Category Archives: GAA
Sources from within the Dublin camp have confirmed that the half time brawl between themselves and Tyrone was down to Tyrone turning off the immersion heater during the first half, leaving cold Dublin players without their half time shower.
The immersion switch, which is located at the end of the tunnel, was turned on by the Dublin management just before throw-in, in preparation for their half time warming session which is the norm at Croke Park.
It emerged that the switch was mischievously turned off by a Tyrone backroom member during an important play on the field. Dublin masseuse Brenda Pollan explained:
“Big Fenton went mad. He loves his warm showers and as soon as he saw the light was off he started swinging. I’ve never seen him so animated. They even wash their balls and all. Think the Tyrone boys didn’t know what the fight was about but threw digs anyway. Dark arts are still alive in Tyrone.”
Tyrone GAA have yet to respond but are known to be very careful about the immersion being on and prefer players to defrost by jumping up and down doing star jumps, as well as the heads, shoulder, knees and toes children’s dance.
Ten days of sub-standard cabbage and bacon was reportedly the final straw for Cathal McShane after it was confirmed he will stay in Tyrone for 2020 instead of Adelaide.
Preferring the bleak and miserable setting of Leckpatrick, McShane was said to be dismayed at the presentation and texture of his favourite meal of champ, three sausages, brown sauce and a bacon and cabbage combo which he has eaten every day since he was 7.
Close friend and confidante Kieran ‘Tootsie’ Bagule revealed that this was only the tip of the iceberg:
There was no Emmerdale either or nothing. Corned beef sandwiches were also almost impossible to locate in Adelaide. And the tea was shite.
He also confirmed that McShane was asked to sing an initiation song at his first training session. The fact that no one knew who Garth Brooks was after he belted out ‘Friends In Low Places’ confirmed his decision to leave.
Rumours that his Adelaide Crows teammates complained of having to wear sunglasses during meetings, due to his bright white skin colour, were said to be exaggerated.
After a recent survey confirmed that housewives were turning away from reading the Irish News in favour of Loose Women on TV and Stephen Nolan on the wireless, the newspaper giant have reportedly offered former columnist Paddy Heaney a blank cheque to write again in order to regain lost female readership.
Middle-aged Heaney, who took time off from the writing in a bid to become World’s Strongest Man before becoming embroiled in a multi-million dollar lawsuit with several bread-making establishments after he told people to stop eating bread, was pictured today in a deliberately provocative pose in the Irish News.
An Irish News insider added:
“Yes it’s all true. Heaney is back and, going by the swooning in the queue outside the Spar in Draperstown this morning, so are the women. It just made total sense. The fact that he’s now all toned up after a few years of pumping iron makes him an even more attractive product.
Tensions in the Irish News sports department were said to be palpable, with rival journalists Archer, Crossan and O’Kane all spotted wearing gym gear over the weekend, and the latter having reportedly spent over £12 on hair products in Boots yesterday in Antrim town after the game in Glenavy.
In addition to a series of new easy-to-understand rules already being implemented for the start of the league, the GAA authorities have managed to slip in a plethora of surprise changes which should ‘spice up the game’, according to Playing Rules Committee PR Tam O’Rourke.
One of the most controversial changes is the rule that “if you catch the ball left-handed between the midfield and the 45m of the opposition’s half, and land on both feet simultaneously or within 0.05 seconds of each other, facing away from your own goals, whilst raising three fingers on your right hand, you will be awarded a free kick from a 45 degree angle to your nearest opponent as long as that opponent is also either airborne or looking towards the sky with both eyes, and that the ball was kicked towards the recipient with conviction”.
“This should re-ignite out love for the the lost art of one-handed catches and stop Ulster players passing the ball around and keeping it and all. In terms of kicking the ball with conviction, a look into the eyes of the kicker of the ball, as he kicks it, should be enough to ascertain his intentions. It’s spicy. It’ll spice it up.”
Additionally, anyone sin-binned can only speak in Irish to team mates whilst in the bin. For the first time in high level sports, a bin will actually be used for black card recipients with rumours that it’ll be a green recycling one to help the environment.
Another rule which should be easily implemented is that only players under 15 stone are allowed to take sideline kicks.
Already, seven inter-county referees have begun seeking counselling even before a ball has been kicked.
