By Clamped Candy.
Top GAA experts are working on a vaccine to stop a worrying new strain of the Dublin virus. This seasonal plague, which takes many victims every year, has arrived later than normal with some notable new mutations, making it stronger and more adaptable.
It was hoped that contact with earlier forms of the phenomenon might provide some natural defence. But antibodies detected in Kerry and Donegal some years ago have long since dissipated. Symptoms of the new strain vary but often begin with a sudden shock to the system, followed by an apparent slow recovery, only to go down hill again as the remorseless nature of the variant sets in.
Social distancing does not appear to work. In fact it only seems to make its effects worse. Testing is in the early stages but initial reports suggest vaccine will not provide immunity though it may mitigate the results. The process apparently involves splitting the virus into several constituent parts.
If approved, the vaccine will be rolled out to the most vulnerable first which means all of Leinster will be the first to receive it. But some people believe the virus’s strength is being exaggerated, recalling an equally virulent version in the late ’70s and early ’80s which arrived from Kerry and disappeared of its own accord around 1987.
They claim that the panic is worse than the disease. And that it’s being spread by anti ‘Jacksers’. Pundits will also receive inoculation, with Colm O’Rourke and Pat Spillane on the list, dependent on who is the biggest dose. Sorry, dependent on who needs the biggest dose.
GAA headquarters were today said to be frantically searching for an alternative location for RTE’s live broadcast for the All-Ireland Final replay after over 3cm of Joe Brolly’s slabbers fell onto the studio floor before, during and after the drawn final, causing permanent damage to the extensive electronic equipment.
Inside sources maintain the biggest deluge occurred at half time when the Dungiven barrister considered the possibility that supernatural forces were preventing Mayo from gaining their first All-Ireland title since 1951.
Cameraman and ex-Leitrim great Gerry Sullivan explained:
“Even when he arrived he started slabberin about how deadly Dublin were, calling them the second coming and stuff like that. Spillane nearly broke his hip slipping on the Derry man’s drool as he arrived into the studio. At half time, a quarter of our electronic devices were saturated in saliva.”
Michael Lyster attempted to persuade Brolly to don a see-thru bib for the after-match analysis but was thwarted after being electrocuted by Joe’s mic.
An RTE meteorologist confirmed that over 3.2cm of slabber fell in a 3-hour period in the studio, similar to the amount of rainfall collected in the whole of Strabane during the same period. DNA experts believe only 2.9cm of the drool was from the Brolly gene with the remaining 0.3cm shared between O’Rourke and Spillane.
Producers have since vowed never to allow Brolly and Martin McHugh to appear in the same studio at the same time.
Colm O’Rourke, the ex-Meath hatchet man and RTE pundit, has admitted to feeling ‘mightily relieved’ and ‘a little bit embarrassed’ after finally getting to the root of the ‘bad smell’ which he originally thought was following the Tyrone football team around the place.
O’Rourke, who visited his GP in the aftermath of the Tyrone/Monaghan quarter final after a particularly bad stench, was told by his doctor that the smell was in fact emanating from his own mouth, known in the medical world as Orificium Manuritis, or ‘talking dung’ in layman’s terms.
A friend of the Navan headmaster told us:
“Colm is a happy man tonight. He couldn’t understand why the foul smell would worsen every time he analysed Tyrone games. Don’t get me wrong, the smell was always there no matter what he was harping on about but any time he mentioned the ‘T’ word it went into overdrive. He thought it was coming from the Tyrone squad but we now know he was just spouting shite from his own orifice. It’s a great relief for everyone. Orificium Manuritis is apparently contagious, especially amongst journalists, so it’s important to manage the outbreak.”
RTE have promised to help O’Rourke during his rehabilitation process and will bar him from analysing Tyrone games for 24 months.
Meanwhile, a source from within the Tyrone camp has revealed that Mickey Harte has called an emergency squad meeting this week after watching last week’s ill-tempered semi final between Mayo and Dublin. It is thought that Harte believes Tyrone are ‘still too nice’ to compete with the big three and has called in trainers from the other semi finalists to share their acute expertise in diving, feigning, sledging and off the ball skulduggery which was brilliantly executed on Sunday, at the highest level.
