Category Archives: GAA
The GAA are currently poring over ways to make the outcome of drawn games look more Irish, with recitals and novelty acts leading the way according to a GAA Senate insider.
With the Galway/Armagh finish whipping up a furious backlash on social media at the weekend after Galway edged Armagh on penalties, GAA authorities have urged its secret voting hierarchy to come up with ideas that will prevent future comparisons with soccer.
Insiders have informed us that the notion was considered last week, with the Bard of Armagh and a Galway poet secretly contacted to compose a piece to be read out on Croke Park in the event of a draw. The referee, linesmen, and umpires were to decide on the winner by gathering in the middle of the field and talking about it for 15 minutes. The plan was abandoned after it emerged the Bard was actually from Eglish.
The GAA Senate is to trial the new initiative during the Tyrone Junior Championship and has already informed all clubs to get working on a short play or long poem in the case of a draw.
Meanwhile, Begley’s in Dungannon have not commented on the accusation that they recently made 1000s of Derry flags but sold them as Tyrone flags.
In what could be the start of a series of sanctions either side of the Blackwater, Armagh farmers, in an effort to unsettle their bush-dwelling neighbours, have ceased selling apples to Tyrone vendors and the general Red-Hand public as of today, 26th May – a full 10 days before both counties meet in a winner-takes-all back door game in the Athletic grounds.
Homes throughout Tyrone will have to forgo apple pies, apple crumbles and just apple-eating in general for the foreseeable future due to the draconic sanctions which have been allegedly attributed to McGeeney and his backroom team.
Thousands of Tyrone school children left home this morning in floods of tears, having to do with pears and mangos instead of their traditional apple and a lump of cheese.
Pat McHurl from Ardboe, who has been eating apples since he was about 3, fumed:
“If this is how they want to play it, bring it on. Tyrone airspace and waters are a no-go area from now on for Armagh ones with their drones, pigeons and boats. I saw a boy from Maghery veer towards the Washingbay in his boat this morning and he received two air rifle pellets as a warning inches above his head. Pigeons with Armagh heads on them are legitimate targets.”
Local politicans have appealed for calm as there are still 10 days left.
The Queen of England denied Coalisland’s application for city status after walking through the town on Google Maps and being aghast at the lack of official parking facilities, as well as the roundabout not being big enough or just even used.
Additionally, it emerged that a Dungannon man, nicknamed Tee Colton, sabotaged the bid after writing to Buckingham Palace slagging Coalisland about its lack of castles and swimming pools.
An angry Coalisland man who has lived in the town since 1929, and took part in the infamous cinema brawl after Rocky 3 was shown in the picture house, summed up the mood of the town:
“Fcuk her. Coalisland is the centre of the county, the province and possibly the world. We don’t want her and her horses looking for parking and them shiteing all over our beautiful roads. And as for Colton, that’s the last time I’ll shop in Wellworths.”
Brackaville is tabling a bid for city status in 2028 by tidying up the golf course and chasing the goat away from the 5th hole.
In a unique series of events, Tyrone managers Logan and Dooher will have to nominate 3 players to inherit the overturned Armagh bans as new GAA rules state that bans are not allowed to disappear and must be consumed elsewhere, at the discretion of Croke Park.
The shock news reached Garvaghey last night as the Tyrone squad sat down to watch the video of their weekend’s win over Fermanagh followed by this week’s episode of Derry Girls which Dooher insists they watch. An insider informed us that McCurry was so enraged he threw his salted popcorn at the screen.
The Tyrone management have been given 48 hours to nominate three players to receive a one match ban for Armagh’s indiscretions again Donegal last month. They are not allowed to appeal the bans as Rule 22.214.171.124 states “any attempt to appeal transferred bans will result in relegation as well as weekly ridicule on The Sunday Game for 2 months, and either Gough or McQuillan to referee their games for 4 years”.
Croke Park have already warned Tyrone not to be nominating players who have already recently retired as they could easily check the papers to see who they were.
