Category Archives: GAA

County On High Alert As Four Pomeroy Men Named In Starting 15, Fulfilling Revelations 13:11 Prophecy

 

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Pomeroy Beast

Religious leaders have appealed for calm after it emerged that four Pomeroy players have been named in the Tyrone senior starting team to play Antrim in the McKenna Cup in Armagh tonight. 

 

Although manager Mickey Harte has been known to make last minute changes, he is coming under acute pressure to bench at least one of them by doomsday merchants within the county.

Panic was widespread last night when Pastor Evan McGenical from Greencastle announced that in the Book of Relevations there is a reference to the ‘four horned men from the mountain that’s just a hill’ and how they would ‘come forth and massacre the men from the city’, a prelude to the Second Coming himself.

Pastor Genical added:

“I know Mickey isn’t one for the Revelations but he surely sees the warning signs. I know nothing about GAA and gaelic football but even I think it’s unusual to have even one Pomeroy man on the squad, never mind four of them starting. This could be the end for Tyrone in general.”

Sources have confirmed that Armagh ground staff are considering heightening the Red Hand fear by playing the music to The Omen when Tyrone make their way onto the field tonight.

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Sir Joe Brolly May Have Secretly Accepted A Knighthood In 1993

 

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Artist’s impression of occasion

Documents found in the attic of a house in Brackaville have suggested that Joe Brolly has been a Sir since 1993, according to a Brackaville club committee man who bought the new abode at an auction in Cookstown.

 

The piece of paper, written to Brolly by Anthony Tohill in early 1994, is now on show behind a glass case in the clubrooms despite Conor Grimes asking for it to be put into a filing cabinet.

Basil Gillis remarked:

“It’s quite obvious that Tohill was in on this. He started the letter ‘Dear Joe Brolly sir, ……’ and uses ‘sir’ loads of times in many sentences. It’s clear that Tohill didn’t know where to put the ‘sir’ with him being from Swatragh and all but it’s there in black and white.”

Although Gillis is unwilling to publish his findings yet, he is convinced that most of the Derry 1993 All-Ireland winning team were knighted after he stumbled upon a 20-year reunion video and most of them were calling each other ‘sir’ all night although it sounded more like ‘sur’.

“I’m just not surprised at all. I’ve seen a few of them Derry lads walking straight into restaurants or chippies and getting served straight away which we all know is a perk of being knighted by the Queen of England.”

Tyrone Tribulations can confirm that they overheard a sideline meeting between Damien Cassidy and Damien Barton at a Tyrone club match last year and they both addressed each other with the moniker ‘sir’, albeit at the end of the sentences.

Over 1000 Amazon Echo Devices Returned In Tyrone Yesterday Over Language Barrier Differences

 

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Alexa getting rough treatment

Pub and shop owners in the county have urged people to stop giving off about Alexa after it emerged that over 1000 households in the county returned their Amazon Echo devices due to its inability to understand locals and vice versa.

 

In one extreme example, a man in his 40s from Eskra was witnessed kicking the device around his garden at 3pm on Christmas Day after it failed to understand “Alex, play the one ‘Mon Boy Light Thon Fire’ by that band The Durs” after 200 requests to do so.

Electronics expert Roger McGinnity from Omagh offered advice for locals who have yet to return their device:

“Alexa isn’t programmed to understand the subtleties of the Tyrone dialect. Asking it ‘is it coul the day?’ will confused the system and result in annoyance on both sides. My advice is to think of what you want to ask and have a dictionary nearby and mouth out the words that way. It’s still a useful device.”

The Amazon data team revealed that the most asked questions to Alexa in the county on Christmas Day were: ‘Alexa, will Trone win the All-Ireland the year?’ and ‘Alexa, are the cops nearby atall?’

Meanwhile a 43-year old man from Ardboe has proposed to the machine, surrounded by family and friends. Although Alexa was non-committal, a service will go ahead on New Year’s Eve, the first of its kind in the county.

