A man was hailed as a local hero today after the Guinness Book of Records confirmed his entry into the world record books for hitting the snooze button on his alarm clock an incredible eighteen times in one morning, before actually waking up and getting out of bed.
The young achiever, Caleb McGonnell, an unemployed fence-sitter from Dregish, finally woke up at 11.48am on Friday to a round of applause from his family and neighbours and a bacon sandwich from his mother, all of whom who had watched disbelievingly as he continually hit the snooze button on his Telechron 7H241 radio alarm clock an astonishing eighteen consecutive times before promptly falling back to sleep again.
“It was amazing”, said proud mother Martina. “After he did it for the tenth time we knew something special was happening. That’s when we put the call in to RTE and phoned round all the neighbours. I feel tara because for a long time I’ve been calling the cub a shiftless, good-for-nothing, lazy-arsed hoor, and all this time he’s been hiding his true talent. If only I’d known. It’s the proudest day of my life. It would be amazing if he got asked onto ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. He would look brilliant. Or he would do if he could stop clawing himself in his sleep”.
“I’ve done this at only 23 years of age”, said a delighted Caleb. “And to be honest I think my best years are ahead of me. I really believe I’ve more to give. Sleeping my way into the record books wasn’t too hard”, he said modestly. “When the alarm goes off, it’s all about trying to pretend you’re still asleep, hitting the snooze button, and then whipping your arm back under the covers before it gets cold”.
Dregish locals have already started an on-line campaign to have the activity made into an officially-recognised sport, and McGonnell’s family have created a team in readiness for the Commonwealth Games in case the men’s 100 metres sprint gets cancelled due to lack of interest.
Meanwhile according to sources, McGonnell is refusing to rest on his laurels, and is apparently already hard at work considering another bed-based activity for the record books which is being kept tightly under wraps, but apparently involves something to do with lying on his arm until it goes numb.
Yesterday it was reported that Carrickmore speedster Little Tony Dumphrey broke the 100m world record at the Tattyreagh Caravan Site Junior Sports Day. The amazing athletic feat was accomplished into a 20mph headwind couple against torrentially angled rain, ‘that oul wet rain’ Site Master Old Tony Dumphrey claimed.
Those in attendance were gobsmacked at the 8 year-old’s feat and appeared privileged to be there at the time. It was estimated that 25 were in attendance but exactly half of that number were women looking after the one barbecue or nattering about Prince Harry’s balls.
“I completely missed the momentous moment,” said Little Tony’s mother Bridle, “but it doesn’t surprise me. He used to run like a mad’un when the TV man turned the corner, giving us plenty of time to play dead. I just wish I hadn’t been gabbling about Harry’s arse.”
The exact details regarding time and distance seems to have thrown a veil of uncertainty over the feat. Old Tony reacted angrily when asked about the specifics of the achievement and whether the Jamaican should be informed.
“No, the distance wasn’t measured nor was there a watch or clock handy. But ask anyone who was there. He ran faster than anything we’d ever seen and a lot of these boys chase badgers and stuff. It was from about here to over there somewhere. What do you want from me? Just put down 8 seconds and 100m. OK?”