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“I Did Not Say It Was OK To Kick Derry Ones In The Balls” Says Pope

Cookstown, earlier

Cookstown, earlier

Despite pronouncements from pulpits across the county this evening during various masses, Pope Francis has moved quickly to deny that he sanctioned ‘kicking Derry people in the testicular reason for slabbering and stuff‘. 

Following on from his views on smacking children and boxing anyone who slagged his mother, thousands of mass-goers believed clergy when they sanctioned the use of the foot on the nether regions on anyone from the other side of the Sperrins in the name of The Holy Father.

Depsite the Pope’s statement tonight, it has been reported that hundreds of kicks have been dished out already to Derry ones who have strayed into Tyrone territory, especially around Cookstown and Ballinderry. Fr Toner, an 88-year old priest from Carrickmore, has urged his parishioners to ignore the Pope’s denial:

“The Pope is just backing down because of a media backlash since the smacking children thing. He has got cold feet but I urge my flock to stuck to the original message. And remember what I said, steel toe-capped Doctor Marten’s are the best job.”

When questioned by parishioners on how severe the kick should be, Fr Toner said it is in direct proportion to the slabbering:

“Depends on the level of tripe coming out of the Derry man’s mouth. If he’s just slagging family members and stuff like that then just a flick to the knackers is enough. However, full-on oral manure deserves a crippling and prolonged hammering.”

Spokesmen for the Vatican confirmed that Pope Francis has nothing against Derry people and that he really loved Dana’s All Kinds Of Everything from the early 70s but wasn’t as fussed on The Undertones.

 

 

Released 1986 Files Reveals British Fear Of Tyronnies

Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink

Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink

Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.

When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.

The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:

  • The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
  • Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned beef.
  • Loughmacrory men used a petrol cologne before going to dances
  • Urney was a no-go area for Strabanese locals

Winklebottom admitted meeting a Tyronnie on the streets of London had most MPs tossing and turning at night:

“Do you know scientists in 1986 were sure that a Tyrone woman could wrestle a bear and defeat it? They carried out 3 experiments and all 3 times, the woman from Dromore won. And the men were all into Boomtown Rats, Springsteen and the Undertones, and dressed accordingly. We’ve always had trouble with Tyrone going back 1000 years now and if they’d mobilised the whole of Tyrone in 1983 we’d have been hammered. Then Johnny Logan arrived on the scene and they softened a bit.”

Other secret revelations and plans from 1986 included:

  • Fly Frank McGuigan over from America to give the restless locals something to go and watch at the weekends.
  • Build a Nuclear Power Station at the Washingbay
  • Reclaim Ballinderry
  • Amalgamate Augher and Clogher to create Claugher.
  • Make the Chopper bicycle the new county coat of arms

The catalogue of files for 1986-197 will be publicly available online on PRONI website from Tuesday 27 December 2013 and files will be available to view at PRONI from Friday 30 December.

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