Category Archives: Tullyallen
Wave Of Anger Over Brolly Comments To Be Turned Into Renewable Energy
Portable Generator
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone GAA fans could be hooked up to wind turbines in an effort to harness the tidal wave of energy in the county created over the comments made by Joe Brolly, the former player and RTE commentator.
Drumnakilly professor of science and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill, said,
“After having observed the gnashing of the teeth, tearing of clothes, frantic text messaging and general wreckin’ about of the typical Tyrone fan brought on by the mere thought of yer man Brolly, I thought to myself, these boys could do wonders if we plugged them into the national grid”.
The negative comments made by Brolly following Tyrone’s quarter-final win against Monaghan brought forth a backlash of anger and resentment amongst Tyrone residents not seen since 1975, when Philomena reached only number 5 in the Irish Charts with Blanket on The Ground.
O’Neill found a way of tapping into the enormous outpouring of fury and anger following Brolly’s comments made about the playing style of Sean Cavanagh during the quarter-final Monaghan v Tyrone match two weeks ago.
“It’s quite straightforward”, said Drumnakilly scientist and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill. “We gaffa-taped a volunteer Tyrone fan from Kildress to a portable generator, showed him a picture of Joe Brolly, and Jaysus, you should have watched the feckin’ thing go. It was generating so much power I thought at one point we were going to go back in time. It nearly melted. There’s nothing more dangerous than an avenged Tyrone fan”.
The Tyrone fan used for the experiment, life-long Tyrone supporter Mark Carlin, a 27 year old hand washer from Tullyallen, said,
“I wasn’t sure at first, especially when they told me where they wanted to stick the adapter to connect me to the generator. But once it was all set up and I saw a picture of that miserable oul’ bollix, I could just feel myself getting the rage, and hey presto, within minutes I had produced enough electricity to watch a whole episode of The Weakest Link. Class”.
Since hooking himself up to the portable generator in his home, Carlin reported that he has managed to make himself toast, boil some spuds, and record Wife Swap, all powered from his own physical convulsions brought on at the mention of Brolly.
O’Neill predicts that one Tyrone fan watching the You Tube clip of Brolly on a continuous loop could power Newmills for a month, whilst a personal appearance by Brolly in the County could keep Pomeroy in electric light for up to a year.
A picture of Jarlath Burns was also tried out but that only made the housewives swoon.
Tullyallen Triangle Marching Band To Debut This Sunday
Band practice
The small village of Tullyallen is to make history this Sunday at a junior football game when their 12-man triangle band make their first appearance in public. The band, made up of mostly pensioners from Killeeshil, Cabragh and Dungannon, promise to play classics like ‘Finnegan’s Wake‘, ‘Lily the Pink‘ and ‘Big Strong Man‘ on their triangles. It is the first band made up of triangles in Ireland, probably Europe and possibly the world.
Band leader, Sadie McGuigan (76) told us:
“We were all saying it was a great pity that the pipe band had gone under, over 50 years ago. So we agreed to resurrect it but realised no one had a note in their head. Someone remembered playing the triangle in the 1950s at a primary school play and so we bought 12 triangles. Lo and behold, we all sounded the same and it has just taken off from there. We’re very excited to be putting Tullyallen back on the map.”
Killeeshil have asked the band to play for 20 mins before the game with Drumragh as well as marching around the field in a parade. McGuigan is fully aware of the task ahead:
“We just know the three songs on the triangle so I’ve worked it out we might need to play each about 30 times. For the parade we’ll just make something up, maybe ‘Whiskey in the Jar‘. “
McGuigan reacted angrily when asked if anyone will be able to make out the songs as every note sounds the same:
“Away and jump. Triangle playing is one of the hardest instruments to master. That’s why no one has attempted a band before. Anyway, people can just pretend to hear whatever song they like when we play. That’s the beauty of the triangle. In our heads it might be ‘Paddy McGinty’s Goat‘ – in your head it might be ‘Faith of our Fathers‘. Everyone’s a winner.”
The pre-match festivities kick off at 2:30pm.
Tyrone Tribulations 