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Stexit Imminent As Stewartstown Prepares To Leave Europe ASAP

 

Stewartstown 1880-1900

Stewartstown, yesterday

In what is now being labeled as a ‘lone wolf initiative’, Stewartstown have already begun the process of leaving Europe, inspired by the recent Catalonian vote as well as all the talk about Brexit, according to a shop-owner in the town.

 

A series of meetings for ‘Stexit’ have already been scheduled for next week, including what to call the new independent state, currency and passport issues.

Randy Gillis, who has run the only sweet shop in the town since 1922, admitted he’s excited about the venture:

“We have always felt different to everyone else. We’d see the Tullyhogue and Cookstown ones driving through our town and you’d get an urge to fire stones at them because of their strange accent and eyes. Sometimes we have showered them with rocks. It’s a weird feeling. This is exciting news.”

Early frontrunners for the new name includes The Independent Republic of Tintown and Stewstin.

Coagh have reacted to the news by banning all sellers of tickets for Stewartstown GAA or the newly formed Stewartstown Triangle Band, the first triangle band in Europe.

Gillis added:

“Frig them.”

Stexit is being planned for the day after Hallowe’en.

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Tyrone Woman’s Vegetable-Patch ‘Cider Trap’ Catches Husband But No Snails

tomato-slug-25-adj-cropAfter receiving advice on how to deal with the decimation of her tomatoes this summer, a Cookstown woman has stumbled upon the unlikely source of her problem by setting up cider traps at night. 

Convinced that slugs and snails were devouring her legendary vegetables, a local gardening expert advised Mary McNally to trap the shelled gastropods by using small doses of cider inside bottle tops. It was only when she heard a rustling outside one night that she caught the culprit:

“It was the husband all along. He’d put the gardener up to saying to me about the cider so he could go out and get sloshed in the garden whilst I slept. I looked out one night and there he was, off his head drinking the cider from the bottle tops, singing rebel songs, and, to top it all off, eating the snails himself as well as the tomatoes.”

John McNally admitted to the cider/snail/tomato consumption when caught red-handed and has since added SatNav to his phone so that his wife knows where he is at any given time of the night.

NcNally also denies any wrongdoing in the poor carrot crop this year in his garden despite his wife, suspiciously now, again being told by the same expert gardener to leave beer and dirty magazines beside the carrots to ward off bats and badgers.

Parents Stock Up On Day-Time Medicinal Wine As School Holidays Commence

bigSupermarkets and off-licenses across the county have confirmed a sharp spike in wine purchased by parents between the ages of 25 and 50 over the weekend. 

Consumer experts immediately explained the phenomenon as nothing unusual, linking the annual trend at this time of the year to the start of school holidays, adding that vineyards in France and Chile intentionally increase their production rate for women at this time of the year from Tyrone, as well as in Derry, Fermanagh and Armagh. Additionally, a group of stay-at-home-fathers have formed a counselling group in Cookstown to counter the summer trauma.

One woman, who wished to remain anonymous, told us as she exited Tesco in Dungannon with over 30 bottles of savignon blanc:

“It’s completely medicinal. There’s only so many times you can tell them to stick on Frozen before you go a bit mad, like. A glass at 12pm eases the strain somewhat. By 4pm they can draw all over the walls for all I care or even notice.”

Businesses have also started to notice a rise in productivity as parents appear to be prepared to do any amount of over time, even free of charge. Many workers have also decided to forego their own transport and have taken to walking home from work, sometimes not returning until late evening after walking up to 15 miles.

Coalisland businessman Leo Keown added:

“It’s a pure lethal time of the year. Parents of young children are mad for the overtime and I’m paying them buck all. And they’re at the gates at 6am too. Long live the summer holidays.”

Meanwhile, a group of men in Brocagh have been arrested after trying to hack into the local primary school’s website and changing the calendar dates, creating a 31st July ‘Back to School’ deadline. One of the arrested claimed he was delighted to be caught and ‘hopefully jailed for a few weeks’.

Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

 

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Canavan in club football in 1994

Despite being cheered on by the entire county during a magnificent performance against Donegal in the Ulster semi-final, the threat to the county players is now placed at ‘critical’ as they prepare to head back to their clubs for league football before the Ulster final. 