The cameraman who took out Usain Bolt after his victorious 200m run has been accused of having ‘Tyrone cynicism’ in his DNA after Joe Brolly claimed his grandmother was one of the Corrs from mid-Ulster.
Tao Song, who appeared from nowhere to flatten the champion sprinter, apologised to Bolt at the awards ceremony but too late for RTE pundit Brolly:
“Young Song might be a great cameraman but you can forget about him as a man as far as I’m concerned. You see the Chinese jumping up and down there thinking their camera work has been great but they’ve achieved something rotten in my book. I won’t be going for a pint with him any time soon. He’s one of the Brackaville Corrs I’m told. Not surprised.”
Colm O’Rourke backed his RTE counterpart after a slo-mo analysis of the incident:
“You can see this has been coached into him. It has Harte’s fingerprints all over it, the way he sneaked up and just pulled his man down and the pretended to be hurt himself. This type of behaviour has been following the Beijing cameramen around like a bad smell. It’ll come back to bite them the next time the voting takes place for a major event.”
Michael Corr, head of the Corr Clan organisation in Tyrone confirmed that a Corr woman did marry a Chinese man in 1933 but wanted to set the record straight:
“Yes it looks bad but what about all the other camera man stuff that goes on? Why are they picking on young Song who is a nice modest lad and who knows he probably shouldn’t have done it.”
Brolly also intimated that Song indulged in a bit of sledging before the incident, shouting at Bolt in a thick Chinese/Mid-Ulster accent:
“Let’s see ye run from this ye glipe”
After a series of baffling decisions in the All-Ireland Semi Final yesterday, Maurice Deegan was added to the list of public figures that Tyrone people are not to send Christmas Cards to whether they know them or not.
Deegan, who has reportedly been given the freedom of Kerry to herd goats down any town’s Main Street, becomes the 10th GAA figure on the list joining luminaries such as Paddy Heaney, Ciaran Whelan, Colm O’Rourke, Pat Spillane, Paddy Russell, Charlie Redmond, Declan O’Sullivan, Joe Brolly and Kevin McStay.
Tyrone Post Office PR Sammy Hurson reminded the public that there’ll be regular checks at their depots throughout December:
“We can confirm that Deegan has been added to the list so we’ve hired a few extra workers to make sure no Christmas Cards slip through and make their ways to these dastardly men. Any cards addressed to the ten men will be burned on the spot and filmed on YouTube.”
With Brolly and Heaney having a rash of Tyrone relations, the PO have suggested donating the price of a card and stamp to the Strabane Donkey Sanctuary or to sponsor a an eel up at the fishery in Toome.
Meanwhile, Deegan has been given the freedom of Kerry ‘For Services To The Kingdom’ according to a Kerry newspaper. The ‘Kerry Kop’ states that Deegan will be free to herd goats anywhere he wants as long as he uses a bit of blue pipe to shepherd the goats and not a stick or a quad bike.
Sources confirmed that Deegan is unaware of the offer but is unlikely to accept the offer after turning down a lifetime membership of the Mayo Supporters’ Society in 2013.
Insiders at St Patrick’s in Navan confirmed this afternoon that Colm O’Rourke had to be warned three times by the Board of Governors for ‘giggling away to himself’ at a first staff meeting for the 2015/6 academic year. Mr O’Rourke, Principal of the school, was finally asked to stand in the corner after smirking and rubbing his hands during a conversation on discipline procedures for the coming year.
Cleaner Mary Dowds, who has worked in the school since 1933, explained how O’Rourke was in unusually pleasant form for the first day back:
“The master would be a grumpy sort of man but this morning he was grinning from ear to ear and saying things like ‘I’ve got them now‘ and ‘Pat and Joe will be so pleased with me‘, and pointing at his nose and winking. We hadn’t a clue what he was on about.”
O’Rourke’s mobile phone was also confiscated by the Chair of the Board after he was caught texting several times during the meeting. Dowds added:
“He was infuriating everyone. The chairperson took the phone off him and read out one of his texts. It was addressed to a ‘Ciaran’ and it said ‘LOL, can’t believe RTE fell for it.’ It didn’t seem to faze him though and he just kept on smirking.”
