Category Archives: GAA

Brackaville And Newmills To Be Flattened To Make Way For Multi-Million Pound Coalisland International Race Track

 

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Artist’s Impression

Although planning approval has been granted for a £29m Coalisland race track which could play host to international motorsport competitions, residents in Brackaville and Newmills have been informed of the small print which spells bad news for them.

 

All of Brackaville and most of Newmills is to be flattened to make way for the ambitious venture, with both communities to be permanently re-located to hastily erected shanty houses in Derrytresk and Derrylaughan. For the first months, the evictees will receive a daily £20 food voucher which can be spent in Falls’ shop, excluding multipacks of crisps or 2 litre bottles of anything.

Race track co-ordinator, Becky Campbell, admitted the news might be tough to swallow initially:

 “I understand there is some anger being vented towards the plans but if we want the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel knocking around east Tyrone eating chips, something has to give. We’d thought about flattening Killyman or Lower Annagher but they represent vital thoroughfares for us to get to M1 so it’s the only sensible call. “

Wrecking balls are to begin knocking down everything in Brackaville the day after Hallowe’en with the GAA club first on the list for demolition. Locals have vowed to tie themselves naked to the gates of the pitch which has been met with a ‘go for it’ response from the driver of the crane, Coalisland’s Rosie McSherry.

Derrytresk residents are also planning a protest at the arrival of Newmills ones.

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Quare Drying Weather Status Announced In Mid Ulster

1 P165Thousands of washing lines are this morning said to be under serious stress after the news that Hurricane Ophelia will hit Ulster, which initiated an unprecedented drive to get anything out that can be washed, especially the ones that can’t be tumble dried. 

Plumbridge housewife, Cecilia Quinn, admitted she washed bedclothes that didn’t really need washed at all, having got caught up in the hysteria:

“It’s not often you get hurricanes in the Plum so we have to make the most of it. I’m not sure the line will hold out as I’ve 13 duffel coats on it as well most of the settee covers and curtains. This Ophelia better be good though I’ve saved a right few quid on the tumble dryer already.”

Locals have been warned to be on high alert when driving past heavy-loaded lines as underwear and blankets could come off the pegs and restrict vision. Perverts have also been told to stay away as heavy-duty knickers may be aired today as well and could become a choking hazard.

Meanwhile, Errigal Ciaran’s bid to have the game replayed because the hurricane stopped Peter Harte’s penalty has been rejected as the storm was near Portugal at the time.

Stexit Imminent As Stewartstown Prepares To Leave Europe ASAP

 

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Stewartstown, yesterday

In what is now being labeled as a ‘lone wolf initiative’, Stewartstown have already begun the process of leaving Europe, inspired by the recent Catalonian vote as well as all the talk about Brexit, according to a shop-owner in the town.

 

A series of meetings for ‘Stexit’ have already been scheduled for next week, including what to call the new independent state, currency and passport issues.

Randy Gillis, who has run the only sweet shop in the town since 1922, admitted he’s excited about the venture:

“We have always felt different to everyone else. We’d see the Tullyhogue and Cookstown ones driving through our town and you’d get an urge to fire stones at them because of their strange accent and eyes. Sometimes we have showered them with rocks. It’s a weird feeling. This is exciting news.”

Early frontrunners for the new name includes The Independent Republic of Tintown and Stewstin.

Coagh have reacted to the news by banning all sellers of tickets for Stewartstown GAA or the newly formed Stewartstown Triangle Band, the first triangle band in Europe.

Gillis added:

“Frig them.”

Stexit is being planned for the day after Hallowe’en.

Tyrone GAA May Be Prosecuted Under Blasphemy Law After Gooch Reveals Red Hand Sledging

 

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“Well, lad.”

Irish governmental officials and Gardaí are expected to arrive in Tyrone tomorrow to question a number of Tyrone players from 2005 after it was revealed they may have indulged in some sledging directed at the gods of gaelic football, Kerry, and left some of their players in tears during the half-time break and after the final whistle. 

 

Colm Cooper, the ex-Kerry great who is regarded as some modern form of a messiah amongst his people, revealed in his forthcoming autobiography that in games against Tyrone they were subjected to serious verbals from the Ulster team’s defenders during their crucial Croke Park clashes.

A source who has read the book revealed the extent of the ‘sledging’, formally known as ‘slagging’:

“These Tyrone boys had serious mouths on them. They were saying things like ‘I’m going to win the next ball’ and ‘did you see the Eurovision last night?’ into the ears of Kerry Gods. INTO THEIR EARS! You just don’t do that to the Kindgom. Cooper couldn’t help but cry during the 2005 final after being called ‘carrot-head’ by a Dromore defender and blamed it on someone poking his eye. There’s an emotional breaking point you know.”

