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Dregish Psychic To Give Up Clairvoyanting After Complaints From Spirit World
Nuala
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local clairvoyant has given in to pressure to stop pestering the souls of the departed after numerous complaints were made via another medium.
58-year old Nuala Brannigan from Dregish has been communicating with the spirit world for 35 years, but agreed yesterday to give it up after an unprecedented number of complaints.
Niall O’Neill, an 800-year old ghost originally of Cloughfin, said,
“She’s a pain in the arse. She’s always on the ouija board asking what the football results are going to be, or the Lotto numbers. As if we know. Just last week she was wanting to know where she had put her Heat magazine, and then blaming us lot for having shifted it. Gadzooks. Can she not just leave us alone? We’re fed up with being pestered. I’ve a whole lock of haunting and ghostly rattling to be getting on with and can hardly do it with that woman bending my ear all the time. And anyway, what’s a Heat magazine? And a football?”
550-year old hangman Ezra Maguire agreed.
“In the olden days people used to enquire about loved ones they had lost or maybe the whereabouts of a sentimental family heirloom. This woman’s constantly demanding ‘horse race winners’ this, or ‘Winning Streak’ that. Anyway, what century is it?”
Conor Kendall, who died in a baking accident in 1963, told us:
“I came into limbo expecting to get a bit of peace and quiet, and it’s nothing of the sort. I’ve got a ‘ghostly haunting’ exam this Friday and I haven’t even bought any chains yet”.
The challenges of being from another world were also pointed out by Kevin the Terrible, a former Viking from Urney who died in 2009.
“It’s not easy being spooky”, he agreed. “Last night I was out working walking the ramparts near the Rock for about eight hours. Jaysus, I was foundered. Well, I would have been if it wasn’t for the fact I’m already dead. It took my ectoplasm an age to thaw out. And to cap it all I had that woman Brannigan inside my bap asking where her car keys were”.
In her defence, Brannigan replied,
“Ah, come on. All I’m after is a wee bit of information most of the time. Where’s the harm in that? It’s the only option I’ve got, because the internet signal in Dregish is rubbish so I can’t get Google. And I’m hardly going to go all the way to Dungannon library to find out how to change the sump on my washing machine if I can get it from the undead”.
The ghost world confirmed that the last straw came on Monday after Brannigan spent over an hour harassing spirits about a number of different topics, including whether Tyrone’s new A5 road extension will ever get built, what setting to use for making a Baked Alaska, and the answer to Channel 4’s Countdown conundrum.
Following Hot Month, August To Be Cancelled And Replaced With July Again
July, delighted
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Following the success of July as one of the hottest months on record, East Tyrone District Council announced this morning that it has voted to cancel August and replace it with July again.
“With immediate effect, it’s now the 11th of July”, confirmed Dungannon Councillor Liam O’Donoghue. “August simply hasn’t lived up to high expectations set by a wonderful July, and to be honest August’s performance in previous years has been cat. It’s become too complacent. Move over August, there’s a new month in town. July. Again”.
In the tense final vote which was decided by three High Council members, August was given the opportunity to explain why it should be kept in the calendar year, but lost out to July, who impressed the judges with its warmth, consistency, sunny disposition, and staging of Wimbledon. During July, the temperature frequently soared into the mid-20s, winning the vote throughout the county of farmers, families and the homeless. It was also voted ‘Most Popular Month’ by the Tyrone public in a ‘Heat’ Magazine poll.
The news was welcomed by Aughnacloy woman Collette Lowry, a 54 year old zebra handler.
“July’s performance was hot, I have to say. I loved it. It gave a blistering performance right the way through the entire month, and it would definitely get my vote. It came across with real warmth. It’s a winner through and through. August can go and feck”.
For 2013, August will be replaced with July, and then September will follow. August will be given another chance to, in the words of O’Donoghue, ‘redeem itself’, when it will be given a wild-card entry to compete against October in a head-to-head calendar vote-off, this time with a public vote being introduced. If October wins, then August will depart from the 2013 calendar year. The vote will take place in August, or possibly October.
O’Donoghue advised that if the repeated month is a success, the Council hopes to introduce Philomena Begley as one of the judges for 2014, and failing that, David Hasselhoff.
Tyrone Tribulations 