As of this morning, several ‘Welcome To Hell’ signs have been spotted erected around the road up to Brewster Park as well as ‘Hugo is Shite’ slogans daubed on walls, as Fermanagh prepares to take on the All-Ireland Champions Tyrone in Enniskillen on Saturday evening.
The Fermanagh Ultras Supporters Trust Unity (FUSTY) have confirmed that they will up the ante on Saturday with special chants such as ‘are you Derry in disguise?’ and ‘the mountains of Pomeroy don’t exist’. FUSTY is also claiming an early victory after recommending that Joe McQuillan referee the game, which was confirmed this week. Joe lives just over the Fermanagh border and famously had a penchant for Fermanagh women in his teens.
FUSTY spokesman Peadar Maguire added:
“The Tyrone ones are in for some shock. We’ve plans to bring bushes with us and set fire to them to get them riled up. They’re always going on about their bushes but we’ve our lakes. Who goes around Ireland to look at bushes, like? Fermanagh by 4 and Joe to be shouldered off the field.”
Trillick ones have been asked to make a call on who to support by both Ultras and Mattie Donnelly may sit this one out.
In order to prevent any high jinks from the dastardly men from the bushes, Kerry GAA have employed a well known sniper from the Irish Army who, in one day, sniped 24 blackbirds which were pecking the foil off the top of milk bottles in 1984.
Although water breaks have been abolished, the highly suspicious Kingdom want to make sure that any devious plans being concocted up in Garvaghey this week are quashed immediately, with Kerry defensive coordinator Paddy Tally from Galbally reportedly listing, forcibly against his will, all the things the Red Hands devised during his time as Tyrone trainer in the early 00s.
The changing rooms have also been permanently locked for two weeks in case a rascal from the north of the country manages to sabotage the stereo system and blare out Hugo or Philomena just as Jack O’Connor dishes out last minute instructions to his charges.
Kerryman Dingle O’Dwyer explained:
“Let’s call a spade a spade here. We want to send these hoors down. The pain they’ve inflicted upon us for 20 years still keeps us awake at night, even when we’re full. Sometimes during the day I have dreams of Ricey running about grinning and Gooch having no eyeballs. They’re not making a dick outta us again with the arty dark stuff.”
In other news, there were strong winds and eerie sounds heard in Ballygawley last night. Three witches were initially reported to be roaming the ramparts. It later turned out to be three Dungannon girls making their way home after a session in Quinn’s.
Strabane have made the news once again after a 54-year-old mathematics teacher spent just over three hours trying to find the end of a Selloptape, missing an entire film he had been looking forward to in the process.
Johnny McIlhennon, who broke the record set by a Columbian trader in 1988, almost gave up after two hours of searching for the end, flinging the tape at a wall and calling it a ‘hateful b**tard’ and a ‘sticky oul tramp’.
His wife, Mary (68), phoned the Guinness World Record crowd for verification:
“Yes, they said it’s a record. This is the second time he has made that book, after breaking the record for trying to find the end of a bin liner for 85 minutes. The only disappointing thing is that he missed Rocky I which he had been looking forward to for ages. Not sure if it will ever be on again.”
McIlhennon’s frustration was furthered after he was unable to tape the window back up with the Selloptape after he’d smashed it trying to open it with a crowbar.
In other news, a wind farm owner in Claudy said it was his best weekend ever.
A letter, which was left in a photocopier in an office in Croke Park, has been circulated to various media outlets confirming that the GAA have offered the referee who gives the most red cards in 2022 a free weekend in Bundoran with unlimited playing chips at the slot machines.
At the start of the season, it has been mooted that authorities were worried that referees were neglecting sending off players in favour of black and red cards in recent years but were also reticent about directly ordering refs to red card all offences that look a bit rough.
The carrot of a free weekend in Bundoran at the height of the summer has already reaped early results with players seeing the line on a regular basis, including for ‘looking aggressively’ at officials, opposition players, and teammates. Recently, a high-profile manager was sent off for drinking a water bottle in a manner that could be interpreted as menacing.
David Gough, despite being a front-runner for the prize, could have sown up the holiday by justifiably sending off 18 players on Sunday in Armagh, according to a fellow referee who wished to remain anonymous:
“I couldn’t believe Gough chickened out. Had that been me, at least 12 Tyrone players and half a dozen Armagh ones would have been getting the early shower. He’ll never get a better chance.”
