Monthly Archives: September 2020
Fights Must Be Finished By Midnight Outside Pubs, To Be Announced This Week
The Assembly are to announce a new rash of rules for pub-going this week in a bid to curb the spread of Covid-19. Fighting, courting and slabbering are all on the menu for discussion this week at Stormont.
Although the press conference will not take place until Thursday, a leaked document spells out a range of new conditions for revellers:
- Fights must be finished or broken up by 12am.
- Last minute romantic courting must begin at 10.30 and last no longer than 15 mins with members of the same or opposite sex.
- You can only curt/tackle people from your own parish and your hands must be visible at all times. Cousins are allowed in BT71, 77 and 78.
- Slow songs can only be played for 10 minutes and one of them must be Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh played in full.
- 6 people can sit at your table but at least 4 of them must look like each other a bit.
- Slabbering at taxi drivers must be done with a mask on.
All new rules will come into force on October 7th and and breaches will be dealt with harshly.
Meanwhile Dungannon ones have been told to stop leppin about if their footballers win the last league game.
Dungannon Park To Be Renamed ‘Jim Allister Stadium’ And May Host All Ireland In 2022
Following today’s free publicity in the Assembly by TUV leader Jim Allister, the 70 acre Dungannon Park area is to apply to have the idyllic oasis turned into one of the biggest GAA grounds in Ireland to be named after the MLA man himself.
The ambitious 70’000 seater stadium will honour the TUV MLA who hinted today of his wish for a modern GAA ground beside the Moy Road which could serve the whole of Ulster, even Monaghan, Cavan and Donegal.
Park ranger Tommy O’Colton beamed:
Fair play til Allister. I never knew of his deep-rooted desire to capitalise on the Dungannon success. This man is a visionary and should even have a statue of himself on the walkway in. Yer man Gildernew can pay in though.
Plans are already in place to have the All-Ireland of 2022, the Commonwealth Games and the LGBQT Games, of which Allister is a fervent supporter, to be played in the Park.
Parents who walk children in the area and feed ducks have been told to go to Peatlands or Drum Manor and to stop whinging.
Vote For Your Favourite Hedge In Tyrone
In a bid to raise spirits amidst the current new restrictions, the Tyrone Tourism Board have asked people to upload photos of their favourite hedge to this website. The winner will receive a free hedge cut for the whole parish for less than a fiver each.
So far, we have had four astonishing entries.
- Ardboe
This hedge in Ardboe captures the natural beauty of the loughshore. Our expert says it encapsulates the rustic nature of an area renowned for its cattle and fishing. It’s called ‘the hedge’.
2. Plumbridge
‘Pruning in the Plum’ is a majestic example of the seasonal Plumbridge effect. In summer, this hedge would be thriving with wildlife and leaves and sometimes people.
3. Strabane
This big hedge is known as the ‘tall buckin hedge’ in the greater Strabane area and was famously jumped by Red Rum when the horse came to stay in 1976.
4. Windmill
Harry’s Hedge outside the Windmill is our final entry so far. It is reportedly the hardest hedge in Tyrone to maintain and has broken over 400 pairs of shears so far since it was grown in 1974.
All entries should be accompanied with a £6 postal order made payable to Tyrone Tribulations.
Clarkes Evoke Jack Charlton “Granny Rule” Ahead Of Championship Final
Tyrone Tribulations understands that Dungannon Thomas Clarkes GAC has already evoked “The Granny Rule” which became famous in the 1990 World Cup by Jack Charlton and his charges in order to capitalise on the foreign national population currently living in the town, and has done so without the blessing of HQ at Croke Park
We understand multi-lingual flyers have been placed in Moy Park, Linden Foods and Powerscreen to name but three local businesses in an attempt to secure all potential talent. We caught up with raising gaelic star Paolo Cuineihera for his thoughts
“ach well aye, I’ve been togging out for Donaghmore for the last three seasons and Dungannon haven’t taken heed of me yet, and me LCC top scorer three weeks running this year. It seems as if they just want to branch out and grab anyone they can in a bid to get one up on Trillick and rub their faces in it for that defeat in the intermediate championship a lock of years ago. Its tara hi”
It is understood that Clarkes backroom staff have approached a number of experts at an MMA gym for “special assistance” but denied this was anything to do with potential violence, despite the fact mannequins with Matty Donnelly’s head on them have been spotted in the Clarkes changing rooms.
Trillick has declined to comment, other than to shout “Hon te buck Fermanagh” at this shocked reporter.
Omagh School Makes Non Mask Wearers Watch ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ In Detention
Mask-wearing by pupils in a comprehensive school in Omagh has almost reached 100% after non-maskers were forced to watch There’s No Place Like Tyrone after school for an hour every day last week.
St Feichin’s on the Gortin Road were worried that a relaxed approach to mask wearing would lead to an explosion of Covid-19 cases in the area and decided to act fast before it was too late.
