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Dub Pagan Weather God Worshippers Arrested As Tyrone GAA Pitches Wiped Out During Storms

 

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Tyrone, an hour ago

A spate of arrests were carried out this evening in Dublin after a heavy storm obliterated many GAA grounds in Tyrone on Tuesday night. Barra Best and Frank Mitchell have also been questioned on suspicion of colluding with pagans in the capital. 

 

In what has been labelled a carefully executed blitz on key targets akin to something witnessed during WWII, over 55 grounds were wiped out with only Garvaghey untouched due to the careful planning and foresight by Club Tyrone officials a few years ago.

Sources in and around Dublin claim that spiritualists called upon the pre-Christian figure of Echaid to resurrect his enormous fictional horse, whose urine was so powerful and thunderous back then that it created Lough Neagh when going to the toilet one night.

Taddy Pally added:

“Echaid’s ‘pissy horse’ seems to have created havoc last night in the county, in what they christened Storm Hill 16. But I do think Barra Best and Frank Mitchell, no lovers of Tyrone, are up to their necks in this too. Them boys know how to manipulate fronts and stuff. Gavin paid them probably as well.”

Club Tyrone officials were reportedly feeling vindicated after the much-maligned geographical position of Garvaghy, on a mountain, avoided the floods due to its extreme altitude.

Meanwhile, Healy Park officials have said they’ve never seen their pitch looking so well.

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Fear Of East Tyrone Influx Sees Omagh Schools Trial Accent Tests

_75484581_omaghcbssignOmagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.

And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.

An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:

“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”

A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.

This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.

 

 

Lough Neagh Fisherman Caught With 200 Pollan In Boat – ‘They Jumped In’

fishing boatDespite the Lough Fishermen’s Co-operative Society’s three month fishing ban on all scale fish in Lough Neagh, starting on March 1, an Ardboe fisherman was this morning caught with 200 pollan under a pile of coats on his 26 ft GRP fishing boat with a Perkins 6 Cylinder engine, Borgwarner Gearbox, 64Kw, dual control winch with gantry.

When initially questioned by the bailiffs, the 79-year old man explained that he just was out for a sail when the fish started jumping in, probably because they’d seen other fish get in the boat when he was legally fishing before the ban.

Gaffer Wylie added:

“I believe they thought it was the fashion to get in the boat, maybe seeing their parents or cousins being fished in by net a month ago. I tried to stop them but there was no shifting them. Pollans are a stubborn fish and started beating their heads off the floor to knock themselves out. There was no point throwing them back in after that. Sure they’d just drown.”

Bailiff McIlhatton revealed he found the explanation highly unlikely but had no proof it didn’t happen as there were no rods or nets on Wylie’s boat by the time he arrived over, although he was almost sure he’d seen the fisherman throw equipment overboard when spotted a quarter of a mile out.

“This is the second time I’ve been hoodwinked. Another Maghery fisherman was caught with 800 trout in this boat and he maintained the fish loved his singing so much that they jumped in, and as he had his eyes closed singing he didn’t notice. They also, miraculously, knocked themselves out. Us bailiffs need faster boats. By the time we get over, these men have their stories sorted and gear ditched.”

Flame-haired Maggie Duffy, a new bailiff from Antrim, was stood down this morning from her job after it emerged that the sight of a red-haired woman was considered very bad luck by Lough Neagh fishermen.

 

New East Tyrone Film Club Society Savages Classics

Wooden performance from Carrickmore midfielder lookalike

Wooden performance from Carrickmore midfielder lookalike

The minutes from the monthly meetings of the new East Tyrone Film Club Society (ETFCS) paints a disappointing picture after their ’12 Months of Classics in 2016′ theme failed to impress members, with many supposed epics slaughtered by the 20-strong film viewing group.

