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Drumquin Man Caught Legally Driving Last Night. Parents Distraught.
Tyres in deadly condition
A Drumquin man’s family is blaming modern society after their son was caught with insurance, tax and MOT certificates, good tyres as well as a full tank of clean diesel.
Jeremy Maguire, a 26 year old joiner with no convictions since 2008, was stopped by police whilst travelling at 34 mph on the Dregish Road at 9pm on Sunday night for a random spot-check.
Onlookers described confusing scenes as police officers were seen nodding their heads in approval while rifling through documents and joking with the driver, at one stage giving a high five to the ex-Drumquin full back soon after the diesel was dipped.
Maguire’s father Pat, who did time for driving a pick-up with no tyres in 1988, admitted he felt ashamed walking around the local Spar this morning:
“People just kept staring or shaking their heads. I bought The Irish News, a pint of semi-skimmed and three apples and was charged £8.33. Everyone just stood there ready to light on me if I questioned the tally so I just paid it in silence and dandered out a broken man. Our Jeremy has always been a bit strange – filling up the windscreen washer regularly with the correct stuff and all.”
Mrs Maguire, who refused to be officially interviewed, blamed modern society on her son’s tendency to stick to the rules and has warned other parents to be careful of the dangers of YouTube and social media.
PSNI confirmed this evening that a car was stopped last night in the Dregish area and given the all-clear following a stringent spot-check including an emissions test.
Jeremy Clarkson In Trouble Again, This Time Over Use Of ‘Brolly’ Word
Brolly-fan?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The controversial television presenter Jeremy Clarkson was once again mired in controversy yesterday about a Tyrone-based filming of BBC2’s Top Gear, when he is said to have inadvertently muttered the word ‘Brolly’ by accident.
The episode, parts of which were released on YouTube, was filmed in a disused quarry near Orritor, which Clarkson is said to have wanted to use to, ‘drive tractors into each other and maybe blow up some caravans’.
But thousands of residents were last night demanding the presenter’s resignation after an incident which has once again embroiled the presenter in further controversy. The use of the B-word occurred when Clarkson was trying to choose between two vehicles, one a New Holland T7030 Delta and the other a John Deere 6330 Platinum, during which he is alleged to have said, “I really can’t choose between the two, they’re both brilliant”, but, on several careful listening of the recording may or may not have come out as, “I really can’t choose between the two, they’re both Brolly-ant”.
Many Tyrone residents were outraged.
“The hoor”, said Liam Donnelly, a pot hole maker from Urney. “Thon Clarkson needs to go. This is beyond a joke. If I actually bothered paying my licence fee I’d definitely stop. It’s only this past month I’ve been able to switch the telly on again after the RTE incident with that commentator last year. See? I can’t even bring myself to say Joe Brolly’s name. Oh”.
62-year old Conal Mulgrew, a trapeze artist from Seskinore, said,
“Top Gear’s had its day, although to be fair the last time I watched it they were reviewing the new Hillman Hunter, so it’s been a while. I don’t really bother. They don’t do nearly enough stuff about link boxes. Bet that would get the viewing figures up. Still, he can’t go about saying words like that. There might have been wee’ans watching. Or Sean Cavanagh’s oul wans”.
In a separate incident, complaints have also been made to the BBC about The Stig, who said that diffing was for ligs.
Anger From Farming Community At ‘Ewe Tube’ On-Line Channel
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Farmers across the country made over a hundred complaints following the start of a new on-line channel specifically aimed at the farming market, called Ewe Tube.
Brainchild of IT programmer Danny McCann from Sion Mills, the subscription-based internet service went live at the weekend, promising ‘news and views, farms and fields, walking and wellies’ to subscribers. However, many viewers were left feeling disappointed and patronised by the service.
“I was expecting to get a Tyrone version of Countryfile”, fumed farmer Dessie Dillon from near Creggan. “Instead he just had sheep photos and videos off the internet, which included a sheep rolling over a cattle grid, a sheep wearing a Tyrone jersey, and a sheep sneezing. How can he call that ‘news and views’, the hoor? I want my £1.49 back. It’s a disgrace. Although the sheep sneezing was pure class”, he admitted.
Sean McKillop, a farmer from Altmore, also voiced his dissatisfaction.
“I spent a week installing one of thon new fangled dial-up connections for the computer yolk so I could watch it”, he complained. “But the stuff they had on was cat. And by that I mean sheep. Danny McCann? Danny Mc-Bloody-Can’t as far as I’m concerned. All it had on was endless picters of sheep. What’s the point of that? I wouldn’t have minded so much if there had been a few good-looking ones. Is he going to do one with cows, maybe Fresians?” he asked hopefully.
McCann had to defend other criticisms, including plagiarising the channel’s name from a weak joke that had been doing the rounds for years, and of publishing pictures of new born lambs frolicking in a field alongside a recipe for lamb bhuna curry.
“Look, this is what viewers want”, he insisted. “This is a first in Tyrone and the world. It’s unique. I’ve had lots of positive feedback on it so far, so they can shove their criticism. In fact, maybe that should be, ‘ewe-nique’”, he said, before braying with laughter at his own joke.
This weekend will see the launch of a new pay-per-view service, ‘Ram-Cam’.
Traffic Warden Warned To Stop Punching The Air In Victory
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A traffic warden has been disciplined by Dungannon & South Tyrone Local Authority after complaints were made about inappropriate behaviour.
