Category Archives: GAA
A friend close to the Cavanagh family has revealed that former Player of the Year Sean Cavanagh is confident of winning his case against the Chinese baby pacifier company Magayama after they rolled out their ‘Solo Dummy’ product this week.
The Solo Dummy, which attaches to a baby’s palm so that they can pacify themselves all night without parental involvement, is predicted to revolutionise the use of dummies across the world after it sold over 90 million units in China alone last week.
Cavanagh’s lawyer, Brian Mellon, admitted that even he thought it was a blatant rip-off of the Cavanagh’s famed dummy he performed over 3000 times throughout his career, once leaving Monaghan’s Dick Clerkin confused and dazed for THREE weeks in 2008:
“The Chinese cuteness doesn’t fool me. I know for a fact that the Tyrone 2003-2008 side was massive in China. They’d know all about Sean and his solo dummy. Sure isn’t there a module taught about Ryan McMenamin in art class over there and Brian Dooher Day is the 1st June when the Chinese run like mad all over the place.”
Mellon also revealed that Darren McCurry is keeping a close eye on a new curry burger McDonald’s are bringing out and that if it was called the McCurry Burger he’d sue them all the way back to America.
15 years after Tyrone wrestled Sam Maguire from the applely clutches of their dear neighbours Armagh, Tyrone Tribulations took a trip around the Orchard county to see how they’ve managed to process the ordeal.
“F**k away off”
Mary Grimley, Armagh City
“I have to admit I’ve struggled with my faith ever since. Jesus or God said something about love thy neighbour but I just hate you b**tards. I prayed extra hard that you would lose the other two All-Irelands and my prayers weren’t answered. I have to admit, I’m wobbling here.”
Fr Peter McKenna, Silverbridge
“I’ve seen seven different psychiatrists and three faith healers in those 15 years and not one can erase the recurring nightmare of me walking towards a pot of gold only for Conor Gormley coming out of nowhere to block my path. Philip Jordan then falls over the pot and I get sent off.”
Joey Kernan, Crossmaglen
“Set one more foot on my land and I’ll blow your red handed arse off you.”
D Marsden, Lurgan
“Aye but sure we won it first. Have yous a cathedral?”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“I know for a fact that there was nothing wrong with Peter Canavan. He went off cos he was getting marked out of it.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“Hasn’t affected me at all.”
Batman Ninjaman Robinson (formerly Joe Robinson), Maghery
“And another thing, Stevie McDonnell told me that McMenamin spent the whole game telling him all the Eurovision winners right back to 1958 and singing snippets from each one. Dirty tricks.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
After an emergency meeting in Garvaghey today, the Tyrone County Board have decided to let the division one league game between the Moy and Dromore go ahead on Wednesday despite the raw emotion in the county after the birth of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child today.
Describing the meeting as ‘heated’, fixtures compiler Tommy Morgan admitted it was a narrow margin which saw the game going ahead:
“It was emotional. There were ones crying and all even before the meeting started such was the momentous event of your woman having a third child. In the end, the fact that the match isn’t until Wednesday probably swung it by one vote. People will have calmed down by then hopefully. Sure we can have a minute’s silence or something.”
News of the birth of the child saw many parents taking their own children out of school early as well as labourers downing tools from midday in order to go home and watch the news and maybe toast the occasion.
The new Sinn Fein Centre of Excellence in Coalisland was due to be finished this week but today’s events may have set back the completion date ‘by over a month’ according to site chief-foreman Paidi Og McGearailt from Stewartstown.
Meanwhile, bookies are offering odds of 20-1 that the child will be named Francie, after Joe Brolly’s father.
Monaghan officials have described as ‘cynical’ the move by Tyrone to hire Conor McGregor as the car park attendant for their championship class in May in Omagh, with special responsibility for buses.
McGregor, who recently found himself in a spot of bother after an altercation with a bus in America, will reportedly be paid £10 an hour for the day, funded by a special collection made at a Club Tyrone meeting in Garvaghey last week which raised £2m in 10 minutes.
Monaghan GAA vice chairman Pat Shovelin maintains it’s a sign that Tyrone and Harte are feeling the pressure before the big occasion:
“It’s a form of dirty tricks. But we’ll be prepared. We have already attached cages to all the windows on our bus and Dick Clerkin has promised to arrive early and stand beside McGregor in case he tries something like he did in the States. Our Dick isn’t afraid of anyone.”
Additionally, over 4000 Ricey McMenamin masks will be handed out to the crowd on the day which has been renamed ‘Ryan McMenamin Appreciation Day’, in another move which has been described as ‘intentionally intimidatory’ by Monaghan officials.
Meanwhile, Kevin ‘Hub’ Hughes has been drafted in by Harte to help out Stephen O’Neill in coaching forwards how to become more accurate in front of goals.