If convicted, a batch of Tyrone defenders may fall foul of the existing Irish Blasphemy Law, the first people to do so since 1855 when an Armagh man told a visiting Kerry referee that he was ‘blind or something‘ during a friendly in Crossmaglen.

With Joe Brolly ironically representing the Kerry case and Fergal Logan defending the Tyrone sledgers, Sky Sports have signed up to show the trial live and exclusive for £49.99 a session.

Tyrone County Board Admits Women Probably Do Exist

yuAfter a shambolic decision to arrange a men’s championship games the same day as Tyrone Ladies’ All-Ireland Final appearance, the Tyrone County Board have admitted that women actually may exist after footage from TG4 appeared to confirm their suspicions.

Tyrone ladies, despite matching Tipperary for skill and effort, fell short in their attempt to annex the Intermediate title just before Errigal Ciaran and Carrickmore locked horns in a men’s county quarter-final.

However, in an attempt to address the situation this week, the county board have revealed that women may actually exist and, even more remarkably, play football.

Tyrone Fixture Committee compiler Hugh Jackson admitted:

“Yes, we received footage from TG4 on Monday which suggests that not only do women exist but that they may actually play sport. Remarkably, men appear to watch it as well. It’s been an eye-opener to be honest, even though I was suspicious of our chairperson in the first place.”

The County Board are to investigate the issue further over the winter.

Meanwhile, TT would like to congratulate the ladies team for their brilliance this year and for giving Tyrone gaels something to cheer on into September.

Ricey McMenamin To Introduce Rottweilers & Cement To Fermanagh Training

_63823372_rmcmenamin624The news that Ryan McMenamin has been drafted into the Fermanagh Seniors backroom team has reportedly sparked fear and wonderment within the Erne squad with many young players deciding to remain solely playing club football for another year to ‘build themselves up a bit’. 

A leaked document shows how McMenamin wowed the interviewing panel with details on how he aims to get a job at Quinn’s Cement and bring some of the stuff in his pockets to training and slip in into their drinks to ‘harden them up a bit’.

The 5-point plan also detailed an adventurous training regime which included a requisition for 20 O’Neills size 5s, 20 cones, 10 red bibs, 10 yellow bibs and 6 Rottweilers.

A Fermanagh insider added:

“We’ve had seven lads remove themselves from the WhatsApp group. Some claim to have injuries that’ll need a year to clear up. Others state they’re giving the club their all in the coming 12 months. The Ricey Effect we’re calling it. Looks like we’re left with just psychos on the panel.”

Another method on the detailed document explained how McMenamin aims to take night classes in the county which involves modules such as ‘memorising the phone book’ and ‘tickling’.

Meanwhile, Cathal McCarron’s county mileage expenses for next year has reportedly resulted in a portion of Garvaghey being sold to KFC.

Sky Sports TV Begin Colonisation Of Ireland By Visiting Garvaghey. Canavan In Cahoots.

 

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Leaked Sky Projection 2020

A plan to colonise Ireland by Sky Sports has been unearthed by a junior reporter for the Tyrone Tribs after two prominent presenters left behind vital documents during a visit to the Tyrone GAA centre in Garvaghey.

 

Jeff Sterling and Chris Kamara, linchpins of Sky Sports Soccer Saturday, arrived at the Ballygawley venue supposedly to find out more about GAA in the county for their coverage of the games on satellite TV.

However, it has emerged that, with the help of Peter Canavan, it was the first shots in a planned conquest of the country by the Murdochs on a par with Cromwell in the 1650s.

The document described how Sky plan to:

  • Disable RTE feeds in every county
  • Launch a brutal smear campaign on Michael Lyster and Des Cahill
  • Proclaim Peter Canavan ‘God’ of not just Tyrone but of England, Wales and Scotland
  • Free installation of Sky in Nursing Homes
  • War

GAA fanatic and RTE fan Harry Devlin from Glenelly admitted he was shocked but not surprised at the findings:

“That Murdoch lad is a ruthless bollocks. I’m disappointed at Canavan, although some said they he has his classes in Cookstown humming the Sky Soccer Saturday theme tune instead of their traditional school song ‘Baggy Trousers’.”

Croke Park have asked for volunteers to mobilise next Saturday at Parnell Park and head towards Sky’s HQ in Dublin 4.

 

Top 3 Sean Cavanagh Moments

 

Sean Cavanagh and Dublin's Colin Moran trying to get control of this loose ball

Dublin man tries to sniff Sean

 

As the legendary Sean Cavanagh brings the curtain down on his illustrious county career, we take a look at some of his lesser known greatest hits:

  1. SHOULDER CHARGE ON FRANCIE BELLEW

Back in 2005, Tyrone and Armagh were in the midst of healthy pure hatred. Armagh were our North Korea and Francie Bellew was Kim Jong-un. In the third and most crucial game that season between the two, Francie was running about hitting boys with his knee, elbows and stuff, like normal. Sean finally decided that enough was enough that day and met Francie with a shoulder which reverberated around the stadium and whose shockwaves incidentally wrecked part of the new Cusack Stand. Bellew’s bones were still rattling as he took his seat to watch the All-Ireland final a few weeks later. After Geezer was inexplicably shown the line by his manager, a rapturous cheer erupted through Croker as the big man leapt like a Torrent trout over Coalisland to field a kickout and stride the rest of the pitch to chip over a fine coffin-nail score.

