A Moy man, with suspected close connections to Armagh, has been spotted feeding young and old north Armagh residents who have crossed over into the Tyrone border foraging for breakfast and dinner.
Armagh folk, who appear to have struggled to adapt to buying and selling goods as well as general all-round basic human development, are still dependent on family members with excellent hunting skills to gather sustenance for the day – keeping alive a proud tradition dating right back to the Stone Age in the area.
Until recently, Armaghicans have restricted their plundering within their own county borders for over 6000 years. However, a growing population and cleverer wildlife have left them with no option but to look over the fence and to begin pilfering border areas such as the Moy and Eglish, angering the locals especially chicken and pig farmers.
Moy media man Colly McKill has denied leaving out scraps and whistling, before heading to bed:
“That’s just lies. I’m a whistler by nature. And if the bin men lifted the rubbish more often I wouldn’t have a bin overflowing with cakes and soda farls.”
When pressed, McKill admitted he has a romantic investment in County Armagh but was prepared to prove he wasn’t encouraging them to ravage South Tyrone for nourishment:
“OK, the wife is from across the border but I categorically deny feeding others. If you look outside you can see several man-traps primed to go off tonight in case they come raking around my land.”
Tyrone Charity Committee have organised an emergency meeting to discuss whether to aid their neighbours by setting free 8000 chickens, 5000 pigs and dropping hundreds of boxes of Tayto crisps in various points in the Orchard County.
A Tyrone drinks manufacturer is hoping to capitalise on the good start to the summer by launching a new type of cider drink, with pig’s blood as the prime ingredient. The brains behind the idea, local businessman and border-line fruitcake Eugene Kerr, explained the deranged thinking that has brought the drink from initial concept to supermarket shelf.
“You’ve got your Magner’s made with apples and of course Bulmer’s is already made out of bulls. One step on and you’ve got Stymer’s made out of pig blood with quare wee floaty bacon bits. Stand aside Strongbow, there’s a new kid in town! Those boys in Armagh can’t be having it all their own way with their fancy apple orchards. What’s Tyrone got plenty of to make cider with? Pigs. Oh, and bog, but I tried that one. I’ve learned from my mistakes”.
If the Stymer’s brand is successful, Kerr plans to expand the range by creating a partnership with Moy Park Chickens. “Once people get used to ‘Pig Stymer’s’, wait until they get a taste of our ‘Chicken Thigh-der’. We’ve more chickens in Tyrone than you can shake a stick at. It’s going to be big. Maybe even as big as Irn Bru”, predicted an excited Kerr.
The marketing launch to the food and drink press took place at the Greenvale Hotel in Craigavon last Thursday night. Launched with the slogan, ‘For Days When It’s Hot. Bacon Hot’, Kerr was evasive about the feedback from the assembled journalists.
“Well, I couldn’t quite hear the comments for all the retching and the like that was going on, but sure people just need to open their mind a bit. I remember folk in Greencastle started riots when they heard some people were adding water to the Bushmills. Same goes for Stymer’s. A few months and people won’t be able to get enough of the taste of fizzy alcoholic pig blood”.
Promotional activity which took place in Dungannon main street on Saturday under a big banner saying ‘Can You Take The Stymer’s Test?!’ was hurriedly abandoned after an outbreak of mass vomiting amongst participants
Fresh fears that farming in Fintona is now a fading occupation have magnified since the New Year after it was revealed that livestock were left unattended for three months as farmers played out their farming fantasies online. Although Facebook’s Farmville and Farmtown had claimed a few farming families in Fintona recently, the latest farming fads (Wii farming) during the festivities has confirmed fears that farming is approaching a thing of the past in the area.
These alarming developments were laid bare when cattle roamed freely down the Fintona Main Street whilst pigs wandered in and out of public houses without a bat on an eyelid, on January 3rd. A local ex-farmer, who wished to remain anonymous, told us of his predicament after neglecting his 200-year family farming traditions:
“I just can’t quit it. I’m not a big Facebook user but I always click on any link when I see the word ‘farm’. Herself would be on the Facebook and I was just messing around on Farmville. Before long I was calving more in three hours than I had in three years on the land. Sure, how could you turn that down? OK, no money was coming in but isn’t it a great feeling? I received savage satisfaction from boasting about it on her Facebook wall. I invited other farmers onto my virtual land. Previously all we had in common was gawking at the Farmers’ Wives magazine. Before long I was cultivating beyond my wildest dreams. It is far better than the stark reality of getting up at the age of 45 before dawn to red out the shed. I even talk to the wife now, on the computer, telling her about my harvest. I feel great. I need to shoot on here. Harry is watering my vegetables but he is a hoor for over-doing it.”
Pubs and clubs in Fintona experienced a sharp downturn in takings as their most loyal clientele remain indoors farming cabbages and keeping flowerbeds well weeded online. One pub owner, Gabriel McKenna, claimed:
“For feck sake. Them lazy balaxes are sitting on their arses in their spare rooms tending to virtual farms with their curtains pulled and probably bollock naked. This is fecked up beyond all recognition. The sheep are a wooly as feck now. Like Rastafarian sheep. Cattle are bulging. Pigs are just covered in so much shite that look like wild dingos. Orwell was right. These yokes will be running the joint soon. I had a big hairy yak in the bar yesterday slurping on a half pint of stout.”
The Fintona Farmers’ Forum have called for the Internet to be turned off in the town.
Despite being ‘laughed out of it’ during the infant weeks of his new business venture ‘iPigs’, Urney entrepreneur Joe McCafferty has turned the sleepy townland of Urney into Europe’s most affluent area after Paris in under a year.
Such is the reputation of the West Tyrone hinterland, high earners in Hollywood and Russian cosmonauts are considering buying a second home in the area.
McCafferty, despondent at the the chronic effect the never-ending recession has had on his homeplace, took a gamble and opened a pig-renting shop iPig. Despite being told that his idea was “a load of shit” by struggling local shop owners, Joe persisted and is now the wealthiest man in Ireland after Michael Lyster and Gay Byrne.
“I just thought the country was couped and had a lock of pigs floating about the back yard. I cleaned them up and started Joe’s iPigs and didn’t people start renting pigs. I’ve no idea why. I just suppose folk were so broke they thought somehow owning a pig for a week might make them happy. Anyone with a pig on a leash seemed to be without a care in the world.
Since word got out, over 400 pigs from iPigs were rented out for an average of 3 days with customers are young as 4.
“I think they then became a fashion accessory amongst youngsters so word got out on Twitter that the next big thing was to have a rented pig. I then started selling iPig pig clothes as accessories. They were like hot cakes. Within three months I’d made £3.5m I think. Another lad tried opening a rival pig-renting shop was Micropig at the other end of the street but I threatened him and then bought him off. To those who said I was mad – up yours, ye dicks.”
McCafferty has pumped much of his takings back into the townland and has built a massage parlour and a castle, opened a Harrods, Top Man, Prada, Georgio Armani and a Chanel shop.
Someone looking like Keira Knightly was reportedly seen down near Clady looking at houses whilst Nigella Lawson loosely talked about opening a cafe in the main street.
Joe’s iPig pigs can be rented for £5 a day for a maximum of two weeks.