Homeowners in the greater Gortin area have been advised to lock their gates after a 9-year-old child declared war on local hedges and gardens after he received only four large Easter eggs this morning from family and friends.
The boy, who cannot be named, already obliterated two gardens close by and destroyed a main hedge on the Crockanboy Road by the time his parents were able to head to the local shop and pick up another six cut-price eggs.
His mother revealed that their rush purchase was in vain;
“He was cursing and saying it was too late and that his friends had already uploaded their eggs onto Facebook and Instagram hours ago. I just hope he’ll forgive us in time.”
An uncle’s attempt to explain to his nephew that back in his day he’d have been happy with half a Mars Bar was met with a clump of muck to his mouth, several kicks to both shins and shouts of ‘whatever grandad’ before dismantling the parish priest’s water feature.
For the record, the boy received two mini egg Easter eggs, a Malteser one and a large Yorkie egg.
Croke Park officials have been dispatched to 31 counties as well as London and New York to kick-start a £300m fund drive to stop the current rut the Dublin senior football team find themselves in after drawing with Galway and losing by a point to Monaghan.
The money will be used to pay for more coaches as well as getting better cars and superior food for the current senior squad so they train harder. Already plans are in place to use some of the money to buy new Japanese ‘warm balls’ for training that heat up when kicked accurately between the posts, a further incentive for the All Ireland champions.
Tyrone deputy vice treasurer Linda Kelly admitted it might be hard to gather the money for this worthwhile cause:
“Although there is nothing that gives us more pleasure that throwing millions at Dublin, things are tight at the minute. We might have to sell off bits of Garvaghey and get Sean Cavanagh to pretend he’s still a player and do more talks and presentations for a small fee. But we’ll get the money. It’s too important.”
Meanwhile, the Dublin County Board have appealed for calm after the defeat to Monaghan. The Molly Malone statue was pelted with eggs and cocaine and shots were fired at The Spire of Dublin last night as thousands of Dublin fans threatened to ‘head back to the soccer’ if the current slide continues.
Jim Gavin was unavailable for comment.
A retired Ardboe pensioner is facing up to 10 years in Maghaberry after he admitted to training his collie Pebbles to bark ‘f**k Derry’ on command when being visited by relatives from the Derry side of Ballinderry.
Gerry ‘Queen’ Quinn, who was previously cautioned for teaching his pet budgerigar to sing Wolfe Tones songs during a 12th July parade in Coagh, revealed he trained the dog to utter obscenities aimed at the Oak Leaf county over a period of four years, treating Pebbles to cheeseburgers and chips after tasks were accomplished.
Judge Peter Campbell added:
“This was a systematic pattern of training pets to do his dirty work. We have it on good authority that he had three cats undergoing similar training, targeting a wide range of government officials using verbal and physical tactics. He is like a Dark Dr Doolittle, doing a lot of damage.”
Quinn has decided not to appeal the decision when it is handed down, claiming it was worth it “to see the look on them tramps’ faces”.
Pebbles has been handed over to the RSPCA to be retrained to bark more normal local things like ‘ghost oh it’s tarra’ and ‘are ye blind, ref?’.
Stephen Hawking, who died peacefully in his home in Cambridge yesterday, is being credited with discovering the seaport and industrial town of Larne whilst searching into the deepest darkest corners of the universe using a telescope made by a welder from Trillick in 1988.
Patsy Brennan, who accidentally made the device when trying to weld together a pair of binoculars for a group of local men who liked watching the British Army from a distance as a hobby, said Hawking stumbled across Larne whilst searching for some of the mysteries of the universe:
“He was mad excited when he spotted Larne. He really thought he’d found one of these holes he kept going on about and was pure demented about it. I’m glad he never spotted Carrickfergus or he’d never have left,”
Hawking and Trillick go back a long way after he was seduced by their swashbuckling football in the 80s as well as their ability to play a high standard of football whilst sporting heavy moustaches and successfully managing raging hangovers on a Sunday morning.
Brennan lamented the fact that the telescope was taken apart for scrap metal in 1995 in order to pay for hotels in Dublin for his family for the All Ireland Final that year.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
PSNI have described their bread haul as ‘significant’ after raids in houses and vehicles in the Derrytresk area discovered a highly sophisticated bread ring operating since the recent bad weather began.
Over 600 white loaves, 300 soda farls and dozens of wheaten bread, brown bread and pancakes were confiscated over a three-hour period this morning with over 50 arrests. 28 griddle pans and open fires were smashed in a no-nonsense approach from police who described locals as ‘not that hungry looking’.
Constable Williams added:
“It was a highly complex operation we saw. Vans and cars were passing bread through open windows on the road without even slowing down. It was only when a Vauxhall Corsa driver dropped a slice of homemade potato bread that we pounced. This is great news for Irwins and the like. The Derrytresk bread cartel is dead.”
