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Tensions Surface Again In Cavanagh House After All-Star Colm Gets Extra Spud For Sunday Dinner

col-1Locals in the sleepy hamlet/village of Moy were said to be ‘walking on eggshells’ today after a Cavanagh Sunday dinner turned soured when Sean reacted badly to his brother Colm getting an extra spud for the first time since 2002.

Colm, who won Tyrone’s only All-Star at the weekend after another clinking year in the county jersey, was also seated at the head of the table, with Sean placed four seats down on one of the rickety chairs beside the radiator.

A neighbour said he knew things might cut up rough after Sean parked in Colm’s normal spot when arriving a full hour before the dinner commenced:

“You could feel the tension all day around that house. I knew it had exploded when I saw Sean on the lawn shouting something like ‘think you’re all it, don’t you?’ through the window of the main living room. I think Sean had been sent out to calm down by the wife.”

Another onlooker claimed that Sean was seen rummaging through his car boot to fetch his Player of the Year award from 2008.

“But Colm just stood at the house door smirking and playing an imaginary fiddle.”

The village has declared an ‘amber warning’ for tomorrow as the brothers tog out for training in preparation for their upcoming Intermediate semi-final.

 

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Top Geographer Confirms Hurricane Ophelia Blew Moy Into Armagh Permanently

 

tomneys-bar

Moy, Co Armagh

Confusion and denial have been words to describe the feelings of the Moy residents this morning after a top geographer from England confirmed that the Moy is now in Armagh after the recent strong winds and will stay there for a few million years.

 

Satellite images from the International Space Station indicated a geographical land shift in this particular area, with most of the Moy now on the southern side of the Blackwater. Doubt is now also being cast on the legitimacy of the All Ireland wins by Tyrone in the 2000s with any points scored by Moy players reportedly struck off their final tally.

Moy-proud mother Natalie Donaghy admitted she felt something change last week:

“I woke up the morning after the storm and had a real craving for apples and cheap diesel. That night I downed two bottles of Buckfast and that never happens. I even have replaced the picture of the Pope with one of Kieran McGeeney. The earth definitely moved that night.”

Unfortunately, there are calls for the 2008 All Ireland to be awarded to Kerry and the 2005 final to be replayed after scores by Moy players were chalked off. The 2003 final, ironically against Armagh, is untouched due to bad shooting from Moy men that day. Marsden was still retrospectively sent off for punching his own man, Philip Jordan.

Meanwhile, another land shift has seen Aughnacloy moved into Monaghan but no one has batted an eyelid about that.

 

Renewable Heat Incentive Scheme Debacle Explains All-Year-Round Farmer Tan And Giant Tomatoes

 

farmers-tan

Man-made Strabane tan

The controversy around the Renewable Heat Incentive scheme, an attempt by the Northern Ireland Executive to help to increase consumption of heat from renewable sources, has taken a further twist this morning after a whistleblower from Strabane produced more damning evidence of its misuse.

 

Leaked photos confirm that farmers from all over the county have been visiting a shed in Strabane which has been fitted out with 50 hi-tech sunbeds, fired by burning millions of wood pellets being sold on the black market by a strawberry farmer in Eglish.

The anonymous source, who was a long-term user of the sunbeds until a bad burning when he fell asleep in one, revealed the extent of the racket:

“Why did you think farmers had a deadly tan in winter? We all use the ‘Strabane Shed’ as it’s known in farming circles, some times three days a week, free of charge. Yer man is making millions whilst sporting a glowing tan all year around and the women hanging off him in he town. But it has to stop. The Health and Safety Policy is non-existent.”

Additionally, the puzzle of the prevelance of giant tomatoes across the county this year has finally been solved as other whistleblowers explained how sheds were also using the RHI scheme to create enormous fruit and vegetables. One such tomato was shared over 4 million times on social media after it was purchased on the side of a road near the M1. The picture showed that the tomato was bigger than the car wheel of a Seat Ibiza.

An SDLP councillor in Clady, PQ Guiney, warned:

“What don’t we know? I’ve heard stories that these sheds, with the heat powered by burning wooden pallets from the Moy, were being used to make really big sheep…you’d have to wonder why.”

