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New Local Bye Law Will Allow Everyone To ‘Kick Someone In The Arse’ Once A Year

A controversial new law proposed by a local Tyrone councillor, will permit everyone in the County to legally kick just one person in the posterior, as hard as they like, once a year.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

“There’s lots of aggression out there and this is a quare way to deal with it”, explained Dungannon & South Tyrone Councillor Enda McMann. “Once a year on one particular day, everyone can have a really good swing at someone who’s spent the previous twelve months being a right pain in the hole. This is a local bye-law so only applies to people born or living in Tyrone. However, I say it’s about time this County started making some people honorary citizens, especially ones from neighbouring counties. Say Joe Brolly, just by way of an example like. I’ve always admired that man”.

He went on,

“We actually used to do this in the olden days but it’s a tradition that’s died out. It was punching rather than kicking though. Why do you think it was called Boxing Day? Jays, a day with the relatives on Christmas Day and it’s not surprising everyone was ready to lamp someone in the bake. That’s why we’ve got to get back to some good old-fashioned family values, except it’s going to kicking, not punching. We’re not savages”.

Instructions to be issued by Council

Instructions to be issued by Council

McMann went to describe his idea further.

“There would have to be some exceptions, obviously. We’d have to put in some age restrictions, maybe excuse people over 80. And we’d have to remove some easy targets like traffic wardens, or anyone who didn’t vote for Andrea on The Voice. And I suppose there would have to be some rules, like a limit on the runny-up, and whether you could wear a big pair of steel toe-caps. But the idea’s sound. We should do more of this stuff. Really”.

Support for the idea appeared to be growing in strength, with an on-line petition on Facebook already advocating that everyone, if the proposal is made law, to save all their boots up the arse for McMann.

Fintona Man Secures Win In ‘Laziest Arse Of The Year’ Awards, With Unchanged Lightbulb

lazy-man

McGinn, this evening

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Local man Packie McGinn of Fintona was the surprise winner last night in the celebrated ‘Laziest Arse of the Year Awards, where he won a prize in one of the hotly-contested categories.

The star-studded event, staged at the Glenavon Hotel in Cookstown, was attended by many local celebrities including Seamie Boyle, the Seskinore man who came close to appearing on Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies in 2009, and C J Hetherington from Clogher, who featured on last week’s Crimewatch.

The coveted ‘Longest Outstanding Household Chore’ category was eventually won by the 62-year old McGinn of Fintona, after having proven that he had a light bulb in the hallway landing he had been meaning to change since August 2012.

The proud winner declared,

“It’s true. I know it’s nearly two years since it conked out, but I’ve been busy. I’ve had a lot on my plate what with the World Cup and all. And it’s one of thon screwy-in light bulbs, not your traditional bayonet cap, so it probably means a trip to Sammy Trotter’s in Dungannon cause there won’t be one in the garage. Well, there might be, but I’ve not got round to checking. And it means I’ll have to bring in the step ladder from outside, or at least one of the dining room chairs from downstairs. Sure, I’ll get round to it one day soon. The wife’s always on at me about it, but you can’t hurry these things”.

McGinn’s wife, a clearly emotional Bernadette, said,

“This is a bittersweet moment for me. On the one hand, Packie’s never won anything in his life never mind been nominated for such a prestigious award and it’s something that we’ll treasure for the rest of our days. But on the other hand, if I stub my feckin’ toe one more time wreckin’ about that hallway in the dark, I swear to God I’ll take the head clane off the bollix”.

Other chores which were nominated in the same category included a door hinge which has been squeaking for over a month, a child’s game of Operation which has needed new batteries since last Boxing Day, and a kitchen table which has had a shoogly leg for nearly a year.

Report Confirms Many People Still Working Their Way Through Christmas Food

Lunch in Edendork

Lunch in Edendork

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

A study carried out yesterday by the Northern Ireland Institute of Studies confirmed that the majority of people in Tyrone continue to stuff themselves senseless in an effort to get through all the left-over Christmas food before it goes past its sell-by date.

“Christmas itself was bad enough, but this is beyond a joke”, complained 54-year old Nuala O’Neill from Brocagh, through a mouthful of Tesco’s ‘Taste The Difference’ Plum Pudding. “I nearly gave myself the boke after eating a dozen roast potatoes out the fridge that had been there since Boxing Day. To be honest they were completely rancid, but they needed eaten. Can’t have these things going to waste you know”.

Mary Gough from The Moy agreed.

“I ate half a Christmas cake last night and then found out it can last for years. That wasn’t great news after having worked my way through the last of the turkey. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey curry, turkey pasta, turkey stew, and turkey surprise. I eventually ran out of ideas and ended up making turkey meringue pie. Quite nice actually”.

