Category Archives: GAA

The Last Gas-Boiled Kettle On A Construction Site Is In Tyrone

thumbnailBy Aughohilly Schniffles

It was discovered this week that the last remaining gas kettle on any construction site anywhere in the Ulster can be found in County Tyrone. The revelation came as part of a Construction Industry Federation (CIF) report into Europe-wide health and safety in construction.

A gang of plasterers from Brackaville are the proud owners of the accolade. Tim Hanna and his four labourers had considered hooking up to an extension cable and a generator like everyone else in the world in 2018, but decided against it some time ago.

When we interviewed Mr. Hanna, he told us:

the tae tastes better y’see. Its all about how the hydrogen molecules split when acceleration commences at a lower temperature, elongating the period at which the vapour pressure rises above standard of one atmospheric bar . It’s kind of like that thing where if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water he will hop out. But put him in cold water and turn up the heat gradually to a boil and you’ll have one red hot deceased Kermit before long. The only tae to taste better than any from thon ring is my granny’s, God rest her, and she swore by spitting in it. You can ask any of my cousins…. Her’s was pure class…”

Tim Hanna was presented with a bronze gong of a man boiling a kettle for his achievement and will enter the Guinness Book of World Records this December. Mr. Hanna narrowly missed out on being recognised for the award for the whole of the island of Ireland after it was found that a Mr. Michael O’Donnell from County Tipperary, who plies his trade as an electrician also continues to use the gas ring kettle boiling system for his bi-daily brew.

It has emerged that the DUP have been backing a bid for Hanna to be recognised as the only man in the United Kingdom or ‘Great Britain and Northern Ireland’ to continue to opt for a gas fire ring on a building site, but when we spoke to Mr. Hanna he said that they can “go and shite” and that he knows where he would stick their award.

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Coalisland Fianna Launch New Jersey Competition

DZEUc5EWsAAecYn copyFollowing on from the innovative idea by the League of Ireland Bohemians soccer club to have an image of Bob Marley on their jerseys, Coalisland Fianna have decided to follow suit and launch a series of potential jerseys for their 2019 campaign. 

Although Bohemians have shelved their idea because of image rights, the Fianna club have promised to overcome any potential legal issues by contacting anyone they use on their jersey by email or by even phoning them.

One of the favourites to win the competition is the use of 1985 World Champion and ex-Fianna player Dennis Taylor on the front of the jersey.  Dennis recently was guest on a Malachi Cush programme when he tried to remember good times living in Coalisland before he left at 17 years of age. He eventually recalled Edendork bingo hall and started dancing and singing.

 

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Fish Supper Jersey

The other two candidates for the 2019 Coalisland jersey are a fresh fish supper out of the world-renowned Landi’s and the much beloved traditional Coalisland parking techniques which have been a topic of controversy but a source of local pride for centuries.

 

Local historian Kitty McGranaghan, who once chased a traffic warden as far as Brackaville by foot, admitted it’s a tough choice on deciding between the three:

 

“I think if you ask anyone about Coalisland, the three things they’ll talk about is the parking, fish suppers and Dennis Taylor. It’s a pity we have to choose one. My idea would have been to put all three on the jersey.”

Voters have been given up to Christmas Eve to vote on their choice of the three entrants.

 

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Car Parking Jersey

 

 

GAA Dubious Results Committee To Investigate Tyrone Club Scene

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By Aughohilly Schniffles

It has emerged that a special GAA Dubious Results Committee are to investigate allegations of match-fixing following some extremely surprising results in club league games in recent days.

As the league tables are finalised and secure positions become known for next year, it has been rumoured that some clubs have remarkably not been giving 100% in their last game.

A rash of inexplicable wins and draws over the past two weeks have led to an international chair of experts being assembled and called to Garvaghey to investigate. The expert panel consisting of Bruce Grobbelaar, John Higgins and Lance Armstrong were due to be flown to Tyrone today and have apparently been watching video footage of Division One and Two games from last weekend on the plane.