Windmill GAC Asked By FIFA To Compete In South American World Cup Qualifiers To Put Manners On Locals
Famed east Tyrone side Windmill GAC, who have never stopped training since their demise 30 years ago ‘just in case‘, has finally received a request to assemble the troops and embark on a 9000-mile journey to South America to play Paraguay, Uruguay and Bolivia in a 4-team tournament before the 2022 World Cup.
The call from international soccer body FIFA comes after a rash of red cards in a series of matches over the weekend in the qualifying tournament for the 2022 World Cup. VAR analysis has confirmed that most cases involved overacting from innocuous challenges, something which has angered soccer authorities on the Latin American continent.
FIFA spokesperson Audi Hammyton explained:
“We’ve had the Windmill on speed dial since they sorted out the West German side of 1982 after that tackle on the French boy. This is slightly different. We want the modern footallers down here given something to be genuinely rolling about the grass for. We’ll tell the refs that cards are only to be issued for breaks or heavy bleeding, and even at that used sparingly.”
WIndmill have already begun a short training programme in preparation for the first match against Uruguay on St Patrick’s Day. Spanish classes have been well attended, with the ‘slagging lessons’ at full capacity.
The Tyrone County Board has reassured Junior clubs in the county that Windmill have not applied to compete locally, yet.
A photo has emerged showing the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson attending the 2020 All Ireland Final between Mayo and Dublin which was played before zero spectators due to restrictions at the time.
Johnson, who admitted to modeling his look on a 1984 picture of Plunkett Donaghy he saw in his aunt’s house in Eglish, watched the entire game last December before heading to Coppers nightclub, which was also officially closed at the time, to get wasted on Bulmers.
A Croke Park steward, who wished not to be named, explained how Johnson didn’t really pay attention after Con O’Callaghan’s goal in the 23rd minute of the final. Brendan Joyce added:
“Yeah, he wasn’t really paying attention and just kept playing Candy Crush and stuff on his phone, raising his head now and again to shout ‘hurrah’. I think he just likes breaking rules, like.”
Johnson was kicked out of Coppers at 3am after a brawl despite being the only punter in the place.
A Downing Street spokesperson defended the British PM:
“What? The All Ireland Final? He thought it was some kind of Anglo-Irish meeting about Brexit. This is news to him.”
Johnson was unavailable for comment.
To celebrate the International Year of Languages, the Ulster Council has instructed both Armagh and Tyrone county boards that players on both sides must speak in Ulster-Scots throughout the game next week or they’ll be thrown out of next year’s competition and replaced with Rathlin and Coney Island.
Already, Armagh manager Kieran McGeeney has set up three workshops this weekend for his charges, in which phrases such as ‘thon’s a wile footerin yer doing wi thon ball ye hallion’ and ‘thon day wid founder ye’ will be taught to the Orchard men.
Although the Tyrone squad are currently holidaying in America, Fergal Logan made all his players converse in Ulster-Scots whilst riding on a helter-skelter during a funfair visit in Orlando. According to sources, Ronan McNamee was overheard saying to a barman afterwards, ‘I’ve a quare drooth on me, forbye foundered in these half-troosers‘.
McGeeney and Logan have asked the Ulster-Scots Association for translations of certain phrases particular to their county such as ‘red diesel’, ‘diffing’ ‘and ‘off-licence’. A rep from the society will attend training sessions next week to help.
- McGeary says ‘f**k’ on BBC – At long last the Tyrone vernacular was aired on mainstream TV during prime time. This should have been printed on the t-shirts instead of that other quote after the Kerry game.
2. Conn Kilpatrick slowly removes ripped top – women up and down the country swooned as the Edendork man peeled off the torn top in a well-rehearsed move. McCurry tried it two minutes later but the cameras were still on Kilpatrick.
3. Cathal McShane makes singing debut on lorry in Coalisland – forget about the Adele special on the TV recently. McShane belting out numbers on the back of a lorry was something very few in the crowd will be able to forget.