 

13 Year Old Boy Lauded A Hero After Walking To School Despite Temperature Of Only 4 Degrees Celsius

boy-walking-school-2Despite being labelled a complete lunatic by some, 13-year-old Paul Quinn from Ardboe has been almost universally praised after facing down temperatures of less than five degrees celsius and walking 600 yards to school wearing a duffel coat and a scarf over his face.

Quinn, who had already missed three days of vital education when the school closed it doors because of wind, snow and then ice over the last month, was determined not to let another day go to waste despite the mildly cold temperature today.

His mother and teacher in the school, Mrs Mary Quinn, could only admire her son’s fortitude:

“He’s strong-willed. I didn’t go in myself. It’s hard enough teaching at the best of times, ideally 15 degrees, without fighting 4 degrees in the walk from the car park to the school. Paul’s a modern-day hero so he is.”

Unfortunately, Paul had to turn around and walk back after only one teacher turned up and one of the catering staff. Quinn also was given a 3-day detention for muttering ‘for f**k sake’ after being told the school had to close its doors again.

Meanwhile, schools in Tyrone are set to make decisions in the morning over their ability to open their premises after Frank Mitchell on UTV hinted that winds may reach 30mph in some exposed areas.

Trump Announces That US Will Recognise Ballinderry As Part Of Tyrone. Riots On The Bridge.

rwTmWZlIn a move which no one saw coming, US president Donald Trump tonight announced that the long-lasting issue of Ballinderry’s geographical location is settled on their side of the Atlantic at least. 

The small-handed leader assured his people that Ballinderry was, in fact, in Tyrone and that any titles Ballinderry won in the past are now on the Tyrone club roll of honour.

Within minutes, Ballinderryites were on the bridge attempting to burn it to stop any Tyronians getting across and laying claim to land, businesses and women. Local historian and Derry fanatic Henry McGuckian fumed:

“That orange-faced bollocks. We’re no more Tyrone than we are Icelandic. He doesn’t know what he has done here. Themuns from Moortown and Ardboe may sleep with one eye open this weekend. We’ll not go down easy, not like a Tyrone club team in Ulster.”

Trump’s unexpected declaration is now seen as an opening shot in a US war on south Derry after they refused to allow Toome to be used as a stop-over military airforce refill centre.

Meanwhile, an elderly care home in Cookstown had all its computers removed after an 88-year old pensioner was caught Googlng ‘dirty oul wemen’.

 

Glory Hunting Prince Harry To Marry One Of The Mackles From The Moy

 

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Horrible Photoshop Effort of Harry

Despite the general euphoria at the announcement of the English Prince Harry’s wedding plans, Charlie’s son has come under stern criticism at home after it emerged he’s to wed one of the Mackles from the Moy, cashing in on their success as Ulster Intermediate Champions. 

 

Harry, who has never even been to Benburb Sunday, has already reportedly enquired about tickets to the All-Ireland club semi-final and has bought a Moy jersey with the misspelt Kavanagh on the back of it.

Moy historian and anarchist Kieran Mellon admitted he has mixed emotions about the news:

“Obviously it’s great for the Mackles financially and for the Moy itself. But be under no illusion that this is a marriage on shaky foundations. Harry is glory-hunting on the back of that win in Armagh yesterday. Of that there is no doubt. And although young Marietta Mackle is one of the better looking women in the Moy, I find it hard to believe he’s genuine about this. Sure she’s only the one eyebrow. “

Harry was spotted in Tomney’s last night after 11 o’clock drinking the local cocktail ‘Young Buck’ which is a mixture of Buckfast and a spoonful of water but left as soon as Come Out You Black and Tans was sung by one of the Jordans.

Although Prince Charles was a big fan of Eileen Donaghy’s music back in the 80s, it is said that Camilla refuses to visit the hamlet due to a long running feud with the Charlemonts.

Teamtalkmag All-Stars Event Rocked By Unusual Omagh GAA Players’ Demands

 

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An Omagh WAG gets tucked in

Rose-scented toilets, no yellow M&Ms and ham from Greencastle-born pigs are just three of the unreasonable demands made by various members of the Omagh senior team which left the Teamtalkmag crew scuttling around all day to make sure events ran smoothly tonight in Bundoran. 