A balaclava-ed Local businessman Freddie Fitzhanna admitted it was a bad bow for the area:
“Whilst the rest of the country struggled to buy bread, we had no such problems and were even using bread to dry ourselves such was its bountifulness. It meant our footballers would hit the ground running this year whilst other teams remained skinny and stuff. A bad blow.”
Meanwhile, the local poitín black market remained untouched. Fitzhanna also revealed how two constables bought 8 bottles of plum poitín off him and refused to arrest him after his bread making sideline was smashed to pieces by the same men.
Community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after it emerged that a well-known cafe in Coalisland added beans to their morning fry this morning, resulting in a 200-strong brawl at the roundabout between pro-bean and anti-bean gangs.
Landi’s, where diners travel to from all over Ireland to experience its suppers, maintain the beans are here to stay despite the ongoing riot which is still simmering in pockets around the town, as well as being a non-optional item on the dish.
Anti-bean gang leader Tommy Quinn is adamant that they will succeed in getting the new item removed from the menu:
“It’s a disgrace. I know for a fact that this is to placate the Dungannon ones who we all know are into their beans. But what about us, the loyal local fry-eaters? Beans will never be a staple ingredient of a fry in Coalisland for as long as I’m about. This is worse than the day they added the tomato.”
Three brothers from Brackaville were told to leave the premises at 10am after they demanded a fry with no beans. Despite being warned five times that the beans were a new non-optional item on the menu, they refused to order anything else and proceeded to fire opened ketchup sachets around the room, one of which ruined Fr Toner’s collar.
Seven arrests were made in Annagher after a pro-bean gang from the area defaced a road sign with the message ‘beans are deadly’.
A 32-year-old plumber from The Moy has described his three hours of sobriety as ‘hell on earth’ after he went until 1pm without a pint for the first time since their epic intermediate win in Croke Park last Saturday.
Denzil Currie, who played on the Moy U14 side which defeated Derrylaughan in a Feis final in Blackwatertown in 2000, admitted what he saw wasn’t something he was prepared to deal with just yet:
“Bins overflowing….women shouting….unmilked cattle…it was like something from a zombie movie. I even saw Colm Cavanagh on top of Tomney’s roof making Tarzan sounds in broad daylight. Mickey will be raging. It’s pure carnage here and there’s no sign of it stopping. This All-Ireland will kill us..”
Church leaders have appealed for the 23 lapsed pioneers to return to the fold before it’s too late. Former teetotaler Kelly Mackle broke the record for the most pints of stout consumed during an episode of Pointless for three consecutive days this week, whilst Sean Cavanagh was last seen trying to dummy solo with a cabbage the whole way to Benburb on Thursday evening.
Meanwhile, Derrylaughan seniors have vowed to ‘kick the shite’ out of the Moy when they meet in the senior division in 2018 to take them down a peg or two and exact revenge for that 2000 U14 loss.
The Clampers’ Association of Tyrone (CAT) are this evening said to be distraught after a 400% rise in bolt cutter sales since last week in stores all over the county.
Although the high-profile nature of Gerry Kelly’s skirmish with a clamp in Belfast is being blamed for the spike in figures, CAT spokesman Malachy Tally insisted it’s not a time to be pointing fingers:
“I’ve seen children as young as four walking about with bolt cutters trying to break into playgrounds long after closing hours, and pensioners forcing their way past locked doors into churches for some extra praying. It’s getting out of hand and we call on all rationally minded people to intervene when they see someone loitering with intent with a pair of cutters over their back.”
Meanwhile, the price of bolt cutters have rocketed since the weekend, with a Coalisland firm already in the process of setting up a crytpo-currency ICO start-up to raise funds to mass produce wire and bolt cutting devices.
Finally, an anti-clamp bolt-cutting cult in Strabane, known as the Clampets, have issued a statement, reminding people that they were not behind the recent damage done to a fence surrounding the Clady chicken farm which resulted in 70’000 chickens, some headless, running wild and clucking around the village from midnight last night til 6pm today.
Fr Vivian Sheeran, the controversial Cappagh priest who was thrown out of the Vatican last year for drinking 3 bottles of red wine and telling the Pope he was a ganch, has managed to irk the whole of Armagh by claiming God was comparing the Orchard County to forbidden fruit.
In a 2-hour long sermon in his home parish, Fr Sheeran maintained that God was hinting at Adam and Eve to stay away from Armagh, represented by a tree in the story, but when they did eat the apples they ventured into the county and were damned to hell for eternity.
Parishoner Henry Quinn (77) agreed with the priest’s interpretation:
“It seems plausible enough. My own grandfather mistakenly wandered into Blackwatertown and was beset with health problems thereafter. He died 2 years after that, ironically choking on an apple.”
