Trusty semolina and plums

Pupils have finally admitted in an East Tyrone Primary School that their standard of cuisine had become so unbearable it forced over half the school’s intake to pretend their parents were doctors and lawyers in order to avoid having to devour the free school meals on offer.

Knocknaman P.S in Derrynahacken were recently inspected by ETI afters suspicions were raised when only 13 pupils were spotted in the canteen eating their dinner during an impromptu inspectorate visit in 2015, despite the school having an enrolment of 590 children.

Chief Inspector Henrietta Walsh finally got to the bottom of the problem after she caught over 30 children eating berries from a tree behind the jotter incinerator:

“We knew something was up. This is a very rural area with high levels of unemployment and to see only a dozen children qualifying for free school meals was a bit puzzling. After I caught the berry eaters red-handed, they spilled the beans. One child, who forged parental documents claiming is father worked for NASA and his mother a professional footballer, was eating grass and a sachet of red sauce. All this to avoid free school meals.”

Walsh and her team subsequently issued a damning report on the canteen menu. Four out of the five days saw a one-choice dinner menu of liver and chips with an option of beans or no beans. One member of the inspection team claimed he received the same deformed three-pronged chip on his plate two days running.

Walsh added:

“The choice of dessert was similarly disappointing. There wasn’t a choice. It was chocolate semolina with plums for five days a week. I fully understood the children’s forgery.”

The Knocknaman headmaster Master Hughes reportedly chased the Inspectorate Team, claiming locals had been brought up on semolina and plums since 1962 at the school and there had been no complaints until now.