32-year old Fergus Devine from Clogher was given a formal warning after he was seen on YouTube giving out five parking tickets in quick succession and then insisting on passers-by doing a Mexican wave round Dungannon Square to celebrate. Complaints were also made to the Council after Devine incurred the wrath of several motorists for dispensing tickets and then singing ‘Simply The Best’ at the top of his voice whilst trying to high-five everyone, including the motorists to whom he had just given the tickets.
Devine defended his actions, saying,
“What’s wrong with taking a bit of pride in my work, eh? Those cars were parked illegally. Well, most of them were anyway, so they get a ticket. End of. No harm in a wee private moment of personal satisfaction. Maybe the fire crackers were a bit much, but still”.
Sources have revealed that Devine was cautioned last November for making loud cash register ‘kah-shing!’ noises every time he dispensed a ticket, and was warned again a month later for giving a parking ticket to Dungannon’s Christmas tree.
Irate motorist Dymphna Curran from Granville said,
“I was parked outside the library for two minutes last Wednesday and when I came back to the car that bollox was moonwalking next to it. I asked him what the craic was, and he just started doing a robot dance. Forty buckin’ quid it’s cost me. Eejit”.
The investigation also revealed that Devine has dispensed over 4,000 tickets in three years including several for seemingly trivial traffic violations, including ‘Driving with a face like a pishmire’, ‘Rubbish reverse parking’, ‘Listening to James Blunt’, and ‘Owning a crap car”. He also gave out more than twenty tickets for cars which had only stopped because the traffic lights were at red.
Standing in Thomas Street in Dungannon, a belligerent Devine said,
“Listen, if people don’t pa…”,
before breaking off mid-sentence to sprint after a Toyota Corolla which looked as if it was slowing down.
Brackaville Man Sues Opticians After Walking Through Glass Window
An angry Gillis
A 44 year old Brackaville boiler servicer has commenced legal proceedings against a Dungannon opticians after he walked straight into a glass window in the shop where he had just purchased his glasses. Harry Gillis, who has been wearing glasses since he was 7, claims he wasn’t told he had to wait for the lenses to be made, walking off with just the frame on his nose.
“At no time did they say I needed to wait for the lenses bit. I needed new glasses so they told me to pick what I liked from the shelf. After paying for them, the woman walked into the lab so I thought it was deal done and got up with my new specs on. The next thing I know I’m walking straight through a glass partition onto the street, completely shattering the whole window-wall. Everyone laughing made it worse.”
Boiler expert Gillis, who knew he needed new glasses las week after he serviced a neighbour’s dog kennel by mistake, reckons it was a townie v culchie practical joke.
“Them Dungannon townies are always making fun of us country ones calling us munchies and stuff. I think I was set up for their amusement as well as to bump up some business. I’m told the YouTube footage from their CCTV has 1.2 million views already. People forget I could have been hurt. Luckily I walk by kicking out my boots in front of me so they took the bulk of the damage. “
Legal expert Fergus Brogan from Stewartstown gives Gillis a chance of success:
“I have a good record. Last year I successfully sued Hollywood for $300 after a Coagh man claimed he was still having nightmares after watching Jaws 2.”
Wave Of Anger Over Brolly Comments To Be Turned Into Renewable Energy
Portable Generator
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone GAA fans could be hooked up to wind turbines in an effort to harness the tidal wave of energy in the county created over the comments made by Joe Brolly, the former player and RTE commentator.
Drumnakilly professor of science and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill, said,
“After having observed the gnashing of the teeth, tearing of clothes, frantic text messaging and general wreckin’ about of the typical Tyrone fan brought on by the mere thought of yer man Brolly, I thought to myself, these boys could do wonders if we plugged them into the national grid”.
The negative comments made by Brolly following Tyrone’s quarter-final win against Monaghan brought forth a backlash of anger and resentment amongst Tyrone residents not seen since 1975, when Philomena reached only number 5 in the Irish Charts with Blanket on The Ground.
O’Neill found a way of tapping into the enormous outpouring of fury and anger following Brolly’s comments made about the playing style of Sean Cavanagh during the quarter-final Monaghan v Tyrone match two weeks ago.
“It’s quite straightforward”, said Drumnakilly scientist and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill. “We gaffa-taped a volunteer Tyrone fan from Kildress to a portable generator, showed him a picture of Joe Brolly, and Jaysus, you should have watched the feckin’ thing go. It was generating so much power I thought at one point we were going to go back in time. It nearly melted. There’s nothing more dangerous than an avenged Tyrone fan”.
The Tyrone fan used for the experiment, life-long Tyrone supporter Mark Carlin, a 27 year old hand washer from Tullyallen, said,
“I wasn’t sure at first, especially when they told me where they wanted to stick the adapter to connect me to the generator. But once it was all set up and I saw a picture of that miserable oul’ bollix, I could just feel myself getting the rage, and hey presto, within minutes I had produced enough electricity to watch a whole episode of The Weakest Link. Class”.
Since hooking himself up to the portable generator in his home, Carlin reported that he has managed to make himself toast, boil some spuds, and record Wife Swap, all powered from his own physical convulsions brought on at the mention of Brolly.
O’Neill predicts that one Tyrone fan watching the You Tube clip of Brolly on a continuous loop could power Newmills for a month, whilst a personal appearance by Brolly in the County could keep Pomeroy in electric light for up to a year.
A picture of Jarlath Burns was also tried out but that only made the housewives swoon.
Tyrone Tribulations 