Arlene Foster has yet to comment on this new evidence.

 

 

Colm Cavanagh ‘Distraught’ At Brother Sean’s Decision

inpho_00959862Colm Cavanagh, arguably Tyrone’s most influential player in recent years, was said to be ‘on the rip big time‘ for a second day around the Moy after his illustrious brother announced he’ll be playing for another year for the county team. 

Close friends have rallied around the younger brother who expected to be named Tyrone senior captain next year in Sean’s permanent absence. Family members also confirmed that Sean even handed over the captain’s armband to an elated Colm during a family dinner last week in Dungannon.

Best friend and fellow club man Pat Mackle revealed:

“Colm’s ripping. He was sure he’d have a rattle at the captaincy next year. Sure Sean’s only doing this cos he hates the accountancy and likes getting away an hour early for training and missing the odd Monday. And then there’s the team holiday. Sean’s always nabbing the free shampoo and stuff. Colm’s on some bender now.”

Rumours are also circulating that Peter Canavan bet Sean £1000 years ago that he’d never be a senior All-Ireland winning captain and Sean is reluctant to hand over the grand.

Mackle added:

“Colm also said that Sean wants to have even another card introduced into the game in his name – the Blue Card – for complaining to the ref too much, just to annoy Joe Brolly. It’s about time Sean thought about his younger brother for once. Colm has been catching balls out of the sky like a big high-fielding salmon for 24 months now. He’s the main man.”

Locals explained how Sean attempted to placate his brother last night outside the off-licence by offering him leggings from Begley’s shop, a replica All-Star and a match programme from the 2003 All-Ireland final. Colm, reportedly, shook his head and walked off towards Tomneys.

Family members are also now concerned about the proposed brass statue unveiling of the legendary Sean in the middle of the hamlet next month. Colm was due to pull off the cover.

Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics

Typical O'Neill from Coalisland

Typical O’Neill from Coalisland

The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.

The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.

The following list summarises the main changes:

O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.

O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.

O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.

O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.

Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.

Frampton Of The Opera Gets Green Light For Moy Festival

carl_frampton copyOrganisers of The Moy’s Annual Outdoor Summer Gala have pulled off a major coup by persuading double world champion Carl Frampton to sing opera songs for two hours on the back of a lorry in the village on the final day of the gala.

Promoted as ‘Frampton of the Opera’, the Belfast boxer will perform hits such as ‘The Music of the Night’ and ‘Phantom of the Opera’ as well as other well-known operatic numbers including ‘Nessun Dorma’ and ‘Ave Maria’ for two hours. Barry McGuigan, an accomplished singer himself, has already begun training his protégé in a studio in Monaghan.

Moy Gala organiser Calum ‘Rosy’ O’Makily maintains he was always confident that his Frampton of the Opera would always come off:

“Years ago we persuaded another Belfast boxer, Wayne McCullough, to do a whole concert of Prince songs which we called ‘Purple Wayne’ and he was brilliant. These boxers are afeared of nothing and I’ve the utmost respect for them. Sean Cavanagh and Philly Jordan are heroes around here but they weren’t interested in doing the opera. Frampton never even had to think about it before accepting our offer.”

O’Makily confirmed that the only payment Frampton will receive is a packet of crisps and some mineral as all money made by the concert will go towards a bronze statue of Ryan Mellon who scored the first point in the 2005 All-Ireland Final.

The statue has been a thorn of contention for the village as it emerged Mellon is related to O’Makily and he actually came 18th in a poll carried out as to who it should be, with the fiction character of E.T. initially winning the vote.

Frampton of the Opera will take place on the last Sunday in August, before the unveiling of the statue.

Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016

dallol

Eglish Lough, 2016

Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.

 

OMAGH

“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)

COOKSTOWN

“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)

MOY

“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)

STRABANE

“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)

ARDBOE

“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)

Moy To Be Totally Run On Human Waste By 2020

kenya_human_waste_bioreactor_2The Moy, which is set to become the first area in the new Mid Ulster Council district to have access to natural gas as a fuel source early next year, have revealed plans to be completely self-sufficient on human waste within 5 years.

