Category Archives: Greencastle
GAA Furiously Add More Conditions To New Cup-Lifting Rule.
Angered by the negative feedback across a number of sources, GAA officials have decided to go for the jugular by adding even more rules to their new directive that now prevents joint captains from accepting a cup in an official presentation.
A circular emailed to all county boards this morning indicated that only the best looking player may collect the cup in order to ‘tidy up presentations even more’. A second condition included the directive that the cup may only be lifted at a 75 degree angle and that no winking or pointing is allowed either.
Explaining the decision, Rules Rector Gerry Murphy added:
“We’re now on the Sky television. We can’t have captains with teeth missing pointing at team mates and shouting things like ‘go on ye hoor ye’ into a microphone. You wouldn’t get that at the end of the snooker championship or at Wimbledon. And I’ll hear no more about it.”
Murphy also confirmed that Sean Teague’s trophy lift would definitely not be allowed today and that he’s looking at revoking that title win for Tyrone. He is looking for volunteers to go and tell Teague.
Devious Plans To Expand Derry Into Tyrone Uncovered By Irish News Readers
As hundreds of Derrylaughan residents woke to the fact that they’re now Derry people, Irish News readers have contacted authorities in their droves to provide evidence that the media are in cohoots with Derry.
A blueprint for the Derry invasion of Tyrone was uncovered in a graveyard in Lissan, with Cookstown next to be annexed before Easter. However, The Irish News have been accused of simply relocating Tyrone townlands into Derry through their articles, unashamedly.
Derrylaughan stalwart Packie Kennedy admitted it was hard waking up a Derry man this morning:
“It was a bit of a shock to read in the paper yesterday that we are now in Derry. Though, to be honest, I found myself half fancying my cousins at Mass this morning so it must be true. Up the Oak Leaf.”
Cookstown have already brought in reinforcements with several Kildress and Greencastle men manning the main road up to Magherafelt. Rumours tonight suggest that Ardboe and Moortown have already fallen and it’s only a matter of time until Coalisland is under attack. Coalisland officials have postponed the rolling out of their one-way system until this is sorted.
Meanwhile, a Aghyaran woman walked three miles yesterday to the shops and her plastic bag split coming home, losing a pint of milk and three Freddos.
‘E.T. – The Return’ Will Not Be Filmed In Greencastle Due To Poor Mobile Phone Coverage
A multi-million pound remake of the 1982 hit ‘E.T. The Extra Terrestrial’ will not now be filmed at the foot of the Sperrins due to poor mobile phone coverage.
Steven Spielberg, who has always been a big fan of Greencastle GAA club and once considered making a film about their All Ireland win years ago, is said to be devastated at the decision but admitted E.T. phoning home was crucial to the plot again this time.
Script writer Marie McBurn revealed the difficulties around the poor signal couldn’t be overcome:
“It was just stupid. We tried a few scenes and you’d have E.T. shouting ‘can you hear me now?’ down the phone and moving all over the place to get a signal. It totally ruined the believably of it all.”
The news comes as a big blow to the Greencastle area. Early estimates reckoned the windfall from tourism could have topped over £100m which they had planned to spent on an enormous Christmas tree with massive balls and long lines of tinsel.
In other news, a boy walked the whole half a mile to school last week in Killyman. He became the first child to walk to school since 1998.
Greencastle Man Spots Major Flaw In Dr Who TV Series
A county Tyrone television watcher has thrown the TV series Dr Who into disarray after he worked out that the outer dimensions of the TARDIS in no way matches up to its inner measurements.
Diarmuid Dieselin, who claims to have worked on the finer detail of this explosive revelation for more that five years, has already written to the BBC asking for an apology for 55 years of hoodwinking the audience.
“It’s a disgrace. The box is about nine feet tall, maybe three and a half feet wide and deep. Yet inside the TARDIS there are many rooms and chambers as well as a massive console room. Do they think we are idiots?”
Although the BBC have yet to comment on the news, sources close to the broadcaster have hinted that they might stall the current series to rebuild the TARDIS so that it looks more like a hotel or change the plots completely and just have one small table and two plastic chairs inside it.
Mr Dieselin is currently assessing the supposed speed of the TARDIS which currently traverses the time vortex and can rematerialise in any destination or time. Early indications suggest he’s not pleased with his findings.