 

An insider at the venue leaked the unusual requests made by the county champions, with Joe McMahon surprising organisers with his acute taste.

The list included:

Joe McMahon – a gin slushy machine; food served by buxom women over the age of 50; dressing room at 34 degrees celcius; chicken legs heavily seasoned; an assortment of chewing gum and a box of toothpicks. 20 white kittens and 100 white doves as well as vitamin water to bathe his dogs in.

 
Ronan O’Neill – 1 large plush and animal print (cheetah, leopard) throw rug  for his dressing room, must be clean as he will walk on it barefoot; 4 small, clear, square vases with white tulips, no foliage (2nd choice: White Casablanca Lilies no foliage, 3rd choice: White Freesia, no foliage); 1 professional quality steamer; 1 Vicks steam inhaler and food items should be fresh and covered by clear plastic wrap at the dining table

Paddy Crozier – A jar of quality honey; plastic drinking straws; 1 pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream; 16 cans Sugar-Free Red Bull; large fresh jumbo shrimps with cocktail sauce and plenty of lemons and 1 jar of banana pepper rings

Justin McMahon just asked for one electric three wheel mobility scooter.

Kyle Coney is favourite to pick up county player of the year, with the Teamtalkmag team odds on for the GAA news outlet gong for the 19th consecutive year.

 

Tensions Surface Again In Cavanagh House After All-Star Colm Gets Extra Spud For Sunday Dinner

col-1Locals in the sleepy hamlet/village of Moy were said to be ‘walking on eggshells’ today after a Cavanagh Sunday dinner turned soured when Sean reacted badly to his brother Colm getting an extra spud for the first time since 2002.

Colm, who won Tyrone’s only All-Star at the weekend after another clinking year in the county jersey, was also seated at the head of the table, with Sean placed four seats down on one of the rickety chairs beside the radiator.

A neighbour said he knew things might cut up rough after Sean parked in Colm’s normal spot when arriving a full hour before the dinner commenced:

“You could feel the tension all day around that house. I knew it had exploded when I saw Sean on the lawn shouting something like ‘think you’re all it, don’t you?’ through the window of the main living room. I think Sean had been sent out to calm down by the wife.”

Another onlooker claimed that Sean was seen rummaging through his car boot to fetch his Player of the Year award from 2008.

“But Colm just stood at the house door smirking and playing an imaginary fiddle.”

The village has declared an ‘amber warning’ for tomorrow as the brothers tog out for training in preparation for their upcoming Intermediate semi-final.

 

St. Patricks Ballyragget To Play 23 Challenge Games In Tyrone In February/March As Hurling Continues To Boom In County

ii Ballyragget gaa6Kilkenny’s St. Patricks Ballyragget have confirmed that they have been offered over 20 invitations to play challenge games in Tyrone early next year, with all 23 newly-formed hurling clubs offering full hospitality and overnight accommodation for the team and any supporters they wish to bring.

Despite not being a hurling stronghold, Tyrone has seen a boom in the sport in the past week, ever since St. Patricks Ballyragget hit the headlines for winning the Intermediate title in great style last week.

One such club, the new Windmill Whackers, explained their decision:

“I can’t believe we didn’t realise how great this game is. And who better to learn from but St Patrick’s Ballyragget. We have decided there will be a cup awarded to the winner of the challenge game. I repeat, THERE WILL BE A CUP AWARDED. We encourage the Kilkenny lads to bring family and friends, especially friends. There’ll be a Happy Hour in the clubrooms from 5pm-11pm.”

New West Tyrone hurling club, the Aghyaran Pullers, have already erected an extra stand at their modest ground in anticipation of Ballyragget’s visit on Feb 1st, as well as an extension to their bar, renamed Fifi’s.

It is expected that many clergy will not be re-elected at club AGMs this winter for fear of over-ruling any future challenge game choice of opponents.

 

 

Top Geographer Confirms Hurricane Ophelia Blew Moy Into Armagh Permanently

 

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Moy, Co Armagh

Confusion and denial have been words to describe the feelings of the Moy residents this morning after a top geographer from England confirmed that the Moy is now in Armagh after the recent strong winds and will stay there for a few million years.

