After a petition to force a rewrite to the end of Game of Thrones gained over 1.5m signatures, an avid movie fan from Augher has managed to obtain over 100 similarly minded petition signers to ask for a rewrite to the end of Titanic.
The movie, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, ended with Winslet pushing Leonardo off a raft, sending him into an icy grave alongside the boat itself. Then all of a sudden DiCaprio and the boat make a dramatic recovery and they both get a round of applause by everyone who all seem to have survived too, before tackling Winslet romantically.
Augher lumberjack Kevin McCaughey added:
“It was completely stupid. The boat had been ripped in half and DiCaprio already murdered by Winslet. Then they’re all alive again and people clapping on the stairway at the magic of it all. I’m calling for a rewrite, wherein Winslet gets arrested in the water by a policeman who was passing by on a boat, and she is hanged.”
McCaughey revealed he is aims to start petitions regarding the ending of E.T. which will see the alien staying and integrating into American society, getting a job as a lab technician in a school but finally dying of heart failure having ballooned in weight to over 23 stone.
A Coalisland plumber, who won East Tyrone Mr Wrangler Jeans Backside in 2007, has claimed he has never felt so lonely after he openly claimed that Game of Thrones was shite and that Derry Girls wasn’t much better.
Tommy Quinn, who also made the papers in 2016 after finding a gold ring with his metal detector which dated back to the 1960s, was refused entry to three of the town’s watering holes last night as well as all 34 off-licences.
“The priest said last week at Mass that honesty pays. So I goes into O’Neill’s pub and told everyone that the Game of Thrones was pure dung. I was immediately glassed. I then stood tall and said that Derry Girls was as funny as a kick in the balls. I was glassed again and lifted by three women and thrown through the window. Fr Toner needs to explain that.”
Quinn has now found a drinking den behind the old egg factory in the town alongside three 16 year olds and a dog.
Meanwhile, Peter Canavan has denied that he inspired the Game of Thrones franchise after claiming in his Croke Park All Ireland acceptance speech in 2003 that he was taking Sam back to Throne.
A well known Greencastle entrepreneur, photographer and triangle player is under pressure tonight to explain away the dubious photograph he allegedly took of the unusual red moon last night from his back garden.
Diarmuid O’Develane (38) posted the photo on Facebook, after previously telling everyone in Greencastle not to take any photos of the moon as he would supply the definite Greencastle picture to the world in all its brilliance.
The picture, which raises many concerns, drew a rash of abusive comments from friends and family who went to bed early last night in the knowledge that Diarmuid was representing Greencastle with his state of the art Kodak camera. O’Develane’s uncle and former press photographer was first to comment on the supposed ‘Red Moon From Greencastle’:
“Expect us to believe that, ye bollox.”
A friend added fuel to the fire:
“The next time I see ye Diarmy I’ll ram that Kodak up yer jacksie.”
An ex-girlfriend remarked:
“Stunning. (being sarcastic).”
O’Develane finally weighed in to the debate, defending his picture:
“A lot of you people here don’t understand digital photography so I suggest yiz shut up. It was a deadly windy night and the WiFi connection was coming and going so all-in-all it’s a decent photo. I’m the one who had to stay up to 4am in the cold, drinking gin.”
A Greencastle GAA player immediately replied:
“Sure how come I saw you tweeting a picture of yourself in bed at 10:30 watching Downton Abbey, drinking gin? Get up the road, Diarmy.”
O’Develane courted controversy last year when he posted photos of himself at the World Cup in Brazil when he was actually in his house watching all of the Game of Thrones series.
A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.
Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.
On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:
“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”
Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.
Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.
“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”
Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.
Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Armagh last July
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
A man has privately admitted that his boasts of completing four exhausting marathons in as many weeks relate not to running 26-mile marathons, but in fact to lying on the couch watching entire series’ of television programmes in one sitting.
Paul McElhatton, a 28-year old banana ripener from Benburb, spent all day Monday recovering from what he called ‘one the most intense marathons he had ever endured’.
“You have to prepare for these things”, said McElhatton. “I did no training at all for my first one, and it was bad. Breaking Bad, all five seasons series of it. House of Cards wasn’t quite as tiring although it was quite difficult to follow, but a multipack of the Tayto gave me the strength to get through it. To be honest, it was actually my third marathon, Homeland, that I found most draining. Was yer man going to blow up lots of people or not? Was he going to get found out in time? It was a shattering experience. You try sitting on the edge of your seat for forty fecking hours. I had to phone in sick the next day. My arse was numb for a week”.
But his family are still under the illusion that young Paul’s marathon exploits relate not to television-watching but to pounding the streets in running shoes. His mother, 62-year old Bridie, said,
“We’re so proud of him. I know his third one took twelve hours which raised a few eyebrows, but then he is carrying plenty of beef on him, bless him. But he’s very modest about it. He’s got a tara amount of energy. I asked him if he had to lie down afterwards, and he said that was the last thing he wanted to do. I don’t know where he gets it from. I remember when he used to live at the homeplace, all he did was sit watching telly all day. Look at him now”.
McElhatton explained that all his hard work is paying off.
“It does get easier the more you do it”, he said. “By the fourth marathon it had all become a bit of a game. Of Thrones. Thon one set in the Titanic Quarter, but with dinosaurs and stuff. Over thirty hours, but I sailed through it”.
As of last night, McElhatton was preparing for his fifth marathon watching all 120 episodes of ‘Friends’ by learning all the words of ‘Smelly Cat’.
Annaghshee Household On Red Alert As Parent Accidentally Cuts Toast Into Triangles Instead of Squares
Tensions were said to be at breaking point in the Annaghshee housing estate in Dungannon, following a near-fatal error by a parent who incorrectly cut up jammy toast for her 4-year old daughter Caitlin.
“I don’t know what I was thinking”, said distraught mother Susan McGoldrick.
“I was so busy making sure I used the jam that’s got no bits in it, that I cut it into triangles and not squares. I forgot that she doesn’t like triangles anymore since she saw her big cousin, who’s 6, eat sandwiches that were cut into squares. I tried to backtrack saying that it was actually her da’s toast and not hers, but it was too late. The damage was done. She went absolutely ape shit. How will I live with myself?”
The episode prompted the 4-year old Caitlin to go into a near-apoplectic fit, which included screaming, stamping of feet, tears streaming down the face and, at one heart-stopping point, flailing of arms.
The stand-off, which local press have already nicknamed ‘Toastgate’, continued late into mid-morning, with local neighbour and Councillor Sean McGill being quickly summoned to the scene. McGill was able to talk to reporters during short breaks in negotiations.
“It’s tara boys, I have to tell ye”, as he mopped sweat from his brow with a Thomas the Tank Engine serviette. “It’s a knife edge in there. To make matters worse, wee Caitlin’s got hold of the remote control and she’s started waving it about. If she accidentally deletes all of the Game of Thrones that her big sister’s taped, then Caitlin’ll be the least of our worries. Jays, I’ve never encountered anything as hard as this. And I used to sit on the Parades Commission”.
The delicate negotiations began shortly after 10am, with Caitlin’s father Peter trying to diffuse the situation by offering unlimited Cheerios and two Jammy Dodgers, to no avail. They later made some headway with a further concession of three back-to-back episodes of Strawberry Shortcake and a stay-over at Granny McGee’s next weekend, which was met with sniffles and folded arms, but fewer tears.
However, latest reports indicate matters taking a turn for the worse from an unexpected source, when father Peter foolishly advised Caitlin that ‘Mummy was a stupid bat for making her feckin’ toast all wrong”.