Joe Doyle, a County board insider who does not wish to be named, told us:

“Aye, you get plenty of that at this time of year, so you do…lads throwing points when they are safe…in exchange for free sandwiches the next time the teams meet, or agreeing to stay away from their women at McAleers…”

Evidence understood to be presented to the experts from last weekends games include a dog lining out in full-forward for Killyclogher, Donaghmore and Omagh fielding just 2 a side, and Coalisland Fianna sending out their Ladies team to play Clonoe. The Edendork Bingo Snowball has also been slashed from £6000 to £200 despite there being no recent winners.

The results of the investigation are due out next week, though the chances are you’ll never hear about this again until this time next year.

Chilling Halloween Message Sprayed On Gable Wall In Brocagh By Youths

1810824_389a44d98eHome owners in East Tyrone are said to be considering their options after a chilling message was sprayed on a house in Brocagh last night. 

Up to 40 youths were reportedly witnessed hanging around the wall all day yesterday dressed up in early Halloween costumes. It appears that they intend on launching a 48-hour door to door trick or treat extravaganza and have warned adults not to even consider giving them fruit as a reward for knocking their door, or they will have their ‘bollix kicked in’.

Peader Quinn (49), who owns the house which was spray-painted on, is under no illusion as to why he was targeted:

“Last year I completely forgot to get sweets. Luckily I’d over a dozen bananas and rationed them out amongst trick or treaters. The next morning my garden was covered in banana peels. It was an obvious message.”

Quinn has advised locals to stay strong and not to give in to the demands of the community’s children.

“What next? Telling parents what they want for Christmas up to £1000? This is the thin end of the wedge.”

Quinn went on to blame Conor McGregor and the GAA for the threat.

Although police are unable to patrol the area, or want to, they have asked anyone getting a kicking to phone their helpline.

Get Your Tyrone Tribulations Tyrone GAA Pumpkin Carvings For £9.99 Each

We are proud to release our 2018 Hallowe’en Tyrone GAA pumpkin carvings of current and past players. All our carvings were handmade by a group of experts in Quinn’s Corner last night. 

You can get one for £9.99 or two for £20, free delivery. Email for details.

 

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TIERNAN MCCANN

 

 

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RONAN MCNAMEE

 

 

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MARK BRADLEY

 

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NIALL MORGAN

 

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RETRO: PHILIP JORDAN

 

 

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RETRO: RYAN MCMENAMIN

 

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RETRO: PLUNKETT DONAGHY

 

 

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RETRO: NOEL MCGINN

 

 

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LEE BRENNAN

 

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RETRO: BRIAN DOOHER

 

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RETRO: PETER CANAVAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

81% of GAA Refs Do Need Glasses Confirms Strabane Optometrist

referee-are-you-fcking-blindAn experienced West Tyrone optometrist has confirmed what thousands of spectators have been saying for years; over four-fifths of referees need some form of eye enhancement, with many unable to see anything over ten yards ahead of them. 

Although the news has caused some concern for officials, many supporters have developed a new-found respect for the man in the middle, with the realisation that they have been calling some correct decisions during matches even though they hadn’t a notion what was happening.

Referee assessor Paddy Horgan agreed:

“We’re amazed that they get anything right. So, fair play to them. Some refs’ eyesight is that bad that they get into the wrong car after a game. How they make it home is another miracle.

The Tyrone County Board have agreed to charge match-goers an extra pound during next year’s league and championship games which will go towards buying over 3000 pairs of binned National Health glasses for referees in the county in 2019.

Joey Mackle, a Moy entrepreneur, has patented an elastic band which will be attached to the legs of the glasses and wound around the back of the referee’s head. The bands will come in different sizes to cater for different sizes of heads.

Meanwhile, umpires have asked for similar glasses for next year. The county board will ask Mackle to look into making glasses with wipers for umpires who tend to look up a lot more. This can be difficult on rainy days or when there are a lot of birds about.

Dennis Taylor Spotted In Coalisland. Will He Start Against Killyclogher?

Dennis-Taylor-in-the-commentary-box-during-the-Betfred-World-ChampionshipsNews that Dennis Taylor was seen heading out of Landi’s this morning with a pastie supper and three tins of Lilt have sparked rumours that the snooker genius may have been a late call up to the Fianna squad for Sunday’s county final against Killyclogher. 

The 69-year-old former World Champion played for the Tyrone county minors in the 1960s despite not being able to see the goalposts, the ball nor his feet, and has supposedly been spotted soloing up and down Annagher Hill under the blanket of midnight several times since Sunday.

