Category Archives: GAA
The Korean government are currently contemplating suing a small Ardboe film studio, Ghost-Oh Productions, over their new film called ‘Eel Game’ which at first viewing appears to be a complete rip-off of the Netflix hit, Squid Game.
Eel Game’s plot surrounds the story of 100 loughshore locals who gave been caught doing the double and are given a chance do get off by the bru office by playing a few games from their childhood. If you fail to win your game, you are made to sign up for the JobSeeker’s Allowance scheme.
The first game is called ‘It’s Your Birthday: Get The Shit Kicked Out Of You’, bringing back fond memories for contestants of getting the lining beaten out of them if your classmates found out it was your birthday. Another game involves licking the chocolate off a Choc Pop, leaving just the mint bit in perfect shape and condition.
A camerman from ‘Ghost-Oh Productions’ argued:
“No way lad. This is our idea. If anything the Koreans copied us and we’ll take them to court. We’ve already contacted Joe Brolly.”
Although filming has ended, all actors have been sworn to secrecy about the series although one inside source told us that one of the key scenes was when contestants put jam over themselves and made to stand naked at the Lough on a warm day and have midges ate you. One actor was taken to Magherafelt for severe bites on his arms and testicles.
Misunderstanding Stuns Fans As Garth Brooks Commits To Playing Croke Park Next Year, As A Tyrone Player
Country and Western fans are again left distraught for a second time after believing Garth Brooks had signed up to five concerts due to rumours emanating from the USA at the weekend.
It has since emerged that Brooks is bidding to make the Tyrone senior squad next year and is targeting at least five appearances at headquarters, three from the bench initially. Feargal Logan is a well known fan of the singer, boosting his chances of ousting McShane or Bradley from the starting 15.
A PR spokesman explained:
“Garth was smitten by the final last week and fancies himself as a burly corner forward. He likes the ball in low places and believes some of the players are much too young at the minute. He’s determined and when the thunder rolls, there’s no better man to leave the opposition with unanswered prayers.”
After they’ve come to terms with no concerts, the sight of Brooks in a Tyrone jersey may be too much for the c&w loving county and local medics are urging for calm.
Ironically, Brian Dooher serenaded the squad on the way from from Croke Park on Saturday Night with If Tomorrow Never Comes, leaving Ronan McNamee and Tiernan McCann in floods of tears.
A rumour that Tyrone might let Mayo win if instructed by Dooher has been ridiculed as another Tyrone dark art ruse by those closest to the Mayo team who study DVDs and moving images.
The leaked training video which shows a bearded Dooher telling his troops to ‘give this one to Mayo sure‘ did appear to possess some special effects as Dooher hasn’t had a beard in years and Ricey McMenamin seems to be one of the obscured players in the semi circle.
A top Mayo videologist maintains that the video is fake and is an attempt by the ‘Class of 2005’ to indulge one last time in the Dark Arts and mess with Mayo heads.
“It might work on Kerry, but not us. The cuteness of hoorism isn’t just up north. The west’s hoors are as cute, if not cuter. There’s no way that video is real. Sure Mugsy is in it too holding a dog and mooning at the camera man. It won’t work!”
Rumours that Mayo have already constructed a Sam Coming Home stage in Castlebar has also been ridiculed. It has since been claimed that a building firm from Strabane erected it during a lunch break last week to wind the local media up. It has still to be taken down.
Are you the cutest hoor in Tyrone? If so, get your plans in order and attend the ‘Cutest Hoor In Tyrone’ competition to be held in a field in Augher on Sunday 5th September at 3pm.
The competition is expected to see 1000s of entrants with various degrees of cute hoorism ranging from grant-swindling to stinginess when paying for drinks in the pub. Male and female hoors who are just cute are asked not to apply.
An emotional Lionel Messi has agreed to help Tyrone out if their semi-final against Kerry goes ahead, after reading a ‘heartbreaking interview’ with Brian Dooher in the Irish News.
The diminutive Argentinian has already taken part in two sessions with the county, the first of which saw him emptied by Ronan McNamee.