If deadlines are met, The Moy will join Fjikillippo in Iceland as the only hamlets on the planet run on excrement and wind, which economists reckon will bring millions of pounds to the area in tourism.

Moy Mayor Paul Montague is confident that the current projections are accurate:

“I am 100% committed to the 2020 project and I’m completely convinced we’ll have a fossil fuel free village before long. There’ll be no electricity poles or pylons as far as the eye can see or as far as Benburb even. We’ll link everything up to a big dungeon-type cage in the ground where people can dump their waste into or even do the business there and then over it. We’ll be using loads of Christmas tree car fresheners all over the place to disguise the smell.”

Neighbouring Eglish have reacted to the news with cynicism. Former Eglish GAA captain Mattie McGreenan growled:

“On one hand they’ve always been full of shite up in The Moy so they should have plenty of fuel for a century. But this is taking the piss. There’s no way them Moy ones will have the stomach for ferrying their excrement from their homes to that pit-type thing they’re storing it in. And how on earth are they going to transport their flatulence to the pit? It’s a farce.”

To the final question, Mayor Montague admitted their transporting of human wind has yet to be successfully solved but suggested it might simply be a case of using air-tight jam jars.

Intoxicated Tyrone Man Jailed For Burgling His Own House

Keogh, on CCTV

Keogh, on CCTV

In what has been described as a raucous courtroom, Moy mechanic Raymmie Keogh was sentenced to 6 months in Maghaberry after he was caught by police climbing through an open window of his own house with a bag of goods from his own living room.

Keogh, who had been drinking in a local establishment for 6 hours whilst celebrating his wife’s 50th birthday, maintains he was confused and drunk when he decided to burgle his own house after leaving the party earlier than his family.

Although Keogh’s legal team concentrated on the ludicrous nature of the accusation, the Omagh judge remained unconvinced and sentenced the Moy man because of his criminal intentions.

During his cross-examination, Keogh maintained:

“There’s not one man or woman in this building who hasn’t burgled or thought of burgling after a lock of pints,”

which was greeted with gasps and a determined denial with the shaking of heads from the judge and jury. Keogh explained further:

“When the taxi left me off at my place I was in no fit state to know it was my house and couldn’t even remember how I got there, even as the taxi sped off. So I saw that a window was left open, climbed in and lifted everything not nailed down in the living room, threw it into a Lidl bag and made off down the road again.”

Keogh was apprehended after he sobered up and returned home again only to find the police waiting with an identification, given to them by the taxi driver, matching his description. The driver also said he sang ‘A Nation Once Again’ throughout the journey, a signature tune in the mechanic’s repertoire. He admitted it probably was him after he vaguely recalled leaving a bag of goods outside the off-licence in the village.

In summing up, Judge Boyle said:

“I’ve never heard of a man burgling his own house. But the intention was there to do wrong. The fact that it’s his own home is neither here nor there,”

before slamming his hammer.

Mrs Keogh failed to bail out her husband. She has also claimed off her insurance for the missing goods despite the fact that the bag is still sitting outside the off-licence.

Harte To Sanction McAleer and Rushe Plans To Build Rocwell Plant On Mars

How a bottle of Rocwell might look on Mars

How a bottle of Rocwell might look on Mars

In a bid to widen the net for future Red Hand talent, it is understood that Mickey Harte will not stand in the way of a bid by sponsors McAleer and Rushe to build a water-mining plant on Mars, in a joint venture with fellow former sponsors Rocwell who will bottle ‘Red Water’ for public consumption on Earth and, eventually, Mars.

In a further complication, former county sponsors WJ Dolan have tendered a rival bid to construct the mining device although it is understood they have a preference for Perrier as bottlers, who have fancier offices in the Moy.

NASA Ireland marketing manager Hugh Armstrong admitted it was a tough call for Harte:

“Mickey will always go with the current regime. And to be fair, McAleer put together an attractive package with the entertaining one-way ticket option. They plan on having a public vote to decide who goes, with the favourites being Joe Brolly, Pat Spillane, Hugo Duncan, Julian from UTV, wasps, frackers, hackers, Derry ones, Armagh ones, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys and traffic wardens.”

1990s sponsors Powerscreen are reportedly coming on board and promise to eventually build a massive conveyor belt from Dungannon to Mars so workers can get there and back within a year and a half.

