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Intoxicated Tyrone Man Jailed For Burgling His Own House

Keogh, on CCTV

Keogh, on CCTV

In what has been described as a raucous courtroom, Moy mechanic Raymmie Keogh was sentenced to 6 months in Maghaberry after he was caught by police climbing through an open window of his own house with a bag of goods from his own living room.

Keogh, who had been drinking in a local establishment for 6 hours whilst celebrating his wife’s 50th birthday, maintains he was confused and drunk when he decided to burgle his own house after leaving the party earlier than his family.

Although Keogh’s legal team concentrated on the ludicrous nature of the accusation, the Omagh judge remained unconvinced and sentenced the Moy man because of his criminal intentions.

During his cross-examination, Keogh maintained:

“There’s not one man or woman in this building who hasn’t burgled or thought of burgling after a lock of pints,”

which was greeted with gasps and a determined denial with the shaking of heads from the judge and jury. Keogh explained further:

“When the taxi left me off at my place I was in no fit state to know it was my house and couldn’t even remember how I got there, even as the taxi sped off. So I saw that a window was left open, climbed in and lifted everything not nailed down in the living room, threw it into a Lidl bag and made off down the road again.”

Keogh was apprehended after he sobered up and returned home again only to find the police waiting with an identification, given to them by the taxi driver, matching his description. The driver also said he sang ‘A Nation Once Again’ throughout the journey, a signature tune in the mechanic’s repertoire. He admitted it probably was him after he vaguely recalled leaving a bag of goods outside the off-licence in the village.

In summing up, Judge Boyle said:

“I’ve never heard of a man burgling his own house. But the intention was there to do wrong. The fact that it’s his own home is neither here nor there,”

before slamming his hammer.

Mrs Keogh failed to bail out her husband. She has also claimed off her insurance for the missing goods despite the fact that the bag is still sitting outside the off-licence.

Donaghmore Woman Denies Being Seen Shopping In Lidl

say nothing

say nothing

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

A Donaghmore woman has strenuously denied being seen shopping at Lidl in Dungannon on Monday evening. Friends of 36-year old Marie McAleese reported that a woman matching her description was spotted in Dungannon on Monday evening at approximately 7.20pm, wearing dark glasses and pretending to have a limp, walking into the popular discount retailer in Market Yard.

“It’s a pack of lies”, protested McAleese. “I wouldn’t be seen dead in that place. Even if they are selling 40 metres of clingfilm for only £2.99. Jaysus, it’s nearly £4 in Asda. Anyway, I always to go Marks & Spencer for my shopping. And sometimes Tesco, but that’s only for milk and bread. And I’ve been complaining for years that Waitrose should open up a shop in Donaghmore. And Selfridges. So what would the likes of me be wanting in Lidl, buying multi-packs of Hula-Hoops at 89p for 7 packets? That’s no good to me. I don’t even like crisps. Except maybe cheese and onion. They’re okay. And the barbeque beef ones”.

A close friend of McAleese’s confided,

“Marie’s always been up herself. Too snooty for her own good. Who cares if she goes into Lidl? I heard she was in there the previous week wearing a balaclava, carrying a whole clatter of McVitie’s digestive biscuits. Enough to feed an army. That one’s got an eye for a bargain, make no mistake”.

On Monday McAleese allegedly purchased several bags of groceries, including 6 tins of Lidl’s own-brand baked beans, a ‘Fruits of the Forest’ Fresh Cream Luxury Meringue, and a big box of Midget Gems.

“Meringue? Are you having a laugh?” snorted McAleese. “I do all my own home baking. I’d never think about buying a shop-bought meringue. I’d make it at home with, you know, the flour and the milk and the yeast and suchlike. These are just stories making out that I’m some sort of cheapskate”. She went on, “I won’t have my head turned by that place, even if they are selling Carte D’Or Vanilla Ice Cream for £1.50 or £2.50 for two. And anyway, they weren’t digestives. It was Rich Tea I wasn’t buying. 99p a pack. Deadly”.

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