Concerns that his presence may see McCurry relegated to the bench were allayed after the Edendork man defeated Messi in three consecutive bleep tests.
A squad insider told us:
“There was a bit of needle between McCurry and Messi initially, with the Dazzler repeatedly shouting ‘too long’ any time Messi had the ball. On Tuesday McNamee sent Messi into the ditch with the shoulder which convinced Dooher and Logan that springing him from the bench might be a better idea. He’ll probably come on for Sludden which is a straight swap”
Messi was said to be emotional after reading Dooher’s words regarding fielding a team due to Covid issues in the Irish News which he subscribes to for the horse racing and deaths.
The Argentinian has joined the Killyclogher Hurling Club for the week in order to be eligible for the game.
Jim Allister To Throw In Ball At Croke Park Ulster Final To Commemorate Centenary of Border, In Exchange For Early Border Poll
In a bid to speed up the possibility of a border poll and a united Ireland eventually, the GAA are reportedly about to grant Jim Allister’s wish to throw in the ball for the Tyrone/Monaghan Ulster Final in order to commemorate 100 years of the border. Six marching bands from different Orange Lodges will parade around Croke Park before the game. The GAA have stopped short of allowing Allister’s ring being kissed by both captains, as was Jim’s wish.
The TUV leader has been practising throwing the ball up in the air since late June when he was secretly told that the deal would go ahead no matter who was in the final. Allister was also warned to ‘run like hell’ after he throws the ball up in case he’s milled in a stampede. An official explained:
“Tyrone have two big strapping lads in midfield and we all know the brutal ignorance of them Monaghan lads. It would be in Jim’s interest to start running towards the sideline as soon as the ball leaves his hands, and to throw it very high in the air in order to buy him time.”
The 18’000 crowd will be treated to four flute bands and two accordion bands, playing some classic tunes such as ‘The Papish Goat’ and ‘Orange Apron Trimmed With Blue’
During the national anthem, Allister has admitted he will put earphones on and listen to a podcast.
A north Tyrone priest, who was threatened with a defrocking in 1993 after denouncing Derry’s All Ireland title as ‘the work of the devil’, has incurred the wrath of the Vatican again after declaring that Jesus Christ probably would have hated Derry as he was allergic to oak and allegedly had a run-in with a member of the Doherty clan who refused to pay for work done, during his time as a carpenter near Galilee.
Fr Teague, a 69-year-old ex-doorman, joined the priesthood in his 30s after becoming disillusioned with the slagging he was getting at the door of the Pink Pussycat nite club in Cookstown, especially from lads from Magherafelt.
During his homily last weekend which was streamed online, he stated:
“I’m nearly sure Jesus the Lord himself would have detested Derry and Derry GAA especially. He had a horrible experience from Derry ones when he was earning a living. He put down floorboards in a house in Galilee. A Derry family had moved there because it sounded like Galliagh in Derry city. They never paid him. Pure Derry behaviour that.”
The Vatican has given Fr Teague a final warning and have told him to stop using Christianity to get at Derry.
In other news, Bonnie Tyler has bought a house in Brocagh as a second home. She has asked for privacy and will shoot anyone selling tickets.
Mike, what are your fondest memories of your time in Tyrone?
Tyrone, it’s in Ireland
I was never in Ireland
Yes, you were. In 1987. You opened a youth boxing Gym in Omagh. You gave medals out to a ladies football team in Cookstown. You wrapped a Ferrari around a lamp post in Castlederg. Your tiger had to be shot with a dart in Edendork Primary School playground. It was on CNN and everything…
Oh yeah. I remember… those were crazy days man. I partied for weeks straight back then. My memory is a little hazy. I once called the Pope ‘Bono’ live on TV. That got me into hot water. Ireland… Tyrone, yeah, I remember. It was COLD man.… What was that guy’s name, the guy with the real thick glasses… ?
That’s it. Big Art. He got me doing laps with the senior guys’ ball team, and had me show them how to throw a left hook and catch the chin on the way back with your elbow. That guy was ace. He got me eating seals meat and everything. Very chewy but pure protein. Was great. Was the only solid to pass my lips for a fortnight.
