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Squad Of Tyrone Brickies, Sparks And Plasterers Head To Buckingham Palace In Transit Van

transitFollowing the news that Buckingham Palace is to receive a £350m refurbishment, a white Ford Transit van has been seen heading off the Ballygawley roundabout today towards the direction of Dublin and probably eventually to Holyhead.

Eyewitnesses state that over 20 men were bundled into the back of the van which appeared to come with a food rack, plylined to increase carriage of plaster boards & tools, extra deadlocks on the side and back doors, probably just serviced with a new clutch and rear brakes making it a reliable work-horse.

Although a request for tenders has yet to be formally structured, a friend of the driver believes they should have no bother getting the gig. Ballygawley native Pamela McCann maintains the area has a rich history in contributing to world-renowned structures:

“Yes, the Ballygawley/Glencull area is hiving with talented tradesmen. It’s not well known but lads from here helped to build the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China as well as the Great Barrier Reef. It comes as no surprise that the Queen of England turned to here for help. Fair play to her – up to now I though she was an oul bag.”

The van, which was described as having a middlin suspension, was spotted in Navan at a service station with many of the men buying The Daily Star, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a Mars Bar.

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Drain Expert Says There’s Nothing Wrong With Harte’s Drains

istock_000007218425small.jpgDrainage expert Noel Donnelly from Ballygawley has confirmed he can find no problem in the drains around Glencull or Garvaghey, believing that a good rodding would sort out any of the Tyrone manager’s drainage predicaments.

Harte, who controversially spoke about drains this week, was unavailable for comment.

Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly revealed he dug up over 100 drains in the last two days since Harte’s comments, admitting he’s prepared to fix any of Mickey’s drains for free such is his admiration for the multiple All-Ireland winning ex-teacher:

“It’s a head scratcher. I’ve rodded, prodded, jetted, CCTV’d, cut roots, dye-tested, traced, gassed, lined and excavated nearly every drain that Harte might be using, even up at the pitches in Garvaghey. They all seem to be ok. I suggest Mickey just uses a coat-hanger the next time his drains are playing up and stop wasting my time.”

Donnelly also revealed he checked all the drains around Ardboe as there was a suggestion that locals on the shore might be suffering from the same problem as the Ballygawley ones. Again, The Drain was at a loss to explain the rumours:

“You can normally tell if drains are playing up by the smell and the way people are walking in the affected area. As far as I can tell, Ardboe smells just the same. Anyway, a lot of people along the shore do their business in the Lough, as per tradition. They’re very traditional people down there.”

Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly can be contacted on noelthedraindonnelly@draindrain.com

Video Tape Found In Attic Confirms Canavan Probably Over 70

Canavan, probably 63 here.

Canavan, probably 63 here.

A derelict house in Ballygawley has become a hive of activity after demolishers found a brown box of VHS tapes dating as far back as 1950, depicting life in and around the general Glencull area.

In particular, one cassette appears to confirm that former All-Star Peter Canavan is well into his 70s and not 44 as stated on his Wikipedia page.

Local historian and former train driver Joseph McAleer maintains the revelation only confirms what many locals have suspected for many years:

“Not a lot of things were actually written down or recorded in Ballygawley before 1990 but quite a few of the older generation were sure that Canavan had been knocking around the area since the late 1940s. Former club manager Kenny McGarrity, who managed the club throughout the 60s, is sure he played Canavan at full forward on over 100 occasions but had no photographic proof. Well, this video tape from a sports day in 1959 surely shows a 15-year old Canavan playing for Glencull.”

If confirmed, Tyrone’s U21 titles in 1991 and 1992 may be declared void as Canavan was probably about 46-47 then. Remarkably, Canavan now appears to have won his final All-Ireland title at the grand old age of 60 in 2005.

Omagh shopkeeper and avid GAA fan Paul Hurson is not surprised at the findings:

“I don’t understand how anyone can be shocked at this. Sure he was sucking away on the inhaler in the 1990s when he was well into his 50s it seems now. He was probably riddled with arthritis and still tortured Derry. A bad wetting could have finished him off at that age. We should admire him even more now.”

Cameroon’s Roger Milla, who played for his country in the 1990 World Cup at the age of 53 disguised as 33, was unavailable for comment as was Canavan.