Tyrone U10 Game Abandoned After Mass Brawl
A grade three Under 10 friendly game between Naomh Apollo (Drumragh/Killyclogher) and Naomh Creed (Greencastle/Gortin) was abandoned yesterday after over 25 primary school children got involved in headlocks, fly-kicks and uppercuts five minutes after the throw-in.
The referee, James Cullen from Rousky, was taken to A&E in Enniskillen after he passed out due to a rear naked choke by the 9-year-old full forward on the Creed team.
Despite the unprecedented scenes of underage violence, the Tyrone County Board have blamed mobile phones for recording the scenes in the first place:
“It’s a fact that if there were no phones then the brawls wouldn’t happen. I’d never seen videos of violence on a GAA field on a mobile phone before mobiles were invented. So it’s obviously the fault of the phone owners and their proneness to recording stuff.”
Several of the U10s on both sides were questioned by youth leaders after the game, with the majority unaware that mass brawls weren’t a compulsory part of the sport.
14 players from Naomh Apollo also jumped the fence and started kicking their own friends and cousins, with one father set upon by his 8-year-old son. Mr Towell maintains that his son will definitely make it onto the club senior panel within eight years after this show of savagery at such a young age, and maybe even make county.
Tyrone To Introduce Red Hand Glider Service To Rival Belfast’s New Transport Initiative
Monday 10th September promises to be a momentous day in the history of Tyrone public transport when they launch their new Glider Service to rival the similarly named bus travel system currently changing the face of Belfast this week.
Red Hand Gliders, which will operate in mountainous areas seven days a week and only on windy days elsewhere, performed a dozen dry runs today with seven operators returning alive and well. The five yet to show up are presumed missing after strong gusts blew the lightweight gliders over the Sperrins into Derry territory.
With the Red Hand symbol on their vehicles in the hostile Oak Leaf county, chances of survival are minimal.
Operations manager Paul Quinn reckons up to three thin passengers can fit on the glider at any one time:
“On a very windy day, we calculate that a 3-berth glider could carry as far as 35 miles from a high start, say from Greencastle to Dungannon comfortably. A heavier man from a low altitude start could travel about 5 miles, or from Coalisland to Stewartstown in 50 mins. He might have to restart four or five times.”
Despite the probably tragic teething problems today, operators are expecting a 80% success rate from the service when officially activated on Monday.
DUP Man Suspended After Mobile Footage Shows Him Tapping His Foot To Ireland’s Eurovision Entry, On A Sunday
A junior DUP party member from Cookstown, who hasn’t been at his desk for over a week, has finally revealed that he has been disciplined after mobile phone footage showed him tapping his foot and smirking to Ireland’s Eurovision song which celebrated same-sex relationships, on a Sunday.
Wilbert McFettridge (22) claims he hasn’t been told which aspect of his party’s principles he had violated but has vowed to be a better DUP man in the future:
“I haven’t been informed yet if it was the fact that I was toe-tapping to an Irish entry, or that the song was about a love story between two men or finally if it was the fact that I did all this on a Sunday that I have been suspended for. I didn’t know I was smirking but I was probably thinking of a good joke or something.”
McFetridge wanted to confirm to his supporters and voters that he has spent the last week listening to the Moygashel Loyalist Flute Band Greatest Hits CD non-stop in his car even since his lapse and will be more aware of his musical preferences in future:
“To be honest I wasn’t aware of anyone filming me. I just happened to be listening to it whilst waiting in traffic to get into the Cookstown Fr Rock’s game against Greencastle. Damn it, I mean Sunday Service,”
The DUP now are currently monitoring CCTV footage of cars arriving at the Cookstown GAA ground that Sunday. If spotted, McFetridge could be up on all four accounts of breaching party ethos.
Greencastle Man Vows To Try Pancake-Making Again Next Year After Kitchen Wrecked For Third Year Running
An adventurous Greencastle entrepreneur claims he will not be deterred from giving his family a pancake breakfast on Shrove Tuesday next year after he ravaged his kitchen for the third year running.
Describing his pancakes as ‘a bit crispy to be fair’, Diarmuid O’Devlin maintains he is not far off from producing the finished product despite causing over £20’000 worth of damage to their state-of-the-art kitchen area:
“It’s just a matter of timing. Last year I put too many eggs into the pan and that seemed to start a bit of a fire which was eventually extinguished somewhere near the Gortin Glens. This year I got slightly distracted by a rerun of a good Knight Rider episode and the pancakes were a bit burnt, as well as the front part of the house.”
