Monthly Archives: April 2016
Smug Brackaville Man Was Still Using Snow Chains On Tyres
A 49-year old Brackaville man was described as ‘cocky’ and ‘unbearable’ after his Renault Scenic repeatedly scorched through Coalisland yesterday morning after a sharp snowstorm covered the east Tyrone town, still using the snow chains he put on in December.
Teddy McGuinness, who works as a part-time traffic light inspector, is also suspected of spraying ‘who’s laughing now, yiz wankers‘ on the side wall of a prominent Coalisland pub overnight.
McGuinness’ one-time friend and fellow train enthusiast Leo Maguire admitted it’ll be hard to ignored the smug demeanour of the Brackaville man:
“To be fair to him, he’s been shipping some stick for months now over his refusal to take off the snow chains from his motor and tractor too. He even drove to Dublin at the weekend to the game on the snow chains and was getting some expletive comments from passers-by on the M1. He kept saying ‘it’s coming, yiz wankers‘ but we would just laugh him out of it, especially as it was approaching May.”
After the snow fell, McGuinness reportedly sped through the town over 20 times on Thursday morning, running errands for neighbours as well as strangers, manically driving over kerbs to avoid traffic jams due to the adverse conditions and beeping at anyone showing hesitancy. Maguire confirmed:
“He was in some form in the Central Bar last night, sitting there with a big cocky head on him, making stupid snow jokes about everything anyone said. I’m convinced it was him who wrote that stuff on the side of the pub wall too. He’s always calling people wankers.”
It was reported that McGuinness finally took off the snow chains this morning from his Renault and Massey Ferguson and has taken to applying factor 50 coconut suntan lotion in preparation for the heatwave some time in the near future, despite serious slagging from locals already.
Ronan O’Neill’s Dance Celebration Sparks Fears Of Summer Of Line-Dancing/Twerking Etc
Fears that Croke Park and Clones will become awash with dance-inspired celebrations this summer were realised today in Dublin after Ronan O’Neill performed a ‘Dab’ which involves tucking your head into your elbow whilst leaving your other hand pointing up at a 45 degree angle, after his crucial second half goal.
The Dab, which has been performed by many sports stars across the planet, is reportedly only the first in a line of unusual dance-inspired celebrations already being secretly practised at Tyrone’s state-of-the-art training ground in Garvaghey, after Mickey Harte goes home from training.
A Tyrone squad insider told us:
“If you think that was bad, count your blessings that Conor McAliskey didn’t score that volley he attempted. I’ve seen his celebration. It involves twerking in front of the goalkeeper and it isn’t a great sight. I can see him getting a few kicks up that hole of his, but not before he has inflicted his routine on the rest of us viewing public.”
Additionally, it appears that Darren McCurry has perfected the Gangnam Style dance for any goals, which sees him practically prancing around Croke Park in a horse-trot. Sources claim that the Tyrone backroom staff are worried about quick kick-outs if McCurry does find the net as the Edendork man may only be halfway through his routine at that time.
Our source added:
“Colm Cavanagh has mastered a line-dancing number with his brother Sean but the odds of that dance being seen in the championship are minimal for the foreseeable future given Colm’s defensive responsibilities.”
Fortunately, Harte is unaware of the current craze and reportedly thought O’Neill was just shy after hearing the crowd cheering for his goal, thereby hiding his face.
Further reports indicate that Owen Mulligan is flat out training in order to force his way into Harte’s plans. Close friends indicate that he swears he has ‘rakes of dance moves’ lined up, some of which may need a parental guidance warning. He is also reportedly looking into backdating some of the celebrations for great goals he scored earlier in his career.
Strabane Rioter Qualifies For Irish Olympic Javelin Team
John Hinney, a well known Strabane rioter who comes from a long line of Hinney insurgents, has qualified for Rio after launching his homemade javelin 83.5m from one side of the River Mourne to the other in a fit of bad temper.
Hinney, who lists ‘throwing rubble at the Brits in the 80s’ as a previous pastime, will fly out to Brazil at the end of July after spending two months at a high altitude training camp in the Sperrins. Olympic officials confirmed that the Spout Road man had reached the qualifying distance of 83m although the Irish Athletics Association have refused to recognise the distance as an Irish record due to a ferocious wind factor on the day. The official Irish record still stands as 82.75m.
“I’ve been practising in my field since the London Olympics but couldn’t get over 40m. My mother had been watching me and gave me the best pep talk ever. She said to just pretend there are a pile of Brits in the distance in their Land Rovers giving me the fingers and singing God Save the Queen and stuff like that. All of a sudden I was hitting over 70m regularly so it was only a matter of time.”
The magical 83m distance was achieved yesterday when Hinney’s uncle Tomas Kennedy was spotted on the other side of the River Mourne whistling Rule Britannia in a deliberate ploy to rile the 44-year old Strabane man.
“I lost the head completely and fired my home-made javelin over the river at him. Luckily it was caught on camera and using digital technology it was confirmed as 83.5m. Unfortunately, my uncle is in intensive care and I hope he pulls through before Rio.”