Armstrong added:

“You’d like to think that down the line Brand Tyrone will become such a well-known institution on Mars through the Rocwell initiative that we’ll maybe be able to avail of the first few martians born on the planet, especially for the troubled corner back positions.”

The Tyrone County Board have moved to distance themselves from rumours suggesting plans for a Mars ‘red diesel’ production plant have already been passed by a well-known business in the county.

Anger In Armagh Over Unavailabilty Of Delicious ‘Red Hand Hot Dog’ Outside Of Tyrone

Red Hand Hot Dog

Red Hand Hot Dog

In a remarkable similarity to the recent McDonald’s McMór controversy, County Armagh residents are considering a week-long protest after it emerged that the delicious Red Hand Hot Dog, which has been on sale in over 40 Tyrone fast food outlets since they beat Monaghan in the quarter final, will not have its licence extended outside of the confines of Tyrone’s borders.

The Red Hand Hot Dog has been labelled as the most succulent sausage in a bap ever tasted in Ireland, merging the finest pig meat from the county with fresh homemade baps, and has seen hordes of Armaghicans swarm over the Blackwater every night to feast on an estimated 800 hot dogs on a weekly basis.

Charlemont man and hot dog aficionado, Kevin McNicholl, fumed:

“This is partitionist, racist, xenophobic or something. Why are Tyrone people happy to take our money when we travel to their county to eat these delicious sausages but won’t allow us to serve it in our own county? Sure do you ever see us banning our apples from being consumed in Tyrone? They’re just being mean-spirited. So much for taking the bun out of politics.”

Moy chip shop owner Leo McPollin, the first person to make the food, admitted he had no interest in extending the selling rights to any outlet in Armagh:

“Armagh ones have no right to be looking the licence for the Red Hand Hot Dog. They’ll probably ruin it with apple sauce or something like that. And I refute the accusation that I’m racist. I’ve a dog reared in Maghery.”

A ‘We Exist Y’Know’ rally is to be held in Armagh City tomorrow from 2pm-4pm with protesters urged to come dressed as baps.

Sean Cavanagh’s Face Appearing All Over Tyrone

St Sean?

St Sean?

By Landan Seamy

As proof that Sean Cavanagh is on the side of the righteous, reports are coming in of his face appearing in unexpected places all over Tyrone.

Tyrone people have often been given stick that unlike all of their neighbours the county doesn’t have a saint of its own. This may be about to change.

Mary Lannigan from Moy has reported that she spotted his face on a Tayto crisp.

“Normally” she explained “I wouldn’t be seen dead buying a packet of Armagh crisps but I made an exception this year as they exited the competition so early. I took out a crisp only to see Sean Cavanagh smiling back at me. I was overcome with emotion and would have kept the crisp as proof for RTE but I was very hungry and it was the biggest crisp in the packet.”

As a sure sign that the reports are genuine many of their incidents seem to occur at a time of great despair. For example a young farmer from Cranagh, 60 year old Enda Killen, was quoted as saying

“This is the worst summer in my farming career. I was out in the field a few days ago looking up at the sky in disbelief wondering if the rain would ever cease when suddenly the clouds merged into a formation that looked wild like Sean Cavanagh and Mickey Harte holding a cup. I’m not certain if it was the Sam Maguire but it definitely looked bigger than the McKenna Cup”. “Mark my words”, Enda added “those two men will go places”.

One of the most unusual experiences came from a farmer near the border with Monaghan. The Aughnacloy man who wishes to remain anonymous said

“I’ve been keeping the cows in the byre this year due to the wet weather. On the Monday after the Tyrone match I was woke up at an unearthly hour to hear them out of the byre, running round the field turning it into pure muck. I was convinced it was spiteful Monaghan wans behind it but when I went out I could distinctly see Sean Cavanagh’s face in the muck. There was one cow in particular that was running round in circles as if she had BSE. When I got up close I could see that she was just adding the finishing touch by placing a halo over his head. I went and called my wife. She could clearly see the face although she argued that it might be Sean’s brother Colm. We went and called our neighbour to decide and she confirmed it was definitely Sean but to our surprise she also pointed to a corner of the field where a few calves had formed a gorgeous picture of Tiarnan McCann with his lovely hairdo almost perfect. That should put a stop to all the slabbering of O’Rourke and his ilk.”