 

Satellite images from the International Space Station indicated a geographical land shift in this particular area, with most of the Moy now on the southern side of the Blackwater. Doubt is now also being cast on the legitimacy of the All Ireland wins by Tyrone in the 2000s with any points scored by Moy players reportedly struck off their final tally.

Moy-proud mother Natalie Donaghy admitted she felt something change last week:

“I woke up the morning after the storm and had a real craving for apples and cheap diesel. That night I downed two bottles of Buckfast and that never happens. I even have replaced the picture of the Pope with one of Kieran McGeeney. The earth definitely moved that night.”

Unfortunately, there are calls for the 2008 All Ireland to be awarded to Kerry and the 2005 final to be replayed after scores by Moy players were chalked off. The 2003 final, ironically against Armagh, is untouched due to bad shooting from Moy men that day. Marsden was still retrospectively sent off for punching his own man, Philip Jordan.

Meanwhile, another land shift has seen Aughnacloy moved into Monaghan but no one has batted an eyelid about that.

 

Brackaville And Newmills To Be Flattened To Make Way For Multi-Million Pound Coalisland International Race Track

 

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Artist’s Impression

Although planning approval has been granted for a £29m Coalisland race track which could play host to international motorsport competitions, residents in Brackaville and Newmills have been informed of the small print which spells bad news for them.

 

All of Brackaville and most of Newmills is to be flattened to make way for the ambitious venture, with both communities to be permanently re-located to hastily erected shanty houses in Derrytresk and Derrylaughan. For the first months, the evictees will receive a daily £20 food voucher which can be spent in Falls’ shop, excluding multipacks of crisps or 2 litre bottles of anything.

Race track co-ordinator, Becky Campbell, admitted the news might be tough to swallow initially:

 “I understand there is some anger being vented towards the plans but if we want the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel knocking around east Tyrone eating chips, something has to give. We’d thought about flattening Killyman or Lower Annagher but they represent vital thoroughfares for us to get to M1 so it’s the only sensible call. “

Wrecking balls are to begin knocking down everything in Brackaville the day after Hallowe’en with the GAA club first on the list for demolition. Locals have vowed to tie themselves naked to the gates of the pitch which has been met with a ‘go for it’ response from the driver of the crane, Coalisland’s Rosie McSherry.

Derrytresk residents are also planning a protest at the arrival of Newmills ones.

Quare Drying Weather Status Announced In Mid Ulster

1 P165Thousands of washing lines are this morning said to be under serious stress after the news that Hurricane Ophelia will hit Ulster, which initiated an unprecedented drive to get anything out that can be washed, especially the ones that can’t be tumble dried. 

Plumbridge housewife, Cecilia Quinn, admitted she washed bedclothes that didn’t really need washed at all, having got caught up in the hysteria:

“It’s not often you get hurricanes in the Plum so we have to make the most of it. I’m not sure the line will hold out as I’ve 13 duffel coats on it as well most of the settee covers and curtains. This Ophelia better be good though I’ve saved a right few quid on the tumble dryer already.”

Locals have been warned to be on high alert when driving past heavy-loaded lines as underwear and blankets could come off the pegs and restrict vision. Perverts have also been told to stay away as heavy-duty knickers may be aired today as well and could become a choking hazard.

Meanwhile, Errigal Ciaran’s bid to have the game replayed because the hurricane stopped Peter Harte’s penalty has been rejected as the storm was near Portugal at the time.

Stexit Imminent As Stewartstown Prepares To Leave Europe ASAP

 

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Stewartstown, yesterday

In what is now being labeled as a ‘lone wolf initiative’, Stewartstown have already begun the process of leaving Europe, inspired by the recent Catalonian vote as well as all the talk about Brexit, according to a shop-owner in the town.

 

A series of meetings for ‘Stexit’ have already been scheduled for next week, including what to call the new independent state, currency and passport issues.