According to listeners, Sheeran went on to claim that 2002, the year Armagh lifted the All Ireland, was a precursor to the apocalypse and mankind was only saved when God himself lifted the trophy the following year.
Meanwhile, next weekend Fr Sheeran will become the first priest in the world to marry a man to his pet dog, ‘Bubbles’, in a lavish ceremony outside the Rock.
Tyrone county officials have admitted to being stretched this week after scrambling to prepare the Healy Park away dressing room to meet the demands of multiple All-Ireland champions and multi-millionaires Dublin.
The Boys in Blue, who thrashed Tyrone last August in between holidays to Dubai and Kinsale, arrive by private jet in Omagh on Saturday night for the second round of fixtures in the National League.
A leaked A4 sheet of paper revealed the extent of the Dublin management’s expectations when visiting county grounds:
– Heated benches
– Unlimited supply of unfiltered Dublin water
– personalised hangers with each player’s initials on them
– newspapers from across the world including the Financial Times
– soothing classical music and strictly no country music
– No member of the public within a 400 year radius
– Framed picture of Bertie Ahern
– 73 degree fahrenheit exactly
– a ping-pong table
– a large urn containing noodles and jellied eel
– two smartly dressed hostesses from Omagh
– a temporary runway for landing and taking off
A Tyrone GAA sources added:
“We’ve been able to meet most of the demands but a few towards the end are proving problematic. We need to get this right or Dublin could throw us out of the Association altogether.”
If all else fails, the Gortin Road will be cordoned off as a temporary landing strip for the Jackeen players.
Corporate GAA has dripped its way down into grassroots level after it emerged that Derrytresk are to trial a new hospitality package for people wanting to watch their home games in this year’s intermediate league.
The 8-match deal, which will see teams such as Cookstown and Kildress visit the ground, will cost interested punters £400 or £60 per match which will include:
- Free entry to the game
- 50% off crisps and mineral in the first half
- 30p off beer and spirits
- a pre-match tour of the area including the chapel grotto and the River Blackwater
- Prime seats on the rampart
- free entry to cock-fights that weekend
- find the guns in the moss and win a fiver
- 2 JCB rides before and after a game
- Meet the captain for a drink after the game
A spokesman for the club added:
“We need to make it clear that this point that the package does not include a free ticket for the half time draw. That must be purchased separately.”
Meanwhile, Killyman GFC are looking into a similar package for their club as soon as they can find something to include in it.
County On High Alert As Four Pomeroy Men Named In Starting 15, Fulfilling Revelations 13:11 Prophecy
Religious leaders have appealed for calm after it emerged that four Pomeroy players have been named in the Tyrone senior starting team to play Antrim in the McKenna Cup in Armagh tonight.
Although manager Mickey Harte has been known to make last minute changes, he is coming under acute pressure to bench at least one of them by doomsday merchants within the county.
Panic was widespread last night when Pastor Evan McGenical from Greencastle announced that in the Book of Relevations there is a reference to the ‘four horned men from the mountain that’s just a hill’ and how they would ‘come forth and massacre the men from the city’, a prelude to the Second Coming himself.
Pastor Genical added:
“I know Mickey isn’t one for the Revelations but he surely sees the warning signs. I know nothing about GAA and gaelic football but even I think it’s unusual to have even one Pomeroy man on the squad, never mind four of them starting. This could be the end for Tyrone in general.”
Sources have confirmed that Armagh ground staff are considering heightening the Red Hand fear by playing the music to The Omen when Tyrone make their way onto the field tonight.
Documents found in the attic of a house in Brackaville have suggested that Joe Brolly has been a Sir since 1993, according to a Brackaville club committee man who bought the new abode at an auction in Cookstown.
The piece of paper, written to Brolly by Anthony Tohill in early 1994, is now on show behind a glass case in the clubrooms despite Conor Grimes asking for it to be put into a filing cabinet.
Basil Gillis remarked:
“It’s quite obvious that Tohill was in on this. He started the letter ‘Dear Joe Brolly sir, ……’ and uses ‘sir’ loads of times in many sentences. It’s clear that Tohill didn’t know where to put the ‘sir’ with him being from Swatragh and all but it’s there in black and white.”
Although Gillis is unwilling to publish his findings yet, he is convinced that most of the Derry 1993 All-Ireland winning team were knighted after he stumbled upon a 20-year reunion video and most of them were calling each other ‘sir’ all night although it sounded more like ‘sur’.
“I’m just not surprised at all. I’ve seen a few of them Derry lads walking straight into restaurants or chippies and getting served straight away which we all know is a perk of being knighted by the Queen of England.”
Tyrone Tribulations can confirm that they overheard a sideline meeting between Damien Cassidy and Damien Barton at a Tyrone club match last year and they both addressed each other with the moniker ‘sir’, albeit at the end of the sentences.