You mean eels?
Eels! That was it. Man good times. I also battered a man in a bar ‘cause he called me Michael Jordan. I mean Jordan was only in high school in ’87. He wasn’t even famous. That hurt me.
The Battery Bar?
Never mind… what did you think of the Tyrone women?
Ah maaaan. Rough! Hard as boots man. I mean pretty, but they took no shit. This one time, a chick said she would bet me quarter of a million dollars she could do more press ups than me. She couldn’t have been much older than seven or eight. I mean I was world champ, the baddest man on the planet, and here was this little thing challenging me… by the time I stopped laughing, I got straight down and did like 150 in one go. All the old guys in the bar just nodded and sat back in their stools. One turned his cap backwards. I left the bar when her count was at 650 and left a cheque for her. They hammered my car on the way out. I was later told she was broke and got to 1000 before they stopped her.
Anything else for us, this is good stuff Mike…
Man. I can’t remember much of them days now man. My brain was frazzled a lot of the time. I do recall my last day in Ireland waking up under a big stone cross beside a huge big puddle…
Lough Neagh, Ardboe?
Never mind, please go ahead…
Yeah, well this big black cloud of flies came at me, and I thought it was like the spirit of death or something. I bailed into a truck and paid a local $500 to take me straight to Dublin airport. I dint even go to collect my clothes or anything. That was a hairy hangover. I don’t know how you guys stick it there. And the cold. Man it was freezing the whole time.
It was August Mike, there was a heat wave that year.
Well, I won’t be back in a hurry. No wonder you guys are all a little cracked. It’s like the rocks and hills pull your heads inwards or something… Before I go, what ever happened that little press up chick?
She’s putting it up to the DUP
[Join us next week when we unveil our exclusive Matthew McConaghey interview, where he tells us all about the jeans that made him famous]
TELL US ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN GAA
Well I fell in love with the sport when I happened upon a Periscope video of Tattyreagh playing Loughmacrory. Ever since then I’ve been a Tatts fanatic and have ordered 12 Tattyreagh football tops over the last three years on eBay (chuckles). It’s ironic because Brad Pitt is a massive Loughmacrory fan.
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY’LL GO THE YEAR?
I wouldn’t have high hopes. I thought they’d take Moortown but them East Tyrone lads are hardy fellas. They remind me a bit of Joey in Friends who had a steely determination about him when it came to learning lines and stuff. They should beat Augher though.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO TYRONE OFTEN?
Yes I try to get over as much as possible, maybe three times a month. Last week I flew over to Belfast and stayed for two nights in Plumbridge just wandering the fields and loanans. I like The Plum. It reminds me a bit of LA with the way people completely ignore you on the roads. I was driving down the Glenelly Road recently and a fella in a Davy Brown moreorless drove straight over me. I like that about Plumbridge.
ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS AT THE MINUTE?
Oh wouldn’t you love to know! (chuckles). Yes, I’ve three films on the go and I’m also learning how to make soda bread on the griddle. I saw it in action in a house near Gortin and thought I’d give it a go. So far I’ve had no success but it doesn’t work as well over an electric hob. You really need a fire going but that’s illegal here in Malibu.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE LOGAN AND DOOHER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AHEAD?
To be honest, I’m more of a baseball girl but I’ll say one thing. Tyrone need to bring back thuggery and shithousery. It’s why I fell in love with the Tatts (crying).
Education authorities are appealing to teachers not to penalise students who don’t play football for their local GAA club or, even worse, giving poor grades to those who play for rival clubs.
Concerns over bias emerged after a rake of Tyrone students studying in Armagh feared hardcore Armagh GAA teachers were downgrading their grades because they wore Tyrone tops at the leavers’ celebrations. Some teachers were heard goading lads from the Moy by making jokes about ‘bees’ and ‘seas’ in the aftermath of the buffet and speeches.
Additionally, over 35 Kildress students in a school in Carrickmore claimed teachers were doing the throat-slitting gesture after it was announced that teachers will award grades to pupils as opposed to the traditional exam system.
