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Beijing Cameraman Who Floored Bolt ‘Has Tyrone Blood’ Says Joe Brolly

The cameraman who took out Usain Bolt after his victorious 200m run has been accused of having ‘Tyrone cynicism’ in his DNA after Joe Brolly claimed his grandmother was one of the Corrs from mid-Ulster.

Tao Song, who appeared from nowhere to flatten the champion sprinter, apologised to Bolt at the awards ceremony but too late for RTE pundit Brolly:

“Young Song might be a great cameraman but you can forget about him as a man as far as I’m concerned. You see the Chinese jumping up and down there thinking their camera work has been great but they’ve achieved something rotten in my book. I won’t be going for a pint with him any time soon. He’s one of the Brackaville Corrs I’m told. Not surprised.”

Colm O’Rourke backed his RTE counterpart after a slo-mo analysis of the incident:

“You can see this has been coached into him. It has Harte’s fingerprints all over it, the way he sneaked up and just pulled his man down and the pretended to be hurt himself. This type of behaviour has been following the Beijing cameramen around like a bad smell. It’ll come back to bite them the next time the voting takes place for a major event.”

Michael Corr, head of the Corr Clan organisation in Tyrone confirmed that a Corr woman did marry a Chinese man in 1933 but wanted to set the record straight:

“Yes it looks bad but what about all the other camera man stuff that goes on? Why are they picking on young Song who is a nice modest lad and who knows he probably shouldn’t have done it.”

Brolly also intimated that Song indulged in a bit of sledging before the incident, shouting at Bolt in a thick Chinese/Mid-Ulster accent:

“Let’s see ye run from this ye glipe”

Galbally Man Says He’s Deadly At Javelin

A Galbally boiler servicer announced yesterday that he’s on course to reach the Olympics in Brazil 2016 at the javelin throwing. Mark Kerlin took the decision to train for the next Olympics in Rio after attending the London games earlier in the year with his father Joe, a former arm-wrestling champion at Galbally sports day.

“I only went to see yer man Bolt and the javelin was on at the same time. I know I was high up, and steaming as well, and that may have distorted my judgement but, Jaysus, them throwers were pure shite. My da agreed with me. He said he has thrown children further. It was then that it dawned on me. In a drunken pledge, I decided to get myself into shape and throw for Ireland in the next Olympics. I am going to put this place on the map. Imagine them Brazilians saying Galbally.”

It took Kerlin a while to get the rhythm

Kerlin managed to steal a javelin from the local primary school and set to work around the back of his house, throwing the thing “3 or 4 times a day”.

“I’m not saying it was easy at first. I spiked the neighbour’s Labrador with my first throw as well as other fatal mishaps. Half of my left ear is missing. What? But I soon got into a rhythm and, with the support of my good wife who tramps out the distance each time, I’m up to 15m a throw. The Irish record is 70m. It’s only a matter of time bejaysus. The cars on the main road probably think there’s something wrong with me when they see me hurling the thing, dressed in a sports vest. Well, I’ll have the last laugh when I line out in Rio de Janeiro, the sniggering fcukers. I can hear what they’re shouting out the window.”

The boilerman has started asking for sponsorship but has not managed to secure any funding from local businesses, labelling them “a miserable shower of fcuking stingy bastards. Typical Galbally hoors. I’m moving to Kildress.”

 

 

Carrickmore Boy Runs Faster Than Bolt

Yesterday it was reported that Carrickmore speedster Little Tony Dumphrey broke the 100m world record at the Tattyreagh Caravan Site Junior Sports Day. The amazing athletic feat was accomplished into a 20mph headwind couple against torrentially angled rain, ‘that oul wet rain’ Site Master Old Tony Dumphrey claimed.

Artist’s impression from America

Those in attendance were gobsmacked at the 8 year-old’s feat and appeared privileged to be there at the time. It was estimated that 25 were in attendance but exactly half of that number were women looking after the one barbecue or nattering about Prince Harry’s balls.

“I completely missed the momentous moment,” said Little Tony’s mother Bridle, “but it doesn’t surprise me. He used to run like a mad’un when the TV man turned the corner, giving us plenty of time to play dead. I just wish I hadn’t been gabbling about Harry’s arse.”

The exact details regarding time and distance seems to have thrown a veil of uncertainty over the feat. Old Tony reacted angrily when asked about the specifics of the achievement and whether the Jamaican should be informed.

“No, the distance wasn’t measured nor was there a watch or clock handy. But ask anyone who was there. He ran faster than anything we’d ever seen and a lot of these boys chase badgers and stuff. It was from about here to over there somewhere. What do you want from me? Just put down 8 seconds and 100m. OK?”

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