However, Taylor’s inclusion at recent training sessions has not gone down well with some squad men who have been training all year.

An eyewitness added:

“There’s bad blood alright. Taylor is near 70 afterall and can hardly run. He was brutally shouldered into the wire three time last night. But it looks like he may start top of the left on Sunday and management hope his jovial friendly banter and knowledge of acute angles will see the Fianna over the line.”

Despite pleas by the Coalisland dietician to tone down his diet, Taylor allegedly finished off his Landi’s special by heading into McGlinchey’s for a cowboy supper and a cheesy chip.

Talk that Killyclogher have asked Steve Davis to mind the edge of the square has been rubbished as ‘just stupid talk’ by a friend of Mark Bradley.

Joe Mahon’s Lough Neagh – What They Didn’t Show?

Lough-Neagh-Its-Waterways-Destination-Map-982x1024Friends close to Joe Mahon maintain he is still refusing to speak about the episode spent around the Ardboe shoreline during the recording of his highly acclaimed Lough Neagh series. 

Mahon, who is now reportedly addicted to eels, eating up to seven portions a day, was so shocked by what he saw around East Tyrone that he was unable to communicate with anyone for over three days.

So far, speculation is rife as to what Mahon witnessed with theories ranging from an Ardboe GFC in-house training session to half men-half fish roaming the ramparts. Mahon also apparently received a torrent of verbal abuse from the McMahons of the Washingbay for dropping the ‘Mc’ in his name so he could get a big job in UTV.

Meanwhile, producers of the show have denied that Mahon threatened to ‘poison the whole lough’ if he didn’t get a second series.

Tyrone U10 Game Abandoned After Mass Brawl

1413462101483822119A grade three Under 10 friendly game between Naomh Apollo (Drumragh/Killyclogher) and Naomh Creed (Greencastle/Gortin) was abandoned yesterday after over 25 primary school children got involved in headlocks, fly-kicks and uppercuts five minutes after the throw-in. 

The referee, James Cullen from Rousky, was taken to A&E in Enniskillen after he passed out due to a rear naked choke by the 9-year-old full forward on the Creed team.

Despite the unprecedented scenes of underage violence, the Tyrone County Board have blamed mobile phones for recording the scenes in the first place:

“It’s a fact that if there were no phones then the brawls wouldn’t happen. I’d never seen videos of violence on a GAA field on a mobile phone before mobiles were invented. So it’s obviously the fault of the phone owners and their proneness to recording stuff.”

Several of the U10s on both sides were questioned by youth leaders after the game, with the majority unaware that mass brawls weren’t a compulsory part of the sport.

14 players from Naomh Apollo also jumped the fence and started kicking their own friends and cousins, with one father set upon by his 8-year-old son. Mr Towell maintains that his son will definitely make it onto the club senior panel within eight years after this show of savagery at such a young age, and maybe even make county.

Row Over Who Has Biggest Graveyard Threatens To Overshadow Edendork Coalisland Semi-Final

edendorkTyrone GAA officials have called for calm heads at O’Neill Park in Dungannon this weekend during the latest instalment of the deadly rivalry between near neighbours Coalisland and Edendork.

The appeal comes ahead of the senior semi-final, after a spate of rows broke out along the Coalisland Road this week over the size of their graveyards.

PSNI confirmed a ‘slapping session’ on the Bush Road junction and two ‘hammerings’ in Derryvale yesterday after hordes of Edendork lads arrived in Coalisland with photographic evidence of more than 4000 hidden graves in another adjoining field behind St Malachy’s Church.

The additional 4000 bodies would take Edendork to a figure which would see them overtake Coalisland by some 398 corpses.

Reports suggest that, drunk on pride, the Dork lads set about wrecking the ‘Island, chanting ‘we’ve more dead ones than you‘  and other stuff like that. Unconfirmed reports suggested that a plan to annex Landi’s was halted by authorities and two men wearing Fianna Bainisteoir hi-vis bibs.

Fr Ted Talbot, a Coalisland native now stationed in Uganda and famed graveyard historian, dismisses Edendork’s claims:

“It’s ridiculous. There’s no way the Dork have a bigger graveyard than us. They tried this carry on before an Intermediate quarter-final in the 70s between us when they said their bingo hall was bigger than our Parochial Centre. God forgive me, but they’re full of shite.”