An anonymous teacher confirmed:
“It really is tempting. I know two lads from Greencastle who tortured me over them beating us in the Intermediate this year. Well, when the results come out we’ll see who’s laughing.”
Meanwhile there are concerns that the new green level travel to Israel will mean Moygashel will be empty next week going by the volume of their flags in the village.
Tourism around Lough Neagh and in the Isle of Man is braced for a downturn in fortunes after today’s announcement that Edwin Poots has been elected as leader of the DUP.
Poots, who believes that the planet hasn’t been on the go that much earlier than the 1982 World Cup, is predicted to completely rubbish the idea that McCool, in a fit of temper, lifted a chunk out of Ireland to fire at another tall lad, hence creating the Isle of Man as well as Lough Neagh.
When questioned about the incident in 25000BC, Poots refused to be moved on the issue apart from saying something about bollocks.
Meanwhile, Tyrone commence their new season under Dooher and Logan tomorrow against Donegal.
Louth GAA were quick to throw cold water on the rumours that Leinster rivals Dublin were caught training by the fresh photography skills of new manager Mickey Harte.
Harte, who took up the reins of managing the Wee County at the end of last year, managed to fill free time in recent months by taking up photography and was spotted around pitches frequented by Dublin squads in the past, albeit trying to snap pictures of curlews and other birds that reminded him of home.
However, rumours that he took photos of Fenton and Cooper training are way off the mark according to Louth committee member Gerard Sludden:
“I know for a fact that Mickey did not take them photos. He uses one of them instant camera things and wouldn’t have the zoom capacity clearly used in the leaked photos. Listen, if we beat Dublin this year because their players have been jailed over this it’s their fault. And Louth are rising anyway.”
Harte will begin his tenure in charge of Louth in Division 4 which also sees one of his 00s players Enda McGinley in opposition in charge of Antrim. Rumours that Harte was seen near Casement Park taking photos of murals has been brought to McGinley’s attention.
BY CLAMPED CANDY
Talk of schools putting GAA in History lessons. Might as well make a start. Football fading into the distant past. Can envisage Irish archaeologists in a couple of hundred years time finding what they believe to be the site of an ancient sporting ritual. Something to rival the great Aztec and Mayan civilizations. Where a primitive, savage form of football was first thought to have been played.
Deep in the heart of Tyrone, these archaeologists find a long, forgotten expanse, surrounded by steep, weed covered banks. Maybe used as a vantage point for local villagers to watch the spectacle. A white chalk or paint like substance marking out the perimeter of the arena. Tattered flags set at various distances along the field of play. Some at 45 metres from each end. Although some dispute as to whether it’s 50 yards, not 45 metres. Two long, wooden uprights at either side, possibly marking the territory of the ‘players’ taking part.
The experts finding fragments resembling the shape of human gums and teeth which may have been used to protect the mouths of those doing battle. Although after examination, it may turn out that the fragments are, actually, the gums and teeth of those taking part. A whistle. Possibly used to call protagonists to order during these rituals. A little book, with names scribbled inside. Names of significance? Worthy of recording? And coloured cards. Red, yellow, black. Could these have been used to distinguish those who had shown some form of bravery in combat. A signal to the massed hordes watching perhaps.
In one corner, a large, dilapidated board, with strange lettering and numerals. Deciphered by experts in ancient hieroglyphs. Something like,. Pomeroy 0-9…. Ardboe 0-8. Who were these ‘Pomeroy’ and ‘Ardboe’? Tribes meeting to resolve disputes? And the numbers, maybe signifying those sacrificed by the tribes taking part. Further excavations will reveal small dugouts or huts on each side of the flat expanse. Filled with ragged, threadbare clothing with numbers on the back and the same names as on the board. They will deduce that the garments were part of the attire worn before going into battle to replace those bludgeoned in the fray. Empty water vessels litter the arena. Sponges, spray cans and potions also plentiful. Experts speculate that these may have been used by witch doctors as remedies to force the injured back into the melee.