After 500 years of pretending to like them, the Belgian nation have finally admitted that Brussels Sprouts were all a big joke and that they were tired of it now.
The sprouts, whose distinctive taste has been described as something you’d likely to experience if you licked a toilet bowl, have been a staple feature of Irish dinner tables since the early 1900s despite pleas from children not to ruin the day.
Belgian minister Henry Poirot admitted today that enough was enough and that it was time to wise up:
“I think the joke had worn thin at the turn of the century but we let it run what with the recession and all and the need for light relief. But with Brexit on the horizon, we feel it’s time to let you all know that we were only codding. We hate them.”
Over 19 million sprouts were bought in Tyrone just last week with fights breaking out all over the county’s supermarkets with children refusing to accept another year of sprout eating hours after their happiest morning of the year.
Meanwhile, Santas across the county have been accused of forsaking the spirit of Christmas after charging up to £100 a go for children to sit on their lap to get a selection box and a pile of crayons.
Despite comfortably holding his seat in Mid Ulster again today, Sinn Fein’s Francie Molloy had to stand all day after someone in a JCB stole his seat from his offices in Gulladuff at around 5am this morning.
Molloy, who turns 69 next week, was said to be ‘a bit sore’ after refusing to sit until his chair is returned.
Witnesses in the area claim to have spotted an man in his 70s driving a digger around the area for three hours after the election vote closed, singing hymns and psalms to a high standard.
A Sinn Fein spokeman added:
This is petty. Francie has had that seat for years and it is well worn in the shape of himself. To steal his seat on the day he retained his seat is spiteful. All Francie wants to do is sit down on the seat and get to work.”
This is the fourth attempt and first successful mission to steal Molloy’s seat. All three previous attempts were foiled when the assailant’s version of ‘How Great Thou Art’ from a moving digger alerted the police.
Sinn Fein have offered a reward for any information on the theft up to the value of £25m in notes.
Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk.
Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.
Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:
“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.
Practical jokes carried out on new workers will be categorised as emotional abuse under fresh terms and conditions set out by the employment watchdog WORKFLAKE.
In a comprehensive list of examples, on the spot £60 fines will be enforced if any apprentices are asked to do the following tasks:
- Get a bucket of steam
- Get tartan paint
- Get a skirting board ladder
- Get a long stand or long weight
- Get ice making solutions
- Get a bag of sparks for the welder
- Get 6 ft of fallopian tubing
- Get a glass hammer
- Get a left handed screwdriver
- Get a bubble for a spirit level
- Get a sky hook
- Get bags for a Dyson Hoover
- Get new beeps for the security gates
- Get a short circuit
- Get some earth faults
- Get a cordless extension
- Get some virtual memory
- Get a leg of liver
- Get some elbow grease
- Get some cheap brazen tarts
- Get a saddle for a disc jockey
- Get some legs of salmon
- Get some compressed air
- Buy some IP addresses
- Get a lb of turkey lips
- Get a bucket of daylight
Although the last person to fall for one of these tricks was in 1998, workplaces have been asked to tighten up on such matters.
A Labrador from Tattyreagh was rescued from his owner’s car this evening after mistakenly shifting the automatic car’s gear into reverse, going around in circles for three hours in an estate on the Blackfort Road, at a decent speed.
9 year old Larry was described as ‘dazed, hungry, constipated and a bit bewildered’ after the car was eventually stopped by a neighbour who initially thought it was just some young lads who liked doing donuts for long periods.
Patsy McGoldrick added:
“After about two hours of the car doing donuts I thought it was a bit excessive as I couldn’t hear Final Score on the TV. On three hours I headed out and was met with poor Larry with his head out the window and his tongue hanging out and the car going around in circles.”
It emerged that Larry accidentally knocked the car into reverse after it was left running by its elderly neighbour who went to the toilet for four hours himself.
Larry was given a slap-up meal of sausages and potatoes and went to the toilet straight after.
PSNI have warned automatic vehicle owners of the dangers of having a dog in a car when the car is left running. Last year Cathal, a Collie from Dregish, drove an automatic Datsun Sunny from Killyclogher to Strabane after its owner headed into the bar for a pint of Lilt.