2. SHIMMY SENDS DICK CLERKIN INTO A SPIN

Two years later and Tyrone were playing Monaghan in Clones. Dick Clerkin never liked Tyrone. Some say it was because a boy from Trillick wiped his eye with a girl from Clontribret at the Gaeltacht when they were 16. I dunno. But Sean knew Dick hated us as Dick would mutter stuff like ‘red handed hoors’ during the parade. So Sean pulled his Category A shimmy, usually reserved for special occasions, and sent Dick into a spin like never before. Dick continued to spin for the rest of the game and into the changing rooms and onto the bus. At the post match meal he was still spinning and completely messed up his shirt with a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Dick still hates Tyrone. The First Glorious Shimmy some say was taught to Cavanagh by an Edendork lad slipping on black ice getting on the bus at The Academy in Dungannon, before Seán’s Armagh days. Sean first displayed this “Geezer Teaser” in his debut in 2002. It’s said three different men from Crossmaglen were left (and still are to this day) – cross-eyed at the wondrous side step and following point. There’s talk that his shimmy is to be retired in the Croke Park Museum but must be looked at through sunglasses for fear of becoming another Dick or a pile of Dicks if looked at collectively.

3. TURNING DOWN L’OREAL CONTRACT

Whilst a lot of GAA players are lured away from these shores by the promise of a career in Aussie Rules, Sean Cavanagh stayed true to his county and refused repeated attempts by L’Oreal to be their face of L’Oreal Paris Shampoo and Conditioner. Sean’s hair has been much admired by the general public since he made his senior breakthrough in 2002. Despite the holy trinity ravages of Age, Clerkin and Bellew, the Moy man has managed to maintain his untainted barnet in perfect condition much the annoyance of the McCann brothers who have tried to mimic his magnificence unsuccessfully. L’Oreal finally stopped harassing Cavanagh in 2014 when he was caught buying a can of Just For Men in Killyman although he claimed it was for Philly Jordan.

Dub Pagan Weather God Worshippers Arrested As Tyrone GAA Pitches Wiped Out During Storms

 

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Tyrone, an hour ago

A spate of arrests were carried out this evening in Dublin after a heavy storm obliterated many GAA grounds in Tyrone on Tuesday night. Barra Best and Frank Mitchell have also been questioned on suspicion of colluding with pagans in the capital. 

 

In what has been labelled a carefully executed blitz on key targets akin to something witnessed during WWII, over 55 grounds were wiped out with only Garvaghey untouched due to the careful planning and foresight by Club Tyrone officials a few years ago.

Sources in and around Dublin claim that spiritualists called upon the pre-Christian figure of Echaid to resurrect his enormous fictional horse, whose urine was so powerful and thunderous back then that it created Lough Neagh when going to the toilet one night.

Taddy Pally added:

“Echaid’s ‘pissy horse’ seems to have created havoc last night in the county, in what they christened Storm Hill 16. But I do think Barra Best and Frank Mitchell, no lovers of Tyrone, are up to their necks in this too. Them boys know how to manipulate fronts and stuff. Gavin paid them probably as well.”

Club Tyrone officials were reportedly feeling vindicated after the much-maligned geographical position of Garvaghy, on a mountain, avoided the floods due to its extreme altitude.

Meanwhile, Healy Park officials have said they’ve never seen their pitch looking so well.

Dubs Sceptical As Third Cavanagh Brother Brought Into Tyrone Squad

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Anthony Cavanagh

The Dublin management team are to approach the GAA’s Central Competitions Control Committee (CCCC) to initiate a quick DNA test after Mickey Harte unveiled a previously unknown Cavanagh brother to the public this morning, stating he’s to play alongside Mark Bradley in the forward line against the All Ireland Champions on Sunday. 

 

Anthony Cavanagh, who claims to have spent the last few years in England ‘slapping lads and stuff’, togged out for the Moy last week, scoring 1-2 in the first 20 minutes before being sent off for violent conduct. Insiders claim he has formed a sparkling partnership with the diminutive Mark Bradley on and off the field, with pictures emerging of them frolicking in a field in Killyclogher with Cavanagh giving Mark piggy-backs.

Moy GFC board member Jacques Mackle explained his qualities:

“People think Sean and Colm are the footballers in the family but this lad is a real humdinger. He has Sean’s stride and Colm’s fielding. He also has a shimmy of his own but unfortunately it usually sees him red carded as it involves his fists. But against the Dubs that might be a good thing. We’ll see. He’s our secret weapon.”