Tyrone Tribulations managed to get an official copy of the minutes which makes grim reading for the world’s top film directors and actors:

 

 

JANUARY (Jan 2nd): FRANKENSTEIN (1931) – RATING 1 STAR OUT OF 10

Pure dung. The monster wasn’t even called Frankenstein. No scary bits at all, no rocking chairs or machetes or big noise effects. Just a man making another man out of body parts and ballsing it up and then kills him. Well, we think he did because we turned it off after an hour and watched Match of the Day. Do not buy this film. Black and white too. The monster looks more like a Carrickmore midfielder than a notorious villain. And his acting was terrible. Just grunted and hardly moved.

FEBRUARY (Feb 1st): JAWS (1975) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10

Absolute bollocks. A middlin-sized shark torments the people of America. Then these men get in a questionably-sized ‘boat’ to tackle the killer fish. We’ve seen bigger vessels struggling with a shoal of perch on the Lough. They get drunk and one supposed expert gets ate by the fish and the other man kills it, with the older man already in its belly, by making it swallow a barrelful of diesel and shoots it. All it really needed was good bait and a big net according to some of our Ardboe members. 20 mins done and dusted they reckoned, even including the time for drinking. These amateurs deserved to get ate. True story.

MARCH (Feb 20th): E.T. (1982) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10

Complete balls. This ugly-looking craytur arrives in America and a young lad hides it. Totally unrealistic. The thing learns the English language in minutes and can weld things with its finger without using an eye-shield or any protective clothing. Then the cops come and try to kill it but he survives and moreorless tells the lad that he’s mental, pointing at his head and saying ‘I’ll be right here‘ which many of us interpret as the lad showing early signs of dementia and the alien lad knows it, if he exists at all. A spaceship arrives miraculously and takes the thing home. We found ourselves booing.

Next up for Easter: Schindler’s List

 

Swans On Anti-Depressants After Viewing Episodes Of EastEnders Through Flooded Derrytresk Man’s Window

682507383_4dd5c0fd4c_bA leading swan psychologist at the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) has confirmed he had to prescribe anti-depressants to a flock of swans who watched thirty-three episodes of EastEnders through the window of a house which had unfortunately witnessed high levels of flooding around it.

The swans, which were displaying heightened levels of agitated and violent behaviour towards their immediate families after viewing the programme, were said to be addicted to the goings-on in and around Albert Square and began impatiently pecking at the Derrytresk man’s window from sunrise, forcing Mr Quinn to stick on pre-recorded episodes of the English soap opera.

Professor Gilbery Mollyed explained:

“Because of the high levels of flooding, the swans were able to comfortably view what Dot Cotton and Phil Mitchell were up to on the fictional London community, through Mr Quinn’s good room window. However, the pessimisitc plotlines appear to have had a detrimental effect on the birds, causing them to become irrationally short-tempered with each other and develop unusual addictions to alcohol. I’ve had to prescribe over 500 doses of Prozac to just 200 Lough Neagh swans.

Mr Quinn, who was acutely aware of the Swans’ affection for the popular BBC show, revealed he attempted to wean them off the programme:

“They were fighting and slapping and flapping at each other to get a better view through my window and I couldn’t hear the damn show through their crying and squawking. I turned over to Mrs Brown’s Boys and they went clean mad pecking at my window to the point that I thought the house was going to come down around me. I had to return to an old recorded episode of EastEnders with Dirty Den in it to calm them down.

Mr Quinn also revealed they liked watching Emmerdale, the 7 O’Clock News on Channel 4 and The Angelus on RTE.

Derrytresk Folk Starting To Develop Scaly Complexion After Latest Deluge Of Rain

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Derrytresk man in 10 years?

An eminent Coalisland doctor has revealed blood tests confirm that up to 100 Derrytresk folk have started to show fish-like characteristics such as scaliness, excess pouting as well as casually eating worms and maggots.

The latest developments follow on from a nightmare fortnight for the beleaguered East Tyrone residents, after over 9 feet of rain fell every day since November 20th. Sightings of blue whales and cruise ships have yet to be confirmed as a 4 mile radius remains underwater today.

