Category Archives: GAA

GAA Will Pipe Referee Abuse Into Stadiums With No Supporters

00028f48-500This morning GAA authorities have confirmed that they will liven up behind-closed-doors GAA games by playing recorded abuse towards the referee from the crowd in order to create a better spectacle for the TV. 

A meeting was held this morning to identify the most common insults and the committee settled on many favourites which will create a sense of nostalgia for supporters sitting at home. They include:

‘You’re a cheating lousy bastard’, ‘Useless C**t’, ‘what do you expect from a (insert county/club here) bollocks’, ‘He’ll give us nothing the hoor!’ ‘Are your eyes painted on?’ ‘You’re a f**king wanker!’ ‘You forget your cards ye dick?’ ‘you’re a disgrace (insert surname here), just be fair!’

as well as other favourites. Referees have also been asked to add to the list if they can recall some from their own experiences.

The committee has also added some player abuse such as ‘if it was a fish supper you’d catch it’ but didn’t want to create offence by using too many.

Meanwhile, Croke Park officials are also considering asking TV spectators to pay a fiver to watch the games on the TV as well as uploading pictures of themselves onto social media sites eating ham sandwiches and opening flasks of tea whilst sitting in makeshift boots in their living rooms.

TERRIBLY TRACED TYRONE – Volume 1 – Owen Mulligan

owen mulligan

Mattie Donnelly To Jog To Barnard Castle To Test Leg Before Resuming Football

trillIt has emerged that, pending clearance from Stormont, Mattie Donnelly will resume his inter-county career after a serious injury but only after making a near 600-mile round jog to Barnard Castle to test the left leg out. 

Donnelly will embark on the light training jog from the Trillick Post Office tomorrow morning and is hoping he can catch a lift on a fishing boat or something across the Irish Sea, even taking in the scenic route of the Isle of Man if he has time on his hands by the time he reaches Belfast.

Donnelly, who has never been to the castle before or even to County Durham, has been warned not to bring back sticks of rock from his trip as it could mess up the county squad’s diet just before the resumption of football in the country.

Although Mickey Harte initially preferred the idea of a short training run to Tempo in Fermanagh, recent events convinced the Ballygawley manager of the healing properties of the 900 year old castle in England.

Mattie will be accompanied by team mates for part of the way (up to Fintona) and will be listening to his favourite band B*witched for the majority of the run.

GAA May Use Data To Predict All Ireland Winners

Market analysis

By Landan Seamy

Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects the GAA is planning to follow the example of the exam boards and use data to predict the winner of this year’s All Ireland. 

Sean says he found some spreadsheets on his wife’s laptop with loads of data that is almost definitely going to be used to predict things.

“I’ve studied them” he told us, “and things were looking good for Tyrone in the first draft. Not only were they predicted to be in the top two, but it was even looking like Sam would head north again. Then a second version added a disciplinary column which showed that Tyrone was predicted to have at least 17 black cards and that damaged us a bit”.

Nevertheless, this version still suggested Tyrone would meet Kerry in the semi-final again and considering Tyrone beat Dublin earlier in the year, whilst Kerry only managed a draw, it looked like Tyrone was going through.

However, a third version of the spreadsheet added an additional referee column which predicted that Maurice Deegan would referee the semi-final and that added a few points to the Kerry score. So the spreadsheet shows Kerry and Dublin in the final and the only thing to be decided is whether or not David Gough will get to referee it.

Asked whether something similar was going to happen to the hurling championship, Sean’s wife Kate who hates hurling, and who asked to remain anonymous, butted in to say it’s unlikely. “Hurling” she mused “is just all about whacking a ball as hard as you can and then giving the other team a go. There are no tactics so you just might as well just toss a coin”.

As a spy, Sean usually likes to remain tight-lipped but on this occasion he has opted to come out, to warn managers across the country to get together and agree to play behind closed doors if need be. “We cannot allow this coronavirus to be used as an excuse to kill gaelic football” he insisted. “Hear hear” said his wife.

