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Farmers Accused Of Using Instagram Filters To Make Cattle Look More Attractive Online

u-s-authorities-reported-countrys-first-case-mad-cow-disease-six-years-tuesday-swiftly-600x411Buyers have been warned not to trust cattle mart websites as social media watchdogs confirmed that dozens of farmers are using unnnatural filters to make their produce more pleasing on the eye. Additionally, it is alledged that specialist bovine make-up is being applied to cows at weekly cattle sales in Dungannon. 

Manmade filters such as ‘Amaro’, ‘Valencia’ and ‘Nashville’ appear to be farmers’ unnatural favourites to employ on a rangle of cattle accroding to agricultural media-watcher Kelly Quinn from Cappagh:

“I knew something wasn’t right when I saw a picture of a Friesian heifer ready for bulling, looking like as if it was photographed at sunset even though the sky was quite obviously high in the sky. The sunset filter had been used and, to me, this is false advertising. How disappointed the bull must have been when they met in the flesh.”

Futhermore, reports of cattle with make-up streaming from their faces during wet days at the market in Dungannon have enraged purists from the area. 86-year old Charolais bull specialist admitted he fears the worst the next time he attends the market:

“What’s next? Heifers in petticoats? The world’s gone mad.”

Meanwhile, a traffic jam at the Ballygawley roundabout this morning was caused by two camels mating on the road. Local tradition dictates that it’s bad luck to interrupt such a session.

Squad Of Tyrone Brickies, Sparks And Plasterers Head To Buckingham Palace In Transit Van

transitFollowing the news that Buckingham Palace is to receive a £350m refurbishment, a white Ford Transit van has been seen heading off the Ballygawley roundabout today towards the direction of Dublin and probably eventually to Holyhead.

Eyewitnesses state that over 20 men were bundled into the back of the van which appeared to come with a food rack, plylined to increase carriage of plaster boards & tools, extra deadlocks on the side and back doors, probably just serviced with a new clutch and rear brakes making it a reliable work-horse.

Although a request for tenders has yet to be formally structured, a friend of the driver believes they should have no bother getting the gig. Ballygawley native Pamela McCann maintains the area has a rich history in contributing to world-renowned structures:

“Yes, the Ballygawley/Glencull area is hiving with talented tradesmen. It’s not well known but lads from here helped to build the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China as well as the Great Barrier Reef. It comes as no surprise that the Queen of England turned to here for help. Fair play to her – up to now I though she was an oul bag.”

The van, which was described as having a middlin suspension, was spotted in Navan at a service station with many of the men buying The Daily Star, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a Mars Bar.

20’000 Attend Party For Parents As Children Return To School

04-45An estimated 19’800 parents from all over the county attended an open air drinking session at 10am near the Ballygawley roundabout as thousands of children returned to school after another wet, wild and windy summer holiday period.

Police confirmed that no arrests were made at the impromptu get-together as children were informed by head masters to walk home from school due to lack of sober drivers.

Paddy McCourt, a father of four primary school children, explained:

“Someone put up on Facebook this morning about having a bottle of Buckfast at the roundabout after dropping the children off and before long the place was hiving with hundreds of ecstatic parents. Don’t get me wrong, I like my children alright but I couldn’t do one more day of separating them after another fight over the charger for an iPad. And there’s only so many times you can head to an overclouded Barrys in Portrush or visit the granny in Dungannon.”

Conversely, Ballygawley teacher Harry Quinn was reprimanded by his school governors for being photographed drinking with the revellers, despite supposedly being back to work today.  Quinn, who also has four children at primary school age, was described as ‘screaming and shouting like a mad man’ as he was pulled away from the party by several colleagues from the local school.

Meanwhile a P6 boy was sent home from St Malachy’s in Moygashel after he wrote a 2-sentence reply to the ice-breaker exercise of ‘What did you do over the summer?’. Head teacher Mrs Fullerton insisted that “Nothing. Sure wasn’t the weather shit” was not an acceptable reply.

Uproar In Seskinore Over Reclassification Of Ballygawley As A Town

The Town

The Town

Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.

Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.

Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:

“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”

Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:

“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”

Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:

  • Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
  • Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
  • Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
  • Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
  • Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
  • Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
  • To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town

McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.

 

Malachy O’Rourke’s Bin Not Collected In Ballygawley After Latest Wave Of Pre-Match Intimidation

O'Rourke's bin

O’Rourke’s bin

Malachy O’Rourke was said to be furious this morning after his bin remained full to the brim despite a Thursday morning collection in the Ballygawley area.

This follows a spate of unusual incidents for the Monaghan manager living in Tyrone territory including the half a litre of his 2-litre milk delivery which was already drunk before he got up on Tuesday morning. O’Rourke also chased three teenagers who were rifling through his recycling bin on Monday apparently looking for shredded pieces of tactics and team notes.

A neighbour and close friend of the burly multi-countied manager and ex-player added:

“I warned Malachy about living down around these parts. These Tyrone ones will stop at nothing. I think the bin not being emptied was a big thing for him. He’d ate a lot of steaks and them wrappers from the butcher can stick like mad to the sides of the bin and then attract maggots. And he’s deadly for the Biker crisps, the spicy ones, so rubbish can fairly build up in a fortnight and he’ll have to wait til the end of August now. He’s livid.”

Locals also confirmed an incident on Wednesday evening when O’Rourke spent 45 minutes driving around the Ballygawley roundabout as cars refused to let him turn off onto the road to his house. The Monaghan boss reportedly had to sit down for two hours with dizziness before tackling his steak.

The O’Rourke family spokesman denied the rumour that a man with a Mickey Harte mask was spotted looking through Malachy’s bedroom window this morning at 6am but added a bouncer was being hired for the rest of the week.

Tyrone PSNI Plan ‘Best Staff Christmas Party Ever’ On Funds From Ballygawley Speed Camera

338-0801202454-cops-drunk-policeA Tyrone pub have confirmed they received a booking under the codename ‘The Police’ for 300 people in December, opting for the Premium Service Package (£30’000) which includes male strippers, massive German pint glasses and a live performance from a local country and western star. £35’220 was collected from the Ballygawley roundabout camera in 2014 with the promise of a few more pounds before Christmas.

Jordan’s Pub in Eglish will be packed to the rafters after owner Fonzie Jordan accepted the booking with a heavy heart as he himself was caught doing 32 in the 30mph zone last month:

“No one ever bought the Premium Service Package before so it was hard to turn down. It’ll set us up for a few months so I’ll have to bite my lip. But, 32 mph like. They’re a bunch of thieving cowboys. £60 I forked out as did everyone else in that line of motors. There must’ve been about 35 of us all travelling at that speed. I hope their sprouts aren’t too hard”

remarked Jordan with a wink and a smudge of a smile.

Jordan admitted this was not the first mass booking the pub has received in the last five years.

“a lock of years ago the Tyrone County GAA Board booked the Silver Service Package for 56 people which includes female strippers, free nuts for the tables and scented toilet freshener tablets. That put them back £24’000 which coincidentally matched the gate receipts from all club games that year. They had some craic that night and the chairman and all were wearing gold crowns and laughing at the ordinary people in the quiet bar.”

Jordan is also asking for ‘Sting’ from ‘The Police’ to phone back as soon as possible with their menu choices.

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