Players up and down the county have signed up to Irish dancing classes after it emerged that all drawn games next year will be settled by Irish dancing between 5 players on each side.
After repeated criticisms over the penalty shoot-out debacle which saw Tyrone’s Fermanagh side, Trillick, lose their place in the Ulster Championship, the Tyrone County Board have decided to have a dance-off which they claim adheres to the GAA’s ethos of promotion of Irish culture.
PRO Danny McRichard explained:
“Aye it’s true. Teams can decide to do either solo dancing or group dancing like the Walls of Limerick. We expect to see 10 men dancing in some form at the same time, all over the park.”
The best dancing team will be adjudicated by a panel of expert Irish Dancing teachers from neighbouring counties.
Already, players such as Niall Sludden, Petey Harte and Colm Cavanagh have already been spotted dancing up at Garvaghey under floodlights. Coalisland’s Hamspey requested he do hip-hop but it was denied.
Meanwhile, Omagh is currently under water. Anyone with fins has been asked to come to the town hall for instructions as to how to bring rations to old people in the area.
The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’.
Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:
“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”
The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.
Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.
Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.
An Urney accountant has enrolled in Stabilised Breathing Classes at the Strabane Marital Strife Centre after his wife told him that if he doesn’t stop breathing like that she’s off.
Pat O’Connell, who admits he breathes heavy after a few beers or if he has put on a lock of pounds, sounded a warning to all Tyrone men that women in the county are currently uprising against heavy breathing not just at night but even when sitting watching TV:
I didn’t know I was whistling through my nose at all til she pointed it out. Apparently I ruined a complete episode of Emerdale Farm on Thursday by breathing the whole way through it. We watched Grand Designs after it and I held my breath for 20 minutes.”
Churches throughout the county are looking into ‘Whistling Rooms’ where men with nasal complications can sit in free from dirty looks and ridicule.
In other news, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be a bit ‘cuter’ next year after they were drawn with Donegal. In a post-Brexit environment, customs have promised to check sandwiches and tea for signs of smugglement, especially regarding Tayto and corned beef which the Republic are said to possess superior versions of.
ERFSW (Equal Rights For Stewartstown Women) have admitted they stole 23 manholes from the Stewartstown and Cookstown area at the weekend under the cover of darkness.
Spokesperson for the new group, Mary Devlin, maintains that this is just the start of a much needed fight back against neutral things that have been masculine for centuries.
“Why not womanholes? We don’t want them to be called womanholes, like, but we’re just pointing out the madness of it all. Peopleholes is acceptable so it is. And don’t start me about Neil Armstrong and his mankind talk. The next time I see him he’ll know about it. We’re thinking of giving the fingers to the International Space Station the next time it flies over. And I’ll wallop the next person who says I manhandled them.”
ERFSW have already launched a legal bit to get all ‘manslaughter’ charges renamed as well as ‘manpower’ banned from the Oxford English Dictionary. They will also return all peopleholes next week and have promised to pump funds into any claims for flat tyres caused by the missing holes.
Meanwhile, Tyrone men have been voted the ‘Most Likely To Have Blonde Highlights’ for the sixteenth year in a row by the international magazine Cosmopolitan.
Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game.
Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.
A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:
This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”
RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.
Although both Stephen O’Neill and Peter Donnelly have remained tight-lipped about their departures from the Tyrone set up in recent weeks, it has emerged that a price hike in sausage rolls last month at the Garvaghey Training Centre near Ballygawley may have been the final straw for both former members of the backroom staff.
Sources close to the county set up maintain that uncertainty over Brexit has panicked the Garvaghey kitchen staff and that, in response to this, they have increased the cost of a sausage roll by 70p to £2.20.
Donnelly and O’Neill were famed for their legendary consumption of sausage rolls, with the Coalisland trainer Donnelly scoffing up to 8 sausage rolls a day whilst shouting at players for not running harder. Former All Star O’Neill was also a prolific sausage roll devourer during his playing career, often celebrating big wins by downing a 2-foot sausage roll from the chip shop in Aughabrack.
Our source added:
“Expect more. Horse Devlin is holding out so far but it’s costing him a fortune. They’re also charging 10p a sachet now for the brown sauce.”
Meanwhile, in the absence of a strength and conditioning coach, the county board have drawn up an initial training schedule for January which involves running around the dog track in Dungannon after Dublin’s Jack McCaffrey.