It is believed that the Dublin managerial team are not buying it and have asked for a DNA test, possibly by Thursday before the teams are announced. Mackle has refuted the Dublin claims of skullduggery, adding

“Sure he has that oul Cavanagh head on him. And he hates Eglish. You say you’re from Eglish and he’ll take your head off, literally. Gavin Devlin has convinced him Jonny Cooper has an Eglish grandfather.”

Meanwhile, Diarmuid Connolly has been released.

Tyrone 2008 – Where Are They Now?

_44974765_tyroneIn the lead up to the mouth-watering All Ireland semi-final against Dublin, we look back at the 2008 All-Ireland semi-final side and find out how they have fared since that successful campaign:

PASCAL MCCONNELL

The Newtownstewart giant, whose save in the All-Ireland final that year is a thing of legend, found time away from the limelight hard to embrace, initially. Family and friends looked on in sympathy as Pascal would stand in the garden at any time of the day or night, shouting at people to fire something at him so he could catch it or parry it away; glass bottles, squeaky dog toys, old tins of lynx Africa – you name it. Eventually, he managed to dust himself down, gave one glove to Niall Morgan and one to Red Mickey and move on with his life. Packie now runs a memorabilia shop which has Gooch Cooper’s eyeball as its main attraction.

RYAN ‘RICEY’ MCMENAMIN

His greatest on field moment came when allegedly he had Alan Brogan’s girlfriend’s phone number written on his wrist and stared Brogan out while he checked the digits…this may not be true but it’s a great story. The tigerish Dromore defender gave manys a forward nightmares in his day. Ironically Ricey is now the proud owner of the ‘Sleepeasy Pillows’ franchise across Ireland. This business venture came after a stint in Hollywood when he played the part of an angry dog in many mafia films. His ‘Ricey Krispies’ cereal idea, which was just like ordinary Rice Krispies except they had the odd nut or bolt in it for a sense of adventure, was soon halted after a rash of law suits. Ryan is also an avid panto participant, and likes to pot native plants in his wee back shed.

JUSTIN MCMAHON

The Omagh full back continues to defy medical and scientific recommendations and still togs out for the county. Wikipedia has never been able to ascertain his real age, ranging from 29 to 55. Justin has never been able to pass through security checks at airports and has broken over 12 of their machines to date due to the amount of metal in him. His Christmas party trick of having all cutlery magnetically stuck to him has worn thin recently as family have resorted to eating with their hands.

RYAN MELLON

From The Moy, Mellon hit the big time when he scored the first 2 points in the 2005 final. The versatile villager unfortunately got lost one night coming out of Tomneys. The story goes that he followed a three legged dog over the Armagh border in 2011, never to return. He was last spotted on St Patrick’s Day on a tractor during the parade in Armagh, looking sad and unkempt. Some say he has Stockholm Syndrome and is starting to admire his captors. Mellon was also an avid strawberry taster before his capture, and could tell exactly how many days old a given berry was just by sniffing it.

DAVY HARTE

The Errigal half-back, who spectacularly found the net against Dublin in the rain in 2008, is currently earning his coaching badges and is set to manage Accrington Stanley in England this year. Harte, who had to work harder than any other player because his uncle used to give him a skite on the back of his head if he didn’t, aims to manage is home county eventually when Mickey retires in 2035. He is due to launch a new range of fragrances for men next Valentine’s Day.

CONOR GORMLEY

Carrickmore’s rock in the centre of the defence, like McConnell, has found post-county fame tough. He reportedly had nightmares over his block in the 2003 final, and in his dreams McDonnell scored. Due to his sleepwalking, he now has a restraining order against him, preventing him coming close to ANY McDonnell in Armagh between 10pm and 8am on any night of the year. Conor often wakes up in a cold sweat like in one of them 80s ‘Nam movies, and curses Ciaran Gourley for not marking up even though the Rock man was nowhere near it. No one really knows why he claims Ciaran. Some claim Gourley kept him up all night before the final, listening to his complete Philomena Begley collection full blast. Gormley had to sleep on a blanket on the ground, in foetal position, as he still sleeps now (when he can get some sleep that is).

PHILIP JORDAN

This teak tough defender epitomised Mickey Harte’s mantra of transitioning from defence to attack. In some 73 Championship appearances for the Red Hand County, he never once lost possession, by either kick or hand pass. This unfortunately troubled him after he hung the boots up. Jordan melted down his 3 Celtic crosses and sold the gold, which he used as capital to open a fantastic wee pizza shop in the Moy. The downside to the story comes in the fact that Philip refused to give any pizza to anyone. When the shop was finally repossessed, Jordan hollered in court “Why should I give anything away, I never gave a thing away in my whole life. Go get your own… and by the way – its got nothing to do with money, I couldn’t care less about the money”. His cash payments for articles in the Irish News, and appearances on The Sunday Game now keep him afloat. He is best friends with Diarmuid Marsden’s brother, who is also called Philip. Jordan narrowly escaped a mauling after waving at Derrytresk supporters during a Moy win.