Patrons attending this weekend’s match are advised not to bring any valuables to the ground as a spate of daylight robberies have blighted recent championship games.

In unrelated news, Edendork’s bid to have the oldest living man in Ireland awarded by the Guinness Book of Records was rejected earlier this week as their ruling-committee unsurprisingly decided that a 120 year old is not the same as two 60-year-old Hackett twins.

 

Moortown Man Fined For Wearing Red Diesel Jeans On A Main Road

diesel-original-176711A Moortown fitter has pledged to fight a £300 on the spot penalty after he was caught wearing a pair of illegal red Diesel jeans on the Battery Road near Derrychrin.

Gerry Quinn (54) admitted being on the road for ten minutes trying to retrieve his trusty dog Clint who had run off after a bitch from across the field.

“I only wear the red Diesels around the farm normally. I know the rules. This was a one-off but it just happened that a jeans dipper was on patrol that day. £300 is very stiff for a first time offence. I’d no time to change into the clear chinos because Clint would have been away with that bitch for days.”

Diesel jeans have come under severe scrutiny recently because of their damaging effect on the environment and on fashion in general in the East Tyrone area. Red Diesel jeans are allowed only on private farmland or at ploughing championships and barn dances at night.

Although Mr Quinn hopes to win this landmark challenge against the Jeans Dippers, it is expected to fail after a similar case was defeated in 2017 when a Brocagh farmer was fined in Dungannon for wearing a checked shirt to the bank with all the buttons unopened apart from the bottom one.

Rise In Banana Trees Growing In Dungannon. RHI Scam Blamed.

 

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Dungannon roadside, yesterday

Government officials have admitted that the rise in banana trees popping up around Moygashel and the greater Dungannon area may be linked to the amount of RHI beneficiaries who left their doors open whilst burning pellets by the million. 

 

At the last count, over 20’000 banana trees were spotted in the mid-Ulster area with that number expected to rise over the coming months. With dates from palm trees also on the rise, the Irish economy is set for boom times according to junior DUP official Cedric Cedricson:

“People may be slagging us about the pellets but the amount of jobs we have created by leaving shed doors open is astronomical. Already there are van loads of teenagers making their way to banana fields all over Dungannon and surrounding areas in the evening to earn money as banana pickers. Throw in the booming date industry and we’re the Costa Rica of the northern hemisphere.:

Already there are plans for the 2019 Tyrone GAA county board to accept the bid from Chiquita Bananas to be their jersey sponsor for the forseeable future.

Unfortunately, Armagh apples have pledged a fruit war if the Tyrone banana trade begins to impact on their business plans for the next five years.

Tyrone 2008. Where Are They Now? Part 2.

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The second part of our investigation leads us to numbers 10-15 plus the stiffs. 

10. Brian Dooher

Our captain retired a couple of years later after operations to replace both legs, arms and lungs. Dooher soon worked his way up the veterinary scene and made the front page of TIME magazine in 2013 after he became the first person to clone a cow. Unfortunately the cloned animal soon got out of control in West Tyrone, wrecking property and killing over 200 cows elsewhere. Brian is currently on the run from authorities as well as over 30 irked farmers.

11. Martin Penrose

Penrose continued to play minor football right into his mid-30s before an application form for a passport revealed his real age. Penrose went on to star in many sci-fi films including Star Trek and Game of Thrones before returning to Carrickmore to open a gluten-free vegetable shop in the village.

12. Joe McMahon

Joe’s performance in the final of 2008 garnered rave reviews as did the magnificent state of his beard. McMahon’s beard soon became big in demand on TV chat shows and advertising. Despite a £3m offer from Gillette, Joe refused to allow his beard to become the face of the international brand, leading to acrimony between the Omagh man and his facial hair. McMahon won the fight by shaving the beard off against its will but lost the war as women stopped flocking around him in their droves.

13. Tommy McGuigan

Despite a wonderful 2008, Tommy headed back to Ardboe after the game and decided to become a hermit, shunning the celebrations. 10 years of solitude later, McGuigan can sometimes be seen roving the lough shore with a guitar singing songs of lost love and reading poems into himself.

