An eminent Coalisland doctor has revealed blood tests confirm that up to 100 Derrytresk folk have started to show fish-like characteristics such as scaliness, excess pouting as well as casually eating worms and maggots.
The latest developments follow on from a nightmare fortnight for the beleaguered East Tyrone residents, after over 9 feet of rain fell every day since November 20th. Sightings of blue whales and cruise ships have yet to be confirmed as a 4 mile radius remains underwater today.
Local historian and cultural enthusiast Mr E Campbell admitted there has definitely been a shape-shift amongst residents of the general Derrytresk area since the recent bout of exceptionally heavy rain.
“There has been a visible change this time alright. I think our DNA down here has been gradually warped with the continuous retention of surface water, and the doctor’s tests confirmed we are almost mermaids and whatever the male equivalent of that is. You see people flapping about all the time now.”
Dr McKinney, who has been treating Derrytreskonians since 1956, is adamant that there’s no stopping the recent developments:
“I’ve always said the Derrytresk ones were cold-blooded and slippery in the metaphorical sense. But now it’s literally and physically true. I had a Hill woman in last week and she started pouting like mad. I thought it was some kind of romantic manoeuvre so I pretended to be sick myself and got rid of her.”
Meanwhile, the Lough Neagh Conservation Group have warned Asian tourists that they will shoot on sight anyone attempting to sail into Coalisland from Liverpool via the Bann, Lough Neagh and the newly formed Derrytresk Waterway.
Want-away Liverpool winger Raheem Sterling is said to be veering towards a move to Dungannon Swifts after it emerged that the Northern Ireland Fly Fishing Association are to run trials at the Dungannon Park lake this month.
An avid fly-fisher, Sterling is reportedly seething after he was overlooked for the England fly-fishing team for the international championships later in the summer. Insiders claim he points the finger firmly at his manager Brendan Rodgers who refused to allow him to leave training early the day of the English trials.
Sterling, who has played 16 times for the England soccer team, is also said to be impressed at the new statue erection in Pomeroy ‘The Lady and the Lark‘ and sees this as a chance to settle down and have children who’ll be immersed in such local culture.
Close friend Joshua Bolt added:
“There are just so many signs now pointing towards the Swifts. The new statue in Pomeroy, the fly fishing trials, the copious parking space in the town, the vibrant anti-social element, Woolworths, the close proximity to the culturally diverse Moygashel. If there is a God, he wants Raheem at Stangmore Park, running up and down that wing against the likes of Ballinamallard. The stuff of dreams really.”
Dungannon Swifts PR trainee Jack Alad admitted the club were not sure whether to give Sterling the green light or not:
“I think this Raheem boy is reading all the great stuff about Dungannon but he needs maybe to stay a night or two over here. We’ve had them dodgy door-to-door pillow sellers recently and then the boxing session outside the Fort last week. It’s not paradise completely and maybe the Raheem boy is listening to the wrong advisers.”
Meanwhile, Sterling’s agent has tabled a motion to re-name Dungannon if he does sign for the Swifts, due to the word ‘dung’ being at the start of the name and the stick he’ll get from his England team-mates. The transfer fee is reportedly around the £50m mark and a free feed in Viscounts.