Monthly Archives: June 2018

Healy Park Still Flooded Despite Good Spell

Kiltimagh-3Scientists from across the globe have descended on Omagh today after it emerged that despite consecutive days of over thirty degree heat, an U16 match in Healy Park had to abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch yesterday. 

With a hosepipe ban already in force, environmental boffins from as far as California and Cappagh are stumped as to how the Omagh sod remains unplayable after such a relentlessly hot period of weather.

Manager of Gortin U16s, Paddy Coyle, vented:

“Frig sake.”

Calls for the official county ground to be moved to Dungannon have increased overnight with East Tyrone Lord Mayor Ginny Campbell adamant that this was the last straw:

“There hasn’t been a dry pitch in Omagh in my living memory. That’s why the Omagh ones always have dirty legs on holidays in Portugal. You can spot them a mile away. Dungannon is the multi-cultural capital of Ireland. It’s time we won back what is rightfully ours.”

Although it’s early days for a diagnosis, scientists are pointing to a phenomenon of the ‘anti-vanishing lake’ theory as a possible explanation for the Healy Park dampness. This theory suggests that there is a permanent invisible rain cloud over the ground which also explains why Joe McMahon and Ronan O’Neill always have slick hair.

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Panic Stations As Teachers Run Out Of DVDs To Show In Class As School Summer Holidays Approach

boring_schoolTeachers across Tyrone were said to be gearing up for a raid on Nutts Corner this Sunday after hundreds of pupils complained they had already watched all their schools’ June catalogue of films several times and would rather do work instead. 

Faced with the horrendous possibility of devising lesson plans as well as marking in June, teachers from both the primary and secondary sectors have hired 33 minibuses to arrive at the county Antrim market on Sunday to annex as many previously unheard of movies through acute and effective bargaining.

A maths teacher from Ballygawley, who wished to remain anonymous, added:

“Because of Netflix and streaming, children seem to have watched everything. Last week I heard of a lad who asked to do some sums in class in Omagh because he didn’t want to watch Frozen again, and it in the middle of June. No one wants that creeping in, correcting work and stuff and it sunny outside. It’s hard enough actually teaching after Easter. “

Since this incident, students in various schools have started to post messages on social media stating they would rather learn about irregular verbs in French than sit through another two hours of Batman or E.T. .

Meanwhile, teaching union UTTUR have warned teachers that anyone buying counterfeit DVDs will be made to work from the 21st of August 2018.

Tyrone Flags To Be Banned At Tyrone Matches

YaHauAJmLoMNOAC-800x450-noPadThe GAA have decided to go on the front foot following the backlash to the arrest of a Tyrone supporter for flying a Palestinian flag in Navan at the weekend by banning the flying of Tyrone flags for their upcoming game against Carlow.

When pushed on the reasons for the new sanction, Croke Park officials cited two new rulings they thought up overnight in an underground bunker in Dublin:

Firstly, too many of the Tyrone flags have the Irish language on them. How are we going to get Arlene Foster to attend the Ulster Final when she has to look at Tyrone flags on the TV spelt out in their mother tongue? Secondly, we find the red hand offensive.

Guards in Carlow have been instructed to deploy water cannons and plastic bullets if necessary on anyone seen flying a Tyrone flag and to arrest anyone displaying the Tyrone hat, scarf or headband. They have also sounded a warning to Tyrone players not to be getting too excited when scoring and kissing the badge or something.

Meanwhile, Gardai have admitted they didn’t arrest other Palestine flag holders in Navan because they initially believed they were actually Carlow flags, and not because they eventually caught themselves on.

Cavanagh, Jordan, Devlin and Harte To Settle Differences In Charity 4-Way Cage Fight In Garvaghey

Mickey Harte consoles Philip Jordan 23/8/2009Following a spate statements and counter arguments regarding Tyrone’s style of play over the last few weeks, the county board have announced a 4-way MMA bout between giants of Tyrone GAA to be held at Garvaghey in aid of a new donkey sanctuary in Aughnacloy.

The fight, which pits two Moy men (Sean Cavanagh and Philip Jordan) up against Ballygawley’s Harte and Ardboe’s Devlin, will be televised live on Sky Sports 3 on the 31st June at 7pm.

Despite differences of opinion on the same issue between the two Moy men, it appears that they are prepared to put that aside for the sake of club loyalty and team up to face the wily experience of their former manager and the pure dirt of his Ardboe assistant.

Speaking at the media launch of the event, Tyrone PR expert Harry Quinn admitted there will be no softening of current mixed martial arts rules:

“Gavin Devlin was adamant that anything goes as soon as the referee gives the nod. Although Sean has the obvious height advantage over both men, Devlin is skilled in the deeper dark arts, something only loughshore men are proficient in. Harte may not have age on his side but he know’s both Moy mens’ Achilles heels inside out. Ruffling Sean’s impressive mane is a predicted tactic.”

Philip Jordan was this morning seen lifting empty kegs of beer outside Tomney’s and firing them at a wall shouting ‘you should have made me captain earlier ye bollocks’, suggesting he has already started intense training.

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