 

As the multi-award winning squad from the 00s can testify, there appears to be a strong correlation between playing well for the county and getting the lining kicked out of you in club games, by the same boys who clapped and roared you on a week earlier.

An All-Star winning forward who wishes to remain anonymous, said from his Cookstown home:

“The feeling of elation when you scored a clinker in Croke Park would soon turn to dread when it dawned on you that some failed corner back from Ardboe is probably going to break you in two at the weekend for scoring it. I remember I nailed one such goal against Dublin, involving dummies, and spotted a boy from Kildress cheering and giving me the thumbs up in the Canal End. Then, in a millisecond, he did the throat-slicing movement and gave me the fingers.”

With Tyrone having so many 5-star performers on Sunday against Donegal, the threat level has been raised from the normal ‘high’ to ‘critical’ with referees made aware of the need to be extra-vigilant over the next few weeks.

A Trillick sharpshooter who didn’t even get on on Sunday told us he’s ‘dunging the togs’ in anticipation of taking on Urney in a week’s time. Urney, who are famed for their particular distaste of Donegal, have promised to tone down the comeuppance for Tyrone heroes playing for Trillick, but refused to make promises.

 

Tensions High In McMahon House As Beard Vows To Play On Despite Joe’s Retirement

_80555939_joemcmahonAs Tyrone GAA great Joe McMahon brought down the curtain on his 13-year county career, his beard delivered an unexpected twist with the news that it has declared to play on for another few years, with or without its owner.

McMahon’s beard, who came to prominence during the successful 2008 campaign, is said to be considering its options and may move onto someone like Mark Bradley or Darren McCurry. In a scathing press release, it confirmed that its relationship with McMahon had been strained for years:

“I’m glad he has called it a day. Sure what’s the point of wintering well only to be put through a slogging session every spring. And anyway, I wouldn’t mind teaming up with someone who knows where the posts are. Me and Mark Bradley would be deadly, like something from Game of Thrones.”

The beard appears to be hurting over the lack of consultation in McMahon’s decision to retire, citing the fact that his brother Justin used to treat his beard to spa weekends and long combing sessions.

“All I get is leftover crisps and the odd bit of drink. I made that man. No one had heard of Joe McMahon til that day we beat the Dubs in the rain in ’08 and he appeared in the papers the next day with me dazzling on his chops. And this is what I get.”

Owen Mulligan’s beard has offered counseling to McMahon’s beard after Mulligan’s beard went off the rails post-retirement and was jailed due to an altercation in a casino in Las Vegas in 2014.

Cookstown Man Arrested Under The Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964)

0d3899ea5cea093fd3085c3c8730b307A Cookstown entrepreneur who was caught in Malaga Airport with a large bag of home-grown potatoes with sunglasses on them in his suitcase is facing up to three years in prison after breaking the Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964) and assaulting a Spanish officer.

The Act, which states that a constable may seize and may detain in custody any potatoes which are being or which are suspected by such an officer or constable of being, sent out of Northern Ireland, hasn’t been used since the great Cappagh Spud Scandal in 1966.

Seamus Sheehey, who admitted to planning to set up a stall on a beach in the south of Spain to sell his 300 potatoes, maintains the heavy-handedness of the Spanish police led him to head-butting one of them and running off, shouting ‘leave my spuds alone yiz bastids’, according to startled onlookers.

“How was I to know about that law? I just remembered how last year I was lying on a beach in Benalmadena and thinking ‘jaysus I’ve love a good spud now’ and the sweat beating off us. I’m sure others felt the same. But there was no need for the Spanish police to start rummaging through my suitcase and throwing my potatoes all over the place, wrecking their sunglasses disguise. It was intimidation.”

Sheehey was already facing community service as well as a ban on being anywhere near a potato field before he headbutted the Spanish officer.

The case brought back memories of the Cappagh Spud Scandal when three Cappagh men were caught at Dun Laoghaire with over 20 tonnes of Tyrone potatoes painted in different colours to resemble large marbles, bound for England.

Cow Dung Art Gallery To Be Built In Ballygawley

Mestic-Haute-Couture-from-Manure_Jalila-Essaidi_dezeen_936_0Following a surge in the popularity of cow-dung art in mid-Ulster, the Department of Arts and Entertainment has given the go-ahead for a state of the art gallery beside the Garvaghey pitches to showcase the best of what Tyrone have to offer in this discipline.