Randy Gillis, who has run the only sweet shop in the town since 1922, admitted he’s excited about the venture:

“We have always felt different to everyone else. We’d see the Tullyhogue and Cookstown ones driving through our town and you’d get an urge to fire stones at them because of their strange accent and eyes. Sometimes we have showered them with rocks. It’s a weird feeling. This is exciting news.”

Early frontrunners for the new name includes The Independent Republic of Tintown and Stewstin.

Coagh have reacted to the news by banning all sellers of tickets for Stewartstown GAA or the newly formed Stewartstown Triangle Band, the first triangle band in Europe.

Gillis added:

“Frig them.”

Stexit is being planned for the day after Hallowe’en.

Tyrone GAA May Be Prosecuted Under Blasphemy Law After Gooch Reveals Red Hand Sledging

 

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“Well, lad.”

Irish governmental officials and Gardaí are expected to arrive in Tyrone tomorrow to question a number of Tyrone players from 2005 after it was revealed they may have indulged in some sledging directed at the gods of gaelic football, Kerry, and left some of their players in tears during the half-time break and after the final whistle. 

 

Colm Cooper, the ex-Kerry great who is regarded as some modern form of a messiah amongst his people, revealed in his forthcoming autobiography that in games against Tyrone they were subjected to serious verbals from the Ulster team’s defenders during their crucial Croke Park clashes.

A source who has read the book revealed the extent of the ‘sledging’, formally known as ‘slagging’:

“These Tyrone boys had serious mouths on them. They were saying things like ‘I’m going to win the next ball’ and ‘did you see the Eurovision last night?’ into the ears of Kerry Gods. INTO THEIR EARS! You just don’t do that to the Kindgom. Cooper couldn’t help but cry during the 2005 final after being called ‘carrot-head’ by a Dromore defender and blamed it on someone poking his eye. There’s an emotional breaking point you know.”

If convicted, a batch of Tyrone defenders may fall foul of the existing Irish Blasphemy Law, the first people to do so since 1855 when an Armagh man told a visiting Kerry referee that he was ‘blind or something‘ during a friendly in Crossmaglen.

With Joe Brolly ironically representing the Kerry case and Fergal Logan defending the Tyrone sledgers, Sky Sports have signed up to show the trial live and exclusive for £49.99 a session.

Tyrone County Board Admits Women Probably Do Exist

yuAfter a shambolic decision to arrange a men’s championship games the same day as Tyrone Ladies’ All-Ireland Final appearance, the Tyrone County Board have admitted that women actually may exist after footage from TG4 appeared to confirm their suspicions.

Tyrone ladies, despite matching Tipperary for skill and effort, fell short in their attempt to annex the Intermediate title just before Errigal Ciaran and Carrickmore locked horns in a men’s county quarter-final.

However, in an attempt to address the situation this week, the county board have revealed that women may actually exist and, even more remarkably, play football.

Tyrone Fixture Committee compiler Hugh Jackson admitted:

“Yes, we received footage from TG4 on Monday which suggests that not only do women exist but that they may actually play sport. Remarkably, men appear to watch it as well. It’s been an eye-opener to be honest, even though I was suspicious of our chairperson in the first place.”

The County Board are to investigate the issue further over the winter.

Meanwhile, TT would like to congratulate the ladies team for their brilliance this year and for giving Tyrone gaels something to cheer on into September.

Ricey McMenamin To Introduce Rottweilers & Cement To Fermanagh Training

_63823372_rmcmenamin624The news that Ryan McMenamin has been drafted into the Fermanagh Seniors backroom team has reportedly sparked fear and wonderment within the Erne squad with many young players deciding to remain solely playing club football for another year to ‘build themselves up a bit’. 

A leaked document shows how McMenamin wowed the interviewing panel with details on how he aims to get a job at Quinn’s Cement and bring some of the stuff in his pockets to training and slip in into their drinks to ‘harden them up a bit’.

The 5-point plan also detailed an adventurous training regime which included a requisition for 20 O’Neills size 5s, 20 cones, 10 red bibs, 10 yellow bibs and 6 Rottweilers.