The Irish Athletics Association are looking into scheduling Hinney’s Olympic throw at the same time as the Rowing medals are dished out, in the hope that God Save the Queen is belting out as he makes his first throw.
Major Artistic Differences After Grimes/McKee Awarded Clinton/Lewinsky Film Roles
Tensions between comedy duo Conor Grimes and Alan McKee are said to be simmering after the pair again failed to come to an agreement over who will play who in the 2-character film based on the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky relationship of the 1990s, called ‘Holy Smokes, Bill!’.
McKee, who maintains Grimes looks most like the White House intern Lewinsky due to his shapely physique, is adamant that the £33m film will not go ahead if he doesn’t play the former US president:
“I don’t care about the money. Coming from Coleraine, me playing an esteemed world figure is more credible than someone from the backwoods of Tyrone. Also, I’m a dab hand at handling cigars, unlike my clean-living friend from Donaghmore.”
However Grimes, who has reportedly spent the £1m advance on a spoiler for his Vectra as well as generous donations to his local Church and a slap-up meal in the Cohannon Inn, remains steadfast in his refusal to take one for the team and play 42-year old Californian:
“McKee is being a dick about this. I’ve seen him in a blue dress and he looks the part. He’s claiming the beard is a stumbling block but sure maybe it could be a metaphor or something. To paraphrase the great man himself, ‘I will have sexual relations with that woman!’.”
The pair, who are currently performing in The History of the Peace…Accordin’ to my Ma!, have been given another seven days to settle on their roles before the offer is withdrawn.
Meanwhile, Hollywood directors are currently looking producing a film based on Owen Mulligan’s life so far with auditions beginning on Monday. Mulligan himself was refused a run-out to play himself after a high profile incident in Las Vegas this week involving a slot machine, a goat and a bit of blue piping.
Tyrone School’s Pupils Pretended They Had Rich Parents To Avoid Free School Meals
Pupils have finally admitted in an East Tyrone Primary School that their standard of cuisine had become so unbearable it forced over half the school’s intake to pretend their parents were doctors and lawyers in order to avoid having to devour the free school meals on offer.
Knocknaman P.S in Derrynahacken were recently inspected by ETI afters suspicions were raised when only 13 pupils were spotted in the canteen eating their dinner during an impromptu inspectorate visit in 2015, despite the school having an enrolment of 590 children.
Chief Inspector Henrietta Walsh finally got to the bottom of the problem after she caught over 30 children eating berries from a tree behind the jotter incinerator:
“We knew something was up. This is a very rural area with high levels of unemployment and to see only a dozen children qualifying for free school meals was a bit puzzling. After I caught the berry eaters red-handed, they spilled the beans. One child, who forged parental documents claiming is father worked for NASA and his mother a professional footballer, was eating grass and a sachet of red sauce. All this to avoid free school meals.”
Walsh and her team subsequently issued a damning report on the canteen menu. Four out of the five days saw a one-choice dinner menu of liver and chips with an option of beans or no beans. One member of the inspection team claimed he received the same deformed three-pronged chip on his plate two days running.
“The choice of dessert was similarly disappointing. There wasn’t a choice. It was chocolate semolina with plums for five days a week. I fully understood the children’s forgery.”
The Knocknaman headmaster Master Hughes reportedly chased the Inspectorate Team, claiming locals had been brought up on semolina and plums since 1962 at the school and there had been no complaints until now.
Fear Of East Tyrone Influx Sees Omagh Schools Trial Accent Tests
Omagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.
And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.
An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:
“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”
A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.
This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.
Panama Papers Reveal Seven Tyrone Millionaires Selling Pallets
The infamous Panama papers, documents which show the many ways in which the rich can exploit secretive offshore tax regimes, have identified over half a dozen Tyrone millionaires, all of whom made their fortune selling pallets.
Having identified on these pages the money which can be garnered selling the small wooden structural foundation of a unit load which allows handling and storage efficiencies a couple of years ago, the news comes as no surprise to many in the county with many others promising to look into offshore tax havens for their own ventures.
Dromore water-filter merchant Danny Devine admitted he’s now thinking of opening an account in the Isle of Man:
“I’ve a lock of pound built up from the water-filter craze in the 80s and have often been worried about ones from Trillick stealing it so I’ve decided to put my assets offshore to defend them from raids by them crooks.”
Financial advisors in the county have asked farmers and other rich citizens to think hard about investing their money outside the county as the knock-on effect within their own communities could be devastating.
Money guru Johnny Monroe advised:
“These boys making money from pallets are multi-millionaires. I’ve heard some in the county debating about opening an account in the British Virgin Islands and all they have is £200 from selling a car. People are hysterical now. You’d be best spending it in Sally’s and a pastie bap afterwards.”
Meanwhile, Barry McElduff has yet to deny he’s one of the Panama Seven despite driving around Carrickmore in a new Ford with a spoiler and wearing sunglasses and stuff like that.