Benburb Wet Sponge £30 Charity Funds ‘A Quare Lift’ Say Greek Authorities

£36

£36

The Benburb Joiners and Plumbers Society have been hailed as ‘saints’ after they raised £36 from a wet sponge game and donated £30 of it to Greece, strengthening their ancient ties with their sister city, Athens.

Greek treasurer and former Benburb Pipe Band member Pathos Havalavaho admitted the £30 was a ‘quare lift’ for his nation but questioned the retention of the £6 by the Benburb Joiners and Plumbers Society for administrative costs including expenses such as sponges and bucket.

“We are very grateful for the £30 but questions have to be asked about the remaining £6. Surely the sponges could have been donated and buckets aren’t exactly scare. This reeks of corruption but I still welcome the £30. It has given us a quare lift.”

Benburb, which was twinned with Athens in 1954 in what appears to be a spelling error when Beirut were firm favourites at the time to pair up with the Greek capital, have promised to hold future events to help ‘those less fortunate than us in Benburb’.

Moy entrepreneur and triangle maker Johnny Padden doubted whether Benburb charity people would honour that promise.

“On hundreds of occasions we’ve asked our neighbours in Benburb to raise money for the upkeep of our lovely flower beds in the village centre but they haven’t given us a bean. Yet, they’re flirting with the Greeks now. And another thing, Greece will never see that £6 as yer man Jordan who runs that charity in Benburb was steaming full earlier in Tomney’s. Crook.”

Meanwhile, Benburb Sunday passed off peacefully last weekend with only one man caught urinating.

Moy Man Accused Of Cynically Ironing Wife’s Clothes And Sledging Children During Breakfast

Cynical ironing

Cynical ironing

A long-suffering Armagh wife as decided to strike while the iron is hot and highlight the ‘typical Tyronisms’ she’d had to put up with since marrying her Moy husband in 1995.

Conor Mackers (45) has been accused of cynically ironing and making dinner whilst indulging in verbals with his children before school every morning. Mrs Mackers also claimed her husband would throw himself to the ground when out walking and then blame her for pushing him.

Caroline Mackers explained:

“There’d be days he’s ironing my blouses and he’s deliberately and cynically burning tassels or sleeves. You’d see him smirking after. Then when he’s asking the children about school during breakfast he’s start sledging them about how crap they are at the writing or sums. He’s a modern Tyrone man to the core and not the man I thought I’d married back in ’95.”

Mrs Mackers revealed how he deliberately tripped himself queueing up for Communion and then blamed it on a man from Maghery who was three down from him.

“It’s getting worse. This morning he was pulling on his own shirt over his head and then started grappling with himself, ripping his own shirt off again and finally flung himself to the floor. If that wasn’t bad enough he began slagging himself. It’s very inconvenient when we’re in a rush.”

Conor Mackers has played down the allegations and asked the public not to be sucked in by the one-sided allegations, adding ‘it takes two to tango’.

Meanwhile the Moy’s ‘Sledging and Slagging Competition’ has received over 400 applications this year with reigning champion Ainsley Coney from Ardboe favourite to retain his title.

 

Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border

Donegal car in outside McMahon's house in Omagh

Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh

Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.

News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.

In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.

A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:

“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”

Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.

No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.

Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager

Tyrone’s Victorious U21 Footballers Prepare For Harsh Reality Of Club Football

Player wearing earphones caused this brawl in Dromore

Player wearing earphones caused this brawl in Dromore

Several members of Tyrone triple All-Ireland winning teams from the mid 2000s have warned Feargal Logan’s U21 team to be prepared for increased digging and slapping sessions from opponents who cheered them on at the weekend, as they return to the Tyrone club scene.

A 2-time All-Ireland winner from that era, who wishes to remain anonymous, reckons fixtures down by the loughshore are to be feared as they ‘love to bring medallists down a peg or two‘ especially if they turn up to games wearing earphones or fancy boots.