Hard, thick-skinned semolina still dominates the Tyrone schoolchild’s diet according to health watchdogs after an investigation into the eating habits in canteens in the county for a hard-hitting Channel 4 show published their findings.
Additionally, sponge cake covered in pink custard appeared in over 85% of school dessert menus, often compulsory, as cooks across the county were advised to try some more adventurous dishes such as creamed rice or ice cream and wafers.
However head teachers have rejected the findings, claiming that Tyrone school children achieve high grades in exams due to their willingness to study over the lunch break rather than eat in the canteens.
Last week, a Dungannon student claimed he was served the same deformed three-legged chip two days in a row after refusing to eat it the first day. Governors at the school admitted that, although the claim may be true, it highlighted the financial constraints in education today.
Mrs Bullock added:
“We might even use that three-legged deformed chip as the cover page for our school magazine, as a sign of the times.”
Semolina has been a staple diet of Tyrone children for over 300 years and has been linked to their tendency to be under the average height for an Irish person since records began.
As well as making 15 changes to the starting team, it has been revealed that the Tyrone management team will try to confuse their opponents even further by wearing false moustaches, fake glasses and wigs
According to inside sources, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin was spotted walking around Ardboe with a pencilled moustache and NHS glasses at night time in order to get used to the experience. Meanwhile, manager Mickey Harte’s postman maintains he delivered over 30 different wigs since last week to Ballygawley, mostly ordered from Amazon.
It has also been suggested that some first team players refused to play in Harte’s wigs and were subsequently dropped. Cathal McShane was reportedly extremely vocal about refusing to wear an Elvis Presley hair and chest piece combo.
A squad player added:
“I just hope we recognise Mickey on Sunday. Apparently he’s dressing as Dolly Parton in order to completely bamboozle his opposite number, Jim Gavin. I hope it works to be honest.”
Meanwhile, Omagh groundspeople have promised to put sausages in the hot dogs this year after last year’s debacle.
Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.
Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.
Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.
It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.
Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.
A number of the Tyrone Senior GAA panel were today in a recording studio in Omagh compiling a short 2-track album of ‘The Sash My Father Wore’ and ‘The Ladies Orange Lodge’ as a gesture of reconciliation, after some of the younger players were filmed belting out a rebel song coming home from beating Cavan at the weekend.
Although none of them were actually caught singing the song that was recently heard on the Alan Partridge show, as senior members of the squad they decided to live up to their role model statuses.
A leaked video of the session in Omagh today showed Colm Cavanagh furiously but happily hammering away at a Lambeg Drum with the Donnelly brothers adept at flute accompaniment.
The squad member added:
“Who knew Colm would be great at the Lambeg too? The only downside was Petey Harte who didn’t seem to know how to play the triangle at all, always missing the beat by a good bit. He was asked to leave before the end – a musical black card of sorts which I thought was harsh.”
He also informed us that McShane sang like an angel, accompanied by McCurry who rapped a portion of The Sash to give it a modern slant.
The 2-track album will be available on Spotify by tonight and in all good record stores. A squad member confirmed tonight that all proceeds will go to the building of a massive bonfire in the middle of Carrickmore on the 11th night.
The Flags Commission have issued a final recommendation that all lamp posts be taken down for at least five years in order to address the tricky flags conundrum the group were set up to solve.
They also added that anyone wishing to fly a flag of any sort should have their own portable lamp post and walk around with it. Any unattended lamp posts will be confiscated by a lamp post watchdog committee who will lurk in all counties in unmarked cars.
The Flags Commission treasurer Chris Campbell revealed they have already started removing lamp posts in areas like Moygashel and Larne as a trial run:
“It does make the streets a bit darker we admit, but with the advent of mobile phones and health watches there should be enough light generated to complete a safe journey by foot.”
Already, three portable lamp post manufacturers have sprung up locally with the help of a grant set up by the newly formed Northern Irish Renewable Light Incentive.
Carrying his own lamp post with flag attached, Dungannon man Norman Hanson admitted the whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome:
“The whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome. God Save The Queen.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have hinted that they will give out free portable lamp posts if the senior team progress to the latter stages of the Championship this year.