East Tyrone Woman Beats Shit Out Of Christmas Tree Over Lights Issue
A middle-aged loughshore woman, who has been described as a previously calm and measured member of the community, had to be sedated on Sunday night after her 3000-bulb Christmas tree lights refused to turn on despite working before being put on the tree.
The lady in question was dragged from the tree at midnight by her husband and children, only after she had subjected the tree to a ‘wild beating’ as well as a sustained verbal volley of abuse over the course of two hours.
Despite turning the tree on and off over 50 times, replacing the fuse, trying different plugs and extension leads, praying, three cups of tea and a bottle of gin, and face-timing a local electrician at 11pm, the lights were violently pulled off the tree and kicked into the shed just after midnight. She then viciously attacked the tree and threatened to ‘put it up where the sun don’t shine’ on anyone who tried to stop her.
The family doctor managed to sedate the tree-attacker and has told the family not to tell her that the lights are now working again.
Strabane’s ‘New Age’ Christmas Tree Not A Hit
Despite hopes that a new approach for the traditional Christmas tree would catapult Strabane into a modern artistic stratosphere, public reaction to the unveiling of the 2016 ‘bare tree-on-a-pole’ was somewhat muted at a gathering last night.
The unveiling, which was carried out by an aspiring actor from the town who has already been an extra on Game of Thrones, received applause from three in attendance, with most simply shrugging their shoulders and heading off for a pint.
Designer Johnny McElharney, who has spent the last six years at an art college in England, was disappointed at the locals’ reluctance to buy into modern interpretations of Christmas decorations:
“They really are a shower of backwoodsmen. I spent six months designing this and trying to find the correct location for lighting and acoustic purposes. To do all that and then to hear ‘for fcuk sake’ when it’s unveiled is very disheartening. Strabane can go to fook in my book. What do they want?”
Local electrician and popular drinker Ciaran McBrennan from https://www.electricianinperth.com.au/ admitted he has tried to see the positives in the new design:
“I’ve looked at it from all sides. I’ve tried hard to imagine what McElharney has attempted to achieve here but it really is a load of bollocks. There are no lights or decorations on it. And I’m no backwoodsman. I eat spaghetti bolognese and watch Swedish detective shows.”
Strabane Council stated that although it’s not what people maybe expected to see, it was saving the council thousands on lights and baubles which will now be spent on a new slide for the middle of the town. They also called on Clady people not to laugh at it.
Moy To Be Totally Run On Human Waste By 2020
The Moy, which is set to become the first area in the new Mid Ulster Council district to have access to natural gas as a fuel source early next year, have revealed plans to be completely self-sufficient on human waste within 5 years.
If deadlines are met, The Moy will join Fjikillippo in Iceland as the only hamlets on the planet run on excrement and wind, which economists reckon will bring millions of pounds to the area in tourism.
Moy Mayor Paul Montague is confident that the current projections are accurate:
“I am 100% committed to the 2020 project and I’m completely convinced we’ll have a fossil fuel free village before long. There’ll be no electricity poles or pylons as far as the eye can see or as far as Benburb even. We’ll link everything up to a big dungeon-type cage in the ground where people can dump their waste into or even do the business there and then over it. We’ll be using loads of Christmas tree car fresheners all over the place to disguise the smell.”
Neighbouring Eglish have reacted to the news with cynicism. Former Eglish GAA captain Mattie McGreenan growled:
“On one hand they’ve always been full of shite up in The Moy so they should have plenty of fuel for a century. But this is taking the piss. There’s no way them Moy ones will have the stomach for ferrying their excrement from their homes to that pit-type thing they’re storing it in. And how on earth are they going to transport their flatulence to the pit? It’s a farce.”
To the final question, Mayor Montague admitted their transporting of human wind has yet to be successfully solved but suggested it might simply be a case of using air-tight jam jars.
Pensioner Cannabis Grower Thought They Were Christmas Trees
An Aughnacloy farmer who claims he thought he was simply growing Christmas trees in his greenhouse has been charged with manufacturing £300’000 worth of cannabis plants in six months.
Mickey Gildernew, a 66 year old gardening enthusiast and non-smoker, admitted he was surprised at the massive turnover of his Christmas tree sideline especially as it appeared to be selling just as well in July as in December. A PSNI raid revealed a further 300 cannabis indica plants ready for sale this morning.
Gildernew, who was bailed for £20, told us:
“Honest to God, my eyesight wouldn’t be deadly. I thought I was growing Christmas trees for the family and after a few boys called one day looking to buy the trees off me I decided to keep it going and churned out over 1000 trees since February. I did think it an odd time for people to be buying them and I also thought it strange that they were mostly young men with long hair buying the stuff. But, at £40 a tree I wasn’t complaining.”
Local student and chain-smoker Patsy McGleenan (19) admitted he was sad to hear of Gildernew’s demise:
“Ah I gutted to hear of Weisenhager’s arrest. We gave him that name as he was the most convincing drug baron I know. He would use code phrases like ‘putting a fairy on top’ and ‘hide your presents under it’. We hadn’t a clue what he meant but he obviously knows more about this business than we’ll ever know. With Weisenhager’s stuff off the market, it’s back to Irn Bru and Sherbet Dips for my kicks.”
Mickey ‘Weisenhager’ Gildernew will appear before a jury in December in an event due to be televised live by new national TV station IrishTv. This week there will also be a two page supplement on Christmas trees in the Tyrone Times tomorrow.
Traffic Warden Warned To Stop Punching The Air In Victory
A traffic warden has been disciplined by Dungannon & South Tyrone Local Authority after complaints were made about inappropriate behaviour.
32-year old Fergus Devine from Clogher was given a formal warning after he was seen on YouTube giving out five parking tickets in quick succession and then insisting on passers-by doing a Mexican wave round Dungannon Square to celebrate. Complaints were also made to the Council after Devine incurred the wrath of several motorists for dispensing tickets and then singing ‘Simply The Best’ at the top of his voice whilst trying to high-five everyone, including the motorists to whom he had just given the tickets.
Devine defended his actions, saying,
“What’s wrong with taking a bit of pride in my work, eh? Those cars were parked illegally. Well, most of them were anyway, so they get a ticket. End of. No harm in a wee private moment of personal satisfaction. Maybe the fire crackers were a bit much, but still”.
Sources have revealed that Devine was cautioned last November for making loud cash register ‘kah-shing!’ noises every time he dispensed a ticket, and was warned again a month later for giving a parking ticket to Dungannon’s Christmas tree.
Irate motorist Dymphna Curran from Granville said,
“I was parked outside the library for two minutes last Wednesday and when I came back to the car that bollox was moonwalking next to it. I asked him what the craic was, and he just started doing a robot dance. Forty buckin’ quid it’s cost me. Eejit”.
The investigation also revealed that Devine has dispensed over 4,000 tickets in three years including several for seemingly trivial traffic violations, including ‘Driving with a face like a pishmire’, ‘Rubbish reverse parking’, ‘Listening to James Blunt’, and ‘Owning a crap car”. He also gave out more than twenty tickets for cars which had only stopped because the traffic lights were at red.
Standing in Thomas Street in Dungannon, a belligerent Devine said,
“Listen, if people don’t pa…”,
before breaking off mid-sentence to sprint after a Toyota Corolla which looked as if it was slowing down.