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Madonna Twitter Row Sees East and West Tyrone Relations Plummet To All-Time Low

Incident divided Tyrone

Incident divided Tyrone

What started out as a harmless comment on Twitter concerning Madonna’s fall at an awards ceremony during the week has turned nasty with a clear West v East split emerging from the online spat.

Omagh teacher Pat Dougan (@horseitintoye) initiated the debate when he innocently tweeted

“Holy smokes, Madonna fell there on the TV”

at 9:45 on Wednesday night. Within minutes, tension escalated quickly when Mary Farrell (@badgerlass) from Brocagh replied at 9:46:

@horseitintoye Nice comment there, Mr Obvious

Unable to ignore the slight, Dougan retorted:

@badgerlass How about you learn some manners, ye prick

Which led to the following dialogue:

@horseitintoye – Ah, shut up ye grumpy oul bollocks

@badgerlass –  You’re some girl. Typical Brocagh woman

@horseitintoye – Say it til my face ye slabber

@badgerlass –  Yiz are all the same down there. Tramps.

@horseitintoye I’ll go up there and bate the bollix off a ye

@badgerlass – aye, in yer horse and cart. Don’t bring yer diseases please

@horseitintoye – aye, yer ma is yer sister, dick. Westie pansy.

@badgerlass – stupid hoor.

The high-stakes dialogue continued until after midnight with over 300 twitter users weighing in behind either Dougan or Farrell, with landmarks (e.g. Ardboe Cross v the Tin Men), footballers (e.g. Frank McGuigan v Ryan McMenamin), politicians (e.g.Michelle O’Neill v Barry McElduff) petrol prices and weather all used as weapons in the heated exchanges.

With no let up in the argument the following morning, and amidst threats of ‘arriving up with a crowd of our ones‘ from both sides, Twitter was moved to suspend over 700 accounts from the county for 24 hours in order to dampen emotions and calm the situation.

The Tyrone Tourism Board are to meet this evening to brainstorm ideas on how to repair east v west relations, with a ‘sharing and exchange of home-made gifts’ somewhere near the Ballygawley roundabout the firm favourite.

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Released 1986 Files Reveals British Fear Of Tyronnies

Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink

Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink

Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.

When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.

The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:

  • The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
  • Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned beef.
  • Loughmacrory men used a petrol cologne before going to dances
  • Urney was a no-go area for Strabanese locals

Winklebottom admitted meeting a Tyronnie on the streets of London had most MPs tossing and turning at night:

“Do you know scientists in 1986 were sure that a Tyrone woman could wrestle a bear and defeat it? They carried out 3 experiments and all 3 times, the woman from Dromore won. And the men were all into Boomtown Rats, Springsteen and the Undertones, and dressed accordingly. We’ve always had trouble with Tyrone going back 1000 years now and if they’d mobilised the whole of Tyrone in 1983 we’d have been hammered. Then Johnny Logan arrived on the scene and they softened a bit.”

Other secret revelations and plans from 1986 included:

  • Fly Frank McGuigan over from America to give the restless locals something to go and watch at the weekends.
  • Build a Nuclear Power Station at the Washingbay
  • Reclaim Ballinderry
  • Amalgamate Augher and Clogher to create Claugher.
  • Make the Chopper bicycle the new county coat of arms

The catalogue of files for 1986-197 will be publicly available online on PRONI website from Tuesday 27 December 2013 and files will be available to view at PRONI from Friday 30 December.

Civil War Unavoidable As Tyrone Lay Claim To Ballinderry Outright

Tyrone champions 2014?

Tyrone champions 2014?

Tensions are running high tonight in Ballinderry after a leaked document from the ‘maps department’ at Stormont indicates that Ballinderry will now be considered wholly in Tyrone, starting from August 1st, after a re-alignment of the Ballinderry River.

The Ballinderry parish has long straddled the Tyrone border with the sizeable Ballylifford village until now claimed as being on the Derry side with Derrychrin, a much more civilised community, on the Tyrone side. The Ballinderry River was seen as the natural geographical border but that is about to change with the proposed new route for the river. A Tyrone county council spokesman told us:

“If the rumours are true, then this is class news. Everyone knows that the best looking women at the Greenvale come from the Derry side of the river. Our parents didn’t allow us to fraternize with them for obvious reasons. More importantly, Ballinderry’s All-Ireland title in 2002 is now on our records. We will be parading that team around Omagh tomorrow week. I also believe they won 12 Derry titles. Those sides will now play our champions for that same year. The 1927 fixture will be hard to fix up against Donaghmore Eire ogs.”

Not all welcomed the news with such good humour. An elderly local, named simply as “McGuckin”, reacted angrily:

“Balls to this. We won’t go down without a fight. We used to bate the shite out of them Moortown and Ardboe ones on the field. We’ll do the same on our doorsteps when they come for us. We’ll lay waste to the land as a last resort. There’s no way I’m shouting for the red arses next year. Yiz can take Derrychrin but we’ll be Oak Leafers til the deathbed.”

The PSNI have issued a warning to anyone resisting the swtichover that they will be dealt with severely. On August 2nd, houses north of the river will be searched and any pictures of Dana, Seamus Heaney, Henry Downey, Enda Muldoon or Conleith Gilligan will be destroyed. Small statues of Frank McGuigan and Chris Lawn have been sent to all households in the present Derry region of the parish to help them acclimatise to the new changes. The whole of Lissan might be given to Derry as a thank you.

paul g moss

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