Meanwhile, The Ulster Samaritans revealed they’re still perplexed at the astronomical rise in calls to their centres over the weekend, mostly from Derry and Armagh callers. Samaritans spokesperson Mary Applebum explained:
“From 6pm on Saturday evening til last night our phones were red hot with people from Ballinderry and Maghery wailing and sobbing. We couldn’t really work out what was wrong but they seemed to be worried about their heart or something like that.”
A Pomeroy technician revealed he has been commissioned to build a new studio at RTE for Brolly, Spillane, Lyster and O’Rourke to re-enact key moments in games which are being shown exclusively live on Sky TV. The GAA announced earlier this week that 14 matches will be shown on Sky Sports. These consist of eight Saturday evening matches in the All-Ireland qualifiers, two All-Ireland football championship quarter-finals, and two Saturday evening and two Sunday provincial championship games.
However, Leo Devlin, who built a hen house for one of RTE’s senior producers in 2011, has been asked to construct a makeshift studio which will see the Sunday Game quartet act out vital plays from these Sky matches for RTE viewers such as goals, points, blocks and shoulders to compliment their commentary.
“I was told that people might get bored of watching Spillane and co just sitting there watching a match, telling us what is happening. What is proposed is that, say for example Meath is playing Tyrone, O’Rourke will turn up in his Meath gear, Brolly in a Tyrone top and shorts, Spillane will dress as a referee and Lyster can be the umpire or something. They will re-enact key scenes from the game so that viewers can almost visualize the match if they cannot afford Sky or work that remote controller they have. It’ll be some craic with them boys, especially if it’s a sending off for a decapitation or a kick in the balls.”
RTE have refused to confirm the existence of the new studio but admitted it’ll be hard for their viewers to stick looking at Brolly’s facial gurns and general slouching:
“We do need to offer something different. We did a dry run and O’Rourke never moved a muscle for two hours. He made a 3-15 to 4-18 game sound like a 0-0. They’ll be turning over to reruns of The High Chaparral on TG4 in their droves unless we spice it up a bit.”
Devlin also confirmed that a Drummurrer man has been granted permission to fit a new stove in the studio.
Dungannon & South Tyrone Council confirmed last night that they intend to issue a new wheelie bin to all rate payers, specifically to collect materials relating to Joe Brolly.
The bright red wheelie bin, already coined ‘the Brolly Trolley’, is being hurriedly distributed over the next few days in anticipation of another verbal tirade from the Under-12 manager and some-time RTE commentator at next weekend’s televised minor final against Mayo, Brolly’s last chance for another lambasting of Tyrone in 2013.
Refuse Department spokesman Sean McKenna said,
“There’s been a tara amount of stuff just dumped over the past month. On Monday, a 90-foot tall wicker man was found in Aughabrack with a wee plate of biscuits at the bottom and a sign saying ‘For Joe Brolly’, to entice him inside. These things have to be disposed of. Someone even dumped a 48-inch plasma in Parkanaur because Joe Brolly had appeared on it. People need to wise up. In the meantime, they’ll get a Brolly Trolley to put everything in”.
An increasing number of wax dolls have also been found dumped by the sides of roads throughout the county, with Omagh Arts College confirming that they have received record applications for their ‘Voodoo For Beginners’ classes.
“People were getting jabbed with all the needles falling out of the wax dolls and suchlike”, said McKenna. “Their wee wax faces were all sort of pinched and rodent-y lookin’, so we can only assume they’re of Joe Brolly. They’re a health hazard. They need to be safely disposed of”.
Council refuge workers also said they had seen a rise in the number of umbrellas being discarded because Tyrone supporters dislike the ‘brolly’ association, and there are reports of people nervously throwing away broccoli because of the possible connotations with the RTE commentator. However, there have been some positive developments with weekend fighting in places like Brackaville and the Washingbay having all but stopped. A spokesperson for the PSNI said,
“We’re always accusing these sorts of people of too much brawling, and we think they’ve got it confused with ‘Brolly-ing’. They’ve stopped in case people accuse them of siding with yer wild-eyed shouter off the TV”.
Unconfirmed rumours from Dublin confirmed that in case of another furious outburst from Brolly next Sunday, RTE pundits Pat Spillane and Colm O’Rourke have both requested Brolly Trolleys that they can use to hide in.