Canavan May Undergo Extreme Make-Over For Sky TV

Artist's Impression

Artist’s Impression of Post Nip & Tuck Canavan

After Sky Sports revealed their on-screen line-up for its coverage of this year’s Gaelic football and hurling championships, which features GAA legends Peter Canavan and Jamesie O’Connor, a top image consultant in London confirmed a Ballygawley man has booked in for a weekend session at the end of the month.

Dr Barry King, who has also looked after high profile Premier League footballers and Hollywood superstars, confirmed his client had ‘a fair bit to do’ in order to compete with other Sky Sports analysts such as Jamie Redknapp. Having Googled images of the newest member of the Sky Sports team, Dr King added:

“There’ll be a bit of nip here and tuck there. We will be reducing the size of his mouth and eyes, ironing out the head wrinkles, pinning back his ears and maybe encouraging some form of follicle growth over a period of time.”

Dr King has also referred the mysterious Ballygawley media man to a Speech and Drama specialist from Croydon in England who will attempt to smooth out any localisms and slang.

“We’ll start off with pronunciations of the counties in Ireland. There’ll be no more ‘Trone’ or ”Slaygo’. We want more ‘it’s a funny old game’, ‘take a bow my son’ and ‘unbelieveable, Brian’. Our Glencull client will also need to attract a bevy of women who will follow him about wherever he goes, screaming and fainting.”

Meanwhile, friends of Mr Canavan have expressed fears that early dummy runs of the show have seen a marked changed in his behaviour with the former All-Star reluctant to remove the TV make-up for the rest of the week, even when out for a few pints at Quinn’s.

“We’re monitoring the situation,”

added a worried best made who walked off shaking his head and muttering something about ‘England being the ruination of the man

Peter Canavan Theme Park Set To Open 2015

Peter acting the lig

Peter acting the lig

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It was confirmed last night that a long-awaited fun park will definitely open in Tyrone next year without doubt, subject to funding, planning applications, sponsors, advertisers, environmental concerns, staffing, and demand for tickets.

‘Canavan World’, a family fun park based around the celebrated and popular GAA Tyrone footballer Peter Canavan, is the brainchild of 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional beard grower and entrepreneur from Ardboe.

“Make no mistake”, announced a bold Kerrigan, “My ambition for a project of this scale knows no bounds. Canavan World is going to be biggest thing this side of Craigavon. Aye, that big. Peter’s some boy and he deserves worldwide recognition. This park will make him more famous than Bono, Sting and His Holiness all put together”.

In a bare-faced show of audacity Kerrigan intends to base the park close to Canavan’s home town of Glencull in direct competition with the nearby Ballygawley play park.

“Fair enough, Ballygawley might have a swing and a slide and a wee bin for smokers, but I’m confident we can go head-to-head with it for the international tourist trade”, declared Kerrigan.

Leaked documents confirm that some of Kerrigan’s proposed ideas and attractions include: –

•    ‘The Peter Canavan One-Man Show’ – doesn’t involve the man himself but instead a video replay of the entire 1995 All-Ireland Final against Dublin, when Canavan scored nearly all of Tyrone’s points on his own.

•    Church of Canavan. A brand new church dedicated to Peter, blessed by the Vatican, where converts spend three hours a week praying to Vidal Sassoon, patron saint of follicles, for Peter to grow a big bushy head of luxuriant blond hair.

•    Peter Canavan Arena.  Like Las Vegas but bigger. Malachi Cush to do a 10-year residency, like the ones Elton and Celine do.  Ask Philomena to do it when Malachi wants a weekend off.

•    Premier showing of ‘The Karate Kick’. Re-make of the 1980’s movie, ‘The Karate Kid’, starring  Peter Canavan as an old Japanese man teaching Eoin Mulligan the ancient and mystical secrets of how to elbow a defender in the face without the referee seeing.

•    Peter’s Water World. The man himself re-enacts some of his greatest goals, in a tank filled with 3,000 gallons of water and a killer whale.

•    Canavan’s ‘Goal-er’ Coaster. A chance to watch Peter’s greatest points whilst travelling at speeds of up to 140mph, whilst sitting beside a cub scout who’s trying to drink orange and eat a cheeseburger.

•    Peter Canavan Circus: Featuring Hugo Duncan as the ringmaster, Mickey Harte as the lion tamer, Stephen O’Neill as the strongman, and Joe Brolly as the clown.

Volunteers wishing to get involved with the project should submit a full CV with doctor’s certificate confirming they haven’t lost their marbles, to http://www.doomed-to-fail.com

paul g moss

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