4. Peter Canavan’s granddaughter having more hair – it was a special image when Peter Harte posed for a picture with his daughter and father-in-law. Peter looked like a big baby instead.
5. Mattie Donnelly allowing Beggan to dispossess him from behind on his own 20m line – a fantastic yet wily gesture from the Trillick legend. Monaghan, not used to generosity from the Red Hands, never recovered from that moment.
One of the partygoers at the Downing Street party last Christmas has admitted that the party turned sour early on anyway after a bodhrán player broke into a solo version of the Boston Hornpipe.
The illegal party, which threatens to see multiple resignations in the coming days, was said to be going well after Michael Gove gave a rousing rendition of Dirty Old Town and Matt Hancock pelted out Grace to floods of tears.
The bodhrán player, said to have been Jeremy Hunt, misjudged the mood and broke into a solo hornpipe which lasted 6 minutes, by which time several revellers had left and headed to Boris Johnson’s flat for after-drinks.
Our source, who looked like Dominic Raab, added:
“I thought the accordian player was a mood-killer but the bodhrán, frig me, I couldn’t get out quick enough. I’m sure it’s nice sometimes, but not at a secret party.”
Hunt, who picked up a bodhrán at the airport in Dublin in 2017, has yet to be invited to a party since, including a Pogues tribute night in Windsor Castle last month.
A war is brewing between an Armagh bakery and the Tyrone County Board after it was revealed that most of the Tyrone Board have blamed Irwin’s bread, which has seen soda farls rise in price from £1.13 to £1.15 in the local Sainsbury’s in the last year, resulting in a £5 hike in the stream for a Tyrone County Final match from a first-round game.
Soda farls, a staple diet of players such as Iggy Jones, Kevin McCabe, John Lynch, Sean Teague and Philip Jordan, have risen 2p in price in the last 12 months, resulting in 3 floodlights in Garvaghy being turned off between the hours of 5pm and 7pm.
A fan of Irwin’s bread, Mr Anthony Fearon, claimed:
“This is pure Armagh and Portadown discrimination by them Tyrone hoors. The County Board in Tyrone raised them prices to cover the trip to Downings for the whole squad. I stand by Irwins, and soda farls in general.”
Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board will provide copies of the AIF for an excellent Christmas present. DVDs cost £80 with a privatised message from Tyrone from Coronation Street for an extra £100.
Sources have confirmed that the English PM Boris Johnson made an unexpected break across the Blackwater in an attempt to catch sight of either Darren McCurry or Sam Maguire, both highly desired icons in the northern hemisphere.
To his delight, Johnson encountered both the Dazzler and the cup in a boutique in Dungannon which McCurry was visiting to get kitted out for the All Star awards in December. The Edendork sharpshooter had coincidentally brought Sam Maguire along to make sure he could lift it when wearing a tight-fitting shirt.
Although no photos exist of the occasion, onlookers described how Johnson persisted in calling McCurry ‘The Dangler’ and dropped the cup five times during a three minute conversation. Johnson proceeded to have a fish supper from a van on the Killymeal Road before heading back to Armagh.
Boris Johnson was in Armagh to commemorate 100 years of Buckfast brewing in Lurgan.
For the record, Dazzler opted for a William Westmancott Ultimate Bespoke Suit which is designed and woven in a traditional Irish mill near Killyman. Padraig Hamspey will be wearing 32-inch Wranglers and a Top Gear ’96 t-shirt.
The Korean government are currently contemplating suing a small Ardboe film studio, Ghost-Oh Productions, over their new film called ‘Eel Game’ which at first viewing appears to be a complete rip-off of the Netflix hit, Squid Game.
Eel Game’s plot surrounds the story of 100 loughshore locals who have been caught doing the double and are given a chance to get off by the bru office by playing a few games from their childhood. If you fail to win your game, you are made to sign up for the JobSeeker’s Allowance scheme.
The first game is called ‘It’s Your Birthday: Get The Shit Kicked Out Of You’, bringing back fond memories for contestants of getting the lining beaten out of them if your classmates found out it was your birthday. Another game involves licking the chocolate off a Choc Pop, leaving just the mint bit in perfect shape and condition.