14. Sean Cavanagh

Only recently retired from the county scene, novelist Sean Cavanagh continues to play for his club and enjoys the hurly-burly of the local championship.

15. Colm McCullagh

Despite having to go off early in the final, McCullagh earned his stripes that year after several sterling performances. McCullagh unfortunately became addicted to the Rocky movies post-retirement and in particular Rocky 4. Changing his name to Ivan Drago, Colm can be seen in bare-knuckle fights in fields around Dromore

SUBS:

Stephen O’Neill: O’Neill was last spotted in Croke Park a few weeks ago shaking his head

Kevin Hughes: Hub scored the penultimate point that day and went on to write several books on the score. Hughes almost picked up an All-Ireland for Derrytresk a few years later, playing as a ringer under the false name Ronie O’Neill.

Brian McGuigan: Brian came on late that day after a bad bout of diarrhea from a feed of eels for breakfast that morning which left him weak. McGuigan, ironically, now runs an eel-skin clothing shop in Moortown.

Owen Mulligan: Another late sub, Mulligan moved to London soon after to forge a career as a Tory politician only to be kicked out of the party due to an incident involving suspenders and a then-unknown Teresa May

Colm Cavanagh: Colm continues to ply his trade for the county despite carrying half a team on his shoulders.

 

Tyrone 2008 – Where Are They Now? Part 1

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10 years ago to the day, Brian Dooher staggered up the steps in Croke Park to lift his second Sam Maguire as captain and Tyrone’s third in all. 

Today and tomorrow we ask….Where Are They Now?

PART 1

  1. Pascal McConnell

McConnell found life hard away from the lights and razzamatazz of inter-county football. After three years of touring Europe in a camper van, McConnell finally found happiness after enrolling with American wrestling organisation WWE, becoming the Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion as ‘Newtownstewart Nuke Man‘ with his signature poke-in-the-eye move on a beaten Undertaker in Miami in 2014 securing the title.

2. Ryan McMenamin

Ricey turned to God soon after retiring, preaching around the States at the same time as McConnell was decking superstars on the canvas. Ryan finally joined an extreme monastery in Kentucky and after shaving his body hair, took a vow of silence for 3 years. McMenamin returned home in 2017 to become spiritual advisor to the Fermanagh senior team and prays 21 hours a day.

3. Justin McMahon

The Omagh man filled the void of football by becoming a catwalk model for Wrangler Jeans in Soho’s famous Fashion Mile. Justin came into a spot of bother after a bust up with another male model from Essex and is currently doing community service around London teaching school kids how to psychologically crush component in high stakes games.

4. Ryan Mellon

The Moy man, who often glory-hunted in All Ireland Finals, opened a pig-renting shop in Benburb in 2011 for those wanting the animal as a fashion accessory. Getting the idea from a Japanese programme he saw on Sky channel 177, Mellon bought 400 pigs. After renting out only 3 in the first year, Ryan finally opened a butchers.

5. Davy Harte

Harte continued to play football until recently when he scored an own-point after a 55m run through his own defence, leaving supporters worried. The Nephew now advises cat-owners on feline etiquette and behaviour, having kept over 2000 cats in his cat orphanage off the Omagh Road.

6. Conor Gormley

In 2013, a frustrated Gormley started up ‘Pub Bouncers Ltd’, supplying self-trained bouncers to the most notorious pubs in the county. After a successful three years, Conor moved underground and now terrorises street gangs in the Carrickmore and Galbally area on his own, often using his infamous staring technique.

7. Philip Jordan

Jordan now resides in an old people’s home after undergoing his 29th hip operation in under 3 years. Philip, god help him, spends his days telling eye-rolling nurses about his heroic feats on the field and in the RTE studios but has recurring nightmares about being attacked by an angry group of orange-vested men from Lurgan.

8. Collie Holmes

Holmes retired soon after, becoming a private detective in the greater-Armagh area with his trusty sidekick Johnny Watson from Blackwatertown. Despite not solving any crimes, Holmes continues to pursue his latest mission, finding out why Armagh only won the one All Ireland.

