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Riot In Coalisland Between Hail Mary Fans and Our Father Supporters

People pray during a vigil for the victims of a mass shooting in Las Vegas

Tensions high between praying couple

Following the news that the Hail Mary was voted Ireland’s favourite prayer at the National Ploughing Championships last week, the PSNI were reluctantly called to attend a 300-strong riot between lovers of the Hail Mary and Our Father fans after 11am Mass in Coalisland.

Tensions began to simmer after Hail Mary supporters rolled their eyes and coughed the whole way though the Our Father before the Eucharist was dished out. Additionally, whilst lining up to receive the Host, pushing and shoving occurred at three different parts of the aisle with one elderly woman told to ‘hurry the f**k up’ by a man with rosary beads.

Parish Priest Fr Waterworth admitted he was surprised at the level of violence outside the church which spilled over into the Main Street:

“To be honest I think it’s great. I didn’t know the people of Coalisland cared that much. I’m a bit of a Hail Holy Queen man myself so I don’t really care.”

Community groups in the area are currently devising ways to settling the issue with an over-60s bare-knuckle boxing gala the current favourite idea mooted by the panel.

The Pope has refused to comment.

Travolta To Appear In Coalisland For Grease Production?

Coalisland man today

Coalisland man today

Speculation is rife this morning in Tyrone that John Travolta might be playing a major role in the Coalisland Na Fianna production of Grease in early March, according to local sources. The identity of the roles for Danny and Sandy have been kept under wraps since rehearsals began weeks ago, with many speculating on various celebs such as Dennis Taylor, Peter Kay’s mother, Damien O’Hagan, Anne Brolly and Peter Herron.

However, late last night, three Coalisland men were spotted getting into a car on Lineside and shouting about ‘headin to the airport’ and ‘yee-har’. One of the Grease backroom team admitted John Travolta was on their radar:

“To be honest I’m worried. Our first performance is Friday 7th March and we probably should have approached Travolta before now. Anyhow, we’ve sent our three best negotiators to America to convince John to head over here and give us what we want. It was hard trekking him down online on facebook and stuff so the lads said they’ll get the first flight to anywhere in America and just ask about when they get there.”

The identity of Sandy also remains a mystery with strong talk of Damien O’Hagan in drag being a possibility. Local hairdresser Jenny Timlin reckons the chemistry between Travolta and O’Hagan is mouth-watering:

“I’m weak at the knees even thinking about that possibility. There’ll be a whole lotta shaking going on. Even house in Coalisland has a picture of  JFK, the Pope and Damien O’Hagan. John and Damien singing ‘You’re The One That I Want’ in harmony would make millions if released. We’re hopelessly devoted to O’Hagan around the parts. There’ll be tears on my pillow if they don’t go together.”

Local PP Fr Hampsey warned the production team they’ll be monitoring the show closely:

“Shows like this should only be for summer nights. If Travolta shakes his hips like a hound dog and gets the wemen screaming, he’ll be put into the boot of my motor and driven to Aldergrove like lightning. Dennis Taylor too. O’Hagan can do what he wants.”

This event will take place on Friday March 7 and Saturday March 8 at 8:00 pm.

Peter Canavan Theme Park Set To Open 2015

Peter acting the lig

Peter acting the lig

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It was confirmed last night that a long-awaited fun park will definitely open in Tyrone next year without doubt, subject to funding, planning applications, sponsors, advertisers, environmental concerns, staffing, and demand for tickets.

‘Canavan World’, a family fun park based around the celebrated and popular GAA Tyrone footballer Peter Canavan, is the brainchild of 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional beard grower and entrepreneur from Ardboe.

“Make no mistake”, announced a bold Kerrigan, “My ambition for a project of this scale knows no bounds. Canavan World is going to be biggest thing this side of Craigavon. Aye, that big. Peter’s some boy and he deserves worldwide recognition. This park will make him more famous than Bono, Sting and His Holiness all put together”.

In a bare-faced show of audacity Kerrigan intends to base the park close to Canavan’s home town of Glencull in direct competition with the nearby Ballygawley play park.

“Fair enough, Ballygawley might have a swing and a slide and a wee bin for smokers, but I’m confident we can go head-to-head with it for the international tourist trade”, declared Kerrigan.

Leaked documents confirm that some of Kerrigan’s proposed ideas and attractions include: –

•    ‘The Peter Canavan One-Man Show’ – doesn’t involve the man himself but instead a video replay of the entire 1995 All-Ireland Final against Dublin, when Canavan scored nearly all of Tyrone’s points on his own.