However, not everyone is happy with the prospect of playing this year. Killyclogher’s Tiernan McCann is one among many. According to Tiernan, “Times like these helps you to get things in perspective. There is no way I’m willing to risk playing a football match until the hairdressers reopen”. When informed that Kieran McGeeney is happy to let Armagh play, Tiernan pointed out that It’s not comparing like with like. The Armagh team know they’ll be knocked out long before they reach the televised stages”.

Mickey Harte launched a broadside on hearing of this rebellion in the Tyrone camp and has warned his boys that there are men waiting in the wings who are willing to play whether the hairdressers reopen or not. There is Peter Canavan and Ryan McMenamin and the entire Tattyreagh team.

We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?

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Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY

“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY

“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE

“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.”                          K LUNDY, COALISLAND

“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.”                 O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN

“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY

“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there”     M CUSH, DONAGHMORE

“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON

“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.”  J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG

“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE

“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND

“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.”  M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE

“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND

“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK

“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK

Terror In Tyrone To Continue As Windmill GAC Likely To Reform In 2021

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Most feared sight in Ireland

Clubs up and down the county are currently coming to terms with news that, when life returns to some form of normality, Windmill GAC may be playing Junior football in 2021 and may have already started training.

Although O’Neills have refused to confirm or deny their involvement, jerseys sporting the feared Windmill logo and design have already been spotted in and around Coagh and further afield. Uruguay, who based their aggressive 1950s style on Windmill after one of their players married a girl from Drummullan, is apparently awash with Windmill jerseys and its population is said to be beside themselves with excitement at the news.

In a statement read by hooded men this morning over Skype, reasons for their return were spelt out in a clear and concise manner:

“Football has gone soft. We, at the Windmill, cannot sit back and watch men dive and wave imaginary black cards any more. The only cards we dealt in were Mass Cards before a game, as a warning. Also, there has been serious breeding going on recently in families with the Windmill in their blood. O’Neills, Grahams, Martins, Devlins, Quinns and Herons. All mobilised. All raring to give lads a good reason to dive.”

The Windmill people haven’t seen any football in the area since their infamous friendly with Moortown in 1988 which saw a 130 man and woman brawl which lasted over two days down at the Wee Line.

Referees have today asked for better protective clothing for 2021. Mickey Harte is also considering not picking any Junior League players next year just in case.

Tyrone/Dublin Fight In Tunnel Was Over Immersion Heater

51nggxllrYL._SL1200_Sources from within the Dublin camp have confirmed that the half time brawl between themselves and Tyrone was down to Tyrone turning off the immersion heater during the first half, leaving cold Dublin players without their half time shower. 

The immersion switch, which is located at the end of the tunnel, was turned on by the Dublin management just before throw-in, in preparation for their half time warming session which is the norm at Croke Park.

It emerged that the switch was mischievously turned off by a Tyrone backroom member during an important play on the field. Dublin masseuse Brenda Pollan explained:

“Big Fenton went mad. He loves his warm showers and as soon as he saw the light was off he started swinging. I’ve never seen him so animated. They even wash their balls and all. Think the Tyrone boys didn’t know what the fight was about but threw digs anyway. Dark arts are still alive in Tyrone.”

Tyrone GAA have yet to respond but are known to be very careful about the immersion being on and prefer players to defrost by jumping up and down doing star jumps, as well as the heads, shoulder, knees and toes children’s dance.

Poor Quality Of Australian Cabbage And Bacon Crucial To McShane Decision

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Ten days of sub-standard cabbage and bacon was reportedly the final straw for Cathal McShane after it was confirmed he will stay in Tyrone for 2020 instead of Adelaide.

Preferring the bleak and miserable setting of Leckpatrick, McShane was said to be dismayed at the presentation and texture of his favourite meal of champ, three sausages, brown sauce and a bacon and cabbage combo which he has eaten every day since he was 7.