Cow-dung art, also known as An Pictiur Shoite in Irish, dates back to the time of St Patrick when a group of poor women, in an area of what is now known as Cookstown, offered St Patrick some dung-art in appreciation for the great Masses he said when passing through.

In recent weeks, cow-dung art has experienced something of a resurgence in the county after a 62-year-old posted an Instagram picture he created of his wife in a bikini using only the fresh dung of his own cattle.

Gerry McGarrity, who boasts over 500 drawings he created using only local produce and his fingers, said the centre could draw millions of tourists to Tyrone in the same way as the Louvre in Paris:

“There’s a big market for cow-dung art across the globe. It is a form of 3D art as you can smell the pictures as well as look at them. In my opinion it’s £4.5m of tax-payers money well spent. Think of the chip van or potato stall potential outside the building too, bringing more money to the local community.”

Early brochures suggest that the picture of McGarrity’s wife in the bikini will be the ‘Mona Lisa’ flagship display for the cow-dung arts centre and will be called ‘McGarrity’s Wife In A Bikini’.

Catholic Dogs Getting DLA In Coalisland

 

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Republican dog on mobility scooter in Coalisland

 

By East Tyrone reporter, Cullen Powder

Another huge political scandal is due to break out in East Tyrone concerning dogs belonging to Catholic owners receiving DLA.

In many cases the dogs are using mobility scooters and many can be seen in the predominately Republican town of Coalisland.  A Protestant man with two clubbed feet complained to his local MLA Sandra Overtheedge that he has been applying for DLA for years and has been repeatedly refused the payment.

The Newmills man, who does not wish to be named, stated

 “Them Fenians in the ‘Island get everthing  goin. Now that the feckin dogs are getting DLA, it is the last straw “

A local Protestant dog breeder has also complained bitterly. Pam Shiver, who has three ex-Cruft champion dogs nearing retirement age, said they can barely bark never mind walk

“Them wee critters could be doin with a bit of help in their senior years. Some of them Fenian dogs are two to three years old and don’t need mobility payments.”

The reporter from Tyrone Tribulations, who saw the three Crufts dogs in a shed lying near three huge boilers, maintains it was boiling hot in the shed, almost unbearably so:

“It was roastin hot like,” he said, “either they couldn’t walk or didn’t want to leave the hate”.

The local Sinn Fein MLA couldn’t be contacted at the time. Their Coalisland office worker said she was on the rip since the election, maybe in Donegal, and added:

“Ah sure she’ll turn up at some stage.”

We contacted another Sinn Finn MLA from west of the county who stated bluntly:

“Sure we now live in a culture of entitlement and equality and dogs are as entitled to DLA as much as humans”

When pressed on the point about the religious make up of the successful applicants, he stated:

“Times have changed. Sure them Protestant farmers took millions for farm animals in subsidies; sure what’s the problem with a few dogs from the ‘Island getting DLA”

A spokesperson from the Dept of Communities added

“We  will get that sorted after the next election in May or, if not, the one in September.”

A few final words on the scandal came from Cookstown:

“Sure all the dogs wear tricolor ribbons tied firmly to their chests and it wouldn’t be surprising if there is another ‘Rising’,”

said the man from the Mid Ulster Mail

Cookstown Family Under Pressure To Eat Everything In House Before School Starts

maxresdefaultNeighbours and friends of the Sheehan family in Cookstown have rallied around them in support of their target to eat everything in the house before Monday 9th.

Malachy Sheehan (47), who reportedly took a head stagger at the weekend and demanded that from the start of school onwards there’ll be a family health-kick in the house, has already consumed NINE packets of Pringles, three selection boxes and over 5kg of pistachio nuts in two days. His wife managed to polish off a 12-pack of McCoys as well as FOURTEEN bottles of Shloer during a 12-hour period today.

Speaking from the bins at the side of his house, Mr Sheehan explained his decision:

“We’re slowly turning into small hippopotamuses. If we spread this food out over the next month we’ll never get back on track so I’ve set a target for all Christmas food to be eaten by next Monday. January is miserable anyway so why not make it even more miserable; you won’t notice.”