A Fermanagh insider added:

“We’ve had seven lads remove themselves from the WhatsApp group. Some claim to have injuries that’ll need a year to clear up. Others state they’re giving the club their all in the coming 12 months. The Ricey Effect we’re calling it. Looks like we’re left with just psychos on the panel.”

Another method on the detailed document explained how McMenamin aims to take night classes in the county which involves modules such as ‘memorising the phone book’ and ‘tickling’.

Meanwhile, Cathal McCarron’s county mileage expenses for next year has reportedly resulted in a portion of Garvaghey being sold to KFC.

Sky Sports TV Begin Colonisation Of Ireland By Visiting Garvaghey. Canavan In Cahoots.

 

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Leaked Sky Projection 2020

A plan to colonise Ireland by Sky Sports has been unearthed by a junior reporter for the Tyrone Tribs after two prominent presenters left behind vital documents during a visit to the Tyrone GAA centre in Garvaghey.

 

Jeff Sterling and Chris Kamara, linchpins of Sky Sports Soccer Saturday, arrived at the Ballygawley venue supposedly to find out more about GAA in the county for their coverage of the games on satellite TV.

However, it has emerged that, with the help of Peter Canavan, it was the first shots in a planned conquest of the country by the Murdochs on a par with Cromwell in the 1650s.

The document described how Sky plan to:

  • Disable RTE feeds in every county
  • Launch a brutal smear campaign on Michael Lyster and Des Cahill
  • Proclaim Peter Canavan ‘God’ of not just Tyrone but of England, Wales and Scotland
  • Free installation of Sky in Nursing Homes
  • War

GAA fanatic and RTE fan Harry Devlin from Glenelly admitted he was shocked but not surprised at the findings:

“That Murdoch lad is a ruthless bollocks. I’m disappointed at Canavan, although some said they he has his classes in Cookstown humming the Sky Soccer Saturday theme tune instead of their traditional school song ‘Baggy Trousers’.”

Croke Park have asked for volunteers to mobilise next Saturday at Parnell Park and head towards Sky’s HQ in Dublin 4.

 

Top 3 Sean Cavanagh Moments

 

Sean Cavanagh and Dublin's Colin Moran trying to get control of this loose ball

Dublin man tries to sniff Sean

 

As the legendary Sean Cavanagh brings the curtain down on his illustrious county career, we take a look at some of his lesser known greatest hits:

  1. SHOULDER CHARGE ON FRANCIE BELLEW

Back in 2005, Tyrone and Armagh were in the midst of healthy pure hatred. Armagh were our North Korea and Francie Bellew was Kim Jong-un. In the third and most crucial game that season between the two, Francie was running about hitting boys with his knee, elbows and stuff, like normal. Sean finally decided that enough was enough that day and met Francie with a shoulder which reverberated around the stadium and whose shockwaves incidentally wrecked part of the new Cusack Stand. Bellew’s bones were still rattling as he took his seat to watch the All-Ireland final a few weeks later. After Geezer was inexplicably shown the line by his manager, a rapturous cheer erupted through Croker as the big man leapt like a Torrent trout over Coalisland to field a kickout and stride the rest of the pitch to chip over a fine coffin-nail score.

2. SHIMMY SENDS DICK CLERKIN INTO A SPIN

Two years later and Tyrone were playing Monaghan in Clones. Dick Clerkin never liked Tyrone. Some say it was because a boy from Trillick wiped his eye with a girl from Clontribret at the Gaeltacht when they were 16. I dunno. But Sean knew Dick hated us as Dick would mutter stuff like ‘red handed hoors’ during the parade. So Sean pulled his Category A shimmy, usually reserved for special occasions, and sent Dick into a spin like never before. Dick continued to spin for the rest of the game and into the changing rooms and onto the bus. At the post match meal he was still spinning and completely messed up his shirt with a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Dick still hates Tyrone. The First Glorious Shimmy some say was taught to Cavanagh by an Edendork lad slipping on black ice getting on the bus at The Academy in Dungannon, before Seán’s Armagh days. Sean first displayed this “Geezer Teaser” in his debut in 2002. It’s said three different men from Crossmaglen were left (and still are to this day) – cross-eyed at the wondrous side step and following point. There’s talk that his shimmy is to be retired in the Croke Park Museum but must be looked at through sunglasses for fear of becoming another Dick or a pile of Dicks if looked at collectively.