•    Church of Canavan. A brand new church dedicated to Peter, blessed by the Vatican, where converts spend three hours a week praying to Vidal Sassoon, patron saint of follicles, for Peter to grow a big bushy head of luxuriant blond hair.

•    Peter Canavan Arena.  Like Las Vegas but bigger. Malachi Cush to do a 10-year residency, like the ones Elton and Celine do.  Ask Philomena to do it when Malachi wants a weekend off.

•    Premier showing of ‘The Karate Kick’. Re-make of the 1980’s movie, ‘The Karate Kid’, starring  Peter Canavan as an old Japanese man teaching Eoin Mulligan the ancient and mystical secrets of how to elbow a defender in the face without the referee seeing.

•    Peter’s Water World. The man himself re-enacts some of his greatest goals, in a tank filled with 3,000 gallons of water and a killer whale.

•    Canavan’s ‘Goal-er’ Coaster. A chance to watch Peter’s greatest points whilst travelling at speeds of up to 140mph, whilst sitting beside a cub scout who’s trying to drink orange and eat a cheeseburger.

•    Peter Canavan Circus: Featuring Hugo Duncan as the ringmaster, Mickey Harte as the lion tamer, Stephen O’Neill as the strongman, and Joe Brolly as the clown.

Volunteers wishing to get involved with the project should submit a full CV with doctor’s certificate confirming they haven’t lost their marbles, to http://www.doomed-to-fail.com

Pope Francis Reportedly Under Pressure To Visit the County

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His Holiness's carriage awats

His Holiness’s carriage awaits

Speculation from Rome is rife that Pope Francis feels under increasing pressure to visit the county to see what all the fuss is about.

The recent G8 Summit in Enniskillen saw presidents and prime ministers pass through Tyrone, whilst Caledon hosted a royal visit in July when Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall turned up unexpectedly. Meanwhile, pop star Andrea Begley brought publicity to Pomeroy after winning BBC’s ‘The Voice’, whilst Bono himself was apparently spotted wandering about Beragh only last month. Sources believe that the Pontiff feels he is missing out on something, and that he is now desperate to jump on a plane to visit Tyrone.

A source at the Vatican confirmed,

“Mamma Mia! El Papa eeza wanting to veezit Teerone big time, to bless-a da peeeple, and to seek an audience weetha Peta Canavan. Badda bing, badda boom”. 

Enthusiastic local priest Father Dick O’Malley of Derrytresk said,

“The Pope has said that he wants ‘a poor church for the poor’. That’s why he should start off at Stewartstown. Jaysus, them poor crayturs. Some of them haven’t even got Sky. No wonder they look miserable. They’ve never even seen an episode of ‘The Sopranos’”.

Dermott O’Malley, a part-time tightrope-stretcher from Greecastle, was just as keen.

“We have a wee ice cream van all ready that we can turn into a Popemobile when His Holiness is whizzin’ about the place. We can leave the ice cream yolk in so he can have a Mister Whippy if he gets a bit hot. Deadly. And we’ve managed to find an old poster of Maradona to put on the side of it to make him feel at home”.

However, not all locals welcomed the news.

“To be honest, I’m fed up with all thon well-knowns turning up”, said Dungannon man Peter Kerr, who runs a local newsagent. “Obama was in here looking for a copy of ‘Lady Senators Monthly’ and he got chased. And thon Charles and Camilly were worse, standing at the back of the the sweetie section gigglin’ away like weans, then running off with penny chews without paying. If His Holiness comes in here with that attitude then I certainly won’t be kissing his ring”.

Speculation regarding a papal visit increased further yesterday following easyjet’s announcement that flights from Rome to Belfast International are now as cheap as £29 including taxes.

Loughmacrory Coalman Gets Nod To Supply Coal For Vatican Smoke Signal

Cardinal Hjata throws on Loughmacrory coal.

There was much rejoicing in Loughmacrory this morning after it emerged that local coalman and animal balloon contortionist, Malachy O’Brien, has been chosen to supply the coal for the papal conclave’s fireplace today. Whilst the world watches on in anticipation for the signal, it will be Loughmacrory smoke emerging from the Sistine Chapel’s chimney which will hopefully spark a mass tourism boost for the beleaguered village.