Principal Lorcan McGlorgan explained:
“Yes it was a problem. However, one of our bright sparks on the senior management came up with the idea of threatening them with compulsory viewing of There’s No Place Like Tyrone whilst wearing a mask for an hour after school. We are now at 99.94% this week. One lad forgot his. We let him off with just 20 mins of the second series.”
Meanwhile, canteen staff in the school have been commended for their delivery of food to pupils in the school whilst maintaining health and safety measures.
Pupils can now eat hot dogs by bringing their own baps and holding them out as the canteen staff fire sausages from 10 feet away into the bap. Last week, 679 out of 711 of the sausages landed spot-on in the baps.
Edendork To Resist Proposed New Dungannon Boundary & Allege GAA Gerrymandering
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Officials in Edendork are up in arms alleging that Dungannon Borough Council are guilty of engaging in “gaelic gerrymandering”, following new 30mph limit signs being relocated to just south of Darren McCurry’s home house, extending Dungannon’s reach by a couple of miles.
The chairman of the club has accused Dungannon Clarkes GAA as having a hand in the action, in a bid to annex some of the local talent to assist its mission for a first ever O’Neill cup victory on Sunday 20 September.
Groundsman, Peadar McAtasney, confirmed:
“Aye they are some shower of bolloxes. The signs were unearthed at 2.00am last night and wheeled down the road on the back of a Datsun and re-erected just outside Mallaghans. They are hoping that it means that by default McCurry becomes a Clarkes man, and will tog out for them in the Senior final. I heard on the grapevine they wanted to get it as far as Morgan’s home place too, but that would mean taking half of Brackaville with them, and sure what would be the point in that. It’s unreal, considering the wealth they have at their disposal with all the endorsements and prime billions in sponsorship that comes with being based in a major town, that they would stoop to such a low”
Husband of one, McAtasney, went on, pointedly:
“sure luk at the cut of thon: it says you are now leaving Dungannon right outside our pitch. My Grandfather didn’t die in the war for this. It would sicken ye… Anyway, I’m away to move these sheep, they’re atein’ away at the goal mouth there a bit much”
It is understood that should this move be rubber stamped by Dungannon Council at an emergency meeting convened for this evening, that up to one fifth of the Edendork population would be left with no choice but to ditch the gold and green colours of Edendork, to don the green and gold of Dungannon. If the move were to be successful, it would mean eighteen O’Donnells, five McGearys, half a dozen Mallons would be annexed, and force to play for their closest rivals, with some predicting riots and no more Powerscreen gear being permitted to get near the M1.
In other unrelated news, a row has broken out as to where the real Gortin is, whether at the top of the Coalisland Road, or the other Gortin. Tempers have frayed between several oul biddys on Facebook, who have promised to settle their differences at half time of the Intermediate final. We will be opening a book and selling hot dogs at the event.
Dungannon Barbers At Breaking Point Ahead Of Live RTE Match
Three Dungannon barbers have pleaded for no more customers after working flat out since last Sunday when it was announced that Dungannon Clarkes GAA club would play live on TV for the first time ever.
Timmy Timlin (56) admitted he had a mini-breakdown on Wednesday after 67 cuts within the first 3 hours, the majority asking for blonde highlights as well.
There were even lads like oul Colton the hurler walking in and him with frig all to work with. I gave him a Mohican and charged him a fiver. It’s just mental. I really worry if they get to the final. I can only do a two at the sides and one on the top really. The Mohican was easy.
Adrian Logan and Darren Clarke are also rumoured to be attending tomorrow night as well as Ken Maginnis, or Baron Maginnis of Drumglass as he prefers to be called at matches.
Dungannon will play Errigal Ciaran tomorrow live on RTE at 7.30pm and will be screened live at Curley’s.
Tyrone Man Holds In Cough For Nearly An Hour At Portglenone Monastery And Soils Himself
A Clogher man who feared scaring other visitors into thinking that he had the Covid by coughing out loud, eventually soiled himself after holding in the cough for 45 minutes during a period of strict silence in honour of the Trappist Monks.
Fortunately for the young welder, the monks were able to use his defecation to power electricity in the monastery for three days due to a feed of cabbage and spuds he devoured before he left the house that afternoon.
Pious McGlone, 44, admitted to the deed but only because he wanted to spare other observers from worrying that he had the coronavirus:
Yes, it was quite the handlin. I was bursting to cough but didn’t want to ruin other people’s day. I was gagging and wretching after 30 mins trying not to cough but finally let rip after 45. Only it came out the wrong way. I’m just glad I was able to provide the monks with three days of electric by what I produced. A silver lining.
A spokesperson for the monks have thanked McGlone for his gift but added that no more is needed and that this was an exceptional circumstance.
McGlone coughed all the way home after it emerged he had a bit of a chocolate eclair sweet stuck in his throat.
Tyrone Tribulations 