“The worst of it is I just can’t get rid of the stuff”, complained Sean McKenna of Aughabrack. “Someone gave me a tin of Marks & Spencer All-Butter Shortbread as a Christmas present, so I gave it to my ma as a gift on Boxing Day. Turns out she gave it to her niece on New Year’s Eve, who gave it to her daughter on New Year’s Day, who then gave it back to me as a present at the weekend. Feckin’ cheapskates”.

Marian Quinn from Cappagh admitted:

“I sent my 7 year old cub to school with fifteen mince pies for his packed lunch. Only two days to go before the sell-by date, so they needed used up. I know he’s allergic to pastry, but sure, he’ll manage fine”.

32-stone half-man, half-spacehopper Sidney Clarke from Ballygawley, said,

“I found a couple of smoothies in the fridge my mum had left and if truth be told I was wanting a more healthy diet for the new year anyway, so I got tore into them. I never realised one was clotted cream and the other pure goose fat. Tara. I got through three Cadbury’s selection boxes getting rid of the taste though, so it wasn’t all bad”.

‘Santa Won’t Come’ Threat No Longer Available. Parents Bracing Themselves For The Worst.

Dregish lad, this morning.

Dregish lad, this morning.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

Parents woke up on Boxing Day to a subtle shift in the balance of power between them and their offspring, with the fact having dawned on children that their parents can no longer control their behaviour with the warning of Santa not coming unless they’re good.

“It’s tara”, bemoaned Claire McCausland from Cloughfin. “I’ve been using Santy since the start of September to get my three cubs to do my bidding. It’s been grand. Plates cleared, clothes tidied away, and all in bed by 8. Now I’m hiding in the utility room fearing my own safety. This morning they all watched ‘Home Alone’ and it must’ve given them ideas. That’s why my husband’s now walking about covered in treacle out the larder and feathers out one of my best cushions. Honestly, it’s like ‘Lord Of The Flies’ out there”.

Angela Morgan, a worried mum of two from Tullyhogue, agreed.

“Our Ralph sneezed three times this morning and didn’t cover his mouth once. How am I supposed to deal with that? He’d never have got away with that a week ago. I tried telling him that the Easter Bunny won’t come but it fell on deaf ears. I’ll be scraping mucus off the sofa for months”.

7-year old Simon McCoy, a full-time child from Dregish, said,

“Easter Bunny? No-one’s going to fall for that oul’ mince. What would I be doing with Easter Eggs when it’s like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory in here. Jaysus, I’ve more chocolate than I can shake a stick at”,

he said, as he tried to climb up the living room curtains holding two fistfuls of Celebrations.

Ebenezer O’Neill, a child psychologist from Aughabrack, said,

“It’s gradually dawned on children that now that Santa’s passed out all the toys, they’ve got the upper hand. Plus they’ve got time off from school and the constant sugar rush of eating two selection boxes an hour. If you combine that lot with the ideas they get from playing ‘Grand Theft Auto’, it’s the perfect storm. No wonder the part-time PSNI have been called in”.

The PSNI confirmed that several children had already been apprehended for offences such as splashing in puddles whilst wearing only slippers, not wearing scarves when it was close to freezing, answering back, not finishing their breakfast, drawing all over the back of Grandad’s head with Magic Marker when he was asleep, and vomiting into mummy’s make-up bag.

Dungannon Council Propose A Rescheduling Of Christmas

Christmas-cancelledIn what has been described as a ‘brave and completely nonsensical’ proposal, Dungannon Council have tabled a bid to the central County Authority to postpone Christmas this year until next February or so. The bold idea was drawn up this morning in an alleyway in Scotch Street with all six members of the powerful council agreeing to put back the holiday in a straight swap for Valentine’s Day, blaming the mild weather for the change.

Seamus McAliskey, a 30 year old steam train driver from the lowlands, reckons there’s a dark secret they’re not telling us:

“Listen, I was in Germany last week driving a train and all these Germans were asking me if it was true that Dungannon spent all its money on dud sparklers and bangers from Nutt’s Corner. Apparently that’s all the talk on the continent. I reckon the buggers have no money for lights and stuff til the new budget comes through in January.”

Dungannon Lord Mayor Hilary McGettican refutes the allegations:

“Whilst I acknowledge the mistake we made with the Algerian sparklers, we still have money left. We are proposing having Christmas on the 25th of February for many reasons. I am now going to talk in bullet points…”

  • There’s no money in the country at this time for builders, gardeners and farmers
  • There’s usually far more snow in February
  • We can raid shops in other counties for half price stock-clearance Christmas stuff in the week after Christmas
  • It’s far too close to Boxing Day and the New Year
  • We won’t have to listen to Slade or Mariah Carey on the radio”

Under the new conditions, if passed, Valentine’s Day will be sandwiched between Christmas Eve and St Stephen’s Day.

The central council will debate the proposal on Tuesday straight after they deal with the 10th Tattyreagh bid for city status.

In other news, Coalisland’s Olly Kerr has reminded people his threat from last year still stands – Click here . He has added to his hit list anyone who posts “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” on their facebook status.

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