Monthly Archives: August 2023
Stewartstown To Land On Moon Next, To Establish Butchers And Credit Union On Dark Side
Following India’s successful landing on the south pole of the moon, Stewartstown Council has confirmed that fundraising has started in the town to pay for a space station near Tullyhogue, aiming at a 2025 manned launch to the dark side of the moon.
The proposed location, named Tin Station, has been cleared of trees and hedges in anticipation of the completion of the £1.7b fundraising campaign. Organisers have asked for civilian volunteers with experience of working in a butcher’s shop, as well as in a Credit Union, to go on the rocket.
Henry Fee explained:
“Stewartstown is not only going to the moon. We’re going to colonise the dark side, starting with outrageous deals in kebabs and joints, as well as attractive interest loans for the locals through the Credit Union we’ll open. The Cliffords will be welcome too.”
The first fundraising event will take place next week at a Bazaar in the clubrooms. First prize is a year’s free parking at Drum Manor Forest Park.
Three volunteers have already taken the aptitude test with all three unfortunately failing. Two of them were in their 80s and the final one had a history of diarrhea.
India have yet to comment.
Brackaville Man Identifies As A Dog. Allowed To Urinate In Public.
An ex-Brackaville plasterer has been granted permission to identify as a dog, named Duke, and has demanded that his local pub allows him to urinate in public as well as groom himself in full daylight if he wants to.
Duke McNally, who is now 7 instead of 49, made his first appearance today as a dog, walking the whole way to Coalisland sniffing and barking at passers-by. Duke has also requested that his local Spar stock up on juicy bones and squeaky toys.
When asked how his first day went, Duke replied, whilst walking around in circles:
“I usually bark these days but for this interview I’ll use a few words. Yes, it has been good apart from some slabber from Newmills who kept throwing a stick into the middle of the road and it nearly killed me trying to fetch it. But apart from that, people have been good and even the lad whose shoes I pissed on just laughed and said ‘silly Duke’ and rubbed my head. Woof.”
Duke McNally will go back to the plastering tomorrow but will be allowed to take long naps and growl at people he doesn’t like.
Wife Reports Husband For Not Putting Phone On Flight Mode During Plane Journey.
A Carrickmore bricklayer was sent home on landing in Portugal after his wife reported him to officials for not putting his phone on flight-mode during their outward holiday journey to Faro.
Mary McCallan, who continued with her holiday with her six children anyway, attracted the attention of three flight attendants to her husband’s disregard for plane rules after he kept checking on Twitter how Carrickmore U16s were doing in a friendly game against Derrylaughan.
Mary had no regrets about her husband being deported on landing:
“Serves him right. If everyone else abides by the rules, why shouldn’t he? He was pretending to listen to Garth Brooks on his Spotify but I saw him refreshing the Twitter. We’ll have a good time without the bollocks.”
Mr McCallan (55) went back to work on a building site in Pomeroy this morning, and was met with his co-workers wearing snorkles and swimming trunks to wind him up.
McCallan was sent home at midday after punching a colleague who suggested that his wife is probably tackling some Portguese lad as they speak.
Church Scandal As Hidden Confession Charges Revealed
Vatican representatives have distanced themselves from the revelations that worshippers are being charged for a rash of hidden charges whilst going to confessions across the county.
It emerged late last week that the following fines have recently been imposed at confessional booths:
- £10 if confessions last more than 20 mins
- £10 if too long is spent on justifying the sin
- £10 for stammerers
- £5 for over 5 sins
- £20 if the same sins are used twice in a 3-month sinning period
A 77-year-old parishioner from Strabane, who wishes to remain anonymous, fumed
“I had to go to the Credit Union last month for confessions and all I did was swear under my breath at the wife and have bad thoughts about the weather woman on TG4, but I’ve a stutter. It’s a disgrace during this cost of living crisis. I’d save more money dead, or just sinning away like a bollocks.”
A priest in Cappagh is hearing confessions without hidden charges but is currently booked out until 2025.
Tyrone Tribulations 