Monthly Archives: May 2022

Anglo-Celt Cup Delighted At Polite Treatment In New Home In Derry

The Anglo-Celt cup has heaped praise on its new home after being showered with compliments since its arrival last night. The trophy, which has resided in neighbouring counties in recent years, has been amazed at the respect shown towards it, with almost everyone calling it ‘Sir’.

“I can’t get over how nice these Derry ones are. It’s ‘sir’ this and ‘sir’ that. I was in Slaughtneil last night and even when they were filling me full of Harp they were still saying things like ‘bate in into ye, Sir’ or ‘jaysus that tasted good, Sir.’ And the funny thing is, I’ve never been knighted and never would be.”

The Anglo-Celt has been penciled in for a trip to Ballinderry, with Derry officials running a military-like operation to keep it away from the Tyrone ones after what happened to it in the Moy last year. The trophy refused to be drawn on what happened that night last July but claimed it was worse than the time the Donegal ones kicked the lining out of it, up and road the main road in Bundoran.

Derry officials will end a whirlwind tour of the county by bringing it to Barry’s in Portrush which isn’t in Derry, but the slot machines in Portstewart aren’t as good.

1000s Sign Petition To Get Teachers And Pupils To Stay In School Over Summer

A petition, which started in Carrickmore, has now over 8000 county-wide signatures asking for schools to remain open over the summer holidays to make up for lost time over the last few years.

Organisers have denied the accusation that it is a petition motivated by revenge due to long periods of homeschooling and general presence of children in the house for far longer than normal during the past 24 months.

Margaret Tynan, a mother of 9 from Plumbridge, explained:

“Now that schools are nearly back to normal, we think it’s only right that children stay in for 2 months to make up for lost time. Let’s be honest, they did nothing during remote learning. And as for the teachers, don’t start me. I heard one teacher say ‘for f**k sake’ when my son showed up for his online class, thinking no one would. Get them all into work.”

Schools have been using an open-window policy during the height of the pandemic and will be advised to keep them open during the scorching heat of July if the petition is successful.

Teaching Unions are expected to challenge the petition.

First Shots Fired As Armagh Stop Supply Of Apples To Tyrone

In what could be the start of a series of sanctions either side of the Blackwater, Armagh farmers, in an effort to unsettle their bush-dwelling neighbours, have ceased selling apples to Tyrone vendors and the general Red-Hand public as of today, 26th May – a full 10 days before both counties meet in a winner-takes-all back door game in the Athletic grounds.

Homes throughout Tyrone will have to forgo apple pies, apple crumbles and just apple-eating in general for the foreseeable future due to the draconic sanctions which have been allegedly attributed to McGeeney and his backroom team.

Thousands of Tyrone school children left home this morning in floods of tears, having to do with pears and mangos instead of their traditional apple and a lump of cheese.

Pat McHurl from Ardboe, who has been eating apples since he was about 3, fumed:

“If this is how they want to play it, bring it on. Tyrone airspace and waters are a no-go area from now on for Armagh ones with their drones, pigeons and boats. I saw a boy from Maghery veer towards the Washingbay in his boat this morning and he received two air rifle pellets as a warning inches above his head. Pigeons with Armagh heads on them are legitimate targets.”

Local politicans have appealed for calm as there are still 10 days left.

Coalisland Miss Out On City Status Due To Lack Of Legal Parking Spaces

The Queen of England denied Coalisland’s application for city status after walking through the town on Google Maps and being aghast at the lack of official parking facilities, as well as the roundabout not being big enough or just even used.

Additionally, it emerged that a Dungannon man, nicknamed Tee Colton, sabotaged the bid after writing to Buckingham Palace slagging Coalisland about its lack of castles and swimming pools.

An angry Coalisland man who has lived in the town since 1929, and took part in the infamous cinema brawl after Rocky 3 was shown in the picture house, summed up the mood of the town:

“Fcuk her. Coalisland is the centre of the county, the province and possibly the world. We don’t want her and her horses looking for parking and them shiteing all over our beautiful roads. And as for Colton, that’s the last time I’ll shop in Wellworths.”

Brackaville is tabling a bid for city status in 2028 by tidying up the golf course and chasing the goat away from the 5th hole.

Brocagh Bride Marries Best Man By Mistake After Bulb Went Out In Church

A Brocagh woman is considering her options after mistakenly marrying the best man, her groom’s brother who returned to Ireland last week, during a twilight wedding in the local church last week.

Brigid Vernon, who used to date the best man, Brendan Hanna, in the 80s before he broke her heart by leaving to go to America to sell water filters, says she got mixed up during the ring ceremony and put the ring on her groom-to-be’s brother in the semi-darkness, despite the groom, Tommy, asking ‘what the f**k are ye at?’ at the time.

Brigid, who is currently honeymooning with the best man in Mexico, told us that the unfortunate incident was simply a series of coincidences due to the bulb going out on the altar ten minutes before the twilight ceremony started.

It’s some handling alright. To be fair, Brendan has enjoyed himself on the holiday so far and we’ve been reminsicing about good times at Clubland although I haven’t brought up the time he dumped me to go sell water filters in the States though I’m sure I’ll bring it up tonight when I’ve a few pints in me. I hope Tommy is ok at home though. I’ll see what happens when I get back sure.”

Brocagh Parish has promised to fix the bulbs in the church as soon as Brigid gets back as she has the contract for lighting in the building.

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