Sheehan’s eldest son, Malachy (14), has attempted a level of creativity inspired by his love of cookery problems by mixing up his cereal with full Milky Way bars and adding a side order of shortbread and cream crackers to the family dinner plates.

An anonymous neighbour, however, has lambasted the Sheehans for not donating the food to people in places like Kildress and Tullyhogue.

“They’re a miserable shower. Instead of throwing a few scraps to the poor people of Kildress they’re attempting to devour their unwanted food out of sheer wretchedness.  I hope they get the runs.”

Tomorrow the Sheehans will be aiming to make a hole in over 15lbs of fudge.

Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year

 

derrygaa

CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY

Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.

 

The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on  Harte’s men.

A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:

“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”

The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.

Our Tyrone source explained:

“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”

Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.

Donaghmore’s New Show ‘Whishtworld’ Accidentally Sparks Worldwide Mannequin Challenge Viral Video Craze

whishtworldBy Plunkett McJunket

Creative talent in the village of Donaghmore is never far away. The production team based in the legendary Bardic Theatre have created an exciting new TV show about a virtual reality tourist destination set across an ‘olde tyme’ Mid Ulster landscape filled with cowboys, battery hens and Limousin heifers. The target market is the well-off affluent residents of Donaghmore.

If you’re wondering what all the Mannequin Challenges have come from that have swept the globe, it has been all down to director Manny Quinn:

“After a rehearsal up in the theatre in the middle of printing up all the scripts for the cast to practice over the Christmas break I heard a wile racket. I soon realised they were still there bopping about to remixes of Malachi Cush hits so I had to challenge this kind of behaviour- I just lost my cool and shouted at them to howl their whisht. My artistic temperament gets the better of me I suppose.”

We spoke to one of the stars of the show, Gemma O’Neill, who shared that the noise of the gulder from their director scared them stiff and they froze on the spot. A brave cameraman caught the tail end of the incident on video. The video has gone on to huge viral success with many people paying tribute by filming themselves being still and holding their whisht.

Awareness of the new show has since gained huge momentum and anticipation for the pilot episode early next year. Early trailers released exclusively to Tyrone Tribulations show exciting storylines about chasing poitín peddling bandits across the Pomeroy hills as well as the challenge of parking a stagecoach during a busy Cookstown main street on a Saturday morning market.

The Original

DUP Member Admits He Thought Smoking Was Good For You Til Yesterday

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Flat earth?

Following the news that a Northern Ireland DUP politician admitted he did not know heterosexual people could contract HIV until a charity explained the facts to him, more DUP members have come forward with similar startling revelations.

Freddy Jenkins, a 56-year-old MLA from Cookstown, was first to call a conference this morning in which he revealed a rash of previously-held misconceptions only recently rectified:

Trevor Clarke has opened the floodgates. He’s a brave, brave man. I only learned last night that the earth isn’t actually flat. To be fair I was always suspicious of that anyway as I can see the Sperrins from here. The maddest one is that smoking isn’t that great for you. I thought it cured everything. If one of my children was unwell, I’d have given him a bottle of Lucozade and a 10-pack of Benson’s.

Marge Lynah, a DUP councillor in Strabane, was equally astounded after she cleared up a few of her long-held concrete views by asking around the town yesterday:

So you CAN get pregnant standing up. That’s news to me. And leeches don’t cure everything, they’re now saying! What a relief that is. I was finding them hard to get anyway to cure my asthma.

Despite the above, over 88% of DUP still believe the universe was formed ‘some time between 600 and 3000 years ago’ and that dinosaur bones etc are just planted here and there by atheists messing about.

 

New Zealand Man Kicks Down Cookstown Sausages Stand In Auckland After Rugby Result

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Sausages before the attack

A New Zealand rugby fan has been arrested in Auckland after he set upon a stall in his local supermarket selling Cookstown products such as long-lasting sizzling sausages and bubbling bacon. 

Brett Smith, a retired front-row player for the Mount Albert Rovers, admitted to deliberately destroying the display in his local Sparra Sparra in a fit of bad temper after his beloved Kiwis were beaten by Ireland in Chicago at the weekend.