Local historian and cultural enthusiast Mr E Campbell admitted there has definitely been a shape-shift amongst residents of the general Derrytresk area since the recent bout of exceptionally heavy rain.

“There has been a visible change this time alright. I think our DNA down here has been gradually warped with the continuous retention of surface water, and the doctor’s tests confirmed we are almost mermaids and whatever the male equivalent of that is. You see people flapping about all the time now.”

Dr McKinney, who has been treating Derrytreskonians since 1956, is adamant that there’s no stopping the recent developments:

“I’ve always said the Derrytresk ones were cold-blooded and slippery in the metaphorical sense. But now it’s literally and physically true. I had a Hill woman in last week and she started pouting like mad. I thought it was some kind of romantic manoeuvre so I pretended to be sick myself and got rid of her.”

Meanwhile, the Lough Neagh Conservation Group have warned Asian tourists that they will shoot on sight anyone attempting to sail into Coalisland from Liverpool via the Bann, Lough Neagh and the newly formed Derrytresk Waterway.

 

 

Scientists Sceptical Over Authenticity of Leaning Cross Of Ardboe

The Leaning Cross of Ardboe.

The Leaning Cross of Ardboe (formerly The Ardboe Cross)

Several scientists arrived in Ardboe this morning to verify that an unusually powerful earthquake caused the famous Ardboe Cross to lean 11 degrees to its left, resulting in a surge of visitors to the historical site.

The Ardboe Heritage Society (AHS) claim that a localised earthquake struck Ardboe last week, measuring 4.4 on their homemade Richter scale, making it the worst earthquake in Ireland since 2888 BC. Despite no one reporting any shaking or noise in the area, the AHS maintained it was so localised that it occurred directly under the Cross, causing it to slant slightly to the side, making it a place of religious, historical and now geological interest. Since the quake, a fee of £10 must be paid by visitors to the Cross.

Professor Pat Brogan remains unconvinced:

“I can see that it’s bent alright but what caused it is a bit of a mystery. There are no fault lines in Ardboe so it’s highly unlikely to experience any earth movement. After a series of tests, I believe that someone simply leaned against it and now they’re making a lot of money out of it. I saw 300 Chinese tourists at it this morning. That’s £3000 in one go. Crooks.”

AHS chairman John John Quinn is disappointed at Prof. Brogan’s findings:

“Ghost oh boys. Sure how could a man move that by leaning against it. It was definitely an earthquake. My son got a B in his GCSE in Geography there and sure he knows what he’s talking about and he says it was a quake alright. Sure the eels have been behaving queerly since that night, like as if they’re nervous or something.”

Quinn added that it’s only £9 for anyone under 16 to see newly named Leaning Cross of Ardboe.

Lough Neagh Dolphin-Watchers Tour Firm (WTF) Go Bust

Lough Neagh dolphin

Lough Neagh dolphin?

Despite positive feedback from their exclusive firework-inspired business launch outdoor dinner last year, the Lough Neagh Dolphin-Watchers Tour Firm (LNDWTF or WTF for short) have announced an annual loss of 600% or £800’000, with the company ceasing trade immediately.

WTF also confirmed their office mysteriously went on fire just before the announcement and are waiting the outcome of a ‘big claim’ because of the suspected arson, with the finger firmly pointed at the Shark-Watchers’ Society at Toome.

WTF’s CEO Patrick McCabe admitted the take-up on the whole dolphin experience was rather disappointing:

“Everyone loves dolphins we thought. Well, apparently in East Tyrone they don’t. We never even had one customer since the website booking mechanism went live on 25th May 2014. We thought maybe it was bad Internet connections or something but after canvassing outside chapels in recent Sundays we now realise there’s no appetite for dolphins around here. The eels have it sown up.”

