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Roof Rabbit ‘Bumper’ To Launch Autobiography And Reality TV Show
Bumper on another escapade
Bumper the rabbit, who was discovered on Friday atop the roof of his owner’s home in Omagh after fierce winds from Storm Gertrude knocked over his hutch and catapulted him into the air, has revealed he’s to launch ‘Not A Happy Bunny’, the story of his rooftop ordeal.
The book, to be ghost-written by local journalist Ronald McSherry, will be launched at the same time as a Channel 4 reality TV show centred on the famous bunny and his daily life, entitled ‘It Could Be Stew’, which will be aired over nine episodes in the UK and Ireland.
Local vet Lisa Fortune maintains the book has come too soon:
“It’s a sign of the times. People cash in on their fleeting fame too often now and in this case, too soon. Bumper is in post-traumatic stress mode at the minute and isn’t capable of making rational decisions. The cynic in me thinks this McSherry writer put the rabbit up there himself so he can make a couple of pounds out of it but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt to Bumper as he is definitely stressed out a bit.”
The Channel 4 documentary/reality show will follow Bumper about on his daily business: sleeping, eating carrots, excreting in the corner of his hutch, and avoiding the cull for a nice stew in a local hostelry. Programme-maker Sir Harry Tubett is sure the show is going to be a hit:
“Bumper is a natural wit. You’d be talking away to him and he just stares at you, scrunching up his nose and showing his massive teeth. He’s a hilarious bunny. We’ve also great shots of people eating rabbit stew in Sally’s in the town and then we cut back to Bumper scrunching up his nose and showing his teeth, but with really sad music.”
Bumper’s agent confirmed the book will be in the shelves by March, in time for Easter. Bumper was unavailable for comment because he was sleeping.
Jon Snow Didn’t Think Tyrone Was Deadly Either
Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe
A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.
Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.
On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:
“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”
Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.
Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.
“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”
Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.
Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.
Fintona Man Secures Win In ‘Laziest Arse Of The Year’ Awards, With Unchanged Lightbulb
McGinn, this evening
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Local man Packie McGinn of Fintona was the surprise winner last night in the celebrated ‘Laziest Arse of the Year Awards, where he won a prize in one of the hotly-contested categories.
The star-studded event, staged at the Glenavon Hotel in Cookstown, was attended by many local celebrities including Seamie Boyle, the Seskinore man who came close to appearing on Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies in 2009, and C J Hetherington from Clogher, who featured on last week’s Crimewatch.
The coveted ‘Longest Outstanding Household Chore’ category was eventually won by the 62-year old McGinn of Fintona, after having proven that he had a light bulb in the hallway landing he had been meaning to change since August 2012.
The proud winner declared,
“It’s true. I know it’s nearly two years since it conked out, but I’ve been busy. I’ve had a lot on my plate what with the World Cup and all. And it’s one of thon screwy-in light bulbs, not your traditional bayonet cap, so it probably means a trip to Sammy Trotter’s in Dungannon cause there won’t be one in the garage. Well, there might be, but I’ve not got round to checking. And it means I’ll have to bring in the step ladder from outside, or at least one of the dining room chairs from downstairs. Sure, I’ll get round to it one day soon. The wife’s always on at me about it, but you can’t hurry these things”.
McGinn’s wife, a clearly emotional Bernadette, said,
“This is a bittersweet moment for me. On the one hand, Packie’s never won anything in his life never mind been nominated for such a prestigious award and it’s something that we’ll treasure for the rest of our days. But on the other hand, if I stub my feckin’ toe one more time wreckin’ about that hallway in the dark, I swear to God I’ll take the head clane off the bollix”.
Other chores which were nominated in the same category included a door hinge which has been squeaking for over a month, a child’s game of Operation which has needed new batteries since last Boxing Day, and a kitchen table which has had a shoogly leg for nearly a year.
Lions, Not Boars, Once Roamed Edendork
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
New Edendork St Malachy’s crest?
Channel 4’s Time Team have descended just outside Dungannon to reveal ancient animal remains which confirm that Edendork was in fact once a land roamed by a pride of lions.
Tony Robinson and the other trampy looking fella have been involved in digs on a hill behind Edendork chapel since Easter Sunday, unearthing remarkably well preserved and fully intact skeletal remains of the massive wild cats, once king of the land.
The hamlet of Edendork, which translates from Irish as “The Hill of the Boar”, is in fact as it turns out a slightly inaccurate historical representation as the newly discovered bones reveal. It was in fact carnivorous felines, rather than swine, which once held pride of place in the locality.
Local curate Father Simba Ntacubme has been delighted with the find – as long as the dig doesn’t continue south into the confines of the graveyard.
“Its totally amazing!” he exclaimed “This is exactly what this parish needs. It’s a totally new way of bringing in revenue, as the church plate has been very barren of late… I have no need for any more buttons- put it that way.”
Father Ntacubme has already printed 1000 “Totally Edendork” t-shirts and 500 “Totally Edendork” mugs which he hopes to sell to the droves of tourists expected from as far away afield as Killeeshil. The dig site is predicted to rival Powerscreen and the former Tyrone Crystal factory as the new popular attraction in the area.