A camerman from ‘Ghost-Oh Productions’ argued:
“No way lad. This is our idea. If anything the Koreans copied us and we’ll take them to court. We’ve already contacted Joe Brolly.”
Although filming has ended, all actors have been sworn to secrecy about the series although one inside source told us that one of the key scenes was when contestants put jam over themselves and made to stand naked at the Lough on a warm day and have midges ate you. One actor was taken to Magherafelt for severe bites on his arms and testicles.
Misunderstanding Stuns Fans As Garth Brooks Commits To Playing Croke Park Next Year, As A Tyrone Player
Country and Western fans are again left distraught for a second time after believing Garth Brooks had signed up to five concerts due to rumours emanating from the USA at the weekend.
It has since emerged that Brooks is bidding to make the Tyrone senior squad next year and is targeting at least five appearances at headquarters, three from the bench initially. Feargal Logan is a well known fan of the singer, boosting his chances of ousting McShane or Bradley from the starting 15.
A PR spokesman explained:
“Garth was smitten by the final last week and fancies himself as a burly corner forward. He likes the ball in low places and believes some of the players are much too young at the minute. He’s determined and when the thunder rolls, there’s no better man to leave the opposition with unanswered prayers.”
After they’ve come to terms with no concerts, the sight of Brooks in a Tyrone jersey may be too much for the c&w loving county and local medics are urging for calm.
Ironically, Brian Dooher serenaded the squad on the way from from Croke Park on Saturday Night with If Tomorrow Never Comes, leaving Ronan McNamee and Tiernan McCann in floods of tears.
A rumour that Tyrone might let Mayo win if instructed by Dooher has been ridiculed as another Tyrone dark art ruse by those closest to the Mayo team who study DVDs and moving images.
The leaked training video which shows a bearded Dooher telling his troops to ‘give this one to Mayo sure‘ did appear to possess some special effects as Dooher hasn’t had a beard in years and Ricey McMenamin seems to be one of the obscured players in the semi circle.
A top Mayo videologist maintains that the video is fake and is an attempt by the ‘Class of 2005’ to indulge one last time in the Dark Arts and mess with Mayo heads.
“It might work on Kerry, but not us. The cuteness of hoorism isn’t just up north. The west’s hoors are as cute, if not cuter. There’s no way that video is real. Sure Mugsy is in it too holding a dog and mooning at the camera man. It won’t work!”
Rumours that Mayo have already constructed a Sam Coming Home stage in Castlebar has also been ridiculed. It has since been claimed that a building firm from Strabane erected it during a lunch break last week to wind the local media up. It has still to be taken down.
Are you the cutest hoor in Tyrone? If so, get your plans in order and attend the ‘Cutest Hoor In Tyrone’ competition to be held in a field in Augher on Sunday 5th September at 3pm.
The competition is expected to see 1000s of entrants with various degrees of cute hoorism ranging from grant-swindling to stinginess when paying for drinks in the pub. Male and female hoors who are just cute are asked not to apply.
An emotional Lionel Messi has agreed to help Tyrone out if their semi-final against Kerry goes ahead, after reading a ‘heartbreaking interview’ with Brian Dooher in the Irish News.
The diminutive Argentinian has already taken part in two sessions with the county, the first of which saw him emptied by Ronan McNamee.
Concerns that his presence may see McCurry relegated to the bench were allayed after the Edendork man defeated Messi in three consecutive bleep tests.
A squad insider told us:
“There was a bit of needle between McCurry and Messi initially, with the Dazzler repeatedly shouting ‘too long’ any time Messi had the ball. On Tuesday McNamee sent Messi into the ditch with the shoulder which convinced Dooher and Logan that springing him from the bench might be a better idea. He’ll probably come on for Sludden which is a straight swap”
Messi was said to be emotional after reading Dooher’s words regarding fielding a team due to Covid issues in the Irish News which he subscribes to for the horse racing and deaths.
The Argentinian has joined the Killyclogher Hurling Club for the week in order to be eligible for the game.