WTF’s European Union grant of £1m does not have to be repaid as a recently publicised loop-hole exempts EU funded businesses from paying the money back if they have been in existence for over 12 months.

McCabe maintains there is no money to pay back anyway:

“The £1m is well gone. We had to install glass bottoms in our boats as well as loads of hi-vis jackets in case we fell in. It’s just a big pity people aren’t into dolphins around here.  The Lough Neagh species exhibits a falcate dorsal fin, a prominent beak, strong social bonds and is very acrobatic and capable of great bursts of speed in the water. This species frequently rides the bow wave of our tour boat in Hawaii. They just seem to be more shy here. Maybe they’re afraid of the whales.”

When asked for photographic evidence of the Lough Neagh dolphin, McCabe momentarily showed us a picture of something floating in the lough in the distance, probably the stump of a tree or something.

 

Bin Laden Had ‘Rake Of Tyrone Books’ In Personal Library Says US Intelligence Officials

Osama bin Laden on a Saturday night

Osama bin Laden on a Saturday night

US intelligence officials, who this week released more than 100 documents seized four years ago in the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, revealed he possessed a fascination with Tyrone GAA as well as reading works by Islamist thinkers but also English language books by authors like Noam Chomsky and Bob Woodward.

The news of the secret Red-Hand library stash comes in the wake of over 200 complaints made to PSNI officials by locals regarding the amount of men in suits with American accents walking around Tyrone whilst talking up their sleeves.

The US Photo Agency leaked a picture of his library which showed copies of ‘The History of Dromore GFC’, ‘The GAA in Tyrone’, ‘Ryan McMenamin – Baring My Teeth’, ‘This Secret History of Lough Neagh’ and ‘Malachi Cush – The Sweet Sound of Success’.

Speaking to a limited press gathering, US Marshall Nelson Power added:

“As well as dozens of cuttings from newspapers and magazines, again largely about al-Qaida, supplementing the more academic reading, Bin Laden appeared to have been fixated with Tyrone people and what drives them to success. We’re looking into this ourselves as we were expecting an extensive Derry collection, especially from around Maghera and Dungiven, or even South Armagh.”

Unconfirmed Rumours have emerged since claiming Bin Laden kept a Tyrone jersey from 2003 under his bed which had the WJ Dolan lettering well worn suggesting he has used it a lot, maybe for kick-arounds outside his compound during quiet periods.

A video also shows Bin Laden laughing and roaring at his small TV which appears to be showing Datsun Donaghy’s ‘How I Won The Sam Maguire’.

Jon Snow Didn’t Think Tyrone Was Deadly Either

Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe

Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe

A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.

Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.

On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:

“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”

Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.

Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.

“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”

Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.

Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.

Dyslexic Ardboe Man Files Law Suit Against ADOBE© For Libel

old-man-laughingby Aughoughilley Schniffles

A 64 year old dyslexia sufferer from the sleepy hollow of Ardboe, County Tyrone, has tasked lawyers to take legal action against pdf giant Adobe©, for his misinterpretation of the wording “Adobe reader” on a billboard in the area, which he alleges reads ‘Ardboe reader’ and has been construed as a personal jibe at his poor literacy skills.

The pensioner, from Ardboe, which translates from Gaeilge as “tall cow”, says he believes that the company have been taunting him personally over his dyslexia ‘by going on about this Ardboe reader stuff‘ and could not be convinced otherwise.

Mr Rab Fee, or ‘Bra’ as he is known locally, says he understands “Not waan hate” (a term which locally describes a scant knowledge of a subject) of Adobe’s advertising campaign.

In a preliminary court hearing at Cookstown district court recently, Mr Fee stated that he believed ‘pdf’ referred to a paramilitary grouping and accused them of utilizing ‘intimidation tactics’ towards him personally, due to his dyslexia.

Fee, when pressed, has admitted that he once mistook a sign for the local lake – Lough Neagh – as ‘low knees’, referring to him being short in stature at all of 5 feet 4 inches tall, and believed it was placed there by the same individual or group of individuals.