Luckily, the NI Fire Brigade West Tyrone Division hired over 40 part-time fire fighters for today due to the expected rise in previously kitchen-shy men striving to impress family members with their pancake-making skills, especially the day before Valentine’s Day this year.
Meanwhile a family in Omagh spent most of the morning eating their breakfast from the tops of ladders after all six pancakes made by local footballer Joey McMahon ended up stuck on the roof during an attempt to impress with his pancake-flipping skills. Mrs McMahon was later admitted to hospital with neck strain.
County On High Alert As Four Pomeroy Men Named In Starting 15, Fulfilling Revelations 13:11 Prophecy
Religious leaders have appealed for calm after it emerged that four Pomeroy players have been named in the Tyrone senior starting team to play Antrim in the McKenna Cup in Armagh tonight.
Although manager Mickey Harte has been known to make last minute changes, he is coming under acute pressure to bench at least one of them by doomsday merchants within the county.
Panic was widespread last night when Pastor Evan McGenical from Greencastle announced that in the Book of Relevations there is a reference to the ‘four horned men from the mountain that’s just a hill’ and how they would ‘come forth and massacre the men from the city’, a prelude to the Second Coming himself.
Pastor Genical added:
“I know Mickey isn’t one for the Revelations but he surely sees the warning signs. I know nothing about GAA and gaelic football but even I think it’s unusual to have even one Pomeroy man on the squad, never mind four of them starting. This could be the end for Tyrone in general.”
Sources have confirmed that Armagh ground staff are considering heightening the Red Hand fear by playing the music to The Omen when Tyrone make their way onto the field tonight.
Hole-Punching On The Rise In Mid Ulster
PSNI officials have confirmed that over 30 people have been arrested in the greater Kildress/Greencastle because of the recent hole-punching craze. Hole-punching, which sees a victim being punched on the backside by a passer-by or lingerer, has been on the rise in recent weeks in the area with many crimes going unsolved due to the stealth-like nature of the antagonists.
Although the majority of crimes have been committed in the open air, usually in busy shopping streets, there has been a marked rise in incidents during Communion at Mass or in the queue at the Jobcentre Plus offices.
The most recent arrest occurred at the Kildress Chip Shop when a 55-year-old man became a victim whilst ordering a cowboy supper with a tin of Lilt. Paddy McGurk explained:
Yes, there I was queuing up for a feed and all of a sudden Mrs Burns came up behind me and gave me an unmerciful punch on the backside. It was quite a shock and I didn’t expect it from a woman of 49. This hole-punching has to stop. It’s as bad as the yo-yo.”
The art of hole-punching can be traced back to the mid-1500s when old Gaelic Lords and their armies used the same tactic to great success against the English due to a lack of weaponry.
A BBC documentary on hole-punching was abandoned last week after their production team had ‘the holes punched clean off them‘ after an ambush by the Kildress Cabal.
Greencastle Residents Offered Gold Teeth By 2018. Rejected.
In a desperate bid to placate the anti-mining supporters in the Greencastle area, an offer of gold teeth for every resident has been proposed by a joint Stormont/Dentistry Association organisation. The offer, however, has been rejected by a majority decision after three nights of deliberation and forceful arguments which also saw a minor brawl on the Crockanboy Road involving bits of wood, turf, three dogs and a pellet gun.
The use of cyanide has been a contentious issue in the gold-mining proposals at the foot of the Sperrins, with many believing that the long-term effects are unproven and potentially unsafe. Local traveller, Kieran Donnelly, travelled to Finland to speak to residents of a village which experienced gold-mining recently:
“There was a definite side-effect. I couldn’t understand what any of them were saying and not one of them was for Clones in May. But their gold teeth was something to behold. I’d be rightly tempted by that – heading to a disco and the Kildress ones being jealous of our teeth. But, I suppose gold teeth are no good to you if you’re riddled with the consumption because of the cyanide.”
The 3-day debate over the offer of gold teeth appears to have revolved around a certain Diarmuid Devlin who seemingly convinced several friends that cyanide might have similar properties to kryptonite and, if fed under strict conditions to the senior football team, might make them giants and win the senior championship.