Edendork Primary School’s headmaster David Attenbrie’s plan to host a ‘hands-on’ session with a live lion in the playground next week have been described as “utter recklessness” by the SELB.
The local GAA club committee are to hold an emergency meeting in the coming days to see if the club crest will be changed considering the revelation, and are reportedly seeking a six figure sponsorship sum for their senior and reserve jerseys from any Nestle chocolate bar.
Rumours that Time Team were initially actually brought in to dig for lost ‘Snowball’ prize fund monies from the Edendork Hall’s successful bingo days were rubbished by Father Ntacubme.
Dregish Psychic To Give Up Clairvoyanting After Complaints From Spirit World
Nuala
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local clairvoyant has given in to pressure to stop pestering the souls of the departed after numerous complaints were made via another medium.
58-year old Nuala Brannigan from Dregish has been communicating with the spirit world for 35 years, but agreed yesterday to give it up after an unprecedented number of complaints.
Niall O’Neill, an 800-year old ghost originally of Cloughfin, said,
“She’s a pain in the arse. She’s always on the ouija board asking what the football results are going to be, or the Lotto numbers. As if we know. Just last week she was wanting to know where she had put her Heat magazine, and then blaming us lot for having shifted it. Gadzooks. Can she not just leave us alone? We’re fed up with being pestered. I’ve a whole lock of haunting and ghostly rattling to be getting on with and can hardly do it with that woman bending my ear all the time. And anyway, what’s a Heat magazine? And a football?”
550-year old hangman Ezra Maguire agreed.
“In the olden days people used to enquire about loved ones they had lost or maybe the whereabouts of a sentimental family heirloom. This woman’s constantly demanding ‘horse race winners’ this, or ‘Winning Streak’ that. Anyway, what century is it?”
Conor Kendall, who died in a baking accident in 1963, told us:
“I came into limbo expecting to get a bit of peace and quiet, and it’s nothing of the sort. I’ve got a ‘ghostly haunting’ exam this Friday and I haven’t even bought any chains yet”.
The challenges of being from another world were also pointed out by Kevin the Terrible, a former Viking from Urney who died in 2009.
“It’s not easy being spooky”, he agreed. “Last night I was out working walking the ramparts near the Rock for about eight hours. Jaysus, I was foundered. Well, I would have been if it wasn’t for the fact I’m already dead. It took my ectoplasm an age to thaw out. And to cap it all I had that woman Brannigan inside my bap asking where her car keys were”.
In her defence, Brannigan replied,
“Ah, come on. All I’m after is a wee bit of information most of the time. Where’s the harm in that? It’s the only option I’ve got, because the internet signal in Dregish is rubbish so I can’t get Google. And I’m hardly going to go all the way to Dungannon library to find out how to change the sump on my washing machine if I can get it from the undead”.
The ghost world confirmed that the last straw came on Monday after Brannigan spent over an hour harassing spirits about a number of different topics, including whether Tyrone’s new A5 road extension will ever get built, what setting to use for making a Baked Alaska, and the answer to Channel 4’s Countdown conundrum.
Pomeroy Frantically ‘Doing Itself Up’ As It Prepares For Triumphant Andrea’s Return
Pomeroy Clean-Up Begins
By Shengas McGlumphie
The village of Pomeroy spent much of Sunday in a state of panic as it prepares itself for the much-awaited return of local singing sensation Andrea Begley, who won BBC’s ‘The Voice’ on Saturday night. After an emergency meeting of the Pomeroy Village Council (PVC), a clearly-flustered Chairman Danny Devlin said,
“Jaysus, we’re sweating like Hugo on Mastermind. We’re expecting Andrea back soon and we’ve nothing ready. Not even sandwiches. What if she turns up this afternoon with all the cameras and there are no sandwiches?”
It emerged that the PVC spent much of Sunday trying to get hold of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen on the phone to ask if he could give the village ‘a quick makeover’. As Devlin explained,
“If that big floppy-haired bollix or thon Smillie woman can come along to give the place a wee tidy-up that would help. We’d expect a big crowd of people for Andrea and we could ask the BBC if they could CGI out all the odd-looking ones. We don’t want people thinking Halloween’s come early. Fortunately we’ve some of the bunting left over from the time Dermott O’Gara from Altmore won £50 on a scratch card in Costcutter’s in 2008, so that might improve the look of the place”.
Several local residents have queried the whereabouts of a much-touted open-topped bus which the PVC spent £10,000 on only a few weeks ago.
“It’s a touch embarrassing”, said a sheepish Devlin. “We bought this fancy open-topped bus from Carrickmore. They got it as a welcome home for that boy who made it into the grand final of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ on Channel 4. We wanted it for Obama’s visit because we reckoned he’d take a wee jaunt down to Pomeroy after the G8. As it turns out he didn’t, so a few of the committee members sort of took it out on the bus in a wee fit of annoyance. Understandable like. Turns out we now need it for Andrea. But we’ve got to fix all the dents and the graffiti. And the fire damage. And we can’t do that until we’ve pulled it back out of Dungannon Lake. We’ve really made a hames of it”.
The PVC meantime intend to fax Philomena Begley to ask if she can ‘keep Andrea talking for a bit’ if she arrives too early.
Tyrone Tribulations 