Mr Fee also reportedly confused the sign post for the local Battery Bar as a sign for a burger van, and stood outside the closed bar for 12 hours last December.

When interviewed in depth and asked about his thoughts regarding the beauty of the locality, including questions on the Ardboe cross, he replied,

“Cross? Of course I’m cross, I’m feckin’ raging – you would be too if you thought people were talking behind your back and pushing you around…”

Tyrone Tribulations did not want to point out that this statement held a lot of truths, as he is currently in a wheelchair with mobility aid from a talkative relative.

Local Catholic clergy issued a statement on the matter, stating:

 ‘Away and leave the poor man alone, sure he knows no better. Why don’t you go tackle the banker or the politician? They are the real bolloxes in all of this’.

A spokesman for Adobe was unavailable for comment, however it is thought that it will not deter the company’s advertising in any way.

Archeologists Told To Stop Finding Things For A While

Recent find near Cappagh

Recent find near Cappagh

Following the discovery of six coins from 1972 in a field near Gortin, archeologists in the county have been warned for the final time to tone it down a bit and stop finding things for a while at least.

Professor Joe Quinn, who spearheads the Tyrone Legacy Association which looks into catering for future generations and leaving plenty for them to do, demanded that people stop trying to find old ruins and memorabilia and to leave some of it for our grandchildren and their children:

“Every time I open the paper I hear of some find on a remote field and it drives me insane. People are selfishly thinking of themselves and leaving nothing for people to find in 200 years. I urge people to put things back and tell no one.”

The recent coin find follows last week’s discovery of the ruins of an underwater settlement in Lough Neagh, dating back at least 150 years. Moortown fisherman Patsy McQuaid now admits he should have turned a blind eye to the find, adding that it has only created problems since he went public:

“I should’ve said nothing. There are still people alive today who had parents that maybe lived in the underwater settlement and this has dredged up problems with the tax man claiming it was a tax haven for wealthy Mootown linen factory owners. No good can come from archeology these days.”

The Tyrone Tourism Board are considering fining anyone who discovers anything until 2020. Loughshore metal-detector fanatic Jim Walshe raged:

“Them boys aren’t telling me what to do. What they are now creating is an underground archeological society where people will meet in secret to exchange treasure. Fcuk the future generations.

Jim Walshe was arrested this morning and his metal detector confiscated.

Ardboe Man Regrets Buying Wife A Drone

Undressed-Seattle-woman-reports-peeping-Tom-drone-spying-through-her-window_st_thDrinkers in an established bar on the shores of Lough Neagh have shunned long time friend and one-time centre of attention Geordie Forbes after his wife kept driving her expensive drone into the pub to spy on him using an in-built camera.

Quinn’s Watering Hole have also issued a barred notice to Forbes, claiming the drone was intimidating other punters after news emerged that a cackle of wives and girlfriends were gathering in Forbes’ house every night to watch live footage of who was in the pub when they shouldn’t have been.

The S800 professional Hex-Rotor Platform Big Aircraft (£2500) has a hovering time of 16 minutes, giving it enough time to leave Mrs Forbes’ porch and spend over 5 minutes inside the pub whilst a live feed of the images are shown on her laptop in her front room.

Former bowls champion and full-time drinker Mal Quinn admitted it was hard to enjoy his pints with the humming of the drone over his head and knowing that his wife is watching the whole thing in Forbes’ living room:

“It’s bad enough knowing that you’re now going to be killed when you get home for being late with the bread but that humming noise is making it an altogether irritating experience, especially when you’re trying to watch The One Show in the back room. Either Forbes finds another place to drink or the drone will be kicked up and down the pub, expensive or not.”

Neighbours also revealed that Mrs Forbes has acquired a silencer for the drone and has been using it to look in through windows of neighbouring houses to check on the colours of settees and what they’re watching etc.