One lone, discarded piece of footwear. Maybe lost by a fleeing participant. And two long white coats found in an adjacent area, ripped and bloodstained, may be related to the site. Although no ‘ball’ will be found it will be presumed there was. Or perhaps a human skull was used in a macabre resemblance to what some experts say the ancient Mesoamericans did. Whatever, many of the remnants found will remain a mystery, and forever open to conjecture. But those names, Pomeroy and Ardboe will be synonymous with Machu and Tenochtitlan, as honorifics of great awe and wonder.
Derrylaughan GAC are currently the subject of a national investigation after video footage emerged of midges practising swarming tactics at the Washingbay despite a ban on all collective training due to the current health concerns.
The midges, which traditionally play a crucial role in blinding opposition players especially during the warmer months, were filmed swarming in well rehearsed moves and being egged on by two Derrylaughan stalwarts Pedro Kennedy and Horatio Cushnahan.
The midges were spotted perfecting the infamous eye-drilling move by lining up behind each other and attacking opposition forwards’ eyes by shooting into them, in numbers of 20’000 or more.
Another tactic involves a mesmeric swarming dance which can distract a rival goalkeeper with its beauty. It is said that Derrylaughan won the 1981 Championship after a particularly skilled batch of midges followed the team to neutral venues and set upon the opposition at the sound of the trigger word, ‘taggart’.
“Sanctions will be issued if the footage is deemed as clear evidence of skulduggery. Derrylaughan will have to play their home games in Strabane or Aughabrack.”
said Croke Park Disciplinarian Chairperson Joe McNally.
By Clamped Candy.
Top GAA experts are working on a vaccine to stop a worrying new strain of the Dublin virus. This seasonal plague, which takes many victims every year, has arrived later than normal with some notable new mutations, making it stronger and more adaptable.
It was hoped that contact with earlier forms of the phenomenon might provide some natural defence. But antibodies detected in Kerry and Donegal some years ago have long since dissipated. Symptoms of the new strain vary but often begin with a sudden shock to the system, followed by an apparent slow recovery, only to go down hill again as the remorseless nature of the variant sets in.
Social distancing does not appear to work. In fact it only seems to make its effects worse. Testing is in the early stages but initial reports suggest vaccine will not provide immunity though it may mitigate the results. The process apparently involves splitting the virus into several constituent parts.
If approved, the vaccine will be rolled out to the most vulnerable first which means all of Leinster will be the first to receive it. But some people believe the virus’s strength is being exaggerated, recalling an equally virulent version in the late ’70s and early ’80s which arrived from Kerry and disappeared of its own accord around 1987.
They claim that the panic is worse than the disease. And that it’s being spread by anti ‘Jacksers’. Pundits will also receive inoculation, with Colm O’Rourke and Pat Spillane on the list, dependent on who is the biggest dose. Sorry, dependent on who needs the biggest dose.
Inter-parish rivalry has reached fever-point after it emerged that numbers watching Masses with a bit of pizzazz were dominating those delivering traditional ceremonies online.
Worshippers have been flocking in their droves on the Internet to parishes with good looking priests who put on nice quick masses interspersed with some modern music and raunchy TikTok dancing from readers and sacristans.
Derryloran, Lissan and Tamlaght parishes have seen numbers tally through the roof as mass-watchers jump ship from neighbouring parishes due to mundane and traditional services.
Fr Campbell, who was asked by his bosses to ‘up his game’, ranted:
“TRAITORS! That’s what I think of my congregation who haven’t logged on once to me but are spotted watching the parish up the road. I have all their IP addresses logged and believe you me, the next time they come looking absolution in confessions they’ll be on their knees a long time. B*s*ards!”
Meanwhile, Vatican officials have asked some parishes to tone down the erotic TikTok dancing during hymn singing as it may see conversions to other denominations from older followers who are dismayed at all the sudden flesh on show.
The details of Tuesday night’s midnight Assembly debate between parties at Stormont indicated that locking down Catholics was almost passed as official legislation until Sammy Wilson sneezed during a water cooler break.