COLIN HOLMES

Ever hear of BBC’s Homes Under The Hammer? Well, Colly has nothing to do with that at all. In fact quite the opposite. After helping to dismantle Kerry three times in the noughties, Colly started his own demolition business and has several multi-million projects all over the world. When interviewed recently, he maintains his favourite demolition to date was against Dara O Se in Croker.

ENDA MC GINLEY
The man known on the team as “Thunder” consistently broke the hearts of opposing teams. The then Pope was asked to look into the fact that every game Enda scored in, Tyrone went on to win, and decreed it was a Category 5 Miracle, in line with finding a sweet in an jacket you haven’t worn in a while, or coming across a shopping trolley with a pound still in it. McGinley wisely exploited his heaven sent supernatural gifts, and set up a dating channel on late night TV. “He Who Scores Wins” is a massive hit in Essex.

BRIAN DOOHER
The man, The Legend. One of the finest things God ever covered in skin, Dooher needs no introductions from plebs like us. Last word on the Clann na Gael veterinarian was that he punched a pregnant cow when it was misbehaving. The cow split down the middle, formed two whole new cows and birthed triplets. The farmer was obviously delighted. It is rumoured he has since been frozen in a cryogenic chamber, should Mickey Harte ever need someone to take a really tough training session, or the county ever goes to war.

MARTIN PENROSE

Penrose hasn’t been seen since 2008. A keen hide-and-seek specialist, Martin hid for 45 hrs outside in his garden in order to break the World Record but never returned. The time now stands at 9 years and people around Carrickmore say he lets yelps out of him to let you know he’s still about, hiding. Of course, Penrose was well known for his speedy legs and small centre of gravity and once scored a famous goal by running under Seamus Moynihan’s testicles unchallenged.

JOE MC MAHON

Oooh… this is a great one! Last year Joe was walking through TK MAXX in Belfast, looking for a pair of cheap Calvin Klein boxers, when he was spotted by David Benioff, and immediately asked to play FIVE different characters in the hit TV show game of Thrones by the writer. His rustic, rugged, hard as nails, Iron-age looks captivated the American instantly. It is understood Benioff was later furious when Joe shaved off his beard for a family christening, so as not to spook the child, but as the director started to shout at big Joe he soon silenced as the beard grew back instantaneously, this time with thorns in it. Needless to say Joe got a pay rise, a new house and Benioff now avoids him at all costs for fear of his life.

TOMMY MC GUIGAN

After his pot-luck, but sexy goal in the ’08 All Ireland Final, Tommy unexpectedly went on to train boxers such as Carl “The Jackal” Frampton and David “The Haye-maker” Haye. Unfortunately Tommy doesn’t know a whole pile about boxing and both have slipped down through the ranks recently. Tommy, who is now known simply as ‘Shane’ is still a deadly fella, but shouldn’t be training world class boxers.

SEAN CAVANNAGH

Sean is playing yet and still has pure jet black hair much to the annoyance of the McMahons. Sean has kicked 16,253 balls from that shimmy since the Armagh quarter final, but his wife says his shimmy when asked to do household chores is less admirable. We wont say too much more about him at this juncture as we are due to interview him at his home in the coming weeks, and don’t want to spoil it…

COLM MC CULLAGH

The remarkable McCullagh had to leave the field early in the ’08 final due to a dodgy curry he had the night before in Drumcondra when he sneaked out for an hour with Mulligan. Unbeknownst to most, Colm was the source subject for that Brad Pitt film about the man getting younger the older he got. McCullagh now looks like a 12-year-old and, remarkably, is even faster than he was in 2008. For charity, he ran 100m whilst his club showed Usain Bolt running his 100m simultaneously on a big screen. Despite a scorching start, Colm had to retire after 50m due to a dodgy Indian he had the night before. He is currently studying for his 11+.

Notable mentions to:

OWEN MULLIGAN – Came on in the final that year. Currently a best-selling novelist and aims to bring out his latest raunchy novel – The Real Cookstown Sausage – in 2020. Can be seen in LacyLadys Male strip bar every Thursday night in London for a small fee of 500 quid. Mulligan was also caught last year hiding in the toilets at Croke Park til everyone was gone, running onto the field and doing that famous double dummy over and over and staring blankly into Hill 16 til the lawnmower man asked him if he’d no home to go to.