“What man buys his wife a drone for Christmas?”

said Forbes’ brother Pat before threatening to buy a drone-exterminating aircraft from Ebay.

 

Sunday Times Food Critic Awards New East Tyrone Restaurant No Stars

Flynn's Midge And Eel Soup

Flynn’s Midge And Eel Soup

Flynn’s Diner, a new eatery situated on the side of a quiet country road on the shores of Lough Neagh, is reeling from an international food critic’s scathing review in last week’s Sunday Times.

Describing it as ‘like something from the depths of hell‘, the culinary expert proceeded to try every dish before admitting defeat and heading off for a fish supper in Landi’s in Coalisland.

When interviewed today, the journalist Quentin Harrod was sticking to his guns despite heavy criticism on social media from loughshore residents and friends of proprietor Conor Flynn:

“I still have cold sweats thinking about the ordeal. The starter – for which the was no other option – was ‘Midge & Eel Soup’. Apparently it’s some kind of fusion of local produce. The taste was like nothing I had experienced before.”

Flynn, originally from West Belfast, has refused to take his Midge and Eel Soup off the menu and suggests Mr Harrod may have not put enough salt on it:

“I sell about 25 bowls of Midge and Eel a day so I do and never once have a heard a complaint so I haven’t. I think Mr Harrod maybe didn’t give the dish the respect it needs in terms of seasoning so he didn’t.”

Harrod went on to slate the main dish which was black pudding served on a bed of spaghetti hoops, claiming it was ‘food for heathens and neanderthals‘. His article in the Sunday Times, which is read by 91 million people, finished with a scathing attack on the dessert – ice cream in a cup covered in crumbled Rich Tea. Flynn refused to back down:

“He’s getting on like a bit of a dick so he is.”

Flynn’s Diner is open 5pm-6pm, seven days a week.

Fears Of ‘Testicle-Eating Fish’ In Lough Neagh Rise After Weekend Carnage

Do not wear these type of shorts

Do not wear these type of shorts

Despite sound-bites from the government to quell fears of a new breed of testicle-eating trouts and eels stalking Lough Neagh, swimmers and bathers along the western coastline of the lough confirmed they are still a real threat, and may be getting hungrier.

Two male swimmers from Derrylaughan, who every Saturday morning religiously partake in a short swim out to Coney Island and back to shake off hangovers, reported three attacks from three different breeds of fish during their 30-minute paddle. Kevin Barry, a 28-year old fencer, told us:

“I think that’ll be the last time I go for a dip in the lough until the problem is sorted. There’s no enjoyment when you’re constantly worried you’ll return to shore with mutilated knackers. I’ve never seen eels behave like that before, and I know my eels.”

Sunbather Harry Quinn (58) from Moortown was astonished at the attack he experienced whilst laying on a towel on the beach at the Battery. Wearing a tight-fitting pair of Moortown St Malachy’s shorts from his playing days in the early 80s, Quinn had to retreat to the pub after an unprovoked assault on Saturday:

“Ghost oh, I was just nodding off on the towel and before I know it a couple of Dollaghan were yanking the shorts off me and them 10 feet out of water. I barely managed to bate them off with a rolled up Irish News but not before on of the trout took a nick from one of my yokes.”

Local scientist Paddy Hughes maintains the new culinary tastes are a result of “global warming or the solar rays or something like that” and has warned male swimmers and fishermen to wear body armour or metal trunks for a few years “until the fish move on to China or somewhere like that”.

Witch-Ducking “Isn’t Always The Answer” Says Controversial Ardboe Man

A campaign to outlaw witch-ducking in parts of Ardboe by 2017 was met with disapproval from many quarters yesterday.