The guttural nature of the Irish language coupled with jumping about doing Irish dancing and tin whistle playing provided strong arguments that Catholics were potential super-spreaders of the virus up until the moment Wilson sneezed whilst eating a Wispa washed down with a tin of Lilt.
Protestants were ruled out early on in the debate as the majority of lambeg drummers kept their mouths shut due to the strain of the drum and the Ulster Scots dialect lent itself to a narrower mouth movement.
Atheists were, at the 11th hour, about to take the hit as lockdowners only for a late phonecall from an anonymous loyalist paramilitary group who claimed they’d be obliterated for four weeks if this went ahead.
Sammy’s sneeze threw everything back into the melting pot again but, with Foster faced with the daunting trip back to Fermanagh at that time of the night, they decided to lockdown the whole lot but will be keeping a close eye on the Catholics.
Tyrone Crest Buffering Screen On Tyronegaa Live Matches Hypnotising Gaels Into Buy Merchandise, Claims Man
A psychologist from Brackaville maintains he bought three jerseys from O’Neills website straight after he purchased an online game on tyronegaa for £5 which buffered for 38 minutes in total.
Other pundits have also admitted to being similarly transfixed by the buffering screen which features the Tyrone crest and a small swirly ball which moves in a clockwise direction for up to seven solid minutes at a time. Many racked up 100s of pounds buying merchandise straight after games and not remembering doing it.
Pat Gillis, who used to bend spoons with his mind in the 80s, claims there may be a hypnotic algorithm at work here:
“One minute you’re tearing your hair out and calling tyronegaa all the bollockses of the day as you miss three scores and a sending off because of the buffering and staring at that wee ball and the crest, the next you’re feeling the need to buy 20 Tyrone face masks from O’Neills. All of a sudden £5 turns into £120.”
Tyronegaa have denied no such hypnotic approach to the streaming of live games but did admit they had a new head of merchandise PR who has proposed setting up 5G masts in the county for better streaming services.
Meanwhile, supporters have been told to stop f**kin and blinding on live matches as many children have been heard cursing straight after games in homes.
Tyrone GAA today issued a plea for any good snipers to turn up at Garvaghey tonight for a briefing on this weekend’s matches which are barred to the viewing public.
Current guidelines state that only players and officials are allowed to attend club games but with a sudden increase in hedge-cutting around the perimeter of pitches, the county board are suspicious that many may show up pretending to walk dogs and stuff.
Board member Barry De Burgh explained:
We’ve seen a marked increase in gardening and hedge-cutting around pitches this week. Coupled with ramparts being rid of brackens and ferns, we are sure that some members are planning to attend games on the pretense of being out for a walk. They’ll soon move on that when they feel the whizz going past an ear lobe.
Snipers have been asked to graze onlookers who stay over ten minutes in one particular spot.
In other news, subs on teams have been asked to not take it personally if they’re told to stay at home. In order to comply with guidelines, shite players will be text an hour before throw-in to stay at home and follow the game on Twitter.
This morning GAA authorities have confirmed that they will liven up behind-closed-doors GAA games by playing recorded abuse towards the referee from the crowd in order to create a better spectacle for the TV.
A meeting was held this morning to identify the most common insults and the committee settled on many favourites which will create a sense of nostalgia for supporters sitting at home. They include:
‘You’re a cheating lousy bastard’, ‘Useless C**t’, ‘what do you expect from a (insert county/club here) bollocks’, ‘He’ll give us nothing the hoor!’ ‘Are your eyes painted on?’ ‘You’re a f**king wanker!’ ‘You forget your cards ye dick?’ ‘you’re a disgrace (insert surname here), just be fair!’
as well as other favourites. Referees have also been asked to add to the list if they can recall some from their own experiences.
The committee has also added some player abuse such as ‘if it was a fish supper you’d catch it’ but didn’t want to create offence by using too many.
Meanwhile, Croke Park officials are also considering asking TV spectators to pay a fiver to watch the games on the TV as well as uploading pictures of themselves onto social media sites eating ham sandwiches and opening flasks of tea whilst sitting in makeshift boots in their living rooms.