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Dregish Psychic To Give Up Clairvoyanting After Complaints From Spirit World
Nuala
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local clairvoyant has given in to pressure to stop pestering the souls of the departed after numerous complaints were made via another medium.
58-year old Nuala Brannigan from Dregish has been communicating with the spirit world for 35 years, but agreed yesterday to give it up after an unprecedented number of complaints.
Niall O’Neill, an 800-year old ghost originally of Cloughfin, said,
“She’s a pain in the arse. She’s always on the ouija board asking what the football results are going to be, or the Lotto numbers. As if we know. Just last week she was wanting to know where she had put her Heat magazine, and then blaming us lot for having shifted it. Gadzooks. Can she not just leave us alone? We’re fed up with being pestered. I’ve a whole lock of haunting and ghostly rattling to be getting on with and can hardly do it with that woman bending my ear all the time. And anyway, what’s a Heat magazine? And a football?”
550-year old hangman Ezra Maguire agreed.
“In the olden days people used to enquire about loved ones they had lost or maybe the whereabouts of a sentimental family heirloom. This woman’s constantly demanding ‘horse race winners’ this, or ‘Winning Streak’ that. Anyway, what century is it?”
Conor Kendall, who died in a baking accident in 1963, told us:
“I came into limbo expecting to get a bit of peace and quiet, and it’s nothing of the sort. I’ve got a ‘ghostly haunting’ exam this Friday and I haven’t even bought any chains yet”.
The challenges of being from another world were also pointed out by Kevin the Terrible, a former Viking from Urney who died in 2009.
“It’s not easy being spooky”, he agreed. “Last night I was out working walking the ramparts near the Rock for about eight hours. Jaysus, I was foundered. Well, I would have been if it wasn’t for the fact I’m already dead. It took my ectoplasm an age to thaw out. And to cap it all I had that woman Brannigan inside my bap asking where her car keys were”.
In her defence, Brannigan replied,
“Ah, come on. All I’m after is a wee bit of information most of the time. Where’s the harm in that? It’s the only option I’ve got, because the internet signal in Dregish is rubbish so I can’t get Google. And I’m hardly going to go all the way to Dungannon library to find out how to change the sump on my washing machine if I can get it from the undead”.
The ghost world confirmed that the last straw came on Monday after Brannigan spent over an hour harassing spirits about a number of different topics, including whether Tyrone’s new A5 road extension will ever get built, what setting to use for making a Baked Alaska, and the answer to Channel 4’s Countdown conundrum.
Local 500-Year Old Castle To Be Replaced With 2-Year Old Bouncy Castle
Proposed castle
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local man has confirmed that he is well on his way to securing significant funding for the redevelopment of the little-known Cappagh Castle on Lurgylea Road.
The news follows an article in last week’s Tyrone Times that one of Tyrone’s most important ancient sites, Tullyhogue Fort outside Cookstown, is to receive a major investment of almost £500K over the next two years.
“If them Tullyhogue boys can get a lock of pounds, then so can Cappagh”, said self-appointed spokesperson 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional grass grower from Altmore. “And we’re only asking for £100,000. You can buy a whole clatter of stuff with £100,000. There’s money to be made here. For the County, of course”,
he added hurriedly, whilst winking and rubbing his hands.
Kerrigan detailed his plans, saying,
“Cappagh Castle is fine, but it could be better. And in particular, much much bouncier. So we’re going to get planning permission to do away with all the old stones and all that ancient muck and build a huge bouncy castle. Jays, they’ll come from miles around boys”.
Asked whether a bouncy castle wouldn’t detract from what is currently a site of immense historical and cultural significant dating back to the 16th Century, Kerrigan replied,
“That’s the beauty of a bouncy castle. It’s a castle, isn’t it? We’re just replacing like for like really. And it will all be in keeping with all that ancient stuff, because I’m sure some of them medieval boys had helter skelters in the olden days too. And dodgem cars. Oh, and a Laserquest. It’s going to be quare”.
Many residents have not responded well to the news. Jack Toner, a 52 year old snake charmer from Sessiadonaghy Road, said,
“The press release said that the Castle’s a large mound next to Cappagh village, which has a depressed centre and is surrounded by trees. Depressed? How dare they, cheeky feckers. We’ve got our own recycling centre you know. And a new ‘Give Way’ road sign”, he added proudly.”
Cappagh Castle was reportedly built by Vikings who invaded Tyrone hundreds of years ago but thought the women were deadly and settled into the local lifestyle.
Tyrone Tribulations 