The little-known law, which was endured in the area for over 500 years, is planned to be repealed within the next three years by the courts, but met stiff opposition from locals who were disappointed at the news. The practice involves lowering suspected witches into Lough Neagh whilst strapped to a seat.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

“When the elders is the area decide that someone has contravened our local bye laws, that’s when we turn to The Stool”, explained village chieftain Methusala O’Neill.  “It’s grand for dispensing law and order, or just for when we’re bored and after a bit of craic. Last week there was this wummin from the Mullan Road who wouldn’t stop playing Hugo Duncan. On and on and on it went, for at least five minutes. Maybe even more. She went in The Stool. No messing.  Looked like a drowned rat when she came out. And the thing is, we all love Uncle Hugo round here”.

“And it’s not just the wemmin by the way”, he continued. “Men can go in the ducking stool. We’re very modern that way. Lucksee, just last week John Joe Quinn from the Ballygillen Road went in The Stool for having bandy legs. Everyone agreed they were fed up lookin’ at them. Up and down he went. Three times. Mighty”.

Reilly, off to catch her dinner

But controversial Ardboe man Hugh Loughran thinks it’s time for the practice to be stopped.

“I’m fed up with it. You should see the crowds. They’re mad for it. Out in their thousands. It’s like Philomena’s turned up. This ducking business is out of date. If people want entertainment why can’t they just do a local Strictly Come Dancing, same as everyone else?”

Questioned whether or not witch-ducking was a practice that belonged in another century, O’Neill was quick to respond.

“We’re not savages you know. Nobody gets drownded. Calm yerself. We always make sure they’re safely strapped in when we send them to the bottom of the freezing Lough waters. We’re very health and safety conscious round here. They always get a towel when they come out. It’s a bit like water boarding combined with a trip down the water slide at Dungannon Leisure Centre. And probably just as cold”.

Maureen Reilly, a self-confessed witch from Ruskey Road, said,

“I’d be devastated if they took The Stool away. It’s the only way I can get cheap eels as long as I’m quick. It’s part of the way of life round here. You can feck off with yer mobility phones and yer teleradios. Leave the stool alone. They’ll be wanting to outlaw our iron maiden next. Jaysus”.

In other news, Donaghmore is expected to outlaw tickle torture next year.

Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.

Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.

“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”

Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:

“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”

The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.

 

County’s Youth To Turn Wrath Towards Bieber, Banks, Bono, Piers Morgan And Derry After Thatcher/Paisley Era

Outsider Bono

Outsider Bono at 14-1

A county referendum has been called for late 2014 after youths admitted to feeling a bit lost and confused since yesterday’s news that the Reverend Ian Paisley had passed on to his eternal reward.

With Thatcher, Paisley and Rangers FC out of the picture, many young nationalists are now turning their attention to international celebrities for an outlet to vent anger and rage, much to the disappointment of the older generation who claim there is still plenty of home talent to target. Chairperson of the Tyrone Youth Committee Malachy Bradley announced there will be a county-wide vote before Christmas to decide who will take on the role of hate figure for today’s teenagers:

“Yes, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to see our young ones walking about without a care in the world. They’re just graffiting their own names and stuff. We need to decide quickly on the next hate figure before we’ve lost them completely to apathy.”

A straw poll this morning in Cookstown saw a number of names emerge from the international celebrity circuit including Justin Bieber and Piers Morgan with only a few identifying Pat Kenny and Mrs Brown as possible targets. Bradley maintains it doesn’t have to be a case of looking beyond our own shores:

“County Derry is always there. Back in the 50s we used to write all kinds of stuff on walls about Draperstown and Ballinderry people. Then there’s always the safe option of Brolly or Spillane. We need to think carefully about this. The banks are too obvious and a poor price anyway at 5-1 each way.”

Other high profile candidates include Willie Frazer, the midges around Lough Neagh, Louis Walsh, traffic wardens and Ryanair who are 3-1f in Toals Bookmakers.