Close friend and confidante Kieran ‘Tootsie’ Bagule revealed that this was only the tip of the iceberg:

There was no Emmerdale either or nothing. Corned beef sandwiches were also almost impossible to locate in Adelaide. And the tea was shite.

He also confirmed that McShane was asked to sing an initiation song at his first training session. The fact that no one knew who Garth Brooks was after he belted out ‘Friends In Low Places’ confirmed his decision to leave.

Rumours that his Adelaide Crows teammates complained of having to wear sunglasses during meetings, due to his bright white skin colour, were said to be exaggerated.

Paddy Heaney Back At Irish News After Drop In Housewife Readership

Paddy Heaney_ Jarlath Burns 15092008_001_-800After a recent survey confirmed that housewives were turning away from reading the Irish News in favour of Loose Women on TV and Stephen Nolan on the wireless, the newspaper giant have reportedly offered former columnist Paddy Heaney a blank cheque to write again in order to regain lost female readership.

Middle-aged Heaney, who took time off from the writing in a bid to become World’s Strongest Man before becoming embroiled in a multi-million dollar lawsuit with several bread-making establishments after he told people to stop eating bread, was pictured today in a deliberately provocative pose in the Irish News.

An Irish News insider added:

“Yes it’s all true. Heaney is back and, going by the swooning in the queue outside the Spar in Draperstown this morning, so are the women. It just made total sense. The fact that he’s now all toned up after a few years of pumping iron makes him an even more attractive product.

Tensions in the Irish News sports department were said to be palpable, with rival journalists Archer, Crossan and O’Kane all spotted wearing gym gear over the weekend, and the latter having reportedly spent over £12 on hair products in Boots yesterday in Antrim town after the game in Glenavy.

Extra New Secret Rules For Gaelic Football Should ‘Spice Up The Game’

899334In addition to a series of new easy-to-understand rules already being implemented for the start of the league, the GAA authorities have managed to slip in a plethora of surprise changes which should ‘spice up the game’, according to Playing Rules Committee PR Tam O’Rourke. 

One of the most controversial changes is the rule that “if you catch the ball left-handed between the midfield and the 45m of the opposition’s half, and land on both feet simultaneously or within 0.05 seconds of each other, facing away from your own goals, whilst raising three fingers on your right hand, you will be awarded a free kick from a 45 degree angle to your nearest opponent as long as that opponent is also either airborne or looking towards the sky with both eyes, and that the ball was kicked towards the recipient with conviction”.

O’Rourke explained:

“This should re-ignite out love for the the lost art of one-handed catches and stop Ulster players passing the ball around and keeping it and all. In terms of kicking the ball with conviction, a look into the eyes of the kicker of the ball, as he kicks it, should be enough to ascertain his intentions. It’s spicy. It’ll spice it up.”

Additionally, anyone sin-binned can only speak in Irish to team mates whilst in the bin. For the first time in high level sports, a bin will actually be used for black card recipients with rumours that it’ll be a green recycling one to help the environment.

Another rule which should be easily implemented is that only players under 15 stone are allowed to take sideline kicks.

Already, seven inter-county referees have begun seeking counselling even before a ball has been kicked.

Belgians Finally Admit Brussels Sprouts Were A Joke

sauteed-brussels-sprouts-horizontal-1533853300After 500 years of pretending to like them, the Belgian nation have finally admitted that Brussels Sprouts were all a big joke and that they were tired of it now. 

The sprouts, whose distinctive taste has been described as something you’d likely to experience if you licked a toilet bowl, have been a staple feature of Irish dinner tables since the early 1900s despite pleas from children not to ruin the day.

Belgian minister Henry Poirot admitted today that enough was enough and that it was time to wise up:

“I think the joke had worn thin at the turn of the century but we let it run what with the recession and all and the need for light relief. But with Brexit on the horizon, we feel it’s time to let you all know that we were only codding. We hate them.”

Over 19 million sprouts were bought in Tyrone just last week with fights breaking out all over the county’s supermarkets with children refusing to accept another year of sprout eating hours after their happiest morning of the year.

Meanwhile, Santas across the county have been accused of forsaking the spirit of Christmas after charging up to £100 a go for children to sit on their lap to get a selection box and a pile of crayons.

Francie Molloy’s Seat Stolen Overnight By Old Singing Man In Digger

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Francie’s seat

Despite comfortably holding his seat in Mid Ulster again today, Sinn Fein’s Francie Molloy had to stand all day after someone in a JCB stole his seat from his offices in Gulladuff at around 5am this morning. 

Molloy, who turns 69 next week, was said to be ‘a bit sore’ after refusing to sit until his chair is returned.

Witnesses in the area claim to have spotted an man in his 70s driving a digger around the area for three hours after the election vote closed, singing hymns and psalms to a high standard.

A Sinn Fein spokeman added:

This is petty. Francie has had that seat for years and it is well worn in the shape of himself. To steal his seat on the day he retained his seat is spiteful. All Francie wants to do is sit down on the seat and get to work.”

This is the fourth attempt and first successful mission to steal Molloy’s seat. All three previous attempts were foiled when the assailant’s version of ‘How Great Thou Art’ from a moving digger alerted the police.

Sinn Fein have offered a reward for any information on the theft up to the value of £25m in notes.

Listening To Nathan Carter Makes Cows Produce Better Milk Says Scientists

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Cow enjoying Carter

Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk. 

Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.

Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:

“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.

Jokes On Apprentices To Be Punished With Fines Says Employment Watchdog

3e167faf-f0b4-43c0-b2bd-2ceeebb06123_x365Practical jokes carried out on new workers will be categorised as emotional abuse under fresh terms and conditions set out by the employment watchdog WORKFLAKE.

In a comprehensive list of examples, on the spot £60 fines will be enforced if any apprentices are asked to do the following tasks:

 

 

 

  • Get a bucket of steam
  • Get tartan paint
  • Get a skirting board ladder
  • Get a long stand or long weight
  • Get ice making solutions
  • Get a bag of sparks for the welder
  • Get 6 ft of fallopian tubing
  • Get a glass hammer
  • Get a left handed screwdriver
  • Get a bubble for a spirit level
  • Get a sky hook
  • Get bags for a Dyson Hoover
  • Get new beeps for the security gates
  • Get a short circuit
  • Get some earth faults
  • Get a cordless extension
  • Get some virtual memory
  • Get a leg of liver
  • Get some elbow grease
  • Get some cheap brazen tarts
  • Get a saddle for a disc jockey
  • Get some legs of salmon
  • Get some compressed air
  • Buy some IP addresses
  • Get a lb of turkey lips
  • Get a bucket of daylight

Although the last person to fall for one of these tricks was in 1998, workplaces have been asked to tighten up on such matters.

 

Tattyreagh Dog Mistakenly Reverses And Does Donuts In Owner’s Car For Three Hours

maxresdefaultA Labrador from Tattyreagh was rescued from his owner’s car this evening after mistakenly shifting the automatic car’s gear into reverse, going around in circles for three hours in an estate on the Blackfort Road, at a decent speed. 

9 year old Larry was described as ‘dazed, hungry, constipated and a bit bewildered’ after the car was eventually stopped by a neighbour who initially thought it was just some young lads who liked doing donuts for long periods.

Patsy McGoldrick added:

“After about two hours of the car doing donuts I thought it was a bit excessive as I couldn’t hear Final Score on the TV. On three hours I headed out and was met with poor Larry with his head out the window and his tongue hanging out and the car going around in circles.”

It emerged that Larry accidentally knocked the car into reverse after it was left running by its elderly neighbour who went to the toilet for four hours himself. 

Larry was given a slap-up meal of sausages and potatoes and went to the toilet straight after.

PSNI have warned automatic vehicle owners of the dangers of having a dog in a car when the car is left running. Last year Cathal, a Collie from Dregish, drove an automatic Datsun Sunny from Killyclogher to Strabane after its owner headed into the bar for a pint of Lilt.

 

Drawn Tyrone Club Games To Be Settled With Irish Dance-Off In 2020

imagesPlayers up and down the county have signed up to Irish dancing classes after it emerged that all drawn games next year will be settled by Irish dancing between 5 players on each side. 

After repeated criticisms over the penalty shoot-out debacle which saw Tyrone’s Fermanagh side, Trillick, lose their place in the Ulster Championship, the Tyrone County Board have decided to have a dance-off which they claim adheres to the GAA’s ethos of promotion of Irish culture.

PRO Danny McRichard explained:

“Aye it’s true. Teams can decide to do either solo dancing or group dancing like the Walls of Limerick. We expect to see 10 men dancing in some form at the same time, all over the park.”

The best dancing team will be adjudicated by a panel of expert Irish Dancing teachers from neighbouring counties.

Already, players such as Niall Sludden, Petey Harte and Colm Cavanagh have already been spotted dancing up at Garvaghey under floodlights. Coalisland’s Hamspey requested he do hip-hop but it was denied.

Meanwhile, Omagh is currently under water. Anyone with fins has been asked to come to the town hall for instructions as to how to bring rations to old people in the area.

DUP And UUP Merge In South Tyrone To Form DUUUUUPED Electoral Team

Publication22The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’. 

Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:

“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”

The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.

Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.

Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.

Urney Man Told To Stop Breathing Heavily/Nose-Whistling By Wife

NoseWhistleAn Urney accountant has enrolled in Stabilised Breathing Classes at the Strabane Marital Strife Centre after his wife told him that if he doesn’t stop breathing like that she’s off. 

Pat O’Connell, who admits he breathes heavy after a few beers or if he has put on a lock of pounds, sounded a warning to all Tyrone men that women in the county are currently uprising against heavy breathing not just at night but even when sitting watching TV:

I didn’t know I was whistling through my nose at all til she pointed it out. Apparently I ruined a complete episode of Emerdale Farm on Thursday by breathing the whole way through it. We watched Grand Designs after it and I held my breath for 20 minutes.”

Churches throughout the county are looking into ‘Whistling Rooms’ where men with nasal complications can sit in free from dirty looks and ridicule.

In other news, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be a bit ‘cuter’ next year after they were drawn with Donegal. In a post-Brexit environment, customs have promised to check sandwiches and tea for signs of smugglement, especially regarding Tayto and corned beef which the Republic are said to possess superior versions of.

Stewartstown Women’s Rights Activist Group Admit Stealing Manholes

847372-manhole-1ERFSW (Equal Rights For Stewartstown Women) have admitted they stole 23 manholes from the Stewartstown and Cookstown area at the weekend under the cover of darkness. 

Spokesperson for the new group, Mary Devlin, maintains that this is just the start of a much needed fight back against neutral things that have been masculine for centuries.

“Why not womanholes? We don’t want them to be called womanholes, like, but we’re just pointing out the madness of it all. Peopleholes is acceptable so it is. And don’t start me about Neil Armstrong and his mankind talk. The next time I see him he’ll know about it. We’re thinking of giving the fingers to the International Space Station the next time it flies over. And I’ll wallop the next person who says I manhandled them.”

ERFSW have already launched a legal bit to get all ‘manslaughter’ charges renamed as well as ‘manpower’ banned from the Oxford English Dictionary. They will also return all peopleholes next week and have promised to pump funds into any claims for flat tyres caused by the missing holes.

Meanwhile, Tyrone men have been voted the ‘Most Likely To Have Blonde Highlights’ for the sixteenth year in a row by the international magazine Cosmopolitan.

 

Housewives Despondent After Brolly Axe

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50 Shades of Brolly

Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game. 

Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.

A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:

This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”

RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.

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