The family of a Derrytresk joiner have reassured friends and family that reports of a breakdown are wide of the mark, after the news that One Direction’s Zayn Malik is leaving the band with immediate effect caused confusion between various organisations.
Patsy Fitzgerald (49), who had no previous knowledge of the band, experienced a breakdown just as Stephen Nolan announced the news on Radio Ulster yesterday morning. Fitzgerald phoned his wife in obvious distress, informing her that he didn’t think he could go on any further. Debbie Fitzgerald (48), a One Direction fan who was at the time trying to let the surprising news of her favourite singer’s decision sink in, panicked and immediately phoned the Samaritans who arrived with Fitzgerald within 20 mins on the Annaghmore Road.
“I’d been ignoring the oil light, break light, water light and heating light on the Datsun for months but it finally all packed in this morning. Conked out. I phoned herself to get someone to tow me in but before I knew it a man and a woman arrived and put their arms around me and told me it’d be ok…that these things take time to heal. I just wanted the motor towed to be honest.”
The Samaritans persisted for two and a half hours, trying different tactics to reassure Fitzgerald that he’d get over this eventually and to think of the good things he had in his life.
“I found myself blurting and crying, thinking about the money I’d have to pump into the motor now to fix it. Thank God these Samaritans were about or I’d probably have headed to the club and gambled my sorrows away.”
The confusion worsened after the AA arrived to help Fitzgerald with the 1988 Datsun with the Samaritans angry that he hadn’t told them he was an alcoholic.
The vote on Scottish independence on the 18th September will have massive ramifications on Stewartstown’s future, according to local tradesman Johnny Logan.
The Stewartstown Question, as it is locally known, may finally be resolved if the Scottish people vote yes and successfully make the jump towards a stand-alone nation. Logan, who claims his family can be traced back in Stewartstown to 3000BC, reckons the time is right for his small town to rise above the tyranny of the Irish nation and take its place amongst the superpowers on the planet.
“It’s an itch that just won’t go away”
cryptically revealed Logan, before speeding off in his Datsun to ‘fix a woman’s pipes’ in Tullyhogue. A hour later, a flustered Logan expanded on his theory:
“We’ve always felt we were different from everyone else, even from the Cookstownonians and the Tullyhoggish. We like corned beef. They ate sushi. We like Dallas. They like Eastenders. We still play Kajagoogoo. They’re into The Killers. It’s just a different culture here.”
Foaming at the mouth, Logan began to recite questionable biblical references to The Stewartstown Question:
“In the Book of Red Pat, it says ‘And Ye Will Rise Up And There Will Be Great Joy And Jubilation. And He Will Reveal Himself As President Of The Town Of Tins. And His Name Will Be Logan‘. Well, you can’t get any clearer than that. We’re forming a new country here, make no mistake. It will be nicknamed The Aluminium Curtain.”
Logan confirmed that if passed, The Independent Republic of Stewartstown will have its own currency called the Reddy and national anthem which may be The Heat Is On by Glenn Frey. They will continue to speak English and a bit of Irish.
A much-respected Coalisland psychic has been rubbished after she predicted live on Radio Ulster that a red-haired man driving a 1991 white Datsun Sunny will receive a parking ticket in the town some time in February 2015.
Madame McAliskey (66), who accurately predicted in 1978 that snooker player Dennis Taylor would win something at some time, somewhere in the world, after 1979, made the startling claim after it was revealed that not one parking ticket had been issued in the town since the first cars arrived in 1921.
Shop owner Frank McCabe described the scene in the town after Madame McAliskey’s wild proclamation on air:
“Well, three fellas outside the undertakers laughed so hard they were taken to Craigavon Hospital with mild respiratory failure. Another girl, one of the Gervins, ended up giving birth on the spot from the giggling, two months early. To be honest I thought she was pulling Wendy Austin’s leg but it seems not. That’s her finished anyway. She was living off that Taylor prediction too long I thought, so she was.”
Local resident and avid scooter-spotter Bosco Kelly added:
“I remember my oul fella saying years ago that a travelling Yankee preacher away back in the 40s was so taken by the local women that, as a parting gift, he cursed all traffic wardens who would ever set foot in the town for 100 years. Going by that reckoning, Madame McAliskey is 30 years too soon. She’s some clift thon. Imagine believing that woman from now on.”
Meanwhile, the Coalisland Traffic Committee have confirmed that the yellow lines in the town are not yellow at all but ‘mustard’ on some roads and ‘vanilla’ on others, making it illegal anyway to dish out parking fines. They blame acid rain or “maybe lignite or something”.
It emerged yesterday that a former beauty queen from mid-Ulster had left home in shame after a weekend blunder of titanic proportions. It may have been a 1996 Datsun Sunny but it was tested to its limits on Sunday by the former Miss Greencastle, Susie McGurk. Having driven an automatic Peugeot since getting the test in 1990 which failed to start the morning of the hurling semi-final in Dublin, McGurk borrowed her father’s Datsun in order to make the game on time.
‘I just thought she was a noisy yoke but the payple waving at me did make me think something was up. So I just turned Sunday Sequence up further on the wireless and waved back. I also thought it strange that while I had her shoe to the burd, mopeds were passing me.’
It was only on getting out of the vehicle at Newry to be greeted with a steamy cascade causing excessive engine wear, excessive oil loss leading to engine failure, excessive fuel consumption, overheating and subsequent engine damage that she realised it wasn’t an automatic. Mr McGurk refused an interview but was overheard shouting ‘stupid fuckin bitch’ and’ won’t darken my door again’ at confessions that night.