9. Enda McGinley

The silver-tongued McGinley never really recovered from his concussion in 2003 and sporadically slips into thinking he’s Graham Norton by appearing on TV and radio three times a week. Enda, who played the remainder of the ’03 final thinking he was an extra in Knight Rider, claims he’s presenting the Eurovision in 2019.

PART 2 TOMORROW

 

 

Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

via Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

10 Reasons Why We’ll Beat Dublin

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Mickey has never lost an All-Ireland Senior Final. He has never lost a Champions’ League, World Snooker or Wimbledon Women’s final either.

Ross Kemp. Kemp is Tyrone’s worst kept secret, this week blatantly seen running from the Ballygawley roundabout to Garvaghey 4 times a day all week. Kemp to patrol the square, allowing Colm to work his magic feet at the right end of the field. Ross is also a big fan of Aidan McCrory and was reportedly star-struck when McCrory introduced himself by bench-pressing for an hour without blinking.

Niall Morgan’s free taking. Now hold on. Before you start being all smarmy and critical about Niall’s free taking percentage converted this year, if he is up there on the Dublin 45 taking a free, that means the Edendork man isn’t back there staring at Kevin McMenamin thundering towards him or facing down a penalty kick, so: Go Niall Go! Morgan also won the snowball at the Edendork Hall bingo last week and bought massive gloves with the takings.

Hugh O’Neill predicted this in 1598. Yes 420 years ago, on a wall in the toilets of a drinking establisment in Dungannon, an 48-year-old Hugh wrote ‘Empires will fall with Skeet on the ball’. It was in very bad English though as he was plastered on mead.

We’re not Mayo

Ulster already said No to 3 in a row. Yes, back in 2008, Ulster said no to Kerry’s 3-in-a-row bid. You may remember the big banner on hill 16, from some of our legendary fans. Although the Dubs are going for 4, our stats man tells us it’s just one more than 3. Now we take it a step further, preparing to ruin the takings at the door at Coppers, and help Sally’s of Omagh, Gervin’s in Coalisland, and Tomney’s in the Moy rake in the ca$h instead.

60% of cars in Tyrone are red and 94% of white lines in Tyrone are white. What better to prove a point than good old hard statistics. Yes, over 60% of all vehicles in the Red Hand County are red (this figure estimated to rise to 70% this week) and almost all the white lines in Tyrone are white, except for the ones that have faded so much they are now invisible.

Mickey slipped the Pope a £10er on Sunday. If you re-watch the Phoenix Park mass from Sunday, and pause it at 36:05, you’ll see the wee red and white Tyrone Fabrications cap, and two crisp new £5 notes getting slipped to a winking Pope Franko. Francis also apparently has big hopes of Tiernan McCann entering the priesthood.

Colm Cavanagh is now the last on-field link to 08. Given Cathal McCarron is not able to play this Sunday, Big Colly is now the final playing link to the winning team of 2008. He is also Tyrone’s last scorer in an All Ireland final although nearly everyone missed it. He also has a brother who reportedly played well that day. And Cavanagh sounds like Canavan. Too coincidental. By the way Cavanagh got his nickname ‘Colly’ from his love of cauliflower dinners in Moy Primary School since he was 7.

There are two Coalisland men on the starting team. Even Nostradamus said this was a long-shot.

 

RTE To Use Stunt Doubles And Ex-Players For Banquet If Tyrone Victorious

 

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Jordan as Peter Harte

Secret footage has emerged from RTE headquarters in Dublin indicating that the national broadcaster will use lookalikes for the banquet dinner should Tyrone pull off the almost impossible and stop Dublin from winning four-in-a-row. 

 

The dry-run, which saw Sean Cavanagh imitating his brother and Philip Jordan donning a red wig to mirror Petey Harte on the night, will allow RTE to keep to the tradition of Michael Lyster interviewing half-lit players around 10pm.

An RTE insider admitted that some of the lookalikes stretch the imagination a bit:

“We sorta ran out of volunteers so Ciaran Whelan is pretending to be Mark Bradley by walking on his knees just. Colm O’Rourke will use his advanced years to imitate the ageing veteran Cathal McCarron and Pat Spillane has agreed to copy Conall McCann by wearing a beehive. “

RTE’s initial idea of filming the banquet through a window of the hotel was shelved after a cameraman suggested that the Tyrone ones might just pull the curtains together.

