An Aughnacloy farmer who claims he thought he was simply growing Christmas trees in his greenhouse has been charged with manufacturing £300’000 worth of cannabis plants in six months.
Mickey Gildernew, a 66 year old gardening enthusiast and non-smoker, admitted he was surprised at the massive turnover of his Christmas tree sideline especially as it appeared to be selling just as well in July as in December. A PSNI raid revealed a further 300 cannabis indica plants ready for sale this morning.
Gildernew, who was bailed for £20, told us:
“Honest to God, my eyesight wouldn’t be deadly. I thought I was growing Christmas trees for the family and after a few boys called one day looking to buy the trees off me I decided to keep it going and churned out over 1000 trees since February. I did think it an odd time for people to be buying them and I also thought it strange that they were mostly young men with long hair buying the stuff. But, at £40 a tree I wasn’t complaining.”
Local student and chain-smoker Patsy McGleenan (19) admitted he was sad to hear of Gildernew’s demise:
“Ah I gutted to hear of Weisenhager’s arrest. We gave him that name as he was the most convincing drug baron I know. He would use code phrases like ‘putting a fairy on top’ and ‘hide your presents under it’. We hadn’t a clue what he meant but he obviously knows more about this business than we’ll ever know. With Weisenhager’s stuff off the market, it’s back to Irn Bru and Sherbet Dips for my kicks.”
Mickey ‘Weisenhager’ Gildernew will appear before a jury in December in an event due to be televised live by new national TV station IrishTv. This week there will also be a two page supplement on Christmas trees in the Tyrone Times tomorrow.
A Tyrone drinks manufacturer is hoping to capitalise on the good start to the summer by launching a new type of cider drink, with pig’s blood as the prime ingredient. The brains behind the idea, local businessman and border-line fruitcake Eugene Kerr, explained the deranged thinking that has brought the drink from initial concept to supermarket shelf.
“You’ve got your Magner’s made with apples and of course Bulmer’s is already made out of bulls. One step on and you’ve got Stymer’s made out of pig blood with quare wee floaty bacon bits. Stand aside Strongbow, there’s a new kid in town! Those boys in Armagh can’t be having it all their own way with their fancy apple orchards. What’s Tyrone got plenty of to make cider with? Pigs. Oh, and bog, but I tried that one. I’ve learned from my mistakes”.
If the Stymer’s brand is successful, Kerr plans to expand the range by creating a partnership with Moy Park Chickens. “Once people get used to ‘Pig Stymer’s’, wait until they get a taste of our ‘Chicken Thigh-der’. We’ve more chickens in Tyrone than you can shake a stick at. It’s going to be big. Maybe even as big as Irn Bru”, predicted an excited Kerr.
The marketing launch to the food and drink press took place at the Greenvale Hotel in Craigavon last Thursday night. Launched with the slogan, ‘For Days When It’s Hot. Bacon Hot’, Kerr was evasive about the feedback from the assembled journalists.
“Well, I couldn’t quite hear the comments for all the retching and the like that was going on, but sure people just need to open their mind a bit. I remember folk in Greencastle started riots when they heard some people were adding water to the Bushmills. Same goes for Stymer’s. A few months and people won’t be able to get enough of the taste of fizzy alcoholic pig blood”.
Promotional activity which took place in Dungannon main street on Saturday under a big banner saying ‘Can You Take The Stymer’s Test?!’ was hurriedly abandoned after an outbreak of mass vomiting amongst participants