A study carried out yesterday by the Northern Ireland Institute of Studies confirmed that the majority of people in Tyrone continue to stuff themselves senseless in an effort to get through all the left-over Christmas food before it goes past its sell-by date.
“Christmas itself was bad enough, but this is beyond a joke”, complained 54-year old Nuala O’Neill from Brocagh, through a mouthful of Tesco’s ‘Taste The Difference’ Plum Pudding. “I nearly gave myself the boke after eating a dozen roast potatoes out the fridge that had been there since Boxing Day. To be honest they were completely rancid, but they needed eaten. Can’t have these things going to waste you know”.
Mary Gough from The Moy agreed.
“I ate half a Christmas cake last night and then found out it can last for years. That wasn’t great news after having worked my way through the last of the turkey. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey curry, turkey pasta, turkey stew, and turkey surprise. I eventually ran out of ideas and ended up making turkey meringue pie. Quite nice actually”.
“The worst of it is I just can’t get rid of the stuff”, complained Sean McKenna of Aughabrack. “Someone gave me a tin of Marks & Spencer All-Butter Shortbread as a Christmas present, so I gave it to my ma as a gift on Boxing Day. Turns out she gave it to her niece on New Year’s Eve, who gave it to her daughter on New Year’s Day, who then gave it back to me as a present at the weekend. Feckin’ cheapskates”.
Marian Quinn from Cappagh admitted:
“I sent my 7 year old cub to school with fifteen mince pies for his packed lunch. Only two days to go before the sell-by date, so they needed used up. I know he’s allergic to pastry, but sure, he’ll manage fine”.
32-stone half-man, half-spacehopper Sidney Clarke from Ballygawley, said,
“I found a couple of smoothies in the fridge my mum had left and if truth be told I was wanting a more healthy diet for the new year anyway, so I got tore into them. I never realised one was clotted cream and the other pure goose fat. Tara. I got through three Cadbury’s selection boxes getting rid of the taste though, so it wasn’t all bad”.
A Donaghmore woman has strenuously denied being seen shopping at Lidl in Dungannon on Monday evening. Friends of 36-year old Marie McAleese reported that a woman matching her description was spotted in Dungannon on Monday evening at approximately 7.20pm, wearing dark glasses and pretending to have a limp, walking into the popular discount retailer in Market Yard.
“It’s a pack of lies”, protested McAleese. “I wouldn’t be seen dead in that place. Even if they are selling 40 metres of clingfilm for only £2.99. Jaysus, it’s nearly £4 in Asda. Anyway, I always to go Marks & Spencer for my shopping. And sometimes Tesco, but that’s only for milk and bread. And I’ve been complaining for years that Waitrose should open up a shop in Donaghmore. And Selfridges. So what would the likes of me be wanting in Lidl, buying multi-packs of Hula-Hoops at 89p for 7 packets? That’s no good to me. I don’t even like crisps. Except maybe cheese and onion. They’re okay. And the barbeque beef ones”.
A close friend of McAleese’s confided,
“Marie’s always been up herself. Too snooty for her own good. Who cares if she goes into Lidl? I heard she was in there the previous week wearing a balaclava, carrying a whole clatter of McVitie’s digestive biscuits. Enough to feed an army. That one’s got an eye for a bargain, make no mistake”.
On Monday McAleese allegedly purchased several bags of groceries, including 6 tins of Lidl’s own-brand baked beans, a ‘Fruits of the Forest’ Fresh Cream Luxury Meringue, and a big box of Midget Gems.
“Meringue? Are you having a laugh?” snorted McAleese. “I do all my own home baking. I’d never think about buying a shop-bought meringue. I’d make it at home with, you know, the flour and the milk and the yeast and suchlike. These are just stories making out that I’m some sort of cheapskate”. She went on, “I won’t have my head turned by that place, even if they are selling Carte D’Or Vanilla Ice Cream for £1.50 or £2.50 for two. And anyway, they weren’t digestives. It was Rich Tea I wasn’t buying. 99p a pack. Deadly”.