KEVIN “HUB” HUGHES – Hughes, whose iconic point in the 2008 final finally killed off Kerry, currently works for NASA as a meteor spotter. To date, he has spotted well over 3000 meteors as well as 4 O’Neills balls he launched throughout his career. Hub’s attemp to become an Olympic javelin thrower ended prematurely after a near miss with a pile of school children when practising in his back field last year.

STEPHEN O NEILL – O’Neill, player of the year in 2005, became a male model in London’s West End and a fashion icon for that mountain look. Returning to Ireland in 2013, he and Francie Bellew tour the country telling stories about their rivalry. To date, Bellew hasn’t said anything and sometimes sheds a tear during O’Neill’s recollections. Stephen’s favourite bar of chocolate is the Bounty, but he hates coconut by itself.

PETER DONNELLY – Peter still currently holds two county records: The biggest pike ever caught at Roughan Lough on open day, and the closest to the pin at the 16th at Dungannon golf course – even though he teed off from the 7th tee box. He has helped atheletes such as Mo Farah avoid journalist’s questions over the past 18 months, and once ate a whole box of Celebrations on Christmas Eve, which unsurprisingly led him to missing Christmas dinner the following day. His ma wasn’t happy and his da was buckin livid. He likes to collect newts in jam jars, and is said to be the driving force behind that whole mental world class race track at Coalisland’s old clay pits, fair play to him.

BRIAN MC GUIGAN – Brian had to change his name to Ryan to keep Japanese tourists away from his place of work. He wanted to get out of the bar trade after US college agents kept plaguing him on “parting with secrets on how to be the perfect quarter back” despite him never having watched a game of baseball in his life. He used to serve anyone who ordered a raw Jameson for free, and often brings up a packet of Jafa cakes to Mickey Harte’s house of a Wednesday. He was put out by Mickey’s wife recently when she discovered a wee note pad and dictaphone hanging from his three quarter zip top from Begley’s shop with the words “Ardboe Senior Champs 2017 PLAN” on the front of the notes.

Compiled and researched by Aughohilly Schniffles & Gombeen

 

Polygraph Van To Determine True Mickey Harte Loyalists In Tyrone

By Lee Turavod.

s2.ziareromania.roPSNI Communications Director Eamonn Lowe today unveiled a PSNI scheme to tackle the bickering, in-fighting, back-stabbing and outright violence that is currently tearing the county apart.

Tens of thousands of Tyrone fans are now returning to the fold having spent most of the current decade’s “wilderness years” relentlessly deriding the team’s style of play and arguing with family members, work colleagues and “anyone who cares to listen” for up to 16 hours a day that it’s time for Mickey to go.

Tyrone’s success in the last two years has prompted a dramatic u-turn by many of these fans but this is actually the root of a massive spike in incidents ranging from fairly run of the mill drunken punch-ups to full-scale pitched battles between the two categories of Tyrone fans.

According to Eamonn Lowe, the perceived hypocrisy on the part of the previously disillusioned Mickey-baiters is just too much for the Mickey-loyalists to bear.

Eamonn Lowe and his crack team of PSNI boffins have seemingly conjured up the solution. A special PSNI unit will tour the county in the next few weeks in a brand new Polygraphmobile offering a free lie detector test to anyone wishing to categorically prove that they remained 100 percent loyal to Mickey Harte during the long, lean and often bitterness drenched years since 2008.

This will then allow married couples, families, workforces to finally bury the hatchet, as those supporters who achieve 98 % or above in the 100 question test will then be given special status and responsibilities. These men, women and children will have their foreheads tattooed with a specially designed effigy of Mickey Harte’s face and will go out into their communities to absolve non-believers/ traitors of the guilt and shame they’re carrying.

PSNI psychologists pinpoint the “terrible burden” of these treacherous feelings as being the root cause of the anger and violence that currently erupts whenever the topic of the Tyrone county team is mentioned. The PSNI hope this new scheme will allow the whole county to once again unite behind Tyrone and Mickey Harte in time for the Croker semi-final at the end of August.

When pressed on how this new scheme will impact on the ultra hardliners who no longer even acknowledge that Tyrone ever won Sam and appear to believe that Tyrone actually lost to Donegal in their Ulster Semi-Final clash in Clones four weeks ago, Eamonn declared:

“There are some people on the extremes of society who we simply cannot reach…these people need to take a long hard look at themeselves…that is not our job.”

The Poygraphmobile will begin criss-crossing Tyrone from tomorrow. It begins in Moy before finishing up in Castlederg on the 32nd.

 

Process To Defrost Cryogenically Frozen Joe McMahon Begins After Impressive Donaghy Performance

 

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Artist’s impression of McMahon defrosting

Despite attempts to prevent media hearing about the decision, we can categorically confirm that the initial proceedings to thaw out Joe McMahon who was frozen in a state-of-the-art cubicle in Garvaghey the day after he announced his retirement have been activated despite Tyrone being two difficult fixtures away from meeting the Kingdom. 