“After the final whistle in 2005, three fellas from Ardboe carried me off the Croke Park turf on their shoulders, crying tears of joy. Two weeks later and the same three lads kicked the dung clean out of me when we played Ardboe in a meaningless league game. One of them even said ‘who do ye think ye are ye big-headed tramp‘ and I’m a quiet sort of lad.”

Logan is to send the victorious squad to a psychologist in Mayo for two days in order to prepare them for the verbals they’ll face from the average club player.

Carrickmore squad player Patsy Gormless admitted he can’t wait to get a chance to play against some of the new All-Ireland medallists:

“I remember playing against the Moy shortly after the 2003 All-Ireland final. I managed to deck all three of Cavanagh, Mellon and Jordan within five minutes of the throw in. Caught Jordan with a belter to the back of the head. He’s my favourite Tyrone player too and he made me so proud to be a Tyrone man that year. But he was probably thinking he was deadly so I cracked him.”

It was widely reported that after the 2008 All-Ireland win Ryan McMenamin purposely punched himself in a club game to knock the cockiness out of himself.

Referees have been told to be on their guard but were also warned that any decisions awarded to the new medallists will only antagonise opponents even more.

Meanwhile, an Ardboe defender admitted he purposely floored a county man playing for Omagh on Sunday for wearing his socks up too high.

DUP’s Proposed Tax On Ginger Babies ‘A Step Too Far’ Says Voters

Red Headed Ginger Celtic-0192iiheui

Following recent negative coverage, the DUP are teetering on the brink of implosion after it was revealed that, if successful in Fermanagh/South Tyrone this election, they will propose a hefty tax on ginger babies born in the constituency from September 2015 onwards.

A leaked document, found under a pallet of strawberries outside a vegetable shop in the Moy, explains the party’s thinking when it comes to hair colouring and how gingerism is seen as a sign of rebellion and possible republicanism, with a picture of Martin McGuinness used as way of example.

A DUP voter from Moygashel was adamant he will not be lending his vote to the party in next month’s elections:

“I was uncomfortable with the whole gay issue but this takes the biscuit. I’ve been voting DUP for over 20 years and in that time I have courted manys a ginger woman and they’ve all been dead on and some of them were even Unionists. I’m voting Independent this year.”

Coalisland barber Herbie Lyons was not surprised at the revelation:

“This is just another nail in their coffin. Like my friend from Moygashel above, I’ve walked out with plenty of redheads before and they’ve been fine. Some just had a red head and weren’t ginger at all but that’s besides the point. Up the gingers and down with follicle-bashing.”

A DUP spokesperson claims the party remain unapologetic regarding their stance on gingerism and warned Unionists that if people do not vote for their party because of the redhead issue then they may be prepared for a United Ireland by 2020 run by a parliament of Maureen O’Haras and Ed Sheerans.

Ask Agnes – Tyrone’s Only Agony Aunt

new zeldaDear Agnes,

Yesterday I burnt the lamb in the slow cooker for the second day running. I knew Pat would go mad when he came in from the yard as he works hard but he reacted really badly to this one. He called me every name you could think of and then insulted all my family one by one. He’s now sleeping in the spare room and only grunts when passing me by. I just don’t know what to do. We’ve been married 18 years and I don’t want it to end badly, for the kids’ sake. What should I do? I know he wouldn’t lift a finger to me but the silent treatment is just as bad. Please help.

MARY, COOKSTOWN

Agnes says:

Lay the carrots & onion on the bottom of the slow cooker & then place meat on top. Add about 2 jugfuls of stock/gravy & cook on low for about 6 hours.
You can use the leftover lamb to make a Shepherd’s Pie.

Dear Agnes,

The midges are driving me mad already and it’s only April. What can I do?

JOHN PAT, ARDBOE

Agnes says:

Nothing.

Dear Agnes,

My husband’s dog started attacking the milkman last week and I went out to save him. One thing led to another and now I think I’m pregnant. Any advice welcome.

TINA, STRABANE

Agnes says:

Depends on the type of dog. Alsations are discreet animals but if it was a Pomerian it’ll be yapping away to your husband as soon as it puts two and two together. If that’s the case, a long drive with the dog might be something to consider.