Ardboe On High Alert After Local Man Upsets Two Religious Group In Ten Minutes

Penny chews

Penny chews

Ardboe officials were said to be ‘preparing for the worst’ after local footballer Timothy McGuckian mistakenly upset two different religious groups whilst shopping in the Spar for wheaten bread and a litre of milk. Sandbags and GPS devices have been purchased in case a navy onslaught starts this weekend.

The unfortunate series of events began when McGuckian contemplated buying a few sweets for his grandson who was suffering from a bad cold at the time. On being offered a couple of penny chews by the shopkeeper, the ageing footballer remarked:

“Ah feck no, sure I hate chews. They’re annoyed wee buggers and you can’t get rid of them”.

Jewish Rabbi Fredrick Hughes, who happened to be purchasing a pound of mince at the time, mistook the word chew for an attack on his religion and immediately informed the PSNI as well as leaders in New York. Within three minutes of the first incident, McGuckian again managed to alienate another religious grouping after innocently commenting on a new brand of white bread made by local man and aspiring baker Sean Teague. Whilst feeling the breads on offer, the full forward remarked:

“ah no, not Teagues. I hate Teagues. They charge ye through the roof for a heap of dung.”

Unfortunately Fr Quinn, thinking this was an attack on his fellow worshippers, or taigs as they are referred to by non-catholics, overheard the remark and immediately ex-communicated Timothy and anyone related to him.

The Vatican are reportedly considering issuing a Papal Bull, allowing neighbouring townlands of Ballymaguigan and Moortown the religious freedom to invade Ardboe and ‘drive the heathens into the Lough’ according to a spokesman for Pope Francis. Ardboe retaliated with a promise that the area isn’t into the racism at all and it was simply a dialectal confusion. He added that there was ‘no money in racism anyway’.

Embarrassment As Ardboe Man Accidentally Buys Own House On Internet

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A lack of communication between a husband and wife in Ardboe resulted in a man successfully purchasing his own house on the internet.

Gerard and Patricia Cush had been considering down-sizing their home in Ardboe to something smaller in the nearby vicinity, when 56-year old Gerard Cush made a bid after spotting what he believed was the house of his dreams advertised on-line. However, the ‘property of a lifetime’ he had unwittingly stumbled upon was actually his own house that his wife had added to the intranet the day before.

“I saw this deadly house for sale in the ‘much sought-after up-and-coming west end of Ardboe’”, said Cush. “ Well, I didn’t know where that was, but it sounded quare”. He went on to explain how he was caught out because there were no exterior photographs of the property. “Aye, Pat’s no fool. She put in the ad that internal viewing was recommended, because to be frank the house looks feckin’ awful from the outside. The house is gradually subsiding into the Lough. We’ve practically got ducks swimming around the bed. So you see I only saw the inside photos”.

Dream property, by the lough shore

Dream property, by the lough shore

He went on, “But even then, I didn’t recognise the place. Jays, the wife had done some amount of tidying up. Last time I saw the kitchen work surface as clean as that was the day it went in. And the bathroom looked amazin’ hi. She must have got rid of that big pile of toe nail clippings that was on the windowsill. To be fair it was starting to block out the sunlight. And I never even knew the toilet was white until I saw them photos. It was glistening”.

Patricia admitted that she had to take some considerable licence when describing the property.

“Well ,that’s as maybe, but it doesn’t forgive that buck eejit from buying his own damn house. Clean work surface in the kitchen? What does he know about it? He never goes in there. Anyway, I suppose I did go over the top a bit, but that’s what everyone does”. She went on, “I had said it had four bedrooms, even although the fourth one is really the airing cupboard. Quite a small one at that. And ‘genuine water feature’ was probably taking things a bit far with all that water from the lough bubbling in through the aerial socket in the living room. Some handlin’. This whole thing’s been a complete shambles from beginning to end to be honest. In fact, a bit like our house”, she said.

A rueful Mr Cush said,

“I paid a non-refundable deposit to the website of £2,500. The advert said it was a dream home. I wish I could bloody wake up now”.

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