3. TURNING DOWN L’OREAL CONTRACT

Whilst a lot of GAA players are lured away from these shores by the promise of a career in Aussie Rules, Sean Cavanagh stayed true to his county and refused repeated attempts by L’Oreal to be their face of L’Oreal Paris Shampoo and Conditioner. Sean’s hair has been much admired by the general public since he made his senior breakthrough in 2002. Despite the holy trinity ravages of Age, Clerkin and Bellew, the Moy man has managed to maintain his untainted barnet in perfect condition much the annoyance of the McCann brothers who have tried to mimic his magnificence unsuccessfully. L’Oreal finally stopped harassing Cavanagh in 2014 when he was caught buying a can of Just For Men in Killyman although he claimed it was for Philly Jordan.

Dub Pagan Weather God Worshippers Arrested As Tyrone GAA Pitches Wiped Out During Storms

 

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Tyrone, an hour ago

A spate of arrests were carried out this evening in Dublin after a heavy storm obliterated many GAA grounds in Tyrone on Tuesday night. Barra Best and Frank Mitchell have also been questioned on suspicion of colluding with pagans in the capital. 

 

In what has been labelled a carefully executed blitz on key targets akin to something witnessed during WWII, over 55 grounds were wiped out with only Garvaghey untouched due to the careful planning and foresight by Club Tyrone officials a few years ago.

Sources in and around Dublin claim that spiritualists called upon the pre-Christian figure of Echaid to resurrect his enormous fictional horse, whose urine was so powerful and thunderous back then that it created Lough Neagh when going to the toilet one night.

Taddy Pally added:

“Echaid’s ‘pissy horse’ seems to have created havoc last night in the county, in what they christened Storm Hill 16. But I do think Barra Best and Frank Mitchell, no lovers of Tyrone, are up to their necks in this too. Them boys know how to manipulate fronts and stuff. Gavin paid them probably as well.”

Club Tyrone officials were reportedly feeling vindicated after the much-maligned geographical position of Garvaghy, on a mountain, avoided the floods due to its extreme altitude.

Meanwhile, Healy Park officials have said they’ve never seen their pitch looking so well.

Dubs Sceptical As Third Cavanagh Brother Brought Into Tyrone Squad

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Anthony Cavanagh

The Dublin management team are to approach the GAA’s Central Competitions Control Committee (CCCC) to initiate a quick DNA test after Mickey Harte unveiled a previously unknown Cavanagh brother to the public this morning, stating he’s to play alongside Mark Bradley in the forward line against the All Ireland Champions on Sunday. 

 

Anthony Cavanagh, who claims to have spent the last few years in England ‘slapping lads and stuff’, togged out for the Moy last week, scoring 1-2 in the first 20 minutes before being sent off for violent conduct. Insiders claim he has formed a sparkling partnership with the diminutive Mark Bradley on and off the field, with pictures emerging of them frolicking in a field in Killyclogher with Cavanagh giving Mark piggy-backs.

Moy GFC board member Jacques Mackle explained his qualities:

“People think Sean and Colm are the footballers in the family but this lad is a real humdinger. He has Sean’s stride and Colm’s fielding. He also has a shimmy of his own but unfortunately it usually sees him red carded as it involves his fists. But against the Dubs that might be a good thing. We’ll see. He’s our secret weapon.”

It is believed that the Dublin managerial team are not buying it and have asked for a DNA test, possibly by Thursday before the teams are announced. Mackle has refuted the Dublin claims of skullduggery, adding

“Sure he has that oul Cavanagh head on him. And he hates Eglish. You say you’re from Eglish and he’ll take your head off, literally. Gavin Devlin has convinced him Jonny Cooper has an Eglish grandfather.”

Meanwhile, Diarmuid Connolly has been released.

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