The vote on Scottish independence on the 18th September will have massive ramifications on Stewartstown’s future, according to local tradesman Johnny Logan.
The Stewartstown Question, as it is locally known, may finally be resolved if the Scottish people vote yes and successfully make the jump towards a stand-alone nation. Logan, who claims his family can be traced back in Stewartstown to 3000BC, reckons the time is right for his small town to rise above the tyranny of the Irish nation and take its place amongst the superpowers on the planet.
“It’s an itch that just won’t go away”
cryptically revealed Logan, before speeding off in his Datsun to ‘fix a woman’s pipes’ in Tullyhogue. A hour later, a flustered Logan expanded on his theory:
“We’ve always felt we were different from everyone else, even from the Cookstownonians and the Tullyhoggish. We like corned beef. They ate sushi. We like Dallas. They like Eastenders. We still play Kajagoogoo. They’re into The Killers. It’s just a different culture here.”
Foaming at the mouth, Logan began to recite questionable biblical references to The Stewartstown Question:
“In the Book of Red Pat, it says ‘And Ye Will Rise Up And There Will Be Great Joy And Jubilation. And He Will Reveal Himself As President Of The Town Of Tins. And His Name Will Be Logan‘. Well, you can’t get any clearer than that. We’re forming a new country here, make no mistake. It will be nicknamed The Aluminium Curtain.”
Logan confirmed that if passed, The Independent Republic of Stewartstown will have its own currency called the Reddy and national anthem which may be The Heat Is On by Glenn Frey. They will continue to speak English and a bit of Irish.