GAA headquarters were today said to be frantically searching for an alternative location for RTE’s live broadcast for the All-Ireland Final replay after over 3cm of Joe Brolly’s slabbers fell onto the studio floor before, during and after the drawn final, causing permanent damage to the extensive electronic equipment.
Inside sources maintain the biggest deluge occurred at half time when the Dungiven barrister considered the possibility that supernatural forces were preventing Mayo from gaining their first All-Ireland title since 1951.
Cameraman and ex-Leitrim great Gerry Sullivan explained:
“Even when he arrived he started slabberin about how deadly Dublin were, calling them the second coming and stuff like that. Spillane nearly broke his hip slipping on the Derry man’s drool as he arrived into the studio. At half time, a quarter of our electronic devices were saturated in saliva.”
Michael Lyster attempted to persuade Brolly to don a see-thru bib for the after-match analysis but was thwarted after being electrocuted by Joe’s mic.
An RTE meteorologist confirmed that over 3.2cm of slabber fell in a 3-hour period in the studio, similar to the amount of rainfall collected in the whole of Strabane during the same period. DNA experts believe only 2.9cm of the drool was from the Brolly gene with the remaining 0.3cm shared between O’Rourke and Spillane.
Producers have since vowed never to allow Brolly and Martin McHugh to appear in the same studio at the same time.
A Pomeroy technician revealed he has been commissioned to build a new studio at RTE for Brolly, Spillane, Lyster and O’Rourke to re-enact key moments in games which are being shown exclusively live on Sky TV. The GAA announced earlier this week that 14 matches will be shown on Sky Sports. These consist of eight Saturday evening matches in the All-Ireland qualifiers, two All-Ireland football championship quarter-finals, and two Saturday evening and two Sunday provincial championship games.
However, Leo Devlin, who built a hen house for one of RTE’s senior producers in 2011, has been asked to construct a makeshift studio which will see the Sunday Game quartet act out vital plays from these Sky matches for RTE viewers such as goals, points, blocks and shoulders to compliment their commentary.
“I was told that people might get bored of watching Spillane and co just sitting there watching a match, telling us what is happening. What is proposed is that, say for example Meath is playing Tyrone, O’Rourke will turn up in his Meath gear, Brolly in a Tyrone top and shorts, Spillane will dress as a referee and Lyster can be the umpire or something. They will re-enact key scenes from the game so that viewers can almost visualize the match if they cannot afford Sky or work that remote controller they have. It’ll be some craic with them boys, especially if it’s a sending off for a decapitation or a kick in the balls.”
RTE have refused to confirm the existence of the new studio but admitted it’ll be hard for their viewers to stick looking at Brolly’s facial gurns and general slouching:
“We do need to offer something different. We did a dry run and O’Rourke never moved a muscle for two hours. He made a 3-15 to 4-18 game sound like a 0-0. They’ll be turning over to reruns of The High Chaparral on TG4 in their droves unless we spice it up a bit.”
Devlin also confirmed that a Drummurrer man has been granted permission to fit a new stove in the studio.
Despite being ‘laughed out of it’ during the infant weeks of his new business venture ‘iPigs’, Urney entrepreneur Joe McCafferty has turned the sleepy townland of Urney into Europe’s most affluent area after Paris in under a year.
Such is the reputation of the West Tyrone hinterland, high earners in Hollywood and Russian cosmonauts are considering buying a second home in the area.
McCafferty, despondent at the the chronic effect the never-ending recession has had on his homeplace, took a gamble and opened a pig-renting shop iPig. Despite being told that his idea was “a load of shit” by struggling local shop owners, Joe persisted and is now the wealthiest man in Ireland after Michael Lyster and Gay Byrne.
“I just thought the country was couped and had a lock of pigs floating about the back yard. I cleaned them up and started Joe’s iPigs and didn’t people start renting pigs. I’ve no idea why. I just suppose folk were so broke they thought somehow owning a pig for a week might make them happy. Anyone with a pig on a leash seemed to be without a care in the world.
Since word got out, over 400 pigs from iPigs were rented out for an average of 3 days with customers are young as 4.
“I think they then became a fashion accessory amongst youngsters so word got out on Twitter that the next big thing was to have a rented pig. I then started selling iPig pig clothes as accessories. They were like hot cakes. Within three months I’d made £3.5m I think. Another lad tried opening a rival pig-renting shop was Micropig at the other end of the street but I threatened him and then bought him off. To those who said I was mad – up yours, ye dicks.”
McCafferty has pumped much of his takings back into the townland and has built a massage parlour and a castle, opened a Harrods, Top Man, Prada, Georgio Armani and a Chanel shop.
Someone looking like Keira Knightly was reportedly seen down near Clady looking at houses whilst Nigella Lawson loosely talked about opening a cafe in the main street.
Joe’s iPig pigs can be rented for £5 a day for a maximum of two weeks.