Monthly Archives: January 2024
Mountains Of Pomeroy Slated On Tripadvisor For Being ‘Not All That Mountainy’
A mountain-climbing team from Nepal has left scathing reviews of Pomeroy after their 10-strong entourage was left disappointed from travelling 4700 miles to climb the famed mountains they heard about in a song on YouTube.
The professional climbers, who recently climbed Mount Everest in the fastest time ever, flew to Ireland after hearing a song on YouTube sung by Niall Hanna, determined to master the Pomeroy Mountains on foot and to find the remains of Renardine who is mentioned in the song.
Taking to Tripadvisor, world champion climber Purmal Nurja fumed:
“Put it like this, Everest is nearly 9000m above sea level. The biggest hill in Pomeroy is 400m. This was a disappointing climb. It took us half an hour, after travelling for 16 hours to get here. On the plus side, we are staying in Galbally and Tally’s Bar was some craic. We got bluttered and joined a local cultural group called Óglaigh na hÉireann who are going to take us out soon on a tour. But Pomeroy is not that great for the climbing. Niall Hanna has a lot to answer for.”
Nurja and his team are currently on the way to Lough Neagh to ‘see the monster’.
Tight January Sees Man Raid Back Of Cupboard To Eat Tinned Sardines And Pickled Onion Sandwiches For Dinner
A Pomeroy electrician has admitted that things have gotten so tight this month, after a Christmas spending splurge, he is contemplating making a cake made out of stuff from the back of his cupboard, including soup lentils, Horlicks, and a dried-out Pot Noodle which was Best Before Feb 2022.
Dermy Devlin, who usually hokes around the back of the cupboard around the 25th of most months, declared that January has been so tight this year that he has already defrosted and eaten a dinner he put in the freezer during the Covid years and wasn’t sure what it was.
“Tight month alright. I’m thinking down the line here and reckon I could make a cake made out of Oxo stock cubes, barley and half a bag of brown flour. I found a tin of sardines and a jar of pickled onions yesterday and made a delightful sandwich, washed down with diluted blackcurrent juice. It might be something I’ll try again if I’ve guests around.”
Devlin revealed another top tip he has used during the week that he believes may be set to revolutionise budget spending in the home:
“I use teabags three times. The key to this is to drink three cups of tea in rapid-quick time with one teabag so that the teabag never dries out and maintains a level of acceptability. So that means I’ve three cups of tea in one sitting and not just one. By the time I’ve drank the 3rd cup, sometimes within about seven minutes, I’m sick of the tea and don’t want any more for at least six hours.”
In other news, a pothole in Dungannon has been granted a provisional place on the UNESCO World Heritage List and is set to become a tourist attraction for its size and longevity.
Four MLAs Fight Over Laptop Plug In Coffee Shop In Cookstown
Four prominent MLAs had to be pulled apart after they came to blows over the usage of a plug to charge their laptops whilst sitting in a coffee shop, Grinders, in Cookstown, which they visit every day for up to six hours.
Harry Anderson (SDLP), Loretta Campbell (Alliance), Daithi O’Callaghan (SF) and Norman Blackside (DUP) have since been barred from Grinders for a month due to the disruption caused by their riotous behaviour at the weekend.
Hugh O’Neill from Tullyhogue witnessed the ordeal:
“I saw this coming a mile away. Sometimes you have up to 20 MLAs in the coffee shop at any one time on their laptops for hours on end. To be fair, they keep coffee shops afloat at the minute. Anyway, there was only one plug left free and Anderson went over and unplugged the extension lead which was serving the other three. It ended with Blackside emptying a whole cappuchino over O’Callaghan. Luckily, Blackside takes a pile of milk so the burns were minor. And Anderson definitely called Campbell ‘an oul c**t’ “
Grinders published a message on Facebook warning any MLAs who want to come into their shop to behave or there will be a permanent ban and they’ll have to go to Stewartstown or Moneymore for coffee.
Beragh Man Starting To Look Like A Turkey After SIX Days Of Eating It
Family and friends of a Beragh plasterer have pleaded with him to change his diet immediately after devouring SIX turkey dinners in consecutive days, and have confirmed he is starting to show turkey-like appearance issues.
Felix Grew, who bought a 6kg turkey despite the fact he lives on his own, is refusing to waste any of the food he bought for Christmas Day, with his repeated consumption of Brussels sprouts also causing a different issue for visitors to his house. Grew is said to now possess a red neck, with his head getting bluer by the day.
A close friend admitted:
“I was white shocked when I saw him at the Spar this morning. He was making a gobbling noise and was pecking at the seeds and berries down that aisle. It’s the big red sinewy neck that was striking. He was also rubbing cranberry sause on his hands and sort of chewing them. I’m quite worried.”
This is not the first time a Beragh man has taken on the qualities of a bird. In 1994, a man from the area started to look like a pheasant for no apparent reason. He was eventually shot by a hunter and went through a period of re-adjusting.
Tyrone Tribulations 