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20’000 Attend Party For Parents As Children Return To School

04-45An estimated 19’800 parents from all over the county attended an open air drinking session at 10am near the Ballygawley roundabout as thousands of children returned to school after another wet, wild and windy summer holiday period.

Police confirmed that no arrests were made at the impromptu get-together as children were informed by head masters to walk home from school due to lack of sober drivers.

Paddy McCourt, a father of four primary school children, explained:

“Someone put up on Facebook this morning about having a bottle of Buckfast at the roundabout after dropping the children off and before long the place was hiving with hundreds of ecstatic parents. Don’t get me wrong, I like my children alright but I couldn’t do one more day of separating them after another fight over the charger for an iPad. And there’s only so many times you can head to an overclouded Barrys in Portrush or visit the granny in Dungannon.”

Conversely, Ballygawley teacher Harry Quinn was reprimanded by his school governors for being photographed drinking with the revellers, despite supposedly being back to work today.  Quinn, who also has four children at primary school age, was described as ‘screaming and shouting like a mad man’ as he was pulled away from the party by several colleagues from the local school.

Meanwhile a P6 boy was sent home from St Malachy’s in Moygashel after he wrote a 2-sentence reply to the ice-breaker exercise of ‘What did you do over the summer?’. Head teacher Mrs Fullerton insisted that “Nothing. Sure wasn’t the weather shit” was not an acceptable reply.

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Tyrone School’s Pupils Pretended They Had Rich Parents To Avoid Free School Meals

Trusty semolina and plums

Trusty semolina and plums

Pupils have finally admitted in an East Tyrone Primary School that their standard of cuisine had become so unbearable it forced over half the school’s intake to pretend their parents were doctors and lawyers in order to avoid having to devour the free school meals on offer.

Knocknaman P.S in Derrynahacken were recently inspected by ETI afters suspicions were raised when only 13 pupils were spotted in the canteen eating their dinner during an impromptu inspectorate visit in 2015, despite the school having an enrolment of 590 children.

Chief Inspector Henrietta Walsh finally got to the bottom of the problem after she caught over 30 children eating berries from a tree behind the jotter incinerator:

“We knew something was up. This is a very rural area with high levels of unemployment and to see only a dozen children qualifying for free school meals was a bit puzzling. After I caught the berry eaters red-handed, they spilled the beans. One child, who forged parental documents claiming is father worked for NASA and his mother a professional footballer, was eating grass and a sachet of red sauce. All this to avoid free school meals.”

Walsh and her team subsequently issued a damning report on the canteen menu. Four out of the five days saw a one-choice dinner menu of liver and chips with an option of beans or no beans. One member of the inspection team claimed he received the same deformed three-pronged chip on his plate two days running.

Walsh added:

“The choice of dessert was similarly disappointing. There wasn’t a choice. It was chocolate semolina with plums for five days a week. I fully understood the children’s forgery.”

The Knocknaman headmaster Master Hughes reportedly chased the Inspectorate Team, claiming locals had been brought up on semolina and plums since 1962 at the school and there had been no complaints until now.

Would-Be Airline Pilot Sacked As Moy School Bus Driver Two Days Into The Job

Sort of like this

Sort of like this

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A frustrated school bus driver who failed to qualify as a commercial airline pilot has been sacked from his school bus driving job after only two days.

Barney ‘Doors to Manual’ Corrigan was told by the Dungannon Education Authority on Tuesday evening not to return to his post after repeatedly compromising the safety and security of the passengers in his care, most of whom were pupils at Clonless Primary School near the Moy.

Sacked only two days after pupils returned to school at the start of this week, Corrigan confessed to driving at speeds over 80 mph, but offered no explanation for the dangerous and erratic behaviour.

“I know what the bollix was trying to do. He was trying to take off, that’s what”, said irate mother-of-two Sheila Donegan. “Some of them roads is fine for 80 miles an hour, but Jaysus, he was doin’ it going up the feckin’ school driveway. The kids were terrified. It was like that fillum with Keanu Reeves and the bus. What was it? Edward Scissorhands? And my cub said that he kept giving out weather reports and estimated time of arrival. What’s that about? The school’s less than two miles away. If it’s pissin’ with rain here, it’ll be pissin’ with rain there”.

Defending his position, Corrigan said,

“I was just trying to get everyone to school quickly like. You try driving a bus with that lot on it. It was cat. My ears are still ringing from the screams of terror. On Tuesday I had one of them blubbin’ his head off because he was havin’ to go back to school, and then he went and soiled himself. And that was one of the teachers. The weeans were worse. How am I supposed to drive down the runway with that going on? Road. I meant road”.

The pupils also alleged that Corrigan told them it was a ‘no-frills’ bus and charged them 10 pence each for their own packed lunches. Corrigan has since demanded back from the school his two ping pong bats that he insisted the headmaster use to guide his bus into its parking space.

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