Dear Agnes,

My youngest son wants to become a clown. He said he would rather be a Lambeg drummer, but for obvious reasons I will not allow it. I humbly ask you for some advice on where my son should have his training and education to become the best birthday party clown this side of Belfast?

PAUL, DONAGHMORE

Agnes says:

Try the GAA refereeing and umpiring course up in Garvaghey next Saturday. There’ll be a plethora of experienced clowns about that day. And good luck.

Dear Agnes,

Can you settle an argument? Who’s the better singer – Susan McCann or Philomena Begley? COLIN, MOY

Agnes says,

Depends on how much you’ve drank and what you’re drinking. I find Begley a delight after 5 bottle of stout and the same amount of single malt doubles as chasers. McCann is wonderful during and after a large bottle of gin. A word of warning for our younger readers – do not listen to either on an empty stomach.

Some Tyrone Men (and the odd woman) Arrested For Being Not Physically Prepared For Early Spring Sun

Coalisland, Tuesday

Coalisland, Tuesday

Government officials have asked locals to ‘think again’ after many were lulled into a false sense of confidence in their physique after the recent spell of good weather, resulting in several arrests.

Children and the elderly in Omagh, Coalisland, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon and Carrickmore have been told to cover their eyes or stay indoors after 344 complaints were made to the Nolan Show and 132 to the police regarding the shape of men and some women walking around pavements and scenic walkways since Sunday.

Tyrone Social Standards Committee Chairperson Sheila McMullan admitted the warm spell caught a few people unaware and has promised strict sanctions will be enforced from tomorrow onwards until the sun is higher in the sky near July:

  “I understand most people hadn’t planned for a bit of sun in April. But, for the love of God, think twice before the tops come off or the vest tops are employed. You don’t get footballers turning up for a big game in front of thousands not having trained or a stand-up comedian arriving with no jokes. Could these sun-worshippers please think of the elderly? One shock and it’s all over. Also, young children still have nightmares. Please have a bit of wit. Wait until the holidays.”

Community Watchdog groups in all major towns and large hamlets in the county have been given the power to perform a citizen’s arrest on anyone they suspect being out of shape whilst whipping off clothing in broad daylight.

Already there have been three arrests in The Moy, including two brothers who were spotted heading into the Post Office bare-chested and donning ill-fitting 1980s GAA shorts.

Meanwhile, plans to build a beach in Stewartstown have been shot down by locals who complained about the possibility of foreigners arriving and impressing the women.

Tyrone Refused To Recognise Solar Eclipse

No viewers in Drumquin

No viewers in Drumquin

Despite total media saturation in the preceding weeks, reports confirmed that all of Tyrone refused to recognise the celestial phenomenon of the solar eclipse, with 100% of its inhabitants going about their daily business without looking up or even talking about it.

Journalists from BBC, Sky and UTV were said to be disappointed after being despatched to various vantage points in the county only to be chased for ‘meddlin in things that no good will come from’ and with ‘there’s no money in that dung’ ringing in their ears.

Despite worries earlier in the week of possible pagan stirrings, the county proved to be a eclipse-free zone with schools and businesses issuing sanctions against anyone wishing to view the astronomical freak show.

Gareth Kenny, a 9-year old primary school pupil from St Ronan’s in Omagh, was clear as to why his school didn’t participate in the excitement:

“Sure it’s a pile of shite”

Dungannon, whose hill is a prime spot for viewing skyward events, was populated at full eclipse by three women and three dogs, who of whom were mating. When questioned on the lack of recognition of the sun/moon dance, one of the women explained:

“Sure it’s a pile of shite.”

At 9:31 am the clouds parted to show a full view of the 94% eclipse, despite predictions of a clouded non-event. A Sky News 24 reporter in The Moy described how the whole event passed off without recognition:

“This glorious occasion, with lighting considerably dulled and birds retreating in silence as well as a noticeable drop in temperature, went unnoticed in the sleepy hamlet of Moy. I heard one man, who was spitting furiously into a drain, exclaim ‘it’s dark, boys’ before giving a passer-by the 2 fingers.”

Meanwhile, Owen Mulligan confirmed his ‘full moon’ backside baring competition in Mulligan’s Bar on the same day was a raging success.

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