 

Scientists have warned Harte and his backroom team that it will take up to 6 weeks to thoroughly defrost the Omagh defender, just in time for the All-Ireland Final if Tyrone were fortunate to get that far.

The reason for the early move appears to be the reinvention of Kieran Donaghy as a towering beanpole of a full forward, as witnessed by his destructive display against Galway at the weekend.

An insider warned us:

“Don’t be writing a story about this. McGeeney will be using it as an example of Tyrone getting ahead of themselves again. We’re only doing this in case we meet Kerry in the final, and it takes that long as McMahon timbers well over the winter.”

Specialists have also briefed Harte on other obstacles to overcome when McMahon is fully thawed, such as informing him on changes in world politics as well as what’s been happening in Emmerdale, of which McMahon is fanatical about.

“When Joe hears that Frank has slept with Charity behind Megan’s back he’ll go clean mad. Then there’s the whole stuff about the Tories and the DUP. It’ll take a good psychiatrist to get his head ready for Croke.”

Experts maintain the defrosting process cannot be rushed, with one wit claiming ‘it’ll be some summer for Tyrone – win, lose or thaw.’

 

Pope Spotted Wearing Tyrone Jersey In Rome

Pope_Francis_Korea_Haemi_Castle_19_(cropped) copyFollowing on from the news that the Tyrone senior team regularly pray together before big games, it has emerged that the Supreme Pontiff is monitoring the situation and was spotted wearing a Tyrone jersey with ‘McCarron’ on the back of it. 

Sources from inside the Vatican revealed that the Bishop of Rome now considers the Tyrone county team’s run as the greatest thing to happen to religion in Ireland since Pope John Paul II downed a gin and tonic in Cagney’s Bar in Drogheda during his 1979 visit.

Pope Francis’ closest Irish friend, Monsignor McCrory from Dungannon, added:

“He’s Tyrone mad, ever since he heard about the rosary craic. He even hates Armagh now which is a bit problematic seeing that’s the seat of the Primate of All Ireland. Francis has been watching videos of old matches and says his favourite players are Ricey McMenamin and Harry McClure.”

Meanwhile, it has emerged that some fringe Tyrone players are now going to Mass up to 3 times a day in between training in order to force their way onto the starting 15. Sources also claim that Darren McCurry has been saying ‘Amen’ louder than anyone else in recent weeks, hoping for a quarter-final start.

Finally, Ardboe have denied allegations that Kyle Coney was removed from the panel last year for failing to know the Third Glorious Mystery – The Descent of the Holy Spirit. There were claims that Coney thought the 3rd mystery was Hub Hughes’ point in the All Ireland final of 2008.

£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’

By Aughohilly Schniffles

sleeping-pillsAs Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.

A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.

Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.

It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.

When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said

“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”

When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted

…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”

There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.

Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.

Aghaloo Man Suffers From Acute ‘Tea And Sandwiches From Boot’ Addiction

By South Tyrone Reporter Lee Turavod

8147697536_44cc2e8d05_bAghaloo native Enda “Micko” MacNish was admitted into an as yet unnamed Sixmilecross Mental rehabilitation and Reprogramming Centre (138 Main Street, Sixmilecross) to treat a newly diagnosed condition that threatens to decimate Tyrone’s travelling support for centuries to come.

According to eyewitnesses, Enda has taken to drinking tea and eating piles of sandwiches, and the driest buns ever consumed, up to 39 times daily from the boot of his car.

Enda’s condition, named ‘taeinbooticitis’ by Queen’s University boffins, appears to have rapidly worsened during the last three Championships as he avidly followed Tyrone at all levels. His distraught wife, Edna, revealed how Enda went from

“…..doing what we all do – eating 16 or 17 rounds of egg and onion sandwiches and drinking 13 or 14 cups of tea during the course of a normal 17 hour round trip from Aghaloo to Clones to stealing up to 1000 eggs at a time in the days leading up to Tyrone games from his Uncle’s egg farm to fill around 35 loaves worth of sandwiches and installing a 90 litre tea boiler into the back of his family’s Citroen Picasso”.

The condition appears to have taken over Enda’s life to the point where last sunday he couldn’t even sit through his family’s annual trip to Mahon’s Hotel “for that there carvery” (previously the unmatched highlight of Enda and family’s entire year) without sneaking out to the car to swill back pints of black tae and devouring sandwiches and Paris Buns that would shatter a normal man’s molars.

Enda’s wife hopes that in highlighting this condition, other families won’t be torn apart as hers has. Edna made this passionate statement last night on Q 101:

“I know there are plenty of other men and even some weeman and young’uns out there suffering from this same illness. Don’t suffer in silence. If we’d acted sooner we might have been able to save Enda. If you start noticing eggs going missing or if someone in your family starts planting onions all over your land and stock piling white bread in the days before a game or is spending hours on the internet searching for industrial sized tea boilers, don’t hesitate. Do something…look for help and most of all NEVER lend a hand and start buttering bread of shelling eggs…the only solution is to face the hard, cold truth and get that person the treatment they need.”