Meanwhile questions have been raised as to why Sunday’s referee has already booked his seat at the Dublin banquet. When asked, a spokesman for the Refereeing Committee laughed and said ‘come on now, do we have to explain that?’

Pope Francis To Risk Garth Brooks’ Ire By Singing Three Of His Hit Songs At Croke

garth-brooks_09-23-14_20_5421b6785af64 copyIn a blatant two fingers at the international country and western singer Garth Brooks, Pope Francis is expected to churn out renditions of The Dance, If Tomorrow Never Comes and Friends In Low Places during his appearance at Croke Park this Saturday. 

Brooks, who famously refused to sing at the GAA headquarters in 2014 because of booking issues, is reportedly primed to sue the Vatican for copyright if the Pontiff goes ahead with his proposed gig at the weekend.

This latest incident further deepens the rift between the Holy Father and the King of Country and Western after the Holy See issued a warning 4 years ago to the American.

Sister Julie Graham from county Antrim, a fan of both men, admitted it’s a dream come true if Francis begins his speech with the lines: “Blame it all on my roots/I showed up in boots /And ruined your black tie affair”

“People wonder what heaven looks like. Well, if the Holy Father ‘slips on down to the oasis’ during his time at Croke then that’s paradise right there. It would be pure deadly.”

Insiders maintain that Francis may avoid court proceedings by changing certain titles to the likes of  ‘Friends In High Places’ and the like.

Dublin Foiled In Attempt To Widen Pitch Out Onto Jones’ Road

Croke_ParkJim Gavin was allegedly witnessed ‘running around the corner’ after GAA officials foiled an attempt by the Dublin management to get the Croke Park field widened out onto Jones’ Road in an apparent ruse to outfox Tyrone.

After Tyrone reportedly shortened the field in the last game between the two in Omagh last month, Gavin and Jason Sherlock were witnessed directing and shouting at a groundsman to paint a line right up the middle of Jones’ Road, almost on the doorstep of The Croke Park Hotel, shortly after midnight last night whilst wearing blue mining hats with strong torches on them.

The ambitious tactic, which would have also meant the moving of the Hogan stand back 200 yards using strong diggers, would have resulted in the width of the Croke Park pitch being almost trebled, allowing players such as Kilkenny and Fenton to stretch Tyrone like no team has ever been able to manage before.

A Dublin GAA spokesman denied the ploy was thwarted by a GAA official:

“That’s hypothetical nonsense. Gavin and Sherlock were just making sure the groundsman could paint in the straight line whilst tired, such is their dedication to every detail. The diggers were also just there by pure accident.”

Tyrone and Dublin officials will attend this week’s visit to Croke Park by the Pope, in plain clothes, to make sure no other skulduggery occurs to the ground under the nose of the Pontiff.

Dublin Deny 4-In-A-Row T-Shirts Have Already Been Printed Despite Sightings In Niteclub

titleA fringe Dublin player has apparently been axed from the panel after he was seen dancing wildly to an 80s song in a well-known drinking establishment, wearing an official “4-in-a-row, even more dough” t-shirt soon after Dublin’s final opponents were revealed. 

The player, who admitted he got dressed too excitedly after the Monaghan/Tyrone semi-final in order to get to the niteclub before anyone else, has also been told to hand back his car and personalised dinner plates within seven days.

Clubber and Dublin player groupie Martha McCrystal revealed she was a bit surprised to see the t-shirt out so early:

I was bopping away and then spotted the player dancing clean mad to a Michael Jackson remix song and him wearing the 4-in-a-row garb. He even was kicking mock points and goals during his dance routine and shouting something about ‘strive for five’ whilst winking, suggesting he’s thinking about next year already, the craytur.

Dublin GAA have refused to comment on the incident although one member told us off the record that there is an embargo on the t-shirts until the final whistle on September 2nd which must be strictly adhered to.

Meanwhile a hypnotist, who was brought into the Tyrone training session yesterday in order to convince them that Dublin were not that great, was seen leaving the complex five minutes after arriving. Sources revealed he mistakenly convinced Gavin Devlin into thinking he was the actual manager, resulting in Devlin phoning club-mate Kyle Coney and making him captain for the final.

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