assistant.

Speaking at the media launch of the event, Tyrone PR expert Harry Quinn admitted there will be no softening of current mixed martial arts rules:

“Gavin Devlin was adamant that anything goes as soon as the referee gives the nod. Although Sean has the obvious height advantage over both men, Devlin is skilled in the deeper dark arts, something only loughshore men are proficient in. Harte may not have age on his side but he know’s both Moy mens’ Achilles heels inside out. Ruffling Sean’s impressive mane is a predicted tactic.”

Philip Jordan was this morning seen lifting empty kegs of beer outside Tomney’s and firing them at a wall shouting ‘you should have made me captain earlier ye bollocks’, suggesting he has already started intense training.

DUP Man Suspended After Mobile Footage Shows Him Tapping His Foot To Ireland’s Eurovision Entry, On A Sunday

78440206da510fbee8061643c8c208ca-650x433A junior DUP party member from Cookstown, who hasn’t been at his desk for over a week, has finally revealed that he has been disciplined after mobile phone footage showed him tapping his foot and smirking to Ireland’s Eurovision song which celebrated same-sex relationships, on a Sunday. 

Wilbert McFettridge (22) claims he hasn’t been told which aspect of his party’s principles he had violated but has vowed to be a better DUP man in the future:

“I haven’t been informed yet if it was the fact that I was toe-tapping to an Irish entry, or that the song was about a love story between two men or finally if it was the fact that I did all this on a Sunday that I have been suspended for. I didn’t know I was smirking but I was probably thinking of a good joke or something.”

McFetridge wanted to confirm to his supporters and voters that he has spent the last week listening to the Moygashel Loyalist Flute Band Greatest Hits CD non-stop in his car even since his lapse and will be more aware of his musical preferences in future:

“To be honest I wasn’t aware of anyone filming me. I just happened to be listening to it whilst waiting in traffic to get into the Cookstown Fr Rock’s game against Greencastle. Damn it, I mean Sunday Service,”

The DUP now are currently monitoring CCTV footage of cars arriving at the Cookstown GAA ground that Sunday. If spotted, McFetridge could be up on all four accounts of breaching party ethos.

Sean Cavanagh To Sue New ‘Solo Dummy’ Baby Pacifier Company For Copyright

Billy-Bob-Pacifier_4235-l-1A friend close to the Cavanagh family has revealed that former Player of the Year Sean Cavanagh is confident of winning his case against the Chinese baby pacifier company Magayama after they rolled out their ‘Solo Dummy’ product this week.

The Solo Dummy, which attaches to a baby’s palm so that they can pacify themselves all night without parental involvement, is predicted to revolutionise the use of dummies across the world after it sold over 90 million units in China alone last week.

Cavanagh’s lawyer, Brian Mellon, admitted that even he thought it was a blatant rip-off of the Cavanagh’s famed dummy he performed over 3000 times throughout his career, once leaving Monaghan’s Dick Clerkin confused and dazed for THREE weeks in 2008:

“The Chinese cuteness doesn’t fool me. I know for a fact that the Tyrone 2003-2008 side was massive in China. They’d know all about Sean and his solo dummy. Sure isn’t there a module taught about Ryan McMenamin in art class over there and Brian Dooher Day is the 1st June when the Chinese run like mad all over the place.”

Mellon also revealed that Darren McCurry is keeping a close eye on a new curry burger McDonald’s are bringing out and that if it was called the McCurry Burger he’d sue them all the way back to America.

 

The Media Student's Book Blog

Film and media education

LUCID BEING

Out Of Body Energy & Frequency To Empower! ☀️ Digital Art Rendering From Various Sourced Photography by Lucid Being!

In Dianes Kitchen

Recipes showing step by step directions with pictures and gadget reviews

Video Games Guide - PS Vita, PS3, Xbox , Wii - BestVideoGames.site

Video Games Guide - PS Vita, PS3, Xbox , Wii

Young Writers and Poets

If writing is your dream, you are at the right place!

Naturesl0vers

All about nature

Dining with Donald

Donald on dining in and out

Fourteen Lines

A Sonnet Obsession

The Irish Peace Process

Catholic Afterthoughts

Ryan Harper Writing

Short Stories, Poems and Songs and random observations

My Journey:

Me and my daughters journey with a GATA2 deficiency, myelodysplasia, a bone marrow transplant and beyond..............

Amber, Like the Traffic Light

Twenty-something, dog obsessed, book-binging gal

Minimal Belle

Creative, mindful & compassionate living

%d bloggers like this: