The major universities in Ireland have issued a joint statement, outlining their fears that the new ‘Ulster-Scots Language A-Level’ will see too many applicants in future years after every P3 child in the six counties achieved top marks in the new subject.

The new A-Level included the following question as an opener:

1. If you have a lock of spuds, do you have no spuds or many spuds? (40 marks)

Queen’s University Entrance officer Dr Hector Hero explained:

“I’d be a wee bit worried that every P3 has an A-Level already. One of the questions was – What does ‘aye’ mean: Dog, yes or pothole? I’m not sure if this A-Level is robust enough. I’m also worried about the Degree in Ulster Scots that the P5s are already doing.”

Another of the 40-markers was:

“If I’m a crabby wee baldy glipe, am I happy, grumpy or indifferent?”

The DUP’s willingness to embrace new traditions has taken a new positive curve in the road after Emma Little-Pengelly was seen necking pints of stout in Tessie’s in Clonoe with Michelle O’Neill on a Sunday night, finishing up with a heated row outside Paddy Burger’s Van at 3am over the Wolfe Tone’s best songs, whilst ordering a cheesy chip and a burger with brown sauce.

Pengelly, who was born up the road in Markethill, was described as being ‘full of the craic’ and pure mad into the Sunday Game which was showing on the small black and white TV in the pub at the crossroads in Clonoe.

Although O’Neill had initially invited Pengelly for an afternoon tea in Michelle’s homeplace, the DUP juggernaut suggested going for a pint before she headed back to the city. Six hours later, the Armagh woman had won five pool games, three darts matches and an arm wrestle against the principal of the local Irish-speaking primary school.

Locals refused to comment on the night, but one Tessie’s resident admitted:

“That blade one to watch. She knows her rebel songs alright.”

In other news, an otter was spotted in Derrytresk which resembled John the Baptist. There will be a vigil at the pitch tomorrow night.

Trillick this evening confirmed that they will run two Masses on the morning of the county final to counteract the Errigal Mass organised for 11am in Garvaghy on Sunday.

The Trillick Masses, one at 7am and another at 11.30am, will allow fog horns to be blown during musical interludes at their second Mass as well as flag-waving, after Errigal encouraged club colours to be worn during their Mass.

The brainchild behind the Trillick double-Mass, Getty Sunken, has also asked permission from the Bishop to allow parishioners to shout abuse at the priest, to warm up for the match itself:

“Yes, we’re hoping we can hurl abuse at the clergy to make sure we’re fully vocally prepared for the big game. Nothing too obscene, just stuff like ‘are ye f**kin blind’ if he stalls when reading. It’s for the common good.”

Already, over 80 Trillickians have signed up for both Masses.

In other news, a pothole claimed another victim down a rampart in Castlecaulfield today. Mary McGlute (61) broke her ankle on the pothole whilst running after ticket seller.

It has emerged this weekend that several GAA clubs in Saudi Arabia have made offers of a three-year deal to several Tyrone players since their elimination from the Championship by Kerry, with Al Bahah Pearses also confident of landing a few retired players in Mulligan, Canavan, and McMenamin.

Sources close to the club have intimated that Sakakah O’Rahillys are in the latter stages of securing a 5-year deal for Darragh Canavan, with extras thrown in such as a pile of Rolex watches and unlimited spices. Dammam Emmets have also tabled a bid for Brian Kennedy and have assured him that they’ll play the sound of the Lough at night in his house and present 2000 midges a day to prevent any form of home-sickness setting in.

Saudia Arabia GAA spokesman and former player Yousuf ‘the butcher’ Tunayan maintains that it’s only a matter of time before their league is shown on RTE instead of the traditional championship:

“It’s only a matter of time before our league is shown on RTE instead of the traditional championship.”

Jeddah Colmcilles are about to initiate negotiations to get David Clifford over permanently moving to Saudi and have promised to not have any Stewartstown players on their team. Already three Stewartstown players have been sent home from the country for drinking beer outside the training ground on their first day and fighting with the man trying to give them 1000 lashes.

In something akin to a passage in a Jonathan Swift novel, Tyrone’s only Conservative politician, Sir Charles Urquhart Nathaniel-Thompson addressed a rally in Cabragh and told how the ‘fine people of Tyrone should be eating insects’, citing costs savings to be achieved from such ventures.

Sir Nathanial Thomspon spoke of how and why this ‘lifestyle change’ should happen:

“Tyrone is full of big spiders and daddy long legs.  At this time of year, there are all sorts of weird and wonderful insects and invertebrates to be found, and indeed they can be easily scraped from the lights of the front of one’s car, of an evening.  By god, one does not even have to keep them frozen of a cold night, but may just collect them the next morning.  Yes they might taste a bit smokey or petrol fumey, but we all must make sacrifices in these times of austerity”

He went on to state that jam jars with water in them provide a great source of insects, but refused to be drawn on whether he is pressing for an emergency bill to rush through a jam jar tax, or that he had given lucrative jam jar contracts to his wife’s newly established firm.

During the poorly attended rally, he told the three or four gathered that surviving on insects meant more disposable income to blow on heating costs.

We caught up with him enjoying a steak dinner in Quinn’s Corner to ask him if he was serious and he told us to go away or he would release the hounds.

In what has been described as ‘another kick in the nuts in 2022’, Tyrone GAA have requested a meeting with the Orange Order to clarify why Tyrone flags were absent from their bonfires this year.

The 11th night bonfires, which are usually adorned with items of hate by the builders, are often an accurate gauge of successes within the nationalist communities from sport and politics to religion and music.

A Garvaghey spokesman explained his disbelief at the insult caused by the lack of Tyrone flags on the hate pyres:

I think this is a wake-up call for all associated with Tyrone GAA. There were even Derry flags and Armagh flags on the bonfires in Tyrone. It was humiliating. The Orange Order hate nearly everything but not us this year it seems. It’s like we’re irrelevant.

It is expected that pictures of this year’s bonfires will be pinned to the changing rooms for the first collective training session for next season by Dooher and Logan.

Meanwhile, archeologists have unearthed fossils which indicate that there were traffic wardens in Coalisland over 1000 years ago.

The Queen of England denied Coalisland’s application for city status after walking through the town on Google Maps and being aghast at the lack of official parking facilities, as well as the roundabout not being big enough or just even used.

Additionally, it emerged that a Dungannon man, nicknamed Tee Colton, sabotaged the bid after writing to Buckingham Palace slagging Coalisland about its lack of castles and swimming pools.

An angry Coalisland man who has lived in the town since 1929, and took part in the infamous cinema brawl after Rocky 3 was shown in the picture house, summed up the mood of the town:

“Fcuk her. Coalisland is the centre of the county, the province and possibly the world. We don’t want her and her horses looking for parking and them shiteing all over our beautiful roads. And as for Colton, that’s the last time I’ll shop in Wellworths.”

Brackaville is tabling a bid for city status in 2028 by tidying up the golf course and chasing the goat away from the 5th hole.