Speaking to a local radio station, supermarket owner Joe Mangel revealed how the usually mild-mannered Smith lost the run of himself when the result was announced over the PA system:

“We have a lot of Irish in Auckland and I thought it would be a bit of fun to congratulate them in public. I didn’t envisage the rage it would cause in some of our loyal customers. Smith just lost it and started running around trying to find Irish-made products to obliterate.”

CCTV footage caught Smith making a beeline for the sausage stand and kicking the whole display about the shop, stomping on the meat and yelling ‘take that, you leprechauns’.

“I’m just glad he didn’t see the Kerrymaid butter section. That would have been carnage. He even spear-tackled a life-sized Cillian Murphy cut-out ad which was promoting Guinness.”

Cookstown were unavailable for comment but meat experts were surprised to hear they sold Cookstown Sausages in New Zealand and suggested that it might possibly be some other place called Cookstown nearer the southern hemisphere.

Arlene Foster Not On Fire; Probably Just Hot Flushes – Says Cookstown Junior Doctor

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Foster – not on fire

A qualified medical practitioner who has almost finished his postgraduate training has confirmed that, having analysed footage of the DUP’s conference in slow motion, Arlene Foster is probably just experiencing hot flushes and was definitely not on fire.

The initial claim of a combustible Foster was made towards the end of the conference when up to 20 DUP members became vocally adamant that their leader was in fact aflame in front of their eyes and chanted something to the same effect at the emergency services or anyone with water within the conference building.

Dr Robert Sheehy  (26) maintains it was a rushed call by the party members:

“I have studied the footage in great detail and can medically confirm that Foster was not actually on fire but was perhaps suffering from what in lay terms is known as hot flushes – a sudden feeling of feverish heat – a common experience for women and some men between the ages of 40 and 55. I read this in a book just last week.”

Dr Sheehy, although not claiming to be an expert in this field, has advised Foster to wear a magnet in her knickers as a method to deal with the sudden feeling of warmth, a method Belinda Carlisle swears by.

“I would also call on the male members of her party to be a bit more sensitive to what’s going on and the young women up there larking about on that stage should have a tad more sense and read a bit about it the way I have done.”

Meanwhile, the DUP still oppose same-sex marriage.

Mid Ulster ‘Giant Gene’ Confirms Finn McCool Tackled Cookstown Woman

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McCool, acting the lig

Following the news that mid-Ulster has been identified as a “giant hotspot” by scientists studying a gene defect which causes people to grow abnormally tall, a local long-standing old wives’ tale that Finn McCool spent a drunken night with a woman from Cookstown may actually be 100% true.

 

The gene can result in too much growth hormone, which is produced and released by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland just below the brain. It is believed that half the county have the gene though in most cases it’s rarely activated, going by the size of the Tyrone GAA team over the years.

Cookstown shopkeeper Benjamin Sheehy admitted that the development was not news to him:

“This part of the country is full of long, lanky bolloxes. See that man over there browsing around the magazine section, you should see the legs on his wife. Apparently they go the who way up.”

The Finn McCool tale was often passed off as a piece of local fiction but the news from the London School of Medicine Queen Mary appears to verify the story that he had a bit of luck with a local woman a few thousand years ago. Sheehy added:

“I’m not surprised, going by the calibre of men our women tackle outside the Greenvale on Saturday night . Anything goes it seems. McCool knew what he was at when he stopped off here. We’ve a bit of a reputation. Anyway, that’s why the Tall Ships never come here. They’re just normal ships to a lot of us.”

The Tyrone County Board have contacted as many carriers of the gene who are single at present in order to match them up so they may produce a couple of towering midfielders for 2034.

Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics

Typical O'Neill from Coalisland

Typical O’Neill from Coalisland

The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.

The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.

The following list summarises the main changes:

O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.

O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.

O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.

O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.

Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.

Cattle Jealousy On The Rise In Tyrone

the-cow-1Local politicians and religious leaders have called for cool heads after a spike in cattle jealously has resulted in sporadic fights across the county in recent weeks.

Cows and bulls have become the new currency for young people to show off to their peers, replacing low-suspension twin cams or DM boots as a badge of potential popularity.

