Cookstown, earlier

Despite pronouncements from pulpits across the county this evening during various masses, Pope Francis has moved quickly to deny that he sanctioned ‘kicking Derry people in the testicular reason for slabbering and stuff‘. 

Following on from his views on smacking children and boxing anyone who slagged his mother, thousands of mass-goers believed clergy when they sanctioned the use of the foot on the nether regions on anyone from the other side of the Sperrins in the name of The Holy Father.

Depsite the Pope’s statement tonight, it has been reported that hundreds of kicks have been dished out already to Derry ones who have strayed into Tyrone territory, especially around Cookstown and Ballinderry. Fr Toner, an 88-year old priest from Carrickmore, has urged his parishioners to ignore the Pope’s denial:

“The Pope is just backing down because of a media backlash since the smacking children thing. He has got cold feet but I urge my flock to stuck to the original message. And remember what I said, steel toe-capped Doctor Marten’s are the best job.”

When questioned by parishioners on how severe the kick should be, Fr Toner said it is in direct proportion to the slabbering:

“Depends on the level of tripe coming out of the Derry man’s mouth. If he’s just slagging family members and stuff like that then just a flick to the knackers is enough. However, full-on oral manure deserves a crippling and prolonged hammering.”

Spokesmen for the Vatican confirmed that Pope Francis has nothing against Derry people and that he really loved Dana’s All Kinds Of Everything from the early 70s but wasn’t as fussed on The Undertones.