Monthly Archives: April 2021

Arlene In Leadership Bother After Scoring A Fine Point During Kickabout With Michelle

Leaked BBC footage of the Foster/O’Neill kickabout at a girls’ soccer training session in Cookstown last week has earned her a spot of bother after it showed her soloing the ball before knocking it over the bar and announcing ‘take your points and the goals will come, eh O’Neill?’.

DUP members are said to be livid after an insider leaked the full footage which wasn’t shown on their news bulletins. The video also picked up Foster commenting that ‘Ricey could be doing with me the year’, an obvious reference to her beloved Fermanagh GAA manager Ryan Ricey McMenamin.

An anonymous moustached DUP member from Belfast fumed:

“Listen I’ve done some silly things in my time but even taking off all your clothes and cavorting in a field isn’t on the same scandalous level of thinking you’re the next Peter Canavan and you the DUP leader. Although she took her point well, it’s the next step to a United Ireland. You wouldn’t have caught the Reverend with a size 5 in his hands. She has to go.”

The footage went on to show Foster asking O’Neill to perform the same point-scoring task. O’Neill soloed and hopped the ball once before Foster blindsided her and shouldered her into a nearby ditch, telling her to ‘get up to f**k’.

Punters Urged By Assembly Not To Say ‘Aaaah’ After First Pint Post-Lockdown

After a heated debate today during the Covid Assembly Hour at Stormont, most parties agreed that exclamations after the first sip of beer when bars open should be acknowledged with a nod or smirk as opposed to the traditional groan of satisfaction for fear of jeopardising the current downward cases of Covid-19.

Traditionally, especially after a long time without a pint from a bar, imbibers would react to the first sip with an exaggerated ‘aaahhh’ of ‘Jaysus that’s great’. Although the DUP, SF and Alliance agreed that the latter is acceptable and does not contribute to potential spread of the virus, the UUP and SDLP maintained that saying ‘Jaysus that’s great’ was unnecessary and should be replaced with a wink or a wipe of the lips with the sleeve and a smile.

Bars have been asked to install more CCTV cameras with extra strong sound detection equipment in case someone says ‘aaaah’ quietly or from behind a sleeve or napkin.

In other news, Rioting Studies is to be offered in the University of Ulster next year. Students interested in the course are to detail rioting experience on their UCAS forms.

Tyrone Footballers Posing As Click And Collect Garden Centre Workers To Overcome Training Ban – AT THE SAME CENTRE

Tyrone players, hiding

The Tyrone senior county team have apparently avoided censorship by GAA officials for collective training by posing as workers at the Garvaghey Garden Centre Click and Collect section since last week, until now.

All 28 squad members as well as the entire management team have been employed by the new outlet and have been sharpening teamwork skill and speed of delivery under the watchful eyes of managers Dooher and Logan who have ‘supervisor’ badges on them.

The ruse was discovered when Mark Bradley dropped a pallet of Rhododendrons and was berated by one of the supervisors and told to do 100 press-ups. He was also told he’d have no chance of ‘Clones the year’ if he dropped another one.

Customer Stevie Digney from Scotstown fumed:

“I knew they were working it somehow. This county invented the dark arts. How they’ve been getting away with it was a mystery, but not now. When I saw Cathal McShane dodging and diving around the Cherry Blossoms the penny dropped. The red hair and Australian accent was a giveaway I hope the Irish News follow this up.”

Dooher and Logan were unavailable for comment as they are halfway through a 12-hr shift.

Dessie Farrell and Banty McEnaney are monitoring the situation closely from their isolation chambers.

Mickey Harte’s New Photography Hobby Not Linked To Secret Dublin Training Pics Say Louth GAA

Louth GAA were quick to throw cold water on the rumours that Leinster rivals Dublin were caught training by the fresh photography skills of new manager Mickey Harte.

Harte, who took up the reins of managing the Wee County at the end of last year, managed to fill free time in recent months by taking up photography and was spotted around pitches frequented by Dublin squads in the past, albeit trying to snap pictures of curlews and other birds that reminded him of home.

However, rumours that he took photos of Fenton and Cooper training are way off the mark according to Louth committee member Gerard Sludden:

“I know for a fact that Mickey did not take them photos. He uses one of them instant camera things and wouldn’t have the zoom capacity clearly used in the leaked photos. Listen, if we beat Dublin this year because their players have been jailed over this it’s their fault. And Louth are rising anyway.”

Harte will begin his tenure in charge of Louth in Division 4 which also sees one of his 00s players Enda McGinley in opposition in charge of Antrim. Rumours that Harte was seen near Casement Park taking photos of murals has been brought to McGinley’s attention.

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