One such fight broke out in a field outside Pomeroy last week after a group of young men from Galbally repeatedly shouted “shit cows” at teenager walking around his land with four Charolais cows and a Saler bull. A brawl soon ensued with members of the young farmer’s family involved.

Independent councillor James Conlon admitted the levels of cattle envy is reaching epidemic proportions:

“You can’t walk the streets of Cookstown these days without tramping on cow-clap. Young men and women are using cattle as a fashion accessory. I’ve seen Friesians with pink cardigans or on skateboards. It’s out of control. Things spill over and the fights are unavoidable.”

Another major incident occurred outside Tattyreagh when two local women had to be separated after their respective cows were spotted sporting the same leg warmers as they made their way to Mass at the weekend. The accessories, bought in a cattle fashion shop recently opened in Omagh, were sold as a one-off limited edition to both buyers.

Eyewitness Gareth McCabe explained:

“It was probably one of the worst fights I’ve witnessed. Even the cattle were spooked and started going mad and leaping into the traffic and old women were screaming and yahooing. To be fair the Omagh shop shouldn’t have pulled a fast one like that. Limited edition means only one made. We all know that.”

PSNI officials have urged cattle-owners that cow rage will receive stiff penalties from September the 1st.

Relief As Cookstown Man Wins Gold In Trellis Fencing 6 x 1ft

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Winning Performance

The Irish Olympic Team will return with at least one gold after Paddy Mulligan stormed clear in the Trellis Fencing discipline, knocking up a 4-sided one-acre garden fence in under two hours, a world record, using 6 x 1ft trellis panels.

Mulligan, whose grandfather won a silver medal in 1932 in the Literary section for a poem about the length of the Main Street, was said to be ecstatic with the medal but warned locals it will probably cause an increase in his fees:

“Fencing has always been in my family but I never knew I’d become a gold medal winning Olympian out of it. I knew after the first round that I’d a good chance as the rest were a bunch of cowboys, especially the Russians. I’ll be re-assessing charges.”

Mulligan’s win has been greeted quietly in Cookstown with many worrying about money they still owe to the gold medallist. Shopkeeper Brendy Sheehy warned:

“He’s a gangster at the best of times; this’ll create some queue at the Credit Union. Great performance in Rio and all that but it couldn’t happen to a more miserly bollocks. He’ll be hard to stick.”

There’ll be a home-coming for Mulligan in the Glenavon carpark on Sunday.

 

 

Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016

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Eglish Lough, 2016

Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.

 

OMAGH

“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)

COOKSTOWN

“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)

MOY

“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)

STRABANE

“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)

ARDBOE

“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)

Cookstown Woman Arrested For Driving Around McGinn’s Drapery Store On Mobility Scooter, Drinking Prosecco And Eating Quality Street

mobilityA Cookstown hairdresser has pleaded ‘guilty but full of the Christmas spirit’ after she was caught raking around the maternity collection in the fashion-conscious womenswear chain McGinn Drapers, knocking down clothes and spilling Tesco-branded prosecco over a newly-laid carpet.

Aine Fenton, 59, had procured the mobility scooter from the NHS after she tore a cruciate ligament before Christmas during a yoga session at the local leisure centre.

Mrs Fenton’s solicitor was quick to pinpoint his client’s festive high spirits, maintaining she had received over 14 bottles of wine and several boxes of sweets from genuine well-wishers over the Christmas period.

“Are we going to kill Christmas altogether? Although my client understands she was driving the scooter around the store in what could be called a reckless manner and probably shouldn’t have drank a bottle of prosecco during the ordeal, poorly concealing it in her coat, but she was full of festive spirit and even left a trail of Quality Streets around the ground floor.”

Fellow shopper Mary Carey maintains there was much more to Mrs Fenton’s recklessness:

“That woman’s a lunatic. She was shouting at people ‘sure you’ll not fit into that’ and firing hard sweets over the curtain in the changing rooms. Then she started singing ‘Come Out Ye Black and Tans’ which a lot of us of a certain persuasion found rather intimidating. We all enjoy ourselves at Christmas but that doesn’t mean we all go to McGinn’s Drapers and terrorise people on a scooter, full.”

Mrs Fenton was finally arrested after driving into roadworks outside the shop.

Fenton’s case will be heard tomorrow.

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