Enda is currently unavailable for comment.

Mahon’s Hotel is currently offering an egg and onion free ‘Carvery-Cure’ lunchtime-deal to those families who can prove they are affected by this disorder.

 

Amazement As Brackaville Man Doesn’t Post Photos Of Himself Riding A Bicycle

 

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Gillis, this morning

A Brackaville man has caused outrage and suspicion after he cycled 50 miles today without taking photos of himself, asking for donations or putting his route on social media.

 

Paddy Gillis, whose father and grandfather used to cycle more than 100 miles a day doing errands and leisure activities, has come under fire from locals who maintain he must be up to no good and possibly indulging in some form of terrorism.

John Campbell (33) explained:

“Who in their right mind gets on a bicycle without a motive, whether it’s looking for adoration from social media friends or a few pounds for the local club? Like, sure, you could take the car. Gillis is up to something suspicious. He didn’t tell anyone nor take any photos. Who does that, like?”

Gillis, who rode the bike today in a pair of track suit bottoms and an Slane ACDC t-shirt, has also come under fire from leisure outlets who claim he’s probably breaking the law by not wearing tight riding gear, a helmet and goggles.

Gillis is expected to ride to Dungannon tomorrow to get the Irish News, some ham and a tube of Deep Heat for his ma without acknowledging the journey on any platform.

McGinn’s Transfer To South Korea Almost Scuppered By ‘Are Ye For Clones?’ Mistranslation

Niall-McGinn-785598Niall McGinn, who became the first Dungannon Swifts player to move to South Korea for footballing reasons, finally clinched his transfer despite a throw-away comment which was lost in translation, almost scuppering the lucrative move.

McGinn, who once scored 0-7 against Derrylaughan during a midge storm, asked the club chairman, who also acts as Lord Mayor of the city of Gwangju, if he was for Clones on the 16th in a thick Tyrone accent.

Thinking McGinn had attempted to speak a bit of Korean, Chairman Gung-Ho had to be restrained as interpreters attempted to explain to him that McGinn had, actually, spoken in English.

Language expert Martin Kelly explained:

“It’s normal for new signings to attempt some of the local language. However, when Niall asked ‘are ye for Clones’ it sounded like ‘aya fa konas’ which means ‘get the f**k out of my sight’. It took a while for Lord Mayor Hung-Ho to accept the reality of what happened.”

McGinn, who is expected to fly out to his new club in the near future, has also pledged not to make the same mistake as one of his advisors who travelled out to Gwangju to look at houses.

Carl Carabine from Aberdeen unfortunately took a wrong decision at a fork in the road and travelled deep into North Korean territory before being picked up by their officials and enrolled in the army. He was last seen parading at Kim Jong-un’s 33rd birthday celebrations.

 

Parents Stock Up On Day-Time Medicinal Wine As School Holidays Commence

bigSupermarkets and off-licenses across the county have confirmed a sharp spike in wine purchased by parents between the ages of 25 and 50 over the weekend. 

Consumer experts immediately explained the phenomenon as nothing unusual, linking the annual trend at this time of the year to the start of school holidays, adding that vineyards in France and Chile intentionally increase their production rate for women at this time of the year from Tyrone, as well as in Derry, Fermanagh and Armagh. Additionally, a group of stay-at-home-fathers have formed a counselling group in Cookstown to counter the summer trauma.

One woman, who wished to remain anonymous, told us as she exited Tesco in Dungannon with over 30 bottles of savignon blanc:

“It’s completely medicinal. There’s only so many times you can tell them to stick on Frozen before you go a bit mad, like. A glass at 12pm eases the strain somewhat. By 4pm they can draw all over the walls for all I care or even notice.”

Businesses have also started to notice a rise in productivity as parents appear to be prepared to do any amount of over time, even free of charge. Many workers have also decided to forego their own transport and have taken to walking home from work, sometimes not returning until late evening after walking up to 15 miles.

Coalisland businessman Leo Keown added:

“It’s a pure lethal time of the year. Parents of young children are mad for the overtime and I’m paying them buck all. And they’re at the gates at 6am too. Long live the summer holidays.”

Meanwhile, a group of men in Brocagh have been arrested after trying to hack into the local primary school’s website and changing the calendar dates, creating a 31st July ‘Back to School’ deadline. One of the arrested claimed he was delighted to be caught and ‘hopefully jailed for a few weeks’.

DUP To Spend Money On BIGGER Boilers With MASSIVE Wood Pellets

 

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Boiler heading up M1 to Dungannon

In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree. 

 

Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.

Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:

“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”

Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.

Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.

“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”

stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.

In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.

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