“I’m delighted,” O’Brien told the assembled media. “I had a bad reputation a few years ago for selling that oul shite coal that burns out in seconds giving no hate (heat) at all. Now the hate is deadly. If you dig deep enough in Loughmacrory you’ll get the good stuff. Still, I didn’t expect to hear Benedict on the other side of the phone. He just asked if this was O’Brien from Loughmacrory and if I’d throw a lock of 20kg bags on a plane before they started the meeting today. I thought it was Red Loughran from up the road and started calling him all the hoors of the day. It wasn’t until I heard the distinctive German brogue coming down the phone when he threatened to ex-communicate me and all that hellish damnation stuff that I backed down and asked for forgiveness. We’ll laugh at it in years to come.”

O’Brien’s coal is burning at the moment but early reports have indicated that a couple of Cardinals have complained about the ‘deadly heat’ and that the coal was spitting a bit when a new batch is thrown on, burning small holes into an expensive furry mat they had made by slave workers in Cambodia. Loughmacrory Coals are investigating whether wetting the coal beforehand will dampen its explosive nature by doing experiments in a disused fireplace on the Drumnakilly Road.

Time Ripe For A Carrickmore Pope Says Carrickmore PP

Fr Gormley this evening

Fr Gormley this evening

Following the shock resignation of Pope Benedict today, Carrickmore PP Fr Colman Gormley (69) has gone on the offensive immediately with a series of twitter statements advocating the appointment of a Pope from the Carmen for the first time since Catholicism was invented thousands of years ago. Despite there having been no Irish Popes since St Peter got the first gig, Fr Gormley says that this should be no impediment to the drive for a Carrickmore Pope to shake up the whole Vatican movement.

“It’s about time, to be honest. We’ve had a black President of America, women prime ministers, a TV show called The Manageress in the 90s, Tyrone beating Kerry, men wearing skirts….why not a Carmen pope? Take me for example. I’m in my prime. I love pizza and at the sports day I travelled around the field standing up through the sunroof of the brother’s Mini Cooper, waving at the crowd. OK, it’d be a bit of a culture shock living in Rome but don’t forget, I did a stint in Loughmacrory in the 70s. I have big ideas too: twitter-style masses in 120 words or fewer; good looking Eucharistic Ministers; electro-dance homily music; altar boy reality shows where they are voted off by doing an average mass etc. I’m hoping to get a clipboard with pages for people to sign my petition.”

The Vatican refused to comment on Fr Gormley’s chances but did indicate that they were already in advanced negotiations with a young priest from Tattyreagh.

“It is Vatican policy not to comment on these things but Fr John Donnelly from Tattyreagh is at the top of his game. He did Stations of the Cross last year up in Glenelly in over two hours. That’s unavoidably impressive,” a member of the Holy See told us over the phone.

The Catholic Church have yet to rule out a Pope-Off mass competition at Edendork this weekend between Gormley and your man from Clonoe.

Coalisland/Clonoe Clergy Raring To Court Women

It has emerged today that the clergy in Coalisland and Clonoe are to descend on Cookstown tonight to gather vital information on how to court and woo women. Following the recent revelation that Jesus may have been married all along, the priests in the East Tyrone parishes are waiting for the green light from the Vatican to begin chasing women.

“This is great news”, Fr Niblock told us. “The news about Christ has changed everything. If it was good enough for Him, well, it’s only a matter of time before Pope Benny gives us the go-ahead to get stuck into the blades. Myself and a couple of newer priests are hitting Clubland tonight to see how it’s done. As you can imagine we’re rightly out of shape. I get very nervous if I look at a woman even from a great distance. Funny, we were practising on each other last night, chat up lines and that, and it was a disaster. We haven’t needed to approach women since we were 14 and back then you’d be acting the hard man and ask things like ‘are ye ridin?’ That won’t work now I’m sure. We all bought aftershave today.”

Ready to go on the rip

Local women in the Coalisland area welcomed the news that the local clergy will possibly provide a fresh market in what they describe as ‘cat area’ for finding a man. 22 year old Eilish Chambers pulled no punches:

“Let’s be honest. The boys in this area wouldn’t be the best now. If you’re approached by a lad from the Washingbay Road or the Stewartstown direction you can guarantee three things: He’ll smell of diesel and cattle, he’ll just grunt instead of talking like a normal human and he’ll attempt to carry you under his arm instead of hand-in-hand. I’m sick and tired of courting fellas from here who just talk of twin cams, diffing and bulling. These priests will seem like Hollywood stars. I’m sure they’ll be a bit raw at first but give them a couple of weeks and they’ll get the hang of us. I pray to God every night that the Pope gives them the nod.”

The police are on standby tonight outside the Glenavon area as a backlash is expected from single lads from the lowlands. Although the clergy will be in civvies, the Munchie Militia have issued a statement that anyone who even just looks holy will get a kicking.

 

 

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