Devlin backed down when told that Superman wasn’t real and anyway if he was he’d probably get out of Greencastle straight away and head to warmer places like Bundoran or Downings.
Tyrone Tribulations supports Greencastle Says No To Cyancide.
Entreprenuer Makes Millions By Selling Wheelbarrowfuls Of Sperrin Air Despite Side Effects
Recent tax returns have confirmed that a Greencastle entrepreneur has pocketed over £3.2m in profit due to his ‘Sperrin Air’ production line which sees customers buying wheelbarrows full of air he has gathered from high up in the Sperrin Mountains.
Dermie Doherty, who has over 140 wheelbarrows currently in action, travels up Sawel Mountain in the Sperrin range by foot and, armed only with his wheelbarrow, collects the natural high-altitude air by walking around randomly before wheeling it back to his yard and emptying it into jam jars or leaving it in the barrows for bulk sale.
However, despite a roaring trade and soaring profits, concerns have emerged over serious side effects including cheering on Derry and fancying close relatives. Long-time customer Patsy Hurl of Cappagh explained:
“There’s no better feeling than opening up a jar of Sperrin Air and breathing in the delights of pure mountain atmosphere. At £39.99 a shot it’s not cheap but you definitely feel healthier. But they way I cheered Emmet McGuckin’s penalty against my home county was a bit disconcerting. And then I fought a lad over my cousin’s affections at the Slaughtneil disco. I’m weaning off it.”
Doherty has promised to label the barrows or jam jars with a health warning that some may suffer Derry-related side effects but argued that the overall positives outweighed the cons:
“Only 3 in every 5 are showing signs of Derryitis. To me that’s good odds. I’m shipping 35 wheelbarrows full of Sperrin Air every day so I’m doing something right.”
Health watchdog ‘Fresh’ have asked customers to be careful when wheeling the air home as any spillage of the air from the barrow could contaminate Tyrone air with catastrophic effects.
Uproar After Hospital Management Asks Patients and Staff To Cheer Up A Bit
Health watchdogs have castigated the new Mid-Tyrone Hospital management after the board advised patients in all wards to maybe ‘smile a bit more’, accusing staff and patients of making the institution a miserable place to walk through for visitors.
The Greencastle-based hospital, which opened in 2009, holds over 700 patients as well as 188 staff. The management also offered free make-up bags for nurses in order to brighten the place up a bit for visitors and inspectors.
Their 3000 word report detailed how patients looked ‘miserable and depressed, like as if the world was ending‘ and that they should ‘maybe lighten up a bit‘. It also went on to state how nurses were sometimes ‘grumpy with awkward patients‘ and that ‘some female nurses wore little or no make-up whilst male nurses could probably slap on some foundation too‘. It also accused doctors of delivering ‘bad news with a frown‘ and advised them to dress it up a bit with the positives about ‘having had a good life so far‘ and winking.
Health watchdogs MediLook fumed:
“This is a disgraceful report. It’s like they want to be the McDonald’s of the medical world. Our sources tell us they chastised a man who’d arrived in A&E with a 6-inch nail in his hand for ‘crying like a wee girl‘ and shouted at a male patient who had been diagnosed with severe piles for ‘getting on like a dick‘. It’s unacceptable.”
Mid-Tyrone Hospital CEO Dermot Devlin hit back at the watchdog’s analysis by reminding the public that ‘millions of years ago there were no humans‘ and that ‘people are moaners, especially the sick ones‘.
Devlin also revealed they’re commencing their Hospital Radio next week, which will be pumped into all wards. Opening tracks include ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’, ‘Staying Alive’ and ‘The Final Countdown’.
CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Doubts Cast On Greencastle Photographer’s Red Moon Picture
A well known Greencastle entrepreneur, photographer and triangle player is under pressure tonight to explain away the dubious photograph he allegedly took of the unusual red moon last night from his back garden.
Diarmuid O’Develane (38) posted the photo on Facebook, after previously telling everyone in Greencastle not to take any photos of the moon as he would supply the definite Greencastle picture to the world in all its brilliance.
The picture, which raises many concerns, drew a rash of abusive comments from friends and family who went to bed early last night in the knowledge that Diarmuid was representing Greencastle with his state of the art Kodak camera. O’Develane’s uncle and former press photographer was first to comment on the supposed ‘Red Moon From Greencastle’:
“Expect us to believe that, ye bollox.”
A friend added fuel to the fire:
“The next time I see ye Diarmy I’ll ram that Kodak up yer jacksie.”
An ex-girlfriend remarked:
“Stunning. (being sarcastic).”
O’Develane finally weighed in to the debate, defending his picture:
“A lot of you people here don’t understand digital photography so I suggest yiz shut up. It was a deadly windy night and the WiFi connection was coming and going so all-in-all it’s a decent photo. I’m the one who had to stay up to 4am in the cold, drinking gin.”
A Greencastle GAA player immediately replied:
“Sure how come I saw you tweeting a picture of yourself in bed at 10:30 watching Downton Abbey, drinking gin? Get up the road, Diarmy.”
O’Develane courted controversy last year when he posted photos of himself at the World Cup in Brazil when he was actually in his house watching all of the Game of Thrones series.
The Staring Man Wins Greencastle’s Got Talent Again For 9th Year Running
To tumultuous applause and four wolf whistles, Greencastle man Dermie Devlins won his home club’s talent contest for the ninth consecutive year with his ‘Deadly Stare’ act which sees him stare at the judges for 4 minutes solid without blinking.
Despite stiff competition from a man from Plumbridge who can spin on his backside using a broom handle for manoeuvring and a woman with a moustache from Glenelly, Devlins took 98% of the vote from the audience in attendance, a new record despite no change in his act since his first victory in 2007.
Chief judge Jilly Kincon explained the result:
“Everyone knew who the class act in the field was. Devlins’ Deadly Stare really is deadly. He just stares like, for 4 minutes and doesn’t blink at all. It’s like a goat or the devil himself. Staring is not something any Tom, Dick or Harry can do. Well Dermie can.”
A small protest outside the clubrooms caused some disruption around midnight when friends and family of the Kildress entry refused to allow cars to leave until the judges were replaced and a new competition held. Their man, Kieran Molloy, who sang ‘Do You Want Yer Oul Lobby Washed Down‘ in Ulster Scots, received no votes.
Traffic was eventually allowed past when organisers agreed to buy a round for all Kildress supporters at the show.
Greencastle Report Flying Cows Again During Windy Spell. Hoax Says Dungannon Tech Students.
Residents of Greencastle have been asked to return to their houses after the reported flying cow news story turned out to be a hoax. Government officials confirmed there’ll be no claim forms for this.
Photoshop experts from Dungannon Tech confirmed that the image captured and shared by Frank Mitchell on UTV Weather Watchers was a really poor computer job by a B-Tech IT student and not a real depiction of cattle hurtling towards the Sperrins.
Dermot O’Devlin, an esteemed local historian, remains sceptical:
“Well, I think I know that cow from my Christmas party shenanigans. The lights on it are a give away. Anyway, I’m not heading back to my house until I know there are no livestock casually hurtling about in my locality and them weighing a few hundred tonnes. If there’s a claim, I’m in though.”
Local Photoshop guru, Jack McKinless, labelled the picture ‘one of the worst Photoshop jobs’ he’s ever seen.
The Greencastle flying cow story follows on from the Kildress Old People’s Home incident which lamented the loss of 44 elderly residents who blew away ‘northwards’ during the high winds. Worker Patricia Hurson maintains she saw them fly off ‘towards Derry’ whilst out for their morning walk.
Shortly afterwards, workers applied for a grant which caters for Act of God bereavement stress amongst their staff.
‘I’m A Better Driver Than Lewis Hamilton,’ Says Greencastle Widow
A 69-year old Greencastle widow has rubbished the driving skills of recently crowned BBC Sports Personality of the Year Lewis Hamilton as well as lambasting the talents of most modern sport stars.
Mary Devlin, who had to re-sit her driving test this year after banging into half a dozen motors on her way to collect her grandson from school, maintains she noticed a few bad habits the Formula One World Champion has developed over the last few years:
“For starters, he’s always driving over the kerb. But that’s maybe a result of breaking too late before corners and stuff. Then sure he’s always taking breaks for a minute or two every half an hour or so. How this man won that trophy last night amazes me. Looksee, I can drive to Belfast without stopping at all.”
Devlin did not hold back on other sporting high achievers:
“I hear people going on about this Rory McIlroy and how he should have won it. This is a man who walks slowly around a field in a jumper and chinos hitting a ball with a stick maybe 70 times over 4 hours. And don’t get me started about people riding bikes. I’ve been riding since I was 17.”
Meanwhile, Devlin wanted to reiterate that she is not related to the Greencastle woman who accidentally drove up Croagh Patrick or the Greencastle woman who drove to Dublin in first gear. (click on links)
Two Tyrone Tribulation Journalists On The Run As PSNI Clamp Down On Lies
It emerged this evening that two Tyrone Tribulation journalists, Shengas McGlumphie and Gombeen, have fled their offices and are at large after they received a tip off from a security forces insider.
The PSNI initiative, nicknamed ‘Operation Bulldung’, is aimed at ridding the Internet of lies and untruths. Reports suggest the Tyrone Tribulation journalists are their most wanted suspects after two years of writing complete nonsense online on a daily basis.
DCI McKillop, who has a reputation of getting the job done, explained the situation:
“We’re sick and tired of them boys writing utter tripe on the Internet, giving people cause to imitate stupid things. Last week we received calls from parents worried their daughters were going to spend a fortune on getting that trout look. Their lies is getting a bit tedious and no one likes a liar around these parts.”
Friends of the on-the-run pair have started a Facebook page called ‘Free The Tribulation Two’ and have already amassed 6 likes. One of the anonymous authors told us:
“It’s a disgrace so it is.”
The PSNI have send out leaflets to homes across the county, warning people not to approach the pair as they are armed with untruths, and in case they start lying again. They added:
“Let them two be under no illusion. Tyrone is a small place and by the weekend there’ll be nowhere to hide. We have men with flippers in the Lough and half the county are touts so it’s a no-win situation for the bullshitters. That’s where lies get you. Hand over your laptops.”
Eye witness reports have confirmed the presence of two suspicious men walking around Greencastle heading in the direction of Kildress with two laptops, a fishing rod, a piece of chicken and a loaf of bread.
Probe Into Ireland’s First ‘6-Star Hotel’. In Greencastle.
News emerged yesterday of an investigation into what was billed as Ireland’s first all-inclusive, luxury ‘6-star’ resort which opened last weekend in Tyrone.
Crockanboy Farm Hotel, based next to the working farm of the same name, opened last weekend for business but promptly drew the attention of the Tyrone Tourism Board, which questioned its self-appointed 6-star status.
Spokesperson for the Tyrone Tourism Board Henry Bogue said,
“I suppose we should have twigged the moment we heard it was based in Greencastle. I mean, no offence to the folk there, but it’s not exactly 42nd Street in New York, is it? In fact, it’s not even Scotch Street in Dungannon. What were they thinking?”
Asked what will justify the 6-star rating, farmer-turned-hotelier Plunket Molloy said,
“Well, that’s a really good question. See, you have your 4-star hotels and 5-star hotels, but we’re 6. That means we’re better. Everything’s included. That’s why it’s all-inclusive, and 6-star. Beds, electricity, heating, floors, the lot. We might even throw in a bit of breakfast. How’s that for all-inclusive? And if they stay in the honeymoon suite they’ll get a free GAA Tyrone air freshener. They might need it with the smell of the slurry”.
“We’re tapping into the American market here. They’ll come from places like San Francisco and Sydney, with their ‘gee shucks’, and their ‘gosh darn its’. Once they hear about this place we’ll be on the pig’s back. The Yanks are over here all the time researching their ancestry. We’ll do tours of a few graveyards, show then Ulysses Grant’s place, Peter Canavan’s home place, that sort of thing. And we can sort out some free bubblegum for them”.
Rooms start at £1,000 per night, although Molloy said privately that as an introductory offer he might accept offers as low as £25.
However, Bogue from the Tourist Board was less than impressed. In particular, he has raised concerns about the ‘state of the art’ fitness suite, which consists of a piece of blue rope for skipping, and a ‘free weights’ room which contains a pile of breeze blocks. He has also expressed concern about the heavily-advertised outdoor running area which incorporates a ‘unique in-built exercise improvement device, guaranteed to help improve fitness levels every time’, which appears to be nothing more than a field with an angry bull in it.
As at last night, Molloy was undeterred, insisting that he may advertise as a 7-star resort, just as soon as he gets the hot water plumbed in.