The vote on Scottish independence on the 18th September will have massive ramifications on Stewartstown’s future, according to local tradesman Johnny Logan.
The Stewartstown Question, as it is locally known, may finally be resolved if the Scottish people vote yes and successfully make the jump towards a stand-alone nation. Logan, who claims his family can be traced back in Stewartstown to 3000BC, reckons the time is right for his small town to rise above the tyranny of the Irish nation and take its place amongst the superpowers on the planet.
“It’s an itch that just won’t go away”
cryptically revealed Logan, before speeding off in his Datsun to ‘fix a woman’s pipes’ in Tullyhogue. A hour later, a flustered Logan expanded on his theory:
“We’ve always felt we were different from everyone else, even from the Cookstownonians and the Tullyhoggish. We like corned beef. They ate sushi. We like Dallas. They like Eastenders. We still play Kajagoogoo. They’re into The Killers. It’s just a different culture here.”
Foaming at the mouth, Logan began to recite questionable biblical references to The Stewartstown Question:
“In the Book of Red Pat, it says ‘And Ye Will Rise Up And There Will Be Great Joy And Jubilation. And He Will Reveal Himself As President Of The Town Of Tins. And His Name Will Be Logan‘. Well, you can’t get any clearer than that. We’re forming a new country here, make no mistake. It will be nicknamed The Aluminium Curtain.”
Logan confirmed that if passed, The Independent Republic of Stewartstown will have its own currency called the Reddy and national anthem which may be The Heat Is On by Glenn Frey. They will continue to speak English and a bit of Irish.
A misunderstanding in Coagh yesterday saw hundreds of people leaping into the Ballinderry River believing that gold has been found, when in fact a local man had re-discovered a lost piece of music.
Damien Hetherington, a 46-year old candle extinguisher from Coagh, explained,
“Sure, I’ve been looking for my copy of ‘Gold’ by Spandau Ballet for years. It’s been missing since my big ‘Top Trumps’ clear-out of 1993, but I found it yesterday. Unbelievable. It was hiding underneath my Kajagoogoo collection. I happened to mention to the lads in Donnelly’s Bar that after years of searching I had found ‘Gold’. That’s why I was a bit excited, see? Some chanter thon big Tony Hadley. And the two brothers in it were great as well, until they went to London and turned into gangsters. Ronnie and Reggie. Such a shame”.
“Excited?” said local man Shaun Donaghy, who was in the bar at time. “That’s a feckin’ understatement. He burst through the door of the pub yelling, I’ve found gold! I’ve found gold!” and shouting about how he was going to throw a big party with wile music. Jaysus, he could hardly speak. It was like he was about to soil himself. Before you knew it there was a hundred running down the street and jumping into the Ballinderry River like eejits. There was grown men fighting each other. I’ve not seen anything like it since that time Costcutters started selling king-sized Mars Bars”.
The rumour quickly spread like wildfire, assisted by the knowledge that Tyrone already has gold beneath its hills, with more than one gold mine already in production in the local area. A variety of implements were used to pan for the non-existent gold, including hub caps, colanders, satellite dishes, vases, frying pans, dustbin lids, and in one instance a car door.
The fictitious gold rush also had a strange effect on some, including 74-year old Seamie Faloon, a farmer from Aughabrack, who appeared to have miraculously re-located to somewhere near the Mississippi River in the 1920s.
“Dang”, he said. “There’s gold in them thar hills. I can smell it. But them critters ain’t gonna get no little bitty nuggets cos they ain’t got the Faloon smarts. No sirree. Ah’m gonna get me a l’il piece of purty gold, sure as eggs is eggs. Mighty craic. Y’all”, before sitting down to an enormous plate of grits and beans.
As of this morning, the pan-handling had